Tuesday, September 4, 2007        Edition: #3605
Here’s Sheet in Your Eye!

WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• 38-year-old movie star Owen Wilson has been discharged from hospital a week after an apparent suicide attempt, but is reportedly still being watched 24/7 in his Santa Monica CA home.
– ContactMusic.com
• Perhaps Owen Wilson’s real problem was to get involved with singer Sheryl Crow? She & Wilson dated at the millennium and now, 7 years later, his life is in disarray. Join the club, dude! Another of Crow’s ex-boyfriend’s, Kevin Gilbert, died from autoerotic asphyxiation. And how about her long-time bf Lance Armstrong? Testicular cancer! Another ex-, Kid Rock, has Paris Hilton sniffing around him now … eww, bad vibe! Crow had a 1994 hit called “Leaving Las Vegas” based on a book by John O’Brien … who committed suicide soon after its release. And Crow was a back-up singer for Michael Jackson … who’s about 8 bajillion in debt and sporting his 57th nose. Need we say more?
– PopBitch.com
• Heath Ledger & Michelle Williams have split up. The acting duo met on the set of the Oscar-winning movie “Brokeback Mountain” in 2004, and apparently quietly separated amicably LAST MONTH after 3 years together. (Just long enough to have a child permanently scarred with the name ‘Matilda’).
– “Us Weekly”
• Show biz ‘insiders’ are claiming that Jennifer Lopez is about to announce that she’s pregnant … with twins. Funny thing is, she looked hella skinny in her latest video, “Do It Well”, that was shot in LA just a week ago. (Wow, the things they can do with makeup these days!)
– HollyScoop.com
• NBC-TV has decided NOT to renew its contract with Apple to sell downloads of its TV shows on iTunes after the 2 companies were unable to reach an agreement on pricing. The current 2-year deal ends in DECEMBER. (Then you’ll have to watch “The Office” the old fashioned way … on TV.)
– “New York Times”
• Kevin Federline wants his former missus, Britney Spears, to shell out for his legal bills. Why? According to his attorney, K-Fed has ‘no net income’ after expenses. And since Spears rakes in an average of $738,000 monthly, she’s ‘clearly the monied party’ and should therefore cover $50,000 of her ex-’s litigation expenses. What’s forcing the issue – Federline’s $20,000-a-month spousal support ends in NOVEMBER.
– HollywoodRag.com
• Interviewed at the “Venice Film Festival” YESTERDAY, Brad Pitt admitted he & Angelina Jolie are ready for another child. He didn’t specify whether #5 would be adopted or biological. (Do yourself a favor, dude. Go ‘green’!)
– “eTalk Daily”
• 28-year-old Usher wed 37-year-old gf Tameka Foster in a large, glitzy ceremony SATURDAY after exchanging vows in a secret civil ceremony AUGUST 3rd. About 200 attended the reception, held in a 16th-century-style French chateau outside Atlanta GA. The 5-tiered white-chocolate-covered wedding cake was created by the same bakery that did actress Eva Longoria’s earlier THIS SUMMER. Usher called off the original wedding, scheduled for JULY 28th, amid reports Foster had checked into hospital due to problems with her pregnancy.
– “People”

