Monday, September 21, 2009       Edition: #4104
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

• Actor John Travolta is set to testify in an extortion trial scheduled to begin in Nassau today. A paramedic & former Bahamian senator are charged with conspiring to extort $25 million from him by threatening to release a document relating to the death of his 16-year-old son Jett last January. The document is said to be a ‘refusal to transport’, basically a waiver releasing an ambulance crew from responsibility when its services are turned down. If it in fact exists, the paperwork might support claims that Jett died because Travolta’s strict Scientology beliefs did not permit him to receive conventional treatment. (You can bet a PR person has been hired to ‘manage’ this trial.)
• Oprah Winfrey’s new movie “Precious” has scooped the top award at the “Toronto Film Festival”. The gritty drama, produced by Winfrey and featuring Mariah Carey, has been honored with the ‘People’s Choice Award’. Last year “Slumdog Millionaire” won that award, then went on to sweep the board at both the Golden Globes and the Oscars. (Mariah Carrey finally in a movie that doesn’t suck? Now who are we gonna pick on?)
• 50-year-old TV actor Hugh Laurie says his pretend limp on his TV show “House MD” (FOX) is causing him real-life injury. That’s because his character’s constant use of a cane to walk requires a lot of ‘hip work’ and Laurie says he’s ‘starting to lose’ his knees. While the show might last through seasons 7, 8, or 9, Laurie says, his body likely won’t. (Hey, you’re making  $400,000-an-episode… buy a new one!)
• Michael Jackson reportedly slams his family in a series of newly-recovered interviews, originally recorded for his 1988 autobiography “Moonwalk”. He disses his former bandmate brothers as ‘lazy moaners’ who sat around relying on him to make them money; and singles out Jermaine as a ‘womanizer’ and Tito as ‘boring’. None of the revelations made it into the book, as Jackson can be heard telling the ghostwriter, “You can’t print that.” (Listen here:
– “News Of the World”
• And that 25-year-old accused of attempting to choke radio/TV personality Ryan Seacrest’s bodyguard has been sentenced to 15 days in prison, 3 years’ probation, and ordered to destroy all his weapons. The man asked for an autograph when Seacrest was visiting an Orange County children’s hospital last week, then attacked Seacrest’s security when the guard prevented him from following the “American Idol” host afterward. A subsequent body search by police yielded a switchblade. (This is why a wimpy guy like Seacrest has to have a bodyguard.)


• “Bonnie Hunt Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Queen Latifah (“Persona”).
• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – The Flaming Lips (“Embryonic”, due October 13th).
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – 16 new celebrities (including Aaron Carter, Donny Osmond, Kelly Osbourne, Macy Gray, Michael Irvin, and Mya) & their professional dance partners begin the new competition.
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Legendary crooner Tony Bennett.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Matt & Kim (“Grand”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Franz Ferdinand (“Tonight: Franz Ferdinand”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Living Colour (“The Chair In the Doorway”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – President Barack Obama.
• Polaris Music Prize – The $20,000-award to the year’s best Canadian music album as judged solely on artistic merit without regard to genre or record sales is announced at a gala in Toronto.
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Lynyrd Skynyrd (“God & Guns”, due September 29th).

• Avril Lavigne has confirmed on her MySpace blog that she & rocker-husband Deryck Whibley (Sum 41) have split after 6-and-a-half years, including 3 years of marriage. She insists she is ‘grateful’ for their time together and that they remain friends.
• Barry White – Animal handlers at Britain’s Sea Life London Aquarium say playing the late soul singer’s music underwater has successfully encouraged reluctant zebra sharks to mate.
• Lucinda Williams – The “Little Honey” country singer wed her fiancé-manager Tom Overby  onstage Friday night. They exchanged vows in front of family, friends, and fans during a break in her performance at the First Avenue music club in Minneapolis MN.
• Michael Bolton – Today he releases the new album “One World One Love”, which includes collaborations with Lady Gaga … before she became a superstar.
• Van Halen – Tonight rocker Eddie Van Halen plays himself in the season debut of “Two & A Half Men” (CBS).

