Wednesday, September 16, 2009        Edition: #4101
Don’t Take Any Sheet, Unless It’s Pure Bull!


Famous person Jessica Simpson is asking for help on her Twitter blog in finding her missing pet dog, a crossbred ‘Maltipoo’ named Daisy, who’s apparently been snatched by a coyote while Jessica looked on helplessly and hasn’t been seen since (sorry to break it to you hon’, but by now, Daisy’s a ‘coyote-poo’) . . . This week NYC’s acclaimed Public Theater arts group began performing “The Piven Monologues”, a spoof look at the events of last December when “Entourage” star Jeremy Piven pulled out of Broadway play “Speed-The-Plow”, claiming mercury poisoning from eating too much sushi (he’s not amused and has sicced his lawyers on them) . . . Irish actor Colin Farrell says he’s stoked about becoming a father again, this time via his “Ondine” co-star Alicja Bachleda, and claims he’s even looking forward to changing diapers (he already has a 6-year-old son with model Kim Bordenave) . . . TV actress (“Mad About You”)-turned-movie actress (“Twister”) Helen Hunt may be returning to the small-screen in a role in the upcoming series “Parenthood” (NBC) which actress Maura Tierney has pulled out of to focus on her cancer battle (it’s an adaptation of Ron Howard’s 1989 movie of the same name) . . . Concert promoter Michael Lang, the brains behind the “Woodstock Festival” 40 years ago, is hoping to persuade acts who performed at the event to compose new tracks for a stage musical he hopes to debut on Broadway (unfortunately the geezers at the rock retirement home can’t hear what he’s saying) . . . 46-year-old actress Demi Moore has paid a touching tribute to late actor Patrick Swayze, who died of cancer Monday at age 57, Twittering words from their 1990 movie “Ghost” (no, it wasn’t “You relax, you’re the dead guy!”) . . . And 22-year-old TV actor Penn Badgley brags in “V Man” magazine that in ‘certain circles’ he and his “Gossip Girl” castmates are ‘treated like royalty … like the Kennedys’ (these circles are in the schoolyard).

• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC/A Channel) – The Season 4 finalé features performances by Leona Lewis, Rascal Flatts, Shakira, and Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle (“Britain’s Got Talent”). Her debut album is due in November; the first single said to be the Rolling Stones’ cover “Wild Horses”. Oh yeah … and some act will be picked as the winner.
• “Bonnie Hunt Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Smokey Robinson (“Timeless Love”).
• “Chelsea Lately” (E!) – Nelly Furtado (“Mi Plan”).
• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – Flaming Lips (CD/DVD “Embryonic” due October 13th).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Dave Matthews Band (“Big Whiskey & The Groogrux King”).
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Diana Krall (“Quiet Nights”).
• “Jay Leno Show” (NBC/CityTV) – Miley Cyrus (“Party In the USA”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Pink (“Please Don’t Leave Me”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Pete Yorn (“Break Up”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Q-Tip (“Amplified”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – John Fogerty (“Blue Ridge Rangers Rides Again”).
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Yeah Yeah Yeahs (“Heads Will Roll”).


• The Fray – Songwriting duo Joseph King & Isaac Slade have filed a lawsuit against their manager over copyrights to their songs. They say Gregg Latterman’s company obtained partial ownership of their material when band members signed a publishing agreement. (Always read the fine print!)
• Gretchen Wilson – Today she’s presented with the National Coalition for Literacy’s “Literacy Leadership Award” during a reception at the Library of Congress in Washington DC. It’s to recognize her high-profile role in promoting literacy after earning her Graduate Equivalency Diploma in 2008.
• Kanye West – Even President Barack Obama has called him a ‘jackass’ for his “MTV Video Music Awards” antics in an off-the-record comment during an interview with CNBC, according to “Nightline” co-anchor Terry Moranan on Twitter.
• Korn – Former guitarist  Brian ‘Head’ Welch wants to come back to the band … but the band doesn’t want him.
• Rihanna – Word has it she’s about to blast ex-boyfriend Chris Brown on her new album. Ne-Yo, who’s working with her on the recording, says to expect an ‘edgier, almost angrier’ Rihanna on this one.

