Tuesday, September 15, 2009        Edition: #4100
Don’t Take Any Sheet, Unless It’s Pure Bull!


If you thought 59-year-old Jay Leno looked svelte on his new show’s debut last night, you’re right – he’s lost 12 lbs by running 4 miles-a-day and giving up treats like doughnuts on-the-set (now his chin looks REALLY huge!) . . . A consortium of record companies is suing the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”, claiming producers have violated copyright by playing over a thousand songs without permission, many during the show’s ‘dance over’ segment when Ellen dances from the stage to the interview area through the audience (could turn out to be an expensive bit) . . . 83-year-old “Playboy” founder Hugh Hefner is offering to pay $20,000-a-month in spousal support to his ex, former ‘Playmate Of the Year’ Kimberly Conrad  Hefner, which sounds generous except – she’s  filed a lawsuit seeking $4-million in cash she maintains she’s owed thanks to a pre-nup (hell hath no fury …) . . . TMZ reports several Jackson family members are questioning why the estate appears to be ‘in the red’, but even so it’s said Michael Jackson’s publishing catalogue (including Beatles tunes) will NOT be sold to pump up the assets (Paul McCartney sighs again) . . . And just about everyone has weighed in on Kanye West’s rude outburst at the expense of Taylor Swift at Sunday’s “MTV Video Awards” but our favorite comment comes from “American Idol” runner-up Adam Lambert: “Kanye needs to chill. He freaks out every year. It ain’t that deep man.”

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Queen Latifah (“Persona”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Kelly Clarkson (“All I Ever Wanted”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Metric (“Live It Out”).
• “Oprah Winfrey Show” (syndicated/CTV): Whitney Houston (“I Look to You”), part 2.
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Phoenix (“Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Taylor Swift (“Fearless”). An expanded version of her “Fearless” album will be released October 27th, which will include 6 previously unreleased tracks. The “Fearless Platinum Edition” will be a CD/DVD package.


• Drake – Today his mixtape, “So Far Gone”, gets a formal release to retail with a new song added called “Fear”.
• Elton John – His wish to adopt a 14-month-old Ukrainian boy has run into a couple of snags: the country forbids gay couples from adopting … also couples over 45-years-old. That’s strike 2.
• Kenny Chesney – Today he performs at the Hard Rock Café in NYC’s Times Square as part of the chain’s “Ambassadors Of Rock” tour, a global concert series featuring top artists. Proceeds go to PlanItNow, an organization that assists coastal residents in preparing for hurricanes.
• Mary J Blige – Tonight she becomes the 1st recipient of the ‘Positively Beautiful Award’ at the “HBA Global Expo” in NYC, a product development event for cosmetics, fragrance, and skin care companies. (When you want a celeb to show up, you create an award.)
• Nelly Furtado – Today she releases the all-Spanish album “Mi Plan”. Why? She says that as an artist she always follows her gut and doesn’t follow commercial trends or sales trends.

• “Easy Virtue” ( Romantic Comedy” ): Based on the Noel Coward play, the film tells the story of an American divorcee (Jessica Biel) who heads to the South of France. Once there, she jumps into a whirlwind romance & wedding with an English guy (Ben Barnes). Then the newlyweds travel to the UK to face the music with his disapproving parents (Colin Firth & Kristin Scott Thomas).
• “Next Day Air” ( Action Comedy ): When a delivery man mistakenly leaves a package of cocaine at the wrong address, it sets into motion a battle of wills & wits among the dealer, the intended recipients, and the people who accidentally got the drugs and plan to sell them. Stars Mos Def, Mike Epps, Donald Faison, and Wood Harris (the former drug kingpin on “The Wire”).
• “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” ( Sci-Fi Thriller ): Hugh Jackman stars as ‘James Howlett’, also known as ‘Logan’, and best known as ‘Wolverine’. The chronicle of his younger years as a mutant traces his falling out with ‘Victor Creed/Sabretooth’ (Liev Schreiber) and his entry into the ‘Weapons X’ project. Co-stars Ryan Reynolds & will.I.am. Shot in Australia & New Zealand. Also comes in a 2-Disc Special Edition
• Also released today: “An American Werewolf in London – Full Moon Edition”; “Grey’s Anatomy: The Complete 5th Season” (TV); “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Season 4” (TV); “Marvel X-Men: Volumes 3 & 4” (Animation); “My Name Is Earl: Season 4” (TV); and “Private Practice: The Complete 2nd Season” (TV).


Today a new thriller by author Dan Brown (“The Da Vinci Code”) is published. “The Lost Symbol”, Brown’s first novel in 6 years, is one of the most eagerly awaited titles in publishing history as “The Da Vinci Code” sold a staggering 81 million copies. Though plot details for “Lost Symbol” are secret, it is known to feature the hero of “Da Vinci Code” and its prequel “Angels & Demons”, symbologist Robert Langdon; it’s set over a 12-hour time frame; and it’s believed to be set in Washington DC. It will have a huge initial print run of 6.5 million copies.
NET: http://www.thelostsymbol.com
– ContactMusic.com

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 76% of office workers now have a Facebook page and most use it at work.
• 53% of pet owners think that their pets would come to their rescue if they were in distress.
• 50% of us check our work email … on the weekend.
• 45% of women & 27% of men admit to kissing their pet.
• 42% of married guys lose their wedding ring within the first 5 years of marriage.
• 33% of guys say they ignore a dead lightbulb and wait for somebody else to change it.