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Blonde Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith’s Death” – Journalist Rita Cosby’s new book hits shelves, which reportedly claims that Anna Nicole’s baby daddy Larry Birkhead & her attorney Howard K Stern struck a deal to share her fortune and were also … gay lovers. Birkhead is threatening to sue if either accusation actually shows up in the book.
• “Calvin Klein 25th Anniversary Party” – Hosted by actors Djimon Hounsou & Hilary Swank in NYC on the eve of “New York Fashion Week”. Hounsou is the face (and body) of the brand’s latest underwear line, Steel, which is being launched at the bash.
 • “Dale” (CMT) – The new 2-hour bio-film about late NASCAR racer Dale Earnhardt Sr (1951-2001) debuts. Narrated by actor Paul Newman, it includes archival race footage, home videos, and interviews with friends & family. Encore performances air on CMT TOMORROW and THURSDAY before the feature film is released to DVD.
• “Ellen” (syndicated/CityTV) – Ellen DeGeneres kicks off her 5th season with a show in NYC featuring presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.
• Feist – The Canadian indie singer performs “1234” on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC).
• Foxy Brown – The oft-arrested rapper is scheduled to appear in court after recently being issued 7 traffic tickets in a single incident. Originally pulled over for failing to stop at a stop sign, she was also charged with driving while talking on a cellphone; driving with a suspended vehicle registration; providing false information about her ID; and several other misdemeanors.
• “I Walked the Line: My Life With Johnny” – Yet another book on the late Johnny Cash is published. This one by his first wife, Vivian, who died in 2005 but not before telling her story to TV producer Ann Sharpsteen. The book focuses on Cash’s early career.
• Lily Allen – The Brit pop star (“LDN”) does “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).
• Madonna – The Malawian Minister of Women & Child Development, Penstone Kilembe, is scheduled to visit the UK for 2 weeks, during which he’ll visit her & Guy Ritchie at home to assess how David Banda is doing with his would-be adoptive family. The couple are now looking to adopt a 2nd Malawian child, this time a 13-month-old girl named ‘Mercy’.
• Mercury Prize – Britain’s annual award for ‘Album of the Year’ is announced in London. That may be one reason Amy Winehouse & her husband Blake Fielder-Civil have arrived back in the UK after a vacation on St Lucia in the Caribbean. The Arctic Monkeys are also short-listed for the prize.
• “The Oprah Winfrey Show“ (syndicated/CTV) – Bill Clinton gives his first interview to promote “Giving”, his new book on philanthropy & civic action that’s being published today. Oprah has good reason to support it, it gives a shout-out to her Angels Network for donating millions.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – The daytime gabfest kicks off its 11th season with the addition of actress/comedian Whoopi Goldberg as the new moderator, replacing Rosie O’Donnell. Danny DeVito is the first guest.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Delta Farce” ( Action Comedy ): After losing his job & his girlfriend on the same day, Larry the Cable Guy joins a couple buddies for a relaxing weekend of drinking & target practice. When they’re mistaken for Army Reservists, they’re loaded onto an army plane headed for Iraq, then mistakenly ejected over Mexico. Hijinks ensue. Co-stars Bill Engvall, DJ Qualls & Keith David.
• “Georgia Rule” ( Drama ): Jane Fonda, Felicity Huffman, and Lindsay Lohan star as 3 generations of the same family struggling to cope with the relationship between mothers and daughters. This is the film in which Fonda got fed up with Lohan’s shoddy work habits and let her know about it.
• “Wind Chill” ( Horror Thriller ): A pair of college students share a ride home for the holidays. But when they break down on a deserted stretch of road, they’re preyed upon by the ghosts of other people who have died there. No-name cast. Shot in Vancouver & Peachland BC.
• “The Wind That Shakes the Barley” ( War Drama ): Cillian Murphy stars in this story about 2 brothers who are torn apart by the anti-British rebellion in early 20th-Century Ireland. Winner of the Palme D’or at the 2006 “Cannes Film Festival”.
• Also released TODAY: “The Black Donnellys: The Complete Series”; “Cheech & Chong’s Up in Smoke: Special Collector’s Edition”; “Desperate Housewives: The Complete 3rd Season – The Dirty Laundry Edition”; “Nip/Tuck: The Complete Seasons 1-4”; “The Office: Season 3“; “Prison Break: Season 2”; and “30 Rock: Season 1”.

COMEDIC TIMING:
How long does it take for the average person to understand a punch line? Believe it or not, researchers at Texas A&M University actually tested it out. The average time taken to process a one-line joke (aka to ‘get it’) was 450 milliseconds … just under a half-second. (When you tell [sports reporter] a joke, you need an egg timer.)
– AP

AS IF GOING BACK TO SCHOOL ISN’T SCARY ENOUGH:
Since 1999 there have been 229 students killed & 422 injured as a result of school violence in America, an average of 1 shot or stabbed student per week. According to MJ Safety Solutions, 97% of these incidents could have been prevented by their … bulletproof backpack. Yep, it’s a  a full size, lightweight backpack that contains the same built-in ballistic protection used by soldiers and police officers. Only $175. (Helmet, anti-tank missiles & night-vision goggles extra.)
NET: http://mychildspack.com/
– “Curious Times”

OR YOU COULD JUST SPIT ON YOUR FACE CLOTH:
There is now a facial cream that costs a whopping $250 for 1.7 ounces because your own DNA is incorporated into the cream itself. The manufacturer claims that your own DNA will help your skin heal better and take away wrinkles. (Nicollette Sheridan would buy it but she’s having trouble finding the DNA for plastic.)
– “Science”

IS THE iBUG NEXT?
The head of Volkswagen, Martin Winterkorn, recently traveled to California to exchange ideas with Steve Jobs, co-founder and CEO of Apple, about the launch of an ‘iCar’. Scores of ideas are apparently being kicked around, but auto industry insiders say the 2 businessmen have been dealing mostly with design and technology issues, which suggests that a completely new vehicle could be in the works. (What iPhone-type options would you put into a car?)
– “GQ”

NO MORE NEWS FAKERY:
British TV network Channel Five is hoping to add some integrity to its newscasts by banning staged shots, such as those cut-aways showing a reporter nodding in response to an interviewee. Those are just add-ons which are usually filmed afterward. Also out: Contrived walking shots in which subjects are filmed strolling toward the camera. (We need this here!)
– PA News

