Wednesday, September 9, 2009      Edition: #4096
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure “BS”!


Entertainment mogul Simon Cowell is said to be planning a lavish $400,000-party for his 50th birthday October 7th, and has reportedly invited some 400 guests to the black-tie bash in Britain, a veritable ‘who’s who’ of the celeb world (you can bet the tab will be picked up by Sony BMG) . . . Actor Brad Pitt has overseen the design & construction of a custom home for his kids’ pet gerbils, an elaborate habitat that includes tunnels, platforms, seesaws, and mazes which cost a reported $82,000 (sounds like a lot but it only works out to about 20 bucks per kid) . . . 40-year-old actress Jennifer Aniston tells “Harper’s Bazaar” magazine that it’s ‘laziness’ that makes romantic relationships fail (with 4 high-profile break-ups, she must be a total slug!) . . . Actress Evan Rachel Wood’s new beau is said to be her “True Blood” co-star Alexander Skarsgard, the twosome spotted on a string of dates according to celebrity blogger Perez Hilton (after Marilyn Manson, anything’s an improvement for her parents) . . . “Desperate Housewives” star Teri Hatcher is set to soon tick off one item from her ‘bucket list’ by training for an upcoming triathlon that will raise money for Children’s Hospital Los Angeles (next item: get a date) . . . And 27-year-old former TV tramp Tila Tequila (“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila”) is denying allegations by her 25-year-old NFL player (former?) boyfriend Shawne Merriman (San Diego Chargers) that she was ‘extremely inebriated’ when he allegedly battered, choked & restrained her after a night of clubbing – because he didn’t want her to drive home (classy couple of the year?).


• “America’s Next Top Model” (CW/CTV) – In the cycle 13 premiere episode, “How Short Can You Go”, 14 pint-size contestants move into their new home in LA.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Brendan Benson (“My Old Familiar Friend”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Diane Birch (“Bible Belt”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Queen Latifah (“Persona”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Jay Z (“The Blueprint 3”); George Jones (“A Collection Of My Best Recollection”).
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/A Channel) – Season 5 just ended August 6th and already the first-ever fall season of the show gets underway tonight with mass auditions.
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Reba McEntire (“Keep On Loving You”).


• The Beatles – Today they finally go digital with the worldwide release of “The Beatles: Rock Band” and a digitally re-mastered release of their entire original catalogue in 2 new boxed CD collections. A deluxe companion set called ‘Box Of Vision’ is also being offered, allowing fans to store the new releases in style. One music industry expert predicts a $1.6 billion-profit from Beatles’ products this year.
• Chris Brown – He’s been announced as the first headline act at the upcoming tribute concert to Michael Jackson in Vienna, Austria being organized by Jermaine Jackson. It’s scheduled for September 26th … shouldn’t the lineup be solidified by now?
• Jay-Z – Oprah Winfrey says he is her new best friend because he’s ‘so charming and delightful’ … and ‘smells so good’.
• Jonas Bros – He couldn’t choose between them so Kevin Jonas has asked both brothers, Joe
& Nick, to be his ‘Best Men’ when he weds fiancée Danielle Deleasa. No date yet announced.
• Keith Urban – He says he was 7-years-old when he told his father that he was going to live in Nashville and make records.
• Lady Gaga – She says her father, Joe Germanotta, saved her from drug addiction. She used to spend hours taking cocaine alone in her NYC apartment until he helped her get clean.
• Ludacris – The rapper/actor has awarded 20 vehicles to Atlanta GA residents who are most in need. The cars were given out to the contest winners of his own ‘stimulus package’.
• Vince Gill – Tonight the first-ever ‘Grammy Salute to Country Music’ honors the 20-time Grammy winner with the President’s Merit Award in Nashville. The invitation-only gala will feature wife Amy Grant, Alison Krauss, Brad Paisley, Michael McDonald, and Steve Martin.

“9” ( PG-13 Animated Adventure ): When ‘9′ (voice of Elijah Wood) first comes to life, he finds himself in a post-apocalyptic world where all humans are gone. Upon discovering a community of other beings like him, he takes the lead in an effort to strike back at the machines that control the world and are bent on exterminating life. Also features voices of Christopher Plummer, Jennifer Connelly & Crispin Glover. Shot in Toronto & Luxembourg.


