September 18 2018

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Tuesday, September 18, 2018       Edition: #6295

We’ve Got Our Sheet Together!

★ A career change could be in the cards for Tom Hardy.  Some British tabloids are reporting that the star of “Mad Max: Fury Road” is about to record a rap album. Earlier this year, news of a long-lost mixtape of Hardy rapping back in 1999 on a set of demos did the rounds on the internet.  Now, Hardy – who’s a passionate hip-hop fan – is apparently working with one-time Bowie producer Sam Williams to put together a new set of rap tunes, with Warner Music among the major labels interested in picking it up.
★ (***NOTE CONTENT***) Chrissy Teigen is celebrating her wedding anniversary by reprimanding her husband for stealing her big moment. Teigen and John Legend celebrated their fifth year as husband and wife on Friday, and she took to Instagram to mark the occasion with a photo from their 2013 wedding in Italy, while taking aim at her man for making his big “The Voice” announcement on the same day as the launch of her latest venture.  Legend was revealed as the new coach on The Voice just hours before Chrissy broke the news of her new kitchenware line at Target.  She wrote:  “My everything, I love you and am so proud of the story we’ve created.  But you are an a-hole for releasing your @nbcthevoice news on my Target launch day for real.”
★ Richard Gere and his wife Alejandra Gere are pregnant with their first baby together and couldn’t be more excited.  But that’s not all . . .The couple even got the blessing of none other than the Dalai Lama on their upcoming addition to the family. Alejandra shared a pic on her Instagram account that featured her and her hubby meeting the Dalai Lama in Rotterdam, The Netherlands.   69 year-old Richard and his 35 year-old wife Alejandra tied the knot in April.
★ Tom Arnold and Mark Burnett got into a physical altercation on Sunday night.  In a social media post, Arnold wrote that the “Survivor” producer choked him at an Emmy party, “Then he ran away with his torn Pink shirt & missing gold chain.” It appears Arnold tried to film Burnett for his show, “The Hunt for the Trump Tapes with Tom Arnold,” which just happens to be premiering tonight.
★ Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson have always been an unconventional couple, getting engaged after dating only a few months, publicly making out whenever they get the chance, and openly discussing each other’s private parts (well, mostly Pete’s, but STILL). And the two proved again that they’re all about “doing their own thing” when they debuted a new pet pig on Saturday.  Grande Instagrammed photos of the new addition, including shots of the porker snuggling up to her and taking a nap.

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/Global): Annette Bening, John Mayer
• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): Queen Latifah, Kelly Clarkson, Tony Bennett, Diana Krall
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): “Admit It, You Forgot This Happened”
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV): Mariska Hargitay, Ice T, Sebastian Maniscalco, Tom Odell, Sean Kinney
• “The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Tracey Ullman, Henry Golding, Madison Beer
• “Conan” (TBS/Comedy): Javier Bardem, Elizabeth Olsen, Phoebe Bridgers
• “Watch What Happens Live” (Bravo): Hoda Kotb, Savannah Guthrie
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): Sally Field, Willie Nelson
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): Queen Latifah, Jeremy Sisto, Tony Bennett, Diana Krall
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Simon Cowell, Olivia Wilde, Jason Mraz
• “The Paley Center Salutes This is Us” (NBC): A one hour special to usher in the new season with clips, interviews with the stars and creators, and a behind-the-scenes look at how the series comes together each week.
• “Sweet Home Sextuplets” (TLC): Series premiere. Parents Courtney and Eric have three boys and are expecting sextuplets. They face a high-risk delivery and the stress of becoming parents of nine kids overnight.