• The ‘Unbreakable Umbrella’ is being touted as protection from both rain and … muggers. It’s said to be as strong as a steel pipe despite weighing less than 2 lbs (under 1 kg) and is particularly effective when combined with knowledge of martial arts such as kendo. A promotional video shows it being used to … split watermelons. [$179.95]
• Security experts say that a loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. But what if you’re reluctant to leave your TV on while you’re out of town? Now you can buy a gizmo that simulates the flickering glow of a real TV but consumes 50 times less power. And you can program the ‘Fake TV Burglar Deterrent’ to work while you’re on vacation, thanks to a built-in light sensor and timer. [$34.99]


• Tampa FL – A Bank of America teller has refused to cash a customer’s check from his wife’s account because he could not provide a thumbprint. Even though he showed 2 photo IDs, it was still a no-go. You’d think they’d cut the poor guy some slack. After all, he’s armless and has to make do with … prosthetic hands!
• Brittany, France – A drunk teenager has narrowly escaped death after falling asleep face-down … on a railway track. In fact, the 19-year-old somehow slumbered undisturbed while a high-speed train roared over him, leaving only a few grease stains on his jacket. Roused by police afterward, the 19-year-old gave a one-fingered salute … then rolled over and went back to sleep!
• Martinsburg WV – A 19-year-old has been charged with felony daytime burglary after he broke into a home through a bedroom window, stole 2 diamond rings, then … logged onto his Facebook page. The victim later noticed that his Facebook account was still open when she checked her computer, thereby making it a cinch to track down the perp. Seems the doofus forgot to log off!
– “The Journal”
• Guangzhou, China – In an attempt to prevent citizens from attempting suicide, government officials have ordered workers to cover a 1,000-ft-long bridge with … butter. There’s been a spate of people threatening to jump from the structure despite special fences and extra guards. So now, all the climbable surfaces have been greased. Officials say the odd tactic is working!
– Ananova News


A type of shoe named after the man who tried to hit former President George W Bush with his own footwear has reportedly become a top-seller in Bangladesh. Shops in the city of Sylhet have dubbed the black & brown lace-up the ‘Zaidi Shoe’ after journalist Muntazer al-Zaidi who was imprisoned following the incident at a press conference in Iraq last year. The footwear looks like your average men’s dress shoe but is being sold for up to 2,200 taka (circa $32) which in Bangladesh is at the very top end of the market. Zaidi was released early for good behavior last week after 9 months’ imprisonment. (For 9 months you’d want to score at least one hit, no?)


• “Guinness World Records” has just verified a new record for ‘Most People to Dance to the Song “Thriller” Simultaneously in One Place’. It’s now confirmed that 13,597 people in Mexico City, many dressed as zombies, performed the dance together on what would have been Michael Jackson’s 51st birthday, August 29th. That annihilates the previous record held by a group of just 242 students at the College of William & Mary in Williamsburg, Virginia.
• Kevin Fast of Cobourg ON has set a new “Guinness World Record” for ‘Heaviest Aircraft Pulled By an Individual’. The full-time Lutheran minister & part-time strongman pulled a huge military Globemaster aircraft weighing 208 tons (188,694 kg) with a rope across the tarmac at Canadian Forces Base Trenton. It took 1 minute, 16 seconds to cover 29 ft (8.8 meters). The previous plane-pull record was 206 tons (just under 187,000 kg), set by an Australian in 1997.

• It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.
• The average lifespan of a major league baseball is just 5-to-7 pitches.