The camel is ideally placed to become the ‘new livestock animal’, according to United Arab Emirates veterinarian Alex Tinson. He claims camels can be an incredible resource for the planet, as countries such as Australia become hotter and drier with global warming. How so? Drought-adaptable camels are highly resistant to disease, and produce lean milk and meat loaded with vitamins and disease-fighting compounds. (Future mothers will scold, “Finish your camel or you’ll get no plankton for dessert!”)
– “The Australian”

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … you should avoid approaching any dominant primate (such as the boss, your wife, etc) from the left-hand side because aggression and fear are primarily processed by the brain’s left hemisphere and you’re likely to get a fight or flight reaction. (Unfortunately, the scientists fail to explain whether it’s your left or the hothead’s left … so best of luck with that.)
– “Discovery News”
• Scientists say … over 95% of people who are right-handed (and still have hair) tend to comb their hair clockwise on their heads. On the other hand, lefties and ambidextrous people are equally likely to comb it either way. (Time for an in-studio inspection to see if this holds up!)
– “Nature”
• Scientists say … they’ve developed a special dog collar in Britain that releases a reassuring smell which they hope will calm panicky pooches when they’re stressed. (Isn’t the last thing you want from your dog: the release of smells? … additional smells?)
– PA News

Mexican TV has revealed the incredible story of a baby ‘alien’ that was found alive by a farmer in Mexico in 2007. He drowned it in a ditch out of fear, claiming it took 3 attempts and he ultimately had to hold it underwater for hours. At the end of 2008 the farmer, Marao Lopez, handed the corpse over to university scientists who performed DNA tests and scans and have now finally announced the results of their examination of the sinister-looking carcass. Tests revealed a creature that is said to be previously unknown. Its skeleton has characteristics of a lizard, its teeth do not have any roots like humans, and – apparently – it can stay underwater for a long time. (Uh guys, that’s known as a ‘fish’.)

Relationship expert Julie Komorn says there are several legitimate reasons that a couple should call a wedding off, or at least seek professional help. Among them …
• Addiction to drugs, alcohol, or gambling.
• Cheating, stealing, or dishonesty.
• Physical or emotional abuse.
• Unpleasant or hurtful sex, or sexual preferences that are different from what you were led to believe.
• Conflicting religious beliefs that cannot be resolved.
• Differing opinions about having children that cannot be resolved.
• Opposing attitudes about spending money.
(What about – he keeps forgetting your name?)
– “Social Studies”

• You are average if you eat 50 bananas a year, drink 374 beers annually, goof off 45 minutes a day at work, and owe more than $5,000.
• We eat 1-and-a-half to 2 times as many potatoes when they’re mashed rather than baked. (And like 10 times more when they’re fried.)
– “What Are the Chances?”


1925 [84] (Riley) BB King, Itta Bena MS, blues legend (“The Thrill is Gone”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1987)

1956 [53] Mickey Rourke, Schenectady NY, movie actor (“The Wrestler”, “Sin City”)  COMING UP: “Sin City 2” (2011).

1963 [46] Richard Marx, Chicago IL, pop singer/songwriter (“Now & Forever”, “Right Here Waiting”)

1968 [41] Marc Anthony (Marco Antonio Muniz), NYC, pop singer (“I Need to Know”)/Mr J-Lo since 2004

1971 [38] Amy Poehler, Burlington MA, TV comic (“Parks & Recreation” 2009, “Saturday Night Live” 2001-08)/movie actress (“Baby Mama”)

1981 [28] Alexis Bledel, Houston TX, movie actress (“Post Grad”, “Sisterhood Of the Traveling Pants” movies)/TV actress (“Gilmore Girls” 2000-07)

1992 [17] Nick Jonas, Dallas TX, teen idol pop singer (Jonas Bros-“Burnin’ Up”)/TV actor (“Camp Rock”)/younger sibling of Kevin & Joe


• “Collect Rocks Day”, a celebration of the hobby of gem & mineral collecting. (Or maybe engagement rings?)