Couples should consider sleeping apart for the good of their health and relationship, says sleep specialist Dr Neil Stanley of Britain’s University of Surrey. He claims bed-sharing can cause tiffs over snoring and blanket-hogging, which can rob us of precious sleep. One study finds that, on average, couples suffer 50% more sleep disturbances if they share a bed. The modern tradition of the marital bed only began with the Industrial Revolution, when people moving to overcrowded cities found themselves short of living space. Stanley’s recommendation? If you’ve been sleeping together and you both sleep perfectly well, then don’t change. But don’t be afraid to do something different.
– BBC News

• Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, installing new roof shingles, or delivering your new refrigerator.
• Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it.
• I always knock first. If you answer, I’ll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your eavestroughs.
• Do you really think I won’t look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.
• Here’s a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids’ rooms.
• You’re right: I won’t have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it’s not bolted down, I’ll take it with me.
• A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system.
– Condensed from RD.com.

As part of the popular “Body Worlds” exhibitions, German anatomists Gunther von Hagens & wife Angelina Whalley are planning a new show dedicated solely to showing … dead bodies having sex. Corpses in their exhibitions are prepared using a technique invented by von Hagens called ‘plastination’, which removes water from specimens and preserves them with silicon rubber or epoxy resin. The intent of the new exhibit is not to show sexual poses but the anatomy and function of lovemaking. “Body Worlds” exhibitions, visited by 27 million people around-the-world, have previously been criticized for presenting entire corpses, stripped of skin to reveal the muscles and organs underneath.
– Reuters


• Criminal trials in Japan have a 99% conviction rate.
• Both parties file for divorce in only 1-in-300 cases, on average.
– “Magazine Monitor”

“I want to see what I’ll look like when I’m old … I’m curious where that’s going to take me”
– 42-year-old sorta-actress Pamela Anderson. (Well, by the looks of things, it’s gonna take you to a state of saggy, plastic-filled, over-made-up, racoon-eyed has-been. We’re just sayin’ …)


1946 [63] Oliver Stone, NYC, movie director/producer/screenwriter (“W”, “World Trade Center”)/3 Academy Awards (“Platoon”, “Born On the Fourth of July”, “Midnight Express”) COMING UP: “Wall Street 2” (2010).

1946 [63] Tommy Lee Jones, San Saba TX, movie actor (“No Country For Old Men”, Academy Award-“The Fugitive”)

1961 [48] Dan Marino, Pittsburgh PA, NFL analyst (“The NFL Today on CBS”)/legendary former NFL QB (Miami Dolphins)/Pro Football Hall of Fame (2005)

1978 [31] Zach Filkins, IA, rock guitarist (OneRepublic-“Stop & Star”, “Apologize”)

1984 [25] Prince Harry (Henry Charles Albert David Windsor of Wales), London UK, Prince Charles & Princess Diana’s #2 son who’s 3rd in line to the British throne (but 1st in line at a pub or party)

1986 [23] Heidi Montag-Pratt, Crested Butte CO, reality TV star (“I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here” 2009, “The Hills” 2006-08, “Laguna Beach” 2005)/event planner (Bolthouse Productions)/fashion designer (Heidiwood)/wannabe pop singer (“Fashion”)/married to other famous person Spencer Pratt

• “Care Givers Day”, recognizing the selfless people who do the chores for the sick and elderly that the rest of us can’t be bothered with. How come one of the most important occupations is one of the poorest paying?

• “Hispanic Heritage Month”, through October 15th. Felicitaciones!

• “Independence Day” in much of Central America, including Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Nicaragua (1821).

• “School Psychology Day”, a day of recognition for the field of school psychology and its contribution to education. (“Alright Amy, we CAN talk about your test scores but first you have to put down the Uzi.”)


1993 [16] A 13-year-old boy files a lawsuit against Michael Jackson, alleging abuse and seduction (later settled out-of-court for an estimated $20 million)

1971 [38] 12 members of Vancouver’s ‘Don’t Make a Wave Committee’ found the environmental organization ‘Greenpeace’

1982 [27] 1st edition of “USA Today” newspaper features lead story of Princess Grace dying in auto accident

2008 [01] NYC-based investment banker Lehman Bros initiates the largest bankruptcy filing in US history (the trigger that sets off a worldwide economic slump)


1992 [17] Buffalo Bills and San Francisco 49ers set NFL record as neither team punts ball through an entire game


[Wed] Collect Rocks Day
[Wed] Mexican Independence Day
[Wed] Play Doh Day
[Wed] Working Parents Day
[Wed] International Day For the Preservation Of the Ozone Layer
[Wed] Stepfamily Day
[Fri] World Water Monitoring Day
This Week Is … Balance Awareness Week
This Month Is … Organic Harvest Month


• “By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.”
• “Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”
• “The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”
• “Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.”
• “The patient refused an autopsy.”
• “Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.”
• “The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-lb weight gain in the past 3 days.”
• “The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.”
– “Journal Of Court Reporting”


What’s the longest you’ve ever waited in line?


• How do you throw away a garbage can?
• If your co-workers start to sound reasonable, is it time to up your medication?
• Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
• What if you’re the one your mother warned you about?
• Is marriage the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred?

Before the toaster pops in 15 seconds (SFX), name 5 …
• Things you can buy in a can.
• Reasons for turning up to work naked.
• Reasons to get fired from a job.
• Excuses for taking a sick day.
• Celebrities who’ve been in re-hab.


Warning: I know karate, kung fu, jujitsu and 47 other dangerous words.

The website Oyster.com allows you to get a feel for your hotel before you travel, with a library of thousands of ‘undoctored’ photos and professional reviews. It exposes fudged features like a ‘king-size bed’ that turns out to actually be 2 doubles pushed together, and also offers suggestions for ‘hidden gems’ that you might not read about in travel brochures. Great idea!
NET: http://www.oyster.com

Today’s Question: Hard to believe but fully 70% of English novels published in the last 3 decades of the 18th century were written by THIS author.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: ‘Anonymous’. (“A Secret History of English Literature”)


People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.

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