Thursday, September 13, 2007        Edition: #3612
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

Brit actor Jude Law will take a break from the bigscreen to play “Hamlet” on stage in a new production in London’s West End to be directed by Kenneth Branagh (but he still wants a trailer so he can ‘entertain’ starlets) . . . 32-year-old newlywed Eva Longoria says she’ll put motherhood on hold because she doesn’t want to leave “Desperate Housewives” (ironically her character would do just about anything to be a mother) . . . FOX-TV is planning a weekly reality series tentatively titled, “Smile! You’re Under Arrest”, in which criminal suspects are busted after being lured in front of TV cameras by such ruses as the offer of a job as a movie extra (it’s like “Punk’d”, only with real consequences) . . . A report claims that suicidal actor Owen Wilson did NOT check into rehab following his recent hospital stay, but instead went against the advice of those close to him and opted to hire a $750-a-day ‘sober companion’ to keep him on the straight and narrow (man, what a breeze job!) . . . Good news for “Daily Show” fans — Jon Stewart will return to host the 80th “Academy Awards” FEBRUARY 24 at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood after being replaced last year by Ellen Degeneres (was Stewart not best host ever?) . . . “The Advocate” magazine’s new list of the 40 greatest gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgender heroes of the last 40 years includes Ellen DeGeneres, Elton John, Melissa Etheridge, and kd lang (what, no George Clooney?) . . . Movie actor Ben Foster says he patterned his character in “3:10 to Yuma” on classic rocker David Bowie because Old West gunfighters dressed as flamboyantly as rock stars (fortunately, he opted not to go with “Ziggy Stardust”-style makeup) . . . 18-year-old “Harry Potter” actor Daniel Radcliffe admits he ruined his first on-screen sex scene with co-star Teresa Palmer in the upcoming movie “December Boys” because he couldn’t stop giggling (wasn’t there some sort of little joke?) . . . Not that Radcliffe has any problem with being starkers – he’ll soon be stripping down for theater audiences in NYC when the stage production “Equus” moves from London’s West End to Broadway (is it just us or is there something creepy about seeing ‘Harry Potter’ in the altogether?).

• Black Eyed Peas – Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger says offered both she & Fergie a place in his band on the same night. Scherzinger was under contract with girl group Eden’s Crush at the time and had to turn down the offer. Otherwise she’d have Fergie’s job … or so she says.
• Foo Fighters – Dave Grohl’s 2nd wife, Jordyn, says she loves his facial hair … because it repels other women. She doubts that many groupies would wanna go anywhere near him with his thick beard.
• Jessica Simpson – Now she wants to be a country singer. Her manager/father Joe says she’s returning to her Texas roots to record an album of country tunes. Uh guys, the problem with her lukewarm career isn’t the format … it’s the lack of talent!
• Justin Timberlake – His doctor has reportedly ordered him to several days of vocal rest as a result of his performance on the “MTV Video Music Awards” combined with months of touring. Sounds like someone partied too long in Vegas.

• Daughtry – He drops in on “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV).
• Kanye West – He flogs his new album “Graduation” and will no doubt be whining about his latest “VMA” awards loss on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Kenny Chesney – He promotes his just-released new album “Just Who I Am: Poets & Pirates” on “Late Night With Conan O’ Brien” (NBC).
• Michael Buble – He sings on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).
• Rihanna – She performs “Shut Up & Drive” on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV).
• Yellowcard – They do “MuchOnDemand” (MuchMusic).

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “Nine” – Catherine Zeta-Jones & French actress Marion Cotillard have won coveted roles in “Chicago” director Rob Marshall’s new movie musical. They’ve been added to a cast that already includes Spanish actress Penelope Cruz & aging Italian screen siren Sophia Loren. The musical won a “Tony Award” for ‘Best Revival’ when it returned to the Broadway stage in 2003.
• “Robotech” – Toby Maguire may slip out of his ‘Spidey’ suit and into robot attire for this bigscreen adaption of this anime classic. He’s both producing & eyeing the lead role. The story’s about Earthlings fighting off an alien invasion with giant robots developed from an alien spaceship that crashed in the Pacific.
• “Swing Vote” – This upcoming comedy tells the story of a presidential election that comes down to one vote cast by the character played by Kevin Costner. The ensemble cast also includes Dennis Hopper, Kelsey Grammar, Nathan Lane, former NASCAR racer Richard Petty, and country singer Willie Nelson. It’s now shooting in Albuquerque NM.

