Friday, September 5, 2008        Edition: #3851
Either Sheet or Get Off the Air!

A while back 44-year-old TV actor David Spade (“Rules of Engagement”) said he’d only take responsibility for 22-year-old former “Playboy” playmate Jillian Grace’s new baby if DNA tests proved his paternity – well, Happy Father’s Day, pal (and keep that sitcom money coming!) . . . TV comedy “30 Rock” (NBC), which continues to stunt-cast its way to ratings, is now reportedly talking to Oprah Winfrey about a guest shot THIS FALL (playing ‘ Oprah Winfrey‘) . . . THIS WEEK’s 2-hour premiere of “90210“ roared out of the gate to set a new ratings record for The CW network – 4.9 million viewers (most of them women 18-34) . . . 17-year-old teen mommy Jamie Lynn Spears has reportedly sent ‘burp cloths’ from baby boutique Petit Tresor to 17-year-old teen mommy-to-be Bristol Palin (daughter of veep candidate Sarah Palin), with a note reading ‘Dear Bristol: Hang in there!!!! XOXO’ (should have sent her condoms) . . . Paula Abdul is denying reports that say she’s feuding with new “American Idol” judge Kara Dioguardi, insisting the show’s new recruit is like ‘a sister’ (yeah, the kind you kick under the table when no one’s looking) . . . Mexican director Guillermo del Toro (“Pan’s Labyrinth“, “Hellboy”) has announced he will helm new films based on “Frankenstein”, “Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde”, and “Slaughterhouse Five” – in addition to completing the upcoming 2-part bigscreen adaptation of “The Hobbit” (this guy has no home life) . . . Nielsen Research has announced it’s now adding out-of-home locations to the households that it monitors for TV ratings – places like bars, hotel rooms, and offices – in order to provide a more complete picture of how people are watching TV (you can bet like 800 sets will be tuned to football SUNDAY down at the Best Buy) . . . And 21-year-old singer-turned-actor Bow Wow says he was caught off-guard when he discovered part of his guest shot in an upcoming episode of  “Entourage” includes stripping off for a love scene (we bet he was really startled when he found out it was with ‘Turtle’).

• “America United: In Support of Our Troops “ (ABC) – SUNDAY this 2-hour special features appearances and/or performances by Clint Black, Janet Jackson, Jessica Simpson, Joe Nichols,  Jordin Sparks, Kathy Griffin, Ne-Yo, Snoop Dogg, Toby Keith, and ZZ Top.
• Canada’s Walk of Fame – SATURDAY’s 2008 Induction Ceremony airs SUNDAY on CTV. Filmmaker James Cameron (“Titanic”), comedy troupe Kids In the Hall, NBA star Steve Nash, and singer kd lang are among those getting this year’s honors. Singer Bryan Adams and actor Michael J Fox, who were previously named but couldn’t attend their inductions, will also be on hand. The “Walk of Fame” in Toronto’s entertainment district includes paving stones with stars for 107 other celebs.
• “Entourage” (HBO) – SUNDAY the new season finds ‘Vince’ nursing the “Medellin” disaster in Mexico with a beard and plenty of girls.
• “Equus” – TONIGHT previews begin for “Harry Potter” actor Daniel Radcliffe’s Broadway debut, reprising the role he played in the recent London production about a disturbed – and at times unclothed – stable boy.
• “Fashion Rocks” – TONIGHT actor Denis Leary (“Rescue Me“) hosts the 5th annual charity concert kicking off NYC’s “Fashion Week” at Radio City Music Hall which features Beyoncé, Black Eyed Peas, Chris Brown, Duffy, Justin Timberlake, Keith Urban, Kid Rock, Mariah Carey and Rihanna. The show airs TUESDAY on CBS-TV.
• “The Hills” (MTV) – SUNDAY Lauren & company get a special episode as a lead-in to the “Video Music Awards”.
• “Monk” (USA) – TONIGHT John Turturro, Sarah Silverman, Andy Richter, Howie Mandel, and Sharon Lawrence reprise their roles for the show’s 100th episode, while Eric McCormack guests as a TV reporter.
• “MTV Video Music Awards” (MTV) – SUNDAY UK comic Russell Brand hosts the 25th annual awards as they move to the Paramount Pictures studio lot in LA, so expect performances on the faux street sets. Performers include the Jonas Bros, Kid Rock, Lil Wayne, Pink, Paramore, Rihanna, and TI. And yep, it’s true – Britney Spears is back to open the show. A red carpet pre-show airs at 8 pm.
• “Rent” – SUNDAY the Pulitzer- and Tony Award-winning Broadway musical about life in NYC’s East Village is closing after 12 years.
• “Stand Up to Cancer” (ABC/CBS/NBC) – TONIGHT the big 3 US networks team up for a worthy cause in this special featuring a roster of celebrities, including Christina Applegate, Jennifer Aniston, Meryl Streep, Neil Patrick Harris, plus 15 fab femmes singing the theme song.
• “Sunday Night Football” (NBC) – SUNDAY’s season debut features Chicago @ Indianapolis. 72-year-old analyst John Madden is back to team with Al Michaels; and Faith Hill will once again be performing the opening theme “Waiting All Day For Sunday Night” this season.
• Toronto Virgin Festival – SATURDAY-SUNDAY the 2008 edition of T-dot’s V-Fest is headlined by Foo Fighters and Oasis. Other acts include Bloc Party, The Fratellis, MGMT, and Silversun Pickups.