• Ed Sheeran – is warning against cuts to music education in UK schools. Sharing a link to an article about the cuts on Instagram, he wrote: ”I feel very strongly about this. I benefited hugely from state school music, as I’m sure many other UK musicians have.”
• Post Malone — Months before his private jet nearly crashed, his Rolls-Royce was totaled and armed crooks targeted him, he was hanging with “Ghost Adventures” star Zak Bagans and something known as the world’s most haunted object. Bagans says he took off the protective case, and when Zak touched the box, Post touched Zak’s shoulder. Bagans says that’s enough to trigger a curse, and he believes that is what’s behind Malone’s string of death-defying incidents. 
• Red Hot Chili Peppers — Frontman Anthony Keidis says they are getting set to head into the studio to make new music. Their last album was 2016’s “The Getaway”.
• Paul McCartney — says he avoided playing the Beatles’ heaviest song, ‘Helter Skelter’, for years after cult leader Charles Manson adopted it. Manson, who died last year, was said to have believed the song demonstrated that he and the band were on the same spiritual wavelength, and used the title to refer to a race war he believed was going to take place.
• Pink Floyd — The legendary original artwork for their “Dark Side of the Moon” album, considered to be the single most valuable artwork in rock history, is being exhibited and is up for “acquisition” at the San Francisco Art Exchange gallery until October 20.  Nearly 100 other classic works are also available including  Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” and “The Wall”, The Beatles’ “Abbey Road” and “Rubber Soul”, The Rolling Stones’ “Beggars Banquet” The Cars’ “Candy-O” “The Best of the Doors” and Bob Dylan’s “Blonde on Blonde”.
• Jack White — is teaming up with Amazon Prime Video for the release of a new concert film, which drops next week, as well as a live EP. “Kneeling At The Anthem DC”, featuring live performances of songs from his recent album plus some White Stripes classics, will be out in both formats on September 21st.
• Alan Jackson – His son-in-law, Samuel Benton “Ben” Selecman, has died at 28.  In a statement on Jackson’s website, the Jackson and Selecman families said they “ask for — and appreciate — prayers during this difficult time.” Selecman, who married Jackson’s oldest daughter Mattie last October, died on Wednesday in West Palm Beach, Florida, after suffering “severe traumatic head injuries in a fall.” according to the statement.
• Carrie Underwood – has revealed that she suffered three miscarriages over the past two years.  They were closely followed by her devastating fall outside her Nashville home that resulted in a broken wrist and multiple facial stitches which pulled her out of the public eye for some time.  Happily expecting again, she says writing her new album, “Cry Pretty” was “therapeutic”.

• “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom” (PG-13, Action/Adventure):  When the island’s dormant volcano begins roaring to life, Owen and Claire mount a campaign to rescue the remaining dinosaurs from this extinction-level event. (Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard)
• “Sicario: Day of the Soldado” (R-Rated, Action/Drama):  The drug war on the U.S.-Mexico border has escalated as the cartels have begun trafficking terrorists across the US border. To fight the war, federal agent Matt Graver re-teams with the mercurial Alejandro. (Benicio Del Toro, Josh Brolin)
• “The First Purge” (R-Rated, Horror):  America’s third political party, the New Founding Fathers of America, comes to power and conducts an experiment: no laws for 12 hours on Staten Island. No one has to stay on the island, but $5,000 is given anyone who does. (Y’lan Noel, Lex Scott Davis)
• “Damsel” (R-Rated, Comedy):  The Wild West, circa 1870. Samuel Alabaster ventures across the American frontier to marry the love of his life.  As his group traverses the west, the once-simple journey grows treacherous, blurring the lines between hero, villain and damsel. (Robert Pattinson, Mia Wasikowska)
• “Billionaire Boys Club” (R-Rated, Drama):  A group of wealthy boys in Los Angeles during the early 1980s establish a ‘get-rich-quick’ scam that turns deadly. (Ansel Elgort, Kevin Spacey, Taron Egerton)
• “Siberia” (R-Rated, Drama/Mystery):  When an American diamond trader’s Russian partner goes missing, he journeys to Siberia in search of him, but instead begins a love affair. (Keanu Reeves, Boris Gulyarin)

