Friday, September 3, 2010        Edition: #4336
If the Sheet Fits, Buy It!

Simon Cowell is refusing to kick a 20-year-old, $240-an-hour hooker off his UK talent show “The X Factor”,  saying he won’t ban a contestant just because ‘she does something that upsets people’ (besides, it’s great publicity!)  . . . Throw another name in the hat of rumored replacements for Steve Carell on “The Office” (NBC) – Harvey Keitel (he’s gonna be working in an office – at age 71?) . . . Voluptuous 35-year-old “Mad Men” actress Christina Hendricks is complaining that fashion labels don’t make sample dresses in her size (a curvy 10), only lending out size ‘0’ or ‘2’ for red carpet events (what does ‘0’ measure – IQ?) . . . Actress Cameron Diaz is reportedly set to move in with her boyfriend, NY Yankees star Alex ‘A-Rod’ Rodriguez (yeah, he’s a serial philanderer but she’s still single and on the glide-path to 40) . . . 40-year-old  actress Catherine Zeta-Jones tells “People” she’s ‘furious’ that doctors failed to spot her actor-husband Michael Douglas’ walnut-sized throat tumor until 3 weeks ago as he’d been through a litany of specialists and tests for months (65-year-old Douglas says he has an 80% chance of surviving) . . . 24-year-old “Glee” star Lea Michele tells “Glamour” she’d rather be in her current long-distance relationship with Broadway actor Theo Stockman (“American Idiot”) ‘than not have a relationship at all’ (what a glowing endorsement) . . . And according to a new poll, Brad Pitt and Megan Fox top the list of stars most people would allow their partners to sleep with without classing it as ‘cheating’ (wouldn’t it be better to pick someone who’s butt ugly?).

• Bumbershoot Music & Arts Festival (Seattle WA) – Saturday-through-Monday the 40th annual northwest music fest features Bob Dylan, Drake, Hole, Mary J Blige, Weezer and many more.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Today Faith Hill (“The Hits”).
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Tonight Michael Bublé (“Crazy Love”).
• “Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon” (syndicated) – The 45th annual 21.5-hour fundraiser Sunday-Monday airs live from the South Point Hotel Casino in Las Vegas, an end-of-summer tradition that began in NYC in 1954.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tonight Five Finger Death Punch (“War Is the Answer”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Tonight Never Shout Never (“Harmony”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Tonight Spoon (“Transference”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Today Keane (“Night Train”).
• “Oprah Winfrey Show” (syndicated/CTV) – Today Christina Aguilera (“Bionic”).
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Host Tina Fey; musical guest Justin Bieber (rerun).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Tonight Sara Bareilles (“Kaleidoscope Heart”, to be released Tuesday).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Today 50 Cent (“Before I Self Destruct”).


• Guns N’ Roses – This week they stormed offstage just 20 minutes into a concert in Dublin, Ireland after angry fans booed them and pelted them with bottles for showing up more than an hour late. They returned after another hour to finish the show.
• Justin Bieber – This week he filmed his 3-D concert movie at NYC’s Madison Square Garden as he was joined onstage by a parade of guests, including Boyz II Men, Ludacris, Miley Cyrus, Sean Kingston, and Usher. The movie’s due in theaters next year.
• Lady Antebellum – They tell that Taylor Swift and Kanye West should get together and ‘hug it out’. They’re convinced there’s something along that line planned for the upcoming “MTV Video Music Awards”, site of Kanye’s embarrassing stage interruption last year.
• Paul McCartney – His former publicist Geoff Baker claims he’s turned down a $225,000 deal to write a tell-all book, even though McCartney gave him the heave-ho after 15 years on-the-job for ‘unprofessional behavior’ in 2004. Now that’s loyalty!
• TI – He & wife Tameka Cottle have been busted on suspicion of possessing marijuana after their car was pulled over by West Hollywood cops. He just finished a 6-month sentence for weapons possession in March and is subject to drug counseling, DNA testing, and random searches. If convicted, he could be looking at more slammer time.
• The Script – Eve Hewson, the 18-year-old actress-daughter of U2’s Bono, has a role as a ‘homesick Irish girl’ in the video for their new single “For The First Time”.

• “Going The Distance” ( R-Rated Romantic Comedy ): 35-year-old Drew Barrymore & her 32-year-old sometime offscreen boyfriend Justin Long play a couple trying to survive a bi-coastal relationship (NYC-San Francisco). Co-stars Christina Applegate, Ron Livingston, Leighton Meester (“Gossip Girl”).
• “Machete” ( R-Rated Crime Thriller ): Robert Rodriguez’ latest is based on his fake trailer from the 2007 double feature “Grindhouse”. Danny Trejo plays an ex-Federale cop in Mexico who launches a brutal campaign of revenge against those who double-crossed him. Supporting cast includes Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan, Michelle Rodriguez, Robert De Niro, Steven Seagal.