• Akon – The 35-year-old “Smack That” singer has pleaded not guilty and asked for a jury trial on criminal charges that he tossed a fan offstage during a JUNE 2007 concert near Poughkeepsie NY. He’s due back in Fishkill Town Court DECEMBER 1st.
• Christina Aguilera – She’s become the latest musical act to release an album exclusively through one retailer. Her greatest hits package, “Keeps Gettin’ Better – A Decade of Hits”, will be released only at Target stores, beginning NOVEMBER 11th.
• Jewel – Her band was shaken but uninjured after the driver of her tour bus fell asleep at the wheel and crashed in a ditch following a show with Brad Paisley in Virginia. The singer was not on board at the time.
• U2 – Bono says they’re postponing the release of their new album that was expected at the end of the year because ‘they can’t stop writing new songs’. (BS translation: This thing is such a mess, it’s gonna take at least another 6 months to clean it up.)

“Bangkok Dangerous” ( R-Rated Crime Thriller ): Hong Kong filmmakers the Pang Brothers’ remake of their own 1999 film stars Nicolas Cage as a hitman who’s in the Thai capital to pull off a series of jobs. In the original film, the assassin was a deaf-mute but we’re guessing Cage would have trouble pulling that off. (See BULL’S BITS.)

New research at the University of California at Davis suggests teachers are more likely to be fooled by students who flat out deny breaking rules than by those who make up elaborate excuses. In experiments, the majority of adults could detect when kids were making up accounts of fictitious events but most believed they were telling the truth when they argued that real events had not taken place. (So instead of “the dog ate my homework”, just say, “What homework? You never gave us any homework.”)
– “Globe & Mail”

The Russian village of Ulyanovsk is preparing for its 4th annual “Day of Conception” (SEPTEMBER 12th), a day on which couples can get a half-day off work in order to go home and … well, make babies. Then, 9 months later, any couple which gives birth on Russia’s “National Day” (JUNE 12th) will receive a variety of prizes for their patriotism, including TVs, video cameras, refrigerators, washing machines, and the grand prize of a new SUV. The contest was born in response to Russia’s falling birthrate and so far seems to have been successful with a 4.5% increase in ‘production’ THIS YEAR over last and many more JUNE babies being born each year. Women who manage to hit the jackpot by pumping out a 2nd or subsequent child on the magic day receive certificates worth $10,000. (What a way to make a living … boinking for dollars.)
– Fox News

Scientists now think the act of daydreaming is a fundamental feature of the human mind, so fundamental in fact, it’s often referred to as our ‘default’ mode of thought. Many scientists argue that daydreaming is a crucial tool for creativity. Mostly what we daydream about is each other, as the mind retrieves memories, contemplates ‘what if’ scenarios and thinks about how it should behave in the future. In this sense, the content of daydreams often resembles a TV soap opera. (So what’s yours called? Mine’s “General Asylum”.)
– “Boston Globe”

A study published in the “Journal of Death Studies” has found that poets generally die younger than playwrights, novelists, and non-fiction writers. After studying the deaths of close to 2,000 writers from the past few centuries, California State University researcher James Kaufman has discovered that on average poets live 62 years, playwrights 63 years, novelists 66 years, and non-fiction writers 68 years. Kaufman also discovered that female poets are not only more likely to die earlier but are most prone to suffering from mental illness resulting in hospitalization, suicide, or attempted suicide, than any other writers. (Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m gonna die, earlier than you.)

An average driver spends approximately 2 hours and 14 minutes kissing in the car in a lifetime.

1951 [57] Michael Keaton (Douglas), Coraopolis PA, movie actor (“Cars”, “Beetle Juice”)  COMING UP: “Toy Story 3” (2010)

1968 [40] Brad Wilk, Portland OR, rock drummer (Rage Against the Machine-“Renegades of Funk”, Audioslave-“Be Yourself”)

1973 [35] Rose McGowan, Florence, Italy, movie actress (“Grindhouse”, “The Black Dahlia”)/TV actress (“Charmed” 2001-06)

Rock singer-bassist Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) is 65; Country musician Joe Smyth (Sawyer Brown) is 51; TV personality-comedian Jeff Foxworthy (“Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?”) is 50; TV host Elizabeth Vargas (“20/20”) is 46; Country singer Mark Chesnutt  (“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”) is 45; Pop singer Macy Gray (“I Try”) is 38; Pop singer Dolores O’Riordan (The Cranberries) is 37; TV actor Dylan Bruno (“Numb3ers”) is 36; Rapper Foxy Brown (“Candy”) is 29.