You might claim looks or money don’t matter but when it comes down to the crunch, men go for beauty and women choose wealth & security, according to a new international study. A team of American, German, English & Scottish researchers used speed-dating sessions to examine what people actually choose for an ideal match. While participants stated beforehand that they wanted to find someone like themselves, most men went after the more attractive women and most women were drawn to material wealth & security. Perhaps not surprisingly, men weren’t as picky as the women. (Still breathing is good … or at least still warm.)
– “China Daily”

Each of the tiny bumps on your tongue contains 250 taste buds. As well as taste buds for ‘sweet’, ‘salty’, ‘sour’ and ‘bitter’, scientists now think we may have a taste bud for ‘fat’. This may explain why fat substitutes don’t seem to provide the same satisfaction as the real thing. (Tonight on Discovery Channel, they’ll test this out by licking Rosie O’Donnell.)
– “Washington Post”

Having a large network of online buddies does not mean that you have any more close friends than other people, according to evolutionary psychologist Will Reader of Sheffield Hallam University in Britain. Nearly all close friends require face-to-face contact, he says, and the weird experience of laughing together when people find they have similar goals and experiences is necessary. (It’s called ‘having a life’.)
– “Social Studies”

Researchers at the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation say one of the scents that turns women on most is – ‘cucumber’. They have no idea why the aroma proves so arousing. (But they note that substituting mini-gherkins doesn’t work.)
– “Science”

According to Quality Planning Corp, a company that rates drivers for insurance companies based on the number of accidents they’ve had, the absolute worst drivers by profession are students, doctors, lawyers, architects, and real estate agents. Why? Long days, late nights, a tendency to speed and lots of cellphone use while driving. By comparison, the safest drivers by occupation are farmers, firemen, pilots, politicians, and homemakers. (Not movie actresses?)
– “Enquirer”

Golf courses can actually serve a useful purpose as wildlife sanctuaries. Researchers at Miami University in Ohio say there are 17,000 courses in the United States and roughly 70% of the land is not used for playing. A diversity of ponds, for instance, could mimic wetlands. Bio-diversity, however, would best be served if these ponds were completely dried in late Summer or early Fall. (Or right before my tee shot.)
– “Focus”

Meltable material for dissolvable dresses is under development at the British universities of Ulster and Sheffield as part of a collection of eco-friendly designs. The fabric is made of a clear polymer that breaks down very slowly under normal wear. Rather than throwing it out once it’s gone out of style, the user simply drops it into a bowl of hot water to liquefy. Voila! No more rags in the world’s overflowing landfills. (Put your squirt guns away … it takes a long time, guys.)
– “The Futurist“

• Cats are especially vulnerable to second-hand smoke. Since they lick themselves while grooming, they can ingest carcinogens that accumulate on their fur.
• Animals are actually attracted to the smell of the ammonia that some pet owners use to clean up their ‘accidents’. That’s because ammonia is a component of urine.
– “Newsday”


1969 [38] Tyler Perry, New Orleans LA, movie actor/director (“Daddy’s Little Girls”, “Madea’s Family Reunion”)

1970 [37] Louise Lombard, Redbridge UK, TV actress (‘Detective Sofia Curtis’ on “CSI” since 2004)

1971 [36] Stella McCartney, London UK, fashion designer (Gucci, Chloe, CARE)/Paul & Linda McCartney’s daughter/PETA advocate/Heather Mills hater

1975 [32] Joe Don Rooney, Baxter Springs KS, country guitarist (Rascal Flatts-“Take Me There”, “Fast Cars & Freedom”)

1977 [30] Fiona Apple (McAfee), NYC, one-hit-wonder pop singer (“Criminal”)

• “Computer Programmers Day”, honoring all the geeks who keep coming up with ever innovative ways of freezing up our PCs.

• “Fortune Cookie Day”, celebrating the creation of the tasty little treats with a slip of paper inside that brings you good luck, a whimsical saying, or a philosophical thought. It’s pretty clear that the fortune cookie did NOT originate in China. It was more likely invented in San Francisco CA around 1914.
– What, 3 servings of moo shoo pork weren’t enough for you, tubby?
– Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops.
– Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt.
– Patron who mocks waiter’s accent will unwittingly consume chef’s bodily fluids.
– A wise man tips 20% to avoid severe tire damage.
– Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application.
– Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck.
– Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup.