Highlights of a new survey of users of the dating website …
• 64% of women polled would release a sex tape if it would help advance their careers.
• 45% of surveyed women would sleep with their professor to pass a college class.
• 36% of respondents would blackmail a co-worker or boss to get ahead.
(Hmm, it seems this dating website is aptly named!)


Has someone really ticked you off lately? Thank goodness geniuses have been staying up nights thinking up these real products to help you seek revenge …
• ‘Sonic Nausea’ – A small electronic device which can really turn one’s stomach. $29
• ‘Doo Drops’ – Looks and smells just like real diarrhea. $9
• ‘Liquid Key-Scratch’ – This stuff has an insatiable appetite for automobile paint. $11
• ‘Liquid Roadkill’ – Incredibly foul putrifier that smells of roadkill left in the scorching sun. $9
• ‘Nasty Yellow Teeth’ – Just pour this liquid into your tormentor’s drink container. $9
• ‘Devil Drive’ – Looks like a regular USB flashdrive but actually creates electronic hell. $19


A little black dress that doubles as a mobile phone is being launched in Britain next year. The garment, branded the ‘M-Dress’, lets wearers make and receive calls by slipping their SIM card under the label, allowing them to access their usual phone numbers. Gesture recognition software allows users to pick up a call by raising their hand to their ear, and end a conversation by letting it fall to their side. (For extra fun, you can set it on ‘vibrate’.)

A San Diego CA man born without arms is on a mission to throw out the first pitch at every Major League Baseball stadium. Tom Willis is well on the way to accomplishing it, tossing ceremonial opening pitches at 11 MLB stadiums this Summer. How does he do it? He pitches with his feet. (Cool, baseball and football all at once!)


• The average number of drinks per week (beer, mixed drink, or shot) consumed by male college seniors is now 10.42, according to the Center for Alcohol & Other Drug Studies. The average for female seniors is 4.79 drinks. (The new generation? Always softer than the last.)
• Male students at Brigham Young University need a doctor’s note to grow a beard. (Female students can have at her.)


1965 [45] Charlie Sheen (Carlos Estevez), NYC, TV actor (“Two & a Half Men” since 2003, “Spin City” 2000-02)/movie actor (“Wall Street”, “Platoon”)/actor Martin Sheen’s son/actor Emilio Estevez’s brother  FACTOID: Currently the highest-paid actor on TV, reportedly making nearly $2 million per episode.

1979 [31] Tomo Milicevic, Sarajevo, Bosnia & Herzegovina, alt-rock guitarist (30 Seconds to Mars-“This Is War”, “Kings & Queens”)

1980 [30] Jason ‘Cone’ McCaslin, Toronto ON, rock bassist (Sum 41-“Pieces”, “Fat Lip”)

1986 [24] Shaun White, Carlsbad CA, snowboarder (2 Olympic Golds-Vancouver 2010 & Torino 2006/skateboarder (Summer X Games–Silver 2010, Gold 2007)

TV actress Khandi Alexander (“CSI: Miami”) is 53; TV personality Dr Drew Pinsky (“Celebrity Rehab With Dr Drew”) is 52; Rock guitarist Kim Thayil (Soundgarden) is 50; Pop singer Beyoncé Knowles (“Single Ladies”) is 29.

Movie actor Michael Keaton (“The Other Guys”) is 59; Rock drummer Brad Wilk (Rage Against the Machine) is 42; Movie actress Rose McGowan (“Grindhouse”) is 37; Figure skater Kim Yu-na (2010 Olympic Gold) is 20.

• “Lazy Moms Day”, a day for normally hard-working moms to do whatever they want to do.
• “National Flag Day” in Australia, honoring the national pennant picked in 1901. You’d think they could have designed something more substantially different from New Zealand’s flag.
• “Skyscraper Day”, a day to appreciate and admire the world’s tallest buildings. By definition, a skyscraper is any structure that clearly stands out above its surrounding environment. A loose agreement in North America & Europe puts the lower limit of a skyscraper at 150 meters (500 ft). A skyscraper taller than 300 meters (984 ft) is referred to as ‘supertall’. (See Bull’s Bits.)
• “World Championship Barbecue Goat Cook-Off” in Brady, Texas. It’s the 37th annual featuring some 125 teams trying to get your goat to taste good. Hmm, what’s the proper wine to serve?