1934 [75] Leonard Cohen, Montréal QC, Canadian icon/singer/songwriter/poet (“I’m Your Man”, “Bird On a Wire”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2008)/Companion Of the Order of Canada (2003)/Canadian Music Hall of Fame (1991)

1947 [62] Stephen King, Portland ME, scary author (“Cell”, “The Shining”)/first major author to release books online

1950 [59] Bill Murray, Wilmette IL, movie actor (“Lost in Translation”, “Caddyshack”)

1967 [42] Faith Hill, Ridgeland MS, country singer (“NBC Sunday Night Football Theme”, “This Kiss”)/Mrs Tim McGraw since 1996

1967 [42] Tyler Stewart, Newmarket ON, pop drummer (Barenaked Ladies-“Easy”, “One Week”)

1972 [37] Liam Gallagher, Manchester UK, outspoken classic rock singer (ex-Oasis-“Wonderwall”, “Don’t Look Back in Anger”)

1981 [28] Nicole Richie (Escovedo), Berkeley CA, famous person (“The Simple Life”)/adopted daughter of pop singer Lionel Richie/double mom via partner Joel Madden (Good Charlotte)


• “International Day of Peace”, the 27th annual observance highlighting the work of the UN and its humanitarian agencies, as well as organizations and individuals around the world dedicated to creating a more peaceful, just and sustainable world.

• “Last Day of Summer” in the Northern Hemisphere. (Sniff.)

• “Miniature Golf Day”. The first mini-golf was the ‘Tom Thumb Golf Course’ built in 1929 in Chattanooga TN by John Garnet Carter. Nowadays there’s a ‘Professional Miniature Golf Association’ that holds the ‘PMGA Championship’ each year.

• “Respect for the Aged Day” in Japan, a national holiday since 1966, celebrated on the 3rd Monday of September to honor the elderly. There may be more centenarians per capita in Okinawa, Japan than anywhere else in the world – about 50 per 100,000 residents.

• “World Alzheimer’s Day”, an annual observance when Alzheimer’s organizations try to raise awareness about Alzheimer’s disease and dementia. This year’s theme is ‘Diagnosing Dementia: See It Sooner’.

1937 [72] JRR Tolkien’s “The Hobbit” is first published, later translated into over 40 languages (the movie version is due in December 2011)

2001 [08] 27 TV networks air “America: A Tribute to Heroes”, a star-studded benefit for families of 9/11 victims that’s broadcast live from NYC & LA

1929 [80] 1st legal ‘Forward Pass’ in Canadian football (by Calgary vs Edmonton)

1970 [39] 1st “Monday Night Football” game on ABC-TV as NY Jets beat Cleveland Browns 31-21 (in the booth are play-by-play announcer Keith Jackson, analyst Don Meredith, and commentator Howard Cosell)

1995 [14] Canadian Mint unveils design for new $2-coin that includes a polar bear (soon becomes known as the ‘toony’, twony, ‘toonie’, ‘tooney’ or ‘twonie’ – how do YOU spell it?)


[Tues] Autumn begins
[Tues] Elephant  Appreciation Day
[Tues] White Chocolate Day
[Thurs] Punctuation Day
[Thurs] Guinness Brewery 250th Anniversary


Adult Immunization Awareness Week / Build A Better Image Week / Child Passenger Safety Week / Clean Hands Week / Deaf Awareness Week / Farm & Ranch Safety Week / Food Service Workers Week / Pollution Prevention Week / Prostate Cancer Awareness Week / Rehabilitation Awareness Celebration / Religious Freedom Week / Roller Skating Week / Singles Week / Tolkien Week


A highlight bit culled from 16 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• Odds are, they’ll grow to love eating Spam.
• What did they ever give me other than stretch marks?
• After buying that 6-pack of Corona, it was all gone anyway.
• Someday it’ll give them a good reason to pull the plug.
• The chance of them one day actually going to truck-driving school is just a pipe dream anyhow.
• I’ll never die!

Who said ‘what goes up must come down’? I’m still waiting patiently on my weight.

What’s the all-time best high school movie? “Entertainment Weekly” picks …
5. “Heathers” (1989)
4. “Rebel Without a Cause” (1955)
3. “Dazed & Confused” (1993)
2. “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” (1982)
1. “The Breakfast Club” (1985)

Today’s Question: A recent survey asking men what annoying things women do is topped by ‘pretend to be virtuous’. And THIS came in second.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Criticize other women.

Money talks. Chocolate sings!

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