FOR THE RECORD:
• A controversial artwork by British conceptual artist Damien Hirst, which entails a diamond-encrusted human skull entitled “For The Love Of God”, has managed to sell for its asking price of … a whopping $100 million! The skull’s been bought by a group of anonymous investors, making it the most expensive work ever sold by a living artist.
– “Times of London”
• 105-lb competitive eater Sonya Thomas (“The Black Widow”) of Alexandria VA beat out a dozen rivals SATURDAY, scarfing 173 wings (5.17 lbs) in 12 minutes to win the annual wing-eating contest at the “National Buffalo Wing Festival” in Buffalo NY. That was enough to top the event but not the world record – 7.5 lbs, set  by Joey Chestnut earlier THIS YEAR.
– Ananova News

BS AMAZING FACT:
Certain smells cause sexual stimulation. On the list as most sexually tantalizing for men: Pumpkin pie, lavender, cinnamon buns, doughnuts, and pizza. (Do they even make pizza-scented perfume?)
– “Cosmopolitan”

BS CHRONOMETER 09.04.07

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1918 [89] Paul Harvey, Tulsa OK, syndicated radio commentator (“The R-R-R-R-Rest of the Story” since 1976)/Radio Hall of Fame (1990)  FACTOID: He’s actually older than the first radio stations: CFCF Montréal, KDKA Pittsburgh, and WWJ Detroit, all of which went on-air in 1920.

1957 [50] Khandi Alexander, NYC, TV actress (‘Chief Medical Examiner Alexx Woods’ on “CSI: Miami” since 2002)

1960 [47] Damon Wayans, NYC, TV actor (“My Wife & Kids” 2001-05)/movie actor (“Celtic Pride”, “Major Payne”)/Shawn, Marlon, Keenen & Kim’s brother

1981 [26] Beyoncé Knowles, Houston TX, pop singer (“Beautiful Liar”, “Irreplaceable”, Destiny’s Child-“Lose My Breath”)/movie actress (“Dreamgirls”, “Austin Powers in Goldmember”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Cheese Pizza Day”, celebrating the favorite order of cheapskates everywhere.

• “Newspaper Carriers Day”, celebrating the anniversary of the 1st recorded ‘news boy’, 10 year-old Barney Flaherty, who began hawking the “New York Sun” 174 years ago in 1833. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve found your paper after it was ‘delivered’?

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1953 [54] 1st MLB team to win 5 consecutive championships (NY Yankees)

1957 [50] Ford Motor Company begins selling its ill-fated ‘Edsel’, which proves so unpopular it’s yanked off the market in 1959

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1950 [57] DM Hodgson of St Ann Bay NS catches record 997-lb tuna

1972 [35] USA swimmer Mark Spitz wins record 7th gold medal in single Olympic games

1982 [25] 8,659 dancers form ‘Longest Conga Line’ (London UK)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Be Late For Something Day
[Wed] Busta Rhymes trial begins (NYC)
[Wed-Fri] 12th Air Guitar World Championships (Oulu, Finland)
[Thurs] 4th  Fashion Rocks Concert (NYC)
[Thurs] NFL season kick-off (Indianapolis)
[Thurs-Sept 15] 32nd Toronto International Film Festival

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Child Injury Prevention Week / Emergency Care Week / Full Employment Week / Financial Services Week / Religious Reference Books Week / Self-University Week

BULL’S BITS

WORLD’S MOST FRIGHTENING ICE CREAM FLAVORS:
Think you’re being adventurous ordering a scoop of Peanut Butter ‘n Chocolate on your ice cream cone? Wrongo, vanilla breath! Check out this ranking of the weirdest ice cream flavors found around-the-world …
5. Sweet Potato (Because nothing’s yummier for dessert than orange vegetables.)
4. Ox Tongue (Ready for a little tongue-on-tongue action?)
3. Squid (Be sure to ask for extra ink!)
2. Octopus (Takes 8 arms to make, but only 1 to eat!)
1. Fish (Made with saury, a saltwater fish popular in Japan, and topped off with liberal doses of brandy … likely to drown out the fishy aroma.)
Also rans: Cheese Risotto, Chicken Wing, Chunky Bacon, Eel, Fried Eggplant, Fried Pork Rind, Indian Curry, Sauerkraut Sherbet, Seaweed, Spaghetti Bolognaise, and … mmm! … Whale.
NET: http://tinyurl.com/yqwnkk
– Who-Sucks.com

BS PHONE STARTER:
What famous person, whom many find attractive, is totally unappealing to you? How about: Elijah Wood (where’d those creepy eyes come from – is he the spawn of a frog?); Orlando Bloom (a pasty, soft, girly man who’d fall down at the flick of a finger); Kirsten Dunst (squinty eyes; pale complexion; weak mouth; fat cheeks); Reese Witherspoