Wednesday, September 1, 2010        Edition: #4334
Sheet Happens!

70-year-old actor Paul Hogan, star of the “Crocodile Dundee” movies, says he can’t afford to pay even 10% of what the Australian Tax Office says he owes in back taxes, estimated at $95-to-$150 million (ouch, that’s the biggest Aussie sting since Steve Irwin!) . . . Paris Hilton has just been charged with felony possession, perhaps largely due to her lame explanation after her weekend bust in Vegas: The rolling papers, $1,300 in cash, and several credit cards were hers, but NOT the purse they were in; and she thought the baggie of coke was just gum (she said all this with a straight face?) . . . “Saturday Night Live” (NBC) has announced it’s adding 3 new cast members (does that mean 2 others will follow Will Forte’s recently announced departure?) . . . Snooki’s boyfriend of a mere 2 weeks, Iraq vet Jeff Miranda, has proposed to the tanorexic “Jersey Shore” star in an odd way – on the cover of “Steppin’ Out” magazine (remember they’re currently shooting the 3rd season and you’ll arrive at the word ‘orchestrated’) . . . Sylvester Stallone (“The Expendables”) was left red-faced and with a traffic ticket after his car was pulled over by LAPD and he was busted for rolling through a Beverly Hills stop sign (the same offence convicted drunk driver Lindsay Lohan was let off on earlier this week – go figger) . . . The movie “Takers”, featuring  Chris Brown & TI, has officially been declared the weekend box office winner after early estimates erroneously suggested “The Last Exorcism” was tops (after word spreads about its abrupt ending, look for it to tank bigtime) . . . And “Pee-wee Herman” actor Paul Reubens tells the new edition of “Playboy” he’s innocent of the public indecency charges leveled at him in 1991 and would have won had the case gone to trial, thanks to witnesses that included an expert from the Masters & Johnson Institute who would testify that, in 30 years of research, they’d never found a single person who masturbated with his or her non-dominant hand (now there’s an interesting poll topic – right, left … or bi?).


• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC) – 5 more acts advance to the finals to round out the top 10. (This is taking forever, no?)
• “Archie Comics” – Today’s release of the September issue introduces the first-ever openly gay character to ‘Riverdale High’, ‘Kevin Keller’. (That would be really exciting … in 1979. Meh.)
• “CMA Music Festival: Country’s Night to Rock” (ABC) – Tim McGraw hosts highlights from the annual June ‘Fan Fest’ in Nashville, including performances by Alan Jackson, Blake Shelton, Brad Paisley, Carrie Underwood, Keith Urban, Lady Antebellum, Miranda Lambert, Rascal Flatts, and the Zac Brown Band. In addition, Taylor Swift performs her new single “Mine”.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Dave Matthews Band (“Big Whiskey & The GrooGrux King”).
• “Good Morning America” (ABC) – Dierks Bentley & Miranda Lambert announce nominees in 5 more categories for this year’s “CMA Awards”, which take place in Nashville November 10th.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Ozzy Osbourne (“Scream”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Kate Nash (“Made of Bricks”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Goo Goo Dolls (“Something For the Rest of Us”).
• “William Shatner’s Weird or What?” (History) – 79-year-old “Star Trek” vet Shatner hosts a new series that investigates bizarre happenings and attempts to find logical, scientific explanations. (The show’s name could be his biography.)


• Blake Shelton – He holds down the #1 spot on both the “Billboard” Country Songs and “Country Aircheck” charts for the 3rd week in-a-row with his single “All About Tonight”.
• Kanye West – He’s remixed Justin Bieber’s “Runaway Love” with a sample of the Wu-Tang Clan’s “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing ta F’ Wit”. (You may now refer to the kid as ‘Killa Biebz’.)
• Lady Gaga – She’s reportedly so terrified of getting a brain tumor from using a cellphone she now listens to her calls on speaker-phone and has a member of her team hold the phone a short distance away for her to speak. (Okay, now fame truly IS becoming a monster.)
• Rod Stewart – He’s vowed his next child (due in March) will be his last because he can’t afford to keep looking after his numerous offspring. Quote: “Otherwise I’ll be touring until I’m 90.”
• Slash – He’s filing for divorce  from his wife of 9 years. (During all that time, she’s still never seen him without aviators and a top hat.)
• U2 – Bono & his wife are featured in the new Louis Vuitton ads. (What, they need more cash?)

“The American” ( R-Rated Drama ): George Clooney stars as an assassin hiding out in an Italian village while he anticipates his last-ever assignment. While there he tempts fate by seeking out the friendship of a priest (Paolo Bonacelli) as well as the affection of a local woman (Violante Placido). Partially filmed in L’Aquila, Italy, site of the 2009 earthquake.


New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Chin-strap’ – A type of beard, shaped in a narrow strip along the jaw line. (“I’d ride my motorcycle more but my helmet’s chin-strap chafes my chin-strap.”)
• ‘Parting Ceremony’ – An increasingly popular departure ritual on university campuses in which helicopter parents are encouraged to say their final goodbyes … and then hit the road. (At Morehouse College in Atlanta, for instance, incoming freshmen are marched through the gates of the campus which literally slam shut, leaving parents outside.)
• ‘Skitching’ – A dangerous skateboarding street stunt during which the rider hitches a ride by holding on to a moving vehicle. (“What’s that dark stain on the road?” “Oh, that’s just what’s left of a boarder who was skitching on a city bus.”)


Cornell University nutritional scientist Brian Wansink says that altering a few habits can help you automatically eat less without having to obsessively count calories …
• Don’t Eat While Watching TV – We’re distracted by what we’re watching, and the munching becomes automatic. Plus, we have a tendency to keep eating until a show is over.
• Use Smaller Plates – We all have a tendency to pack our plates. Less space makes for smaller portions.
• Store Snacks Out of Reach – Putting cookies on high shelves and ice cream in the back of the freezer while keeping good-for-you foods up front can help you make healthier choices.
• Keep Serving Dishes Off the Table – Studies show we eat about 20% less when food is served from a counter instead of family-style on the dinner table.
• Slice Up Meats & Cheeses – People tend to think food is more generous when it’s served in smaller pieces and therefore can feel satisfied even when eating less.
– Condensed from


A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … the more diapers a dad changes, the more attached the child becomes to him. And child-development specialists say the reverse is also true – the fewer the diaper changes, the less likely a child will turn to dad when needing consolation or care. (Talk about your crappy relationship!)
– “Childhood & Adolescence: Voyages in Development”
• Scientists say … astronauts can become as weak as 80-year-olds after 6 months on the International Space Station. The new Marquette University study raises serious health concerns as NASA contemplates prolonged trips to asteroids and Mars. Fortunately, the accelerated space aging is temporary: Astronauts’ muscles recover after a few months back on Earth. (Will it work if we send grandpa up for a visit?)
– AP
• Scientists say … people who sit more than 6 hours a day are more likely to die earlier. That’s the sobering news from a new study that tracked more than 100,000 adults for 14 years, and it even applies to those who exercise regularly and aren’t obese. (You might want to consider doing your show standing?)
– “Orlando Sentinel”


5. Actors Emily Blunt & John Krasinski (July 10).
4. Singer Alicia Keys & record producer Swizz Beatz (August 1).
3. Former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton & investment banker Marc Mezvinsky (July 31).
2. Actors Calista Flockhart & Harrison Ford (June 15).
1. Country star Carrie Underwood & Ottawa Senators NHL player Mike Fisher (July 10).
Honorable mention: Actress Hilary Duff & NHL player Mike Comrie; actor Orlando Bloom & model Miranda Kerr; actors Megan Fox & Brian Austin Green.

• Passengers aboard a British Airways flight from London to Hong Kong experienced some terrifying moments after the pilot hit the wrong button, causing an emergency message to play, warning that … the plane was about to crash. Shortly after the pre-recorded message aired over the loudspeakers, the cabin crew rushed down the aisles reassuring terrified passengers. (And handing out fresh underwear.)
• A  51-year-old man in Hawaii is suing videogame developer NCSoft Corp, claiming its game ‘Lineage II’ is so addictive he was unable to bathe, dress himself, communicate with others, or wake-up during the day. He says he spent more than 20,000 hours playing the medieval-themed role-playing game from 2004-09, causing him to spend 3 weeks in the hospital and requiring him to still receive therapy 3 times a week. (Dude, see that button that says ‘off’?)
– QMI Agency
• A new road near Pontypridd, Wales obstructs the travels of a mouse species that lives in the area, so to accommodate the dormice the local government has built bridges for the rodents to use to cross the road. The bridges consist of wire mesh tubes suspended between trees and tall poles. As dormice live in trees as opposed to on the ground, their routes have to stretch aloft instead of along underpasses used by the likes of hedgehogs and badgers. (Rush hour in this town has a whole different look to it!)
– BBC News
• It’s been revealed an employee at a government-funded Norfolk, Virginia agency has been paid for 12 years even though … she never once showed up for work. The new director of the Norfolk Community Services Board discovered the hooky-playing employee on the books and promptly fired her. It’s estimated the unidentified woman ‘earned’ somewhere between $300,000 and $480,000 in total, plus full benefits. (Taking the term ‘civil service slackard’ to a whole new level!)


According to a recent Facebook poll, these are the hottest mommies in Tinseltown …
5. Salma Hayek, who turns 44 tomorrow.
4. 29-year-old mother-of-one, Jessica Alba, who says she’d like to have more children.
3. 37-year-old Brit actress Kate Beckinsale.
2. 45-year-old Italian actress Monica Bellucci.
1. Newly single 44-year-old Halle Berry.
– Adapted from


• In 2009, US airlines collected $2.7 billion in baggage fees. Another $2.4 billion came from reservation change fees.
• Facebook is reportedly attempting to trademark the word ‘Face’.


1946 [64] Barry Gibb, Isle of Man UK, falsetto oldies singer (Bee Gees-“Stayin’ Alive”, “To Love Somebody”)

1950 [60] Dr Phil (McGraw), Vinita OK, daytime TV talk show host (“Dr Phil” since 2002)/author (“Relationship Rescue”)  FACTOID: He’s only a ‘doctor’ due to a PhD in psychology.

1957 [53] Gloria Estefan (Fajardo), Havana, Cuba, oldies singer (“Music of My Heart”, “Anything For You”)

1971 [39] Ricardo Chavira, San Antonio TX, TV actor (‘Carlos Solis’ on “Desperate Housewives” 2004-11)

1984 [26] Joe Trohman, Hollywood FL, rock guitarist (Fall Out Boy-“Thnks fr th Mmrs”, “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race”)

• “Building Code Staff Appreciation Day”, honoring those important personnel who would never take a bribe and allow shoddy construction to take place … honest!

• “Exclamation Day!”, part of “International Enthusiasm Week!” Wow! Exciting, isn’t it!

• “First Day of Spring” in Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa, so designated by tradition, not any relation to the Vernal Equinox.

• “No Rhyme Nor Reason Day”, a celebration of words that don’t rhyme with any other words, ie: orange, purple, silver. You can find a list here …

• “September”. In Latin ‘septem’ means ‘seventh’. That’s because back in the day when the New Year started in March, September was in fact the 7th month.

2006 [04] Luxembourg becomes the first country to complete the move to all-digital TV


1995 [15] Cleveland’s ‘Rock & Roll Hall of Fame’ is dedicated

1985 [25] The wreck of the ‘Titanic’, sunk by an iceberg in 1912, is finally found by French & American researchers 370 miles south of Newfoundland


[Thurs] Brooks & Dunn’s “Last Rodeo” tour ends (Nashville TN)
[Fri] Lazy Moms Day
[Sat] International Drive Your Studebaker Day
[Sat] Newspaper Carrier Day
[Sun] Be Late For Something Day
[Mon] Labor Day (Canada, USA)
This Week Is … International Enthusiasm Week
This Month Is … Library Card Sign-Up Month


• ‘Old Navy Kevlar Tech Vest’.
• ‘Li’l Bully Playground Humiliation Activity Pack’.
• “I’m With My Baby’s Daddy” T-shirt.
• ‘Laura Ashley for Boys’ gym locker potpourri wreath.
• ‘Cornea-B-Gone’ laser pointer.
• ‘Clearasil X-Treme’ acne-concealing face paint.
• Locker-sized kegerator.
• ‘Hipster’s Choice’ vintage thrift store athletic supporters.
• ‘Angry White Girlie From an Affluent Suburb’ brass knuckles.
• ‘Depends’ field hockey pantaloons.
• Dessicated rat head pencil toppers.
• Jean Louis David combination lint-and-teen mustache brush.
– Adapted from

They say you shouldn’t say anything about the dead unless it’s good. He’s dead. Good.


A guy from Sweden has made a special love letter for his girlfriend by adding together a bunch of songs where the titles formed what he wanted to say. He then posted the compilation to her inbox at a music streaming service. So what 3 titles would your compilation love letter include?

Today’s Question: According to research, more than half of us think about THIS before 10 am.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Dinner.

Children are natural mimics. They act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.

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