A statistical breakdown of life by the numbers …
• 57% of men say they will not date a woman who has tattoos.
• 48% of guys say they’d dump their current girlfriend if she got fat.
• 46% of Italians seek out a sorcerer or astrologer to soothe a broken heart.
• 42% of people polled say they’d rather have a sleeping pill left on their pillow than a chocolate.
• 28% of job-hunters have resorted to changing their appearance to impress a potential boss.
• 26% of us have substituted ice cream for an actual meal.

The new book “How Not to Act Old” by Pamela Redmond Satran offers tips on common faux pas committed by mature people trying to act young. Among them …
• Avoid using the term ‘hookup’ if you’re uncertain of its implications. As cool and casual as it may make you feel, it’s probably best not to suggest to your boss that you ‘hookup’ later this evening, or to your neighbor that you ‘hookup’ more often in the afternoon.
• Do not refer to your ‘black friends’, ‘gay friends’, ‘guy friends’, ‘Jewish friends’, ‘young friends’, etc. It’s evidence you’re slotting them into some special group, an outmoded way of looking at things. Friends are friends, and the modern way is to accept people as individuals.
• Learn to type with your thumbs. Classic old-people behavior is dialing and typing on a phone with your index finger. The young way to dial or text is with the thumbs … exclusively.
• Moms, your bra should not feature elastic that’s thick & strong enough to support a bungee jumper; more than 2 hooks in back; capacious cups; quadriboob; or back fat.
• Don’t Facebook old. Using any kind of posed, professional picture as your main Facebook photo is old. Your Facebook picture should be slightly tilted, somewhat blurry, and feature you smiling but not like you think anyone’s watching.
– “Cosmopolitan”


Deep fried butter is among the creative new food items being served by vendors at this year’s State Fair of Texas in Dallas. It can be ordered in several different flavors: sweet cream, cherry, or garlic. Abel Gonzales’ food stand also serves fried Coke, fried cookie dough, and fried peanut butter, jelly & banana sandwiches. Other offerings at the annual expo include twisted yam on a stick, deep fried peaches & cream, fried pecan pie, sweet jalapeno corn dog shrimp, and fried peanut butter cup macaroons. The state fair runs through October 18th. (Or until everyone dies from a heart attack.)


• A Long Island NY nun has been busted for drunk-driving … in the church van. She was arrested after crashing her church-issued vehicle into a tree. (Man, how many Hail Marys do you get for that?)
– “NY Daily News”
• Over 500 British police officers have been sent to a ‘positive thinking’ course to encourage them to reduce negativity during public interaction. For instance, instead of telling a drunk ‘you’ve had too many’ or ‘go home’, officers should now say, ‘keep the noise down and we’ll all be happy’. (How about: ‘Nice stabbing, mate! How do you get your knives so sharp?’)
– “Daily Telegraph”
• A UK court in London has issued a landmark ruling, allowing a the 27-year-old transsexual prisoner serving life for manslaughter and attempted rape to be transferred from men’s prison to women’s prison. The prisoner has not been named to protect his-now-her identity. (She’ll be easy to spot … no one else has the name ‘Frankella’ stitched on her uniform.)
– AP


Healthy alternatives to vending machine fare that you can stuff in your desk drawer or office fridge …
• Hot Cocoa Mix
• Cottage Cheese Cups
• Air-Popped Popcorn
• Whole Food Snack Bars
• Homemade Low-Fat Granola
• Trail Mix (aka … bark & twigs.)


An Internet addiction center called ReSTART has opened in Fall City WA, ironically not far from the Redmond WA headquarters of Microsoft Corporation. It offers a 45-day program intended to help people wean themselves from pathological computer use, which can include obsessive use of videogames, texting, Facebook, eBay, Twitter and any other time-killers brought courtesy of technology. Their fee to de-program online junkies is – whoa! – $14,000. (Or call us … we’ll come over and axe your laptop for 20 bucks.)
– Associated Press