• “Peanut Day”. Peanuts are not really nuts at all but legumes (edible seeds enclosed in pods). As a group, legumes provide the best source of concentrated protein in the plant kingdom. Research shows that peanuts & peanut butter help reduce heart disease risk by 14%. And a Harvard study suggests that peanuts & peanut butter may also reduce risk of type 2 diabetes.

• “Positive Thinking Day”, thanks to some eager-beaver keener somewhere.

• “Ramadan” begins, the 9th month of the Islamic calendar, considered the most venerated & spiritually-beneficial month. Every day during the month, Muslims around-the-world fast during daylight hours. They only eat before sun-up and after a certain time at night. The month-long fast ends at the sighting of the new moon, when the holiday feast “Eid ul-Fitr” (Festival of Fast-Breaking) is celebrated.

1993 [14] 1st episode of “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” on NBC-TV (first guest is actor John Goodman)

2000 [07] 1st night of 2-episode special Canadian edition of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” on CTV, hosted by Pamela Wallin (about $60,000 is given away after Canadians spend well over a million bucks on $2-phone calls attempting to qualify)

1996 [11] Rapper Tupac Shakur dies at age 25 in a Las Vegas hospital, 6 days after a drive-by shooting

1997 [10] Best-selling single recording of all-time is released (Elton John’s tribute to Princess Diana, “Candle in the Wind 1997”, sells over 35 million copies worldwide)

1907 [100] ‘Interprovincial Rugby Football Union’ (‘Big Four’) forms with Hamilton Tigers, Toronto Argonauts, Ottawa Rough Riders, and Montreal Foot Ball Club (forerunner of the CFL)

1996 [11] USA defeats Canada 5-2 in sudden-death final of 1st “World Cup of Hockey” (Canadians gasp in shame, while most Americans aren’t even aware it was played)

1996 [11] Toronto Blue Jay Charlie O’Brien becomes 1st catcher to wear a hockey goalie mask in a Major League Baseball game

1992 [15] 1st ‘puntless’ football game in NFL history as Jim Kelly-led Buffalo Bills and San Francisco 49ers led by Steve Young rack up 1,086 yards in total offense … without punting the ball once (Bills win 34-31)

2001 [06] 1st time most of us hear the name Usama Bin Laden as he’s fingered by the US government as mastermind behind the 9/11 terrorist attacks

1922 [85] Maximum outdoor shade temperature ever recorded (58 C/136 F at Al’azizyah, Libya)

[Fri] International Cross-Culture Day
[Fri] Pregnant Women’s Day
[Fri] International Shellfish Festival (PEI)
[Fri] “Across the Universe”; “The Brave One”; “Eastern Promises”; “The Hunting Party”; “Mr Woodcock” open in movie theaters
[Sat] POW/MIA Recognition Day
[Sun] 59th Primetime Emmy Awards (Los Angeles)
[Sun] Working Parents Day
This Week Is … Financial Services Week
This Month Is … Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Month


• “10 Cravings All Guys Have” – Cosmopolitan
• “Jeans Dos & Don’ts” – Glamour
• “Sex Life Road Test” – Redbook
• “My Husband Became a Woman” – Chatelaine
• “30 Fab (and Affordable) Fall Shoes” – Woman’s Day
• “Look 10 Years Younger in Just 10 Minutes” – Ladies’ Home Journal

Guys may come and go, but a great pair of shoes will last a lifetime.

‘Celebrity Skin & Bodily Fluids’ of Los Angeles offers numerous body samples purportedly culled from the rich & famous. Among the latest: Bacteria from Van Halen singer David Lee Roth @ $6.75; skin cells from actor Jack Black @ only $14.75; and a 3-cubic-cm section of former heavyweight boxing champ Mike Tyson’s stool, packed in a hermetically-sealed transparent plastic cylinder for $31. (That might seem like a small sample, but it’s all Tyson had left after Don King cleaned him out.)

Marketing gurus will tell you that any successful product should have at least 3 easily recognizable advantages over its competition. So what’s your show got going for it?

Of all your favorite foods, which one would you find the most difficult to give up completely for the rest of your life?

Today’s Question: Perhaps surprisingly, women are responsible for buying 74% of THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: NFL & NBA apparel, according to “Women’s Health Magazine”.

It’s a dog eat dog world, and there are some real bitches out there.

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