The fact that you should wash your hands after “using the facilities” has been pounded into our heads since we were toddlers.  And most of us do…but apparently not well enough.  U.K. Deputy chief medical officer, Dr Gina Radford, says that the majority of people aren’t washing their hands long enough, which is putting them at risk of common infections.  She says that you should wash your hands with soap and water for the length of time it takes to sing two times through the song “Happy Birthday”.  She feels that
this failure to carry out what she described as ‘basic hygiene’ is not only making people susceptible to sickness, but it is also contributing to the growing problem of antibiotic resistance.
(How am I supposed to wash my hands for that long when someone obviously has cake in the next room?)
(Based on observation, if this is correct, there should be a lot of sick people out there!)
(I was at a restaurant that was so disgusting that the sign said that all employees must wash their hands BEFORE using the washroom!)

They say you’re only as old as you feel, and now new research says that just might be right.  Apparently, those of us who feel younger than their age actually show fewer signs of brain aging.  The South Korean study looked at whether how old we feel — also called our subjective age — reflects how our bodies are aging.  Participants were asked to complete a survey which assessed their cognitive abilities and perceptions of their overall health and asked whether they felt older or younger than their age.  The results showed that those who felt younger than their age were more likely to score higher on a memory test, reported better health and were less likely to report symptoms of depression.  As one of the study’s authors put it, “We found that people who feel younger have the structural characteristics of a younger brain.”
(Yes.  In my case, a four-year-old!)
(I would do really well on this test, but my wife is always telling me to act my age!)
(But really, who says that they feel “older” than their age?)

A statistical look at who we are and the things we do …
• 25% of us trust our mechanic more than our boss.
• 65% of adults say they “never” write checks anymore.
• 17% of us haven’t read a book this year.
• 40% of men brush their teeth in the shower.
• 57% of us say that we find perky people annoying.
• 41% of women say their boyfriend or husband has bad body odor.


1939 [79] Fred Willard, Shaker Heights OH, TV actor (“Modern Family” since 2009, “Everybody Loves Raymond” 2003-2005)/movie actor (“Best in Show”)

1950 [68] Darryl Sittler, Kitchener, ON, retired NHL player (Toronto Maple Leafs captain who holds the record for points in a game with 10)

1970 [48] Aisha Tyler, San Francisco CA, TV personality (“Whose Line Is It Anyway?” since 2013, “The Talk” 2011-17)/TV actress (“Bojack Horseman” 2014, “Archer” since 2009)

1971 [47] Jada Pinkett Smith, Baltimore MD, movie actress (“Madagascar” movies, “The Matrix” films)/Mrs. Will Smith since 1997

1971 [47] Lance Armstrong, Plano TX, disgraced cyclist stripped of 7 consecutive Tour De France titles due to doping

1973 [45] James Marsden, Stillwater OK, movie actor (“The Butler”, “X-Men” films)

1975 [43] Jason Sudeikis, Fairfax VA, comedian/comedy writer (“Portlandia” 2011-14, “Saturday Night Live” 2005-12)/movie actor (“We’re the Millers”, “Horrible Bosses”) COMING UP…”Booksmart” 2019

1993 [25] Patrick Schwarzenegger, Los Angeles CA, movie actor (“Midnight Sun”)/model (Son of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver)

• “Cheeseburger Day”, celebrating the best way to get 2 kinds of cattle fat into your system simultaneously. According to the book “Hamburger Heaven: The Illustrated History of the Hamburger”, the first person to ever slap cheese on a burg’ was grill chef Lionel Sternberger at the Rite Spot restaurant in Pasadena CA in 1926.

• “Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day”, saluting the anonymous and often under-appreciated wordsmiths who say the things we have trouble expressing. (Thanks for saving our bacon on numerous occasions!)

• “Chiropractic Founder’s Day”, the first chiropractic adjustment was given by Dr. DD Palmer to a janitor named Harvey Lillard. Harvey had lost most of his hearing 17 years earlier after hearing a popping sound in his neck. Dr. Palmer determined that a bone was out of place in the janitor’s neck.  After some discussion, “Dr. DD”, decided to move the bone back into place to see if that would help. This primitive first chiropractic adjustment resulted in Harvey getting his hearing back, and the chiropractic profession was born.