• “Great Klondike International Outhouse Race” in Dawson City, Yukon, the 31st annual dash though downtown streets involving decorated outhouses on wheels containing a ‘seated’ jockey and pulled by costumed runners. If you don’t happen to own an outhouse, they’ll rent you one!
• “International Drive Your Studebaker Day”, honoring the vintage vehicle that was often stylistically ahead of it’s time. First manufactured in South Bend IN in1902, the last Studebaker rolled off the Hamilton ON assembly plant in 1966.
• “National Buffalo Wing Festival”, the 9th annual through Sunday in Buffalo NY where some 20 tons of chicken wings will be deep-fried, drenched in hot-sauce, and served up in more than 100 different styles. Events include the ‘Ridiculously Hot Wing Eating Contest’, ‘Bobbing for Wings’, and the ‘US Chicken Wing Eating Championship’.
• “Newspaper Carrier Day”, celebrating the anniversary of the 1st recorded ‘news boy’, 10 year-old Barney Flaherty, who began hawking the “New York Sun” 177 years ago in 1833. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve found your paper after it was ‘delivered’?
• “Oatmeal Day” honoring the hot breakfast cereal that really ‘sticks to your ribs’.

• “Be Late For Something Day”, sponsored by the Procrastinators’ Club. In retaliation, Monday is “National Do-It! Day”, aka “Fight Procrastination Day”.
• “Cheese Pizza Day”, celebrating the favorite order of cheapskates everywhere.
• “Father’s Day” in Australia & New Zealand, celebrated annually on the first Sunday in September.
• “Running Of the Sheep” in Reed Point, Montana, where hundreds of woollies charge down Main Street, then participate in the ‘Ugliest Sheep’ and ‘Prettiest Ewe Contest’.

• “Labor Day” in the USA & Canada, a tribute to the contributions of all workers. It has origins in a printers’ revolt in Toronto in 1872, when parades were held to support the workers’ bid for shorter hours. After seeing Canadian festivities, the Knights of Labor organized similar events in NYC in 1882. Labor Day became a statutory holiday in both the US and Canada in 1894. In dozens of other countries, May 1st is “International Workers’ Day”, a day of celebration for labor.

1966 [44] TV show “Star Trek” debuts with a private showing at the “World Science Fiction Convention” in Cleveland, Ohio (attended by the 1st ‘geeks’)

1992 [18] Prince signs a $100-million recording contract with Warner Bros – $10 million each for 10 albums (then whines for years about ‘slavery’)

1995 [15] Online auction site ‘eBay’ is founded in San Jose, California by French-born Iranian computer programmer Pierre Omidyar (originally called ‘AuctionWeb’)

1970 [40] ‘Largest Hailstone’ lands near Coffeyville, Kansas – 1.66 lbs, 17.5 inches in diameter (wait a sec, didn’t that fall from an airliner?)


[Tues] Salami Day
[Wed] International Literacy Day
[Wed] Rosh Hashanah (Jewish)
[Thurs] NFL Opening Kickoff 2010 (New Orleans LA)
[Thurs] 35th Toronto International Film Festival begins
This Week Is … Emergency Care Week
This Month Is … Be Kind to Editors & Writers Month


• You look at your neglected lawn and promise to make more of an effort next year.
• Your bug bites have finally stopped itching and are paling into permanent scars.
• You’re planning to put away your solar-powered garden lights.
• You call your buddies to see if they’ll help pull the snowmobile out of the lake and get her tuned up.
• Your neck vein has stopped popping from kids repeatedly yelling, “Are we there yet?”
• The camping gear is back in the basement, collecting mould and mildew for next year.
• You’ve started a savings plan for those $500 heat bills coming in December and January.
• Health officials are already meeting to dream up a new flu scare for this Winter. Canine flu?
• You’ve used the last of the bikini wax to polish your hardwood floors.


Due to the variety of categories, it’s tough to nail down the world’s tallest skyscraper but these are certainly near the very top …
5. Willis Tower (formerly Sears Tower), Chicago IL … 442 m (1,450 ft).
4. Petronas Towers, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia … 452 m (1,483 ft).
3. Shanghai World Financial Center, Shanghai, China … 492 m (1,614 ft).
2. Taipei 101, Taipei, Taiwan … 509 m (1,670 ft).
1. Burj Khalifa, Dubai UAE … 818 m (2,717 ft).

After only one karate lesson I can already break boards with my cast!


In “Going The Distance”, a couple regularly travels coast-to-coast just to see one another. How far would you go to see the woman/man of your dreams? Down the street? To the ends of the Earth? Hamilton?

Today’s Question: About half of women who are dating say THIS is not romantic and hurts their relationship.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Splitting the bill.


No matter how annoying we find the body next to us in bed, we sure miss it when it’s not there.

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