• “Farm Animal Awareness Week”, a time to appreciate their ‘natural behaviors’. (Take a whiff.)

• “Independence Day” in Mexico (“El Grito de Independencia”), celebrating the country’s separation from Spain in 1810.

• “International Day for Preservation of the Ozone Layer”, as declared by the UN.

• “Prostate Cancer Awareness Week”. An estimated 1-in-8 men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer. (So if you see a guy touching himself this week don’t be alarmed … he’s just becoming aware.)

• “Stepfamily Day, celebrated annually on September 16th. It’s estimated that 1-in-3 of us is in a stepfamily at some point. Some call these families, ‘blended’ families.

• “Women’s Friendship Day”, encouraging more interaction and communication between females in the hope of developing lasting friendships. (Only a really tacky and tasteless guy would ask, “Hey, can I watch?”)

• “Working Parents Day”. Isn’t parenting work in itself?

1949 [60] 1st Warner Bros ‘Road Runner’ cartoon, co-starring ‘Wile E Coyote’ (“Fast & Furryous”)

1979 [30] 1st ‘Rap Record’ is released (Sugar Hill Gang’s “Rapper’s Delight”)


1908 [101] Flint MI businessman William Crapo Durant founds ‘General Motors’


1994 [15] ‘World’s Largest Burrito’ is made in Montebello CA, measuring 3,055-ft-long & weighing 3,960 lbs (later causes ‘World’s Largest Epidemic of Heartburn’)

[Thurs] US Citizenship Day
[Thurs] US Constitution Day
[Fri] US Air Force Birthday
[Fri] World Water Monitoring Day
[Fri] ALMA Awards (LA)
[Fri] “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”; “Jennifer’s Body”; “Love Happens” open in movie theaters
This Week Is … Line Dance Week
This Month Is … Organic Harvest Month


• When you walk across the kitchen floor, unidentified sticky stuff rips the shoes off your feet.
• You have to throw your whole weight at the door to get inside.
• The phone keeps ringing, but you can’t find it.
• The rats are writing nasty letters to the Board of Health.
• You can’t find the remote … or the TV that went with it.
• The stack of newspapers you were going to take to the recycling bin has fallen over, crushing your roommate.


It’s “Substitute Teacher Appreciation Week”. What’s the cruelest thing your class ever did to one?

• “Introduction to Common Household Objects: The Mop”
• “Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead”
• “Five Easy Ways to Tell When You’re About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!”
• “Romance: More Than a Cable Channel”
• “The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty”
• “Listening: It’s Not Just Something You Do During Halftime”

Everybody repeat after me … we are all individuals.


53 years ago today (1956), a wallpaper cleaning compound was turned into a popular children’s toy. What was it?
a. Mr Potato Head.
b. Play-Doh.
c. Little Interior Decorator.
[Play-Doh, which originally only came in one color … off-white. The exact formula is a secret!]

This creature’s tongue is longer than its whole body. Is it …
a. Hummingbird Moth.
b. African Anteater.
c. Gene Simmons.
[The hummingbird moth. When its tongue is not in use, it’s rolled up under the mouth.]
– “Disney Adventures”

In the wired world, this is where you go to have an affair. The Ashley Madison Agency website is dedicated to married folks seeking out ‘arrangements’ with other married folks. To date, it’s had over 4.25 million members. The site guarantees an affair if you sign up, although they do mention in their disclaimer they are not personally liable for ‘personal injury or death’ if that should happen due to using their service.

Today’s Question: In a recent survey of men asking what they’d like to have more of, the top 3 answers were ‘money’, ‘friends’, and THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: ‘Hair’.


On the edge of a precipice, only a fool does cartwheels.

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