• “Rice Krispies Treats Day”, a combination of butter or margarine and melted marshmallows or marshmallow creme. Two Kellogg’s employees, Malitta Jensen and Mildred Day, are credited with the invention in 1939 as a promotional vehicle for the cereal. (Is it a coincidence that ‘snap, crackle and pop’ and ‘Chiropractic Founders Day’ are celebrated together??)

[Wed] Talk Like a Pirate Day
[Wed] Butterscotch Pudding Day
[Thurs] National Gibberish Day
[Thurs] Pepperoni Pizza Day

1965 [53] ‘I Dream of Jeannie’, starring Barbara Eden as a 2,000-year-old genie, and Larry Hagman as an astronaut who becomes her master, premieres on NBC

1985 [33] First-ever ‘Top 10 List’ on “Late Night With David Letterman” is titled ‘Top 10 Things That Almost Rhyme With Peas’ (#1 is ‘Meats’. Um, maybe it’s in the delivery?)

1970 [48] legendary guitarist Jimi Hendrix dies from asphyxiation at 27

2004 [14] Britney Spears weds Kevin Federline in a low-key ceremony at a private home in Studio City CA, her 2nd wedding in 9 months (they divorce in 2007)

1999 [19] 1st husband & wife to swap genders, each undergoing a sex-change operation in Hungary (“I couldn’t stand my husband … so now she’s my wife”)

2009 [09] The 72-year run of radio-turned-TV soap opera “The Guiding Light” ends as its final episode airs (CBS)


✓ There’s a Russian gameshow where contestants steal cars and if they’re not caught by the police within 35 minutes, they get to keep it.
✓ The average NFL game features only 10 minutes and 43 seconds of action.  The rest is commercials, replays and commentary.
✓ There are 923 words in the English language that break the “i before e” rule. Only 44 words actually follow that rule. (***See “Random Joke”, below***)
✓ Researchers have found that cats do recognize the sound of their owner’s voice calling them, but they have evolved to not care.
✓ Being hungry causes serotonin levels to drop, causing a whirlwind of uncontrollable emotions such as anxiety, stress, anger and sadness (Hangry?).
✓ On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened.  No one came.

Best of BS:

• “With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic super-children to conquer Earth.”
• “I’m definitely in the range of your hotspot. Can I connect and get full access?”
• “You’re even prettier than my fantasy girlfriend.”
• “If you only knew the power of the Dork Side.”
• “I love you like an unspoken metaphor. That’s why I had to use a simile.”
• “I was hoping you wouldn’t block my pop-up.”
• “If I said you had a mint first-edition, still-in-box action figure, would you hold it against me?”
• “I’m gonna be an evil warlord when I grow up. Want a Milk Dud?”
• “If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.”
• “Your place or my Mom’s?”
-First published in BS in 2016

• I realized that it is easier to buy clothes at a thrift store than do laundry.
• I had mastered 37 recipes using ramen noodles.
• I thought, “What Frosh Hell is this?”
• I realized that the more you know, the more you realize you don’t know.
• I found I was majoring in pizza and beer pong.
• I was a month behind in my studies.
• I realized I couldn’t spell collage.
• I knew that I would never drink peppermint schnapps again.
• I had completed one month of college.

That saying about “i” before “e” except after “c”?  That’s been disproved by science.

1. The guys who started this successful enterprise flipped a coin to see whose name would be first.
a. HP (Hewlett-Packard) [CORRECT]
b. Simon and Garfunkel
c. Abercrombie & Fitch
d. Best Buy

2.  What was the original name of IBM?
a. Intelligent Business Minds
b. International Brand of Machines
c. Smith’s Computers
d. Computing Tabulating Recording Corporation [CORRECT]

What movie title best describes your boss?

Question:  60 per cent of us say we haven’t used one of these for at least five years.  What?
Answer:  A phone booth

You have to say no to a lot of good things in order to be able to say yes to a lot of great things.


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