• Joe Frolick, whose hobby is skydiving, has jumped out of a plane 100 times consecutively near Lebanon, Ohio. The 34-year-old firefighter took 13 hours to complete his jump-a-thon.
• 21-month-old Xiao Xingwa has become the world’s youngest professional swimmer. The 21-month-old girl, trained by her grandparents in China’s Hebei province, has been swimming since she was 4-months-old. Her first swimming exhibition, set for today, is a sell-out.
– “Daily News”

• Camels have 3 eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.
• The crease under your buttocks is called the ‘gluteal fold’.
– “Magazine Monitor”


1952 [57] Dave Stewart, Sunderland UK, record producer/classic rock musician (Eurythmics-“Sweet Dreams”, “Here Comes the Rain Again”)

1960 [49] Hugh Grant, London UK, movie actor (“Music & Lyrics”, “Bridget Jones” films)

1966 [43] Adam Sandler, Brooklyn NY, movie actor/producer (“Funny People”, “The Wedding Singer”)

1969 [40] Rachel Hunter, Auckland, New Zealand, fashion model (“Sports Illustrated”, “Cosmopolitan”, “Playboy”)/TV personality (“Celebrity Circus”, “Dancing With the Stars”)/Mrs Rod Stewart (1990-99)

1975 [34] Michael Bublé, Burnaby BC, big band crooner (“Everything”, “Home”)

1980 [29] Michelle Williams, Kalispell MT, movie actress (“Brokeback Mountain”, “A Thousand Acres”)/former TV actress (“Dawson’s Creek” 1998-2003)/Heath Ledger’s baby mama

• “Aunts Day”, a day of recognition for ‘those special women in our lives who provide guidance and humor’. (Another Hallmark moment.)

• “Expectant Father’s Day”, a day for neglected first-time dads to get some much needed recognition.

• “Teddy Bear Day”, honoring the first and most popular plush animal that was inspired by the helpless cub US President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot while hunting in 1902. Morris & Rose Mitchom, owners of a Brooklyn NY candy store, took credit for creating the 1st ‘Teddy Bear’ in the USA shortly after that incident, but it may be that renowned German toymaker Steiff was already making bears by then.

• “Wonderful Weirdos Day”, saluting all people who are … well, kinda quirky. Know any?


1995 [14] “Gangsta’s Paradise” by one-hit-wonder Coolio reaches #1 on pop singles chart


1954 [55] 16-year-old Marilyn Bell touches the CNE Breakwater in Toronto, becoming the 1st to swim 5l.5 km across Lake Ontario, from Youngstown NY (20 hours, 59 minutes)

1984 [25] 1st Roman Catholic pontiff to tour Canada (Pope John Paul II)

2004 [05] In pitcher Lino Urdaneta’s only Major League Baseball appearance, the Detroit Tigers rookie does not retire a single batter, giving up 5 hits, 1 walk and 6 earned runs (an ERA of … infinity)


[Thurs] Swap Ideas Day
[Thurs] Sewing Machine Day
[Thurs] Toronto International Film Festival begins
[Thurs] Country Music Week 2009 begins (Vancouver)
[Thurs] New York Fashion Week begins (NYC)
[Fri] 9/11 Remembrance Day
[Fri] “I Can Do Bad All By Myself”; “Sorority Row”; “Whiteout” open in movie theaters
This Week Is … National 5-A-Day Week (fruits & vegetables)
This Month Is … Cholesteral Education & Awareness Month


What the your favorite way to eat Oreo cookies says about you …
• The Whole Thing All at Once: You consume life with abandon. You are fun to be with, exciting.
• One Bite At a Time: Just like about 5.4 billion other Oreo eaters, you lack imagination. Not to worry, you’re normal.
• Dunked in Liquid: Everyone likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugar-coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones.
• Twisted Apart, First Eating the Inside, Then the Cookie: You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to see how they work, but are not always able to put them back together.
• Twisted Apart, Eating the Inside, Tossing the Cookie: You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others.
• Just the Cookie, Not the Inside: You enjoy pain.
• Just Licking, Not Eating: Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help immediately.
• Don’t Like Oreos: You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There’s just no pleasing you.
– Abridged from Da Humorist Internet Archive.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.


Today’s Question: Statistics show about 700,000 people-a-month are now realizing they no longer need THIS.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: A land-line telephone.


Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.

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