TV actress Julie Kavner (“The Simpsons”) is 58; Rock musician Benmont Tench (Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers) is 49; TV actress Diane Farr (“Numb3ers”) is 39; Movie actress Shannon Elizabeth (“American Pie”) is 30; Movie actress Evan Rachel Wood (“Across the Universe”) Is 21.

• “Be Late For Something Day”, sponsored by the Procrastinators’ Club. In retaliation, TOMORROW is “National Do-It! Day”, aka “Fight Procrastination Day”.
• “Country Music Week 2008“ in Winnipeg, culminating in the annual “CCMA Awards” MONDAY at the MTS Centre.
• “New York Fashion Week” through September 12th in NYC, when we find out what’s hot and what’s not for Spring 2009.

• “Federal Lands Cleanup Day”, an annual event by presidential proclamation on the 1st SATURDAY after LABOR DAY.
• “Iguana Awareness Day”. Anyone who’s ever found one in a sleeping bag is really aware!
• “Read a Book Day”, one of the highlights of “International Literacy Week”.

• “Father’s Day” in Australia and New Zealand, celebrated annually on the first SUNDAY in SEPTEMBER.
• “Grandparents’ Day”, originated in 1978 to honor the folks who get to spoil our kids rotten without paying any consequences. Observed annually the 1st SUNDAY after LABOR DAY.
• “Neither Rain Nor Snow Day”, commemorating the motto of the US Postal Service – “Neither rain nor snow nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds”. Just dogs.
• “Nose Hair Maintenance Day”, your annual opportunity to take proper care of nose hair by trimming, styling, brushing or some such thing.  Wait a sec … once a year?
• “Take Another Look Day”, a day to survey your possessions and give surplus items to charity or reuse them in another project. In other words, dump some of your ‘stuff’!
• “Working Mother’s Day”, set aside to celebrate moms who juggle a job and home life (most of them these days). A recent survey finds 68% of working mothers feel their employer recognizes that they do a good job of balancing their dual roles. 33% say their colleagues think their role as a mom gives them more insight, the ability to juggle priorities, and better management skills.

2006 [02] “The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric” debuts (and immediately underwhelms)

1998 [10] Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” (from the movie”Armageddon”) debuts at #1 and remains there through the entire month of SEPTEMBER

1999 [09] La-Z-Boy 1st markets its ‘Oasis’ recliner designed for football fans, equipped with phone, heat, massager, and a cooler large enough to chill a 6-pack

1989 [19] World’s ‘Longest Zipper’ (9,353 ft-long with 2,565,900 teeth) is produced by the Yoshida Co of Sneek, Netherlands (and installed on a pair of pants for Yao Ming)

[Mon] “CMA Music Festival” special airs (ABC)
[Mon] OJ Simpson trial scheduled to begin (Las Vegas)
[Mon] International Literacy Day
[Mon] Boss-Employee Exchange Day
[Mon] “Monday Night Football“ debuts (ESPN)
[Wed] “Canadian Idol” season finalé
[Wed] Swap Ideas Day
[Wed] 2008 CMA Awards nominees announced
This Week Is … Self-University Week
This Month Is … Cholesterol Education & Awareness Month

• “Cape Town Dangerous-er”
• “Moscow Depressing”
• “Tbilisi Unpronounceable”
• “Miami Leathery”
• “Tokyo Crowded”
• “Toronto Unable to Conceal Inferiority Complex Over New York”
• “London Expensive”
• “Los Angeles Nice to Visit but You Wouldn’t Really Want to Live There”
• “Newark Unpleasant”
• “Baghdad Just Ridiculously Dangerous”
• “Nicolas Cage Unwatchable Shell of Former Self”
– Thanks to Benjamin Sarlin

You run down the list rapid-fire while your guest/listener/co-worker rates each item as simply ‘good’ or ‘bad’ …
• Flavored coffees for breakfast.
• Dealing with an ‘Automated Service Representative’ when you call a company.
• Tailgate parties.
• Watching TV shows online.
• Theater popcorn with extra ‘butter’.
• Bicycle lanes on city streets.
• Staging telethons for diseases.
• Having therapeutic massage.
• Using Bluetooth cellphones with those little earpieces.
• Doing Jell-O shots.

I can’t wait to learn patience.

Tell us about an experience with an animal that you will never forget.

Today’s Question: THIS edible product has no expiration date but we all use it anyway.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Toothpaste.

Money can’t buy you happiness … but neither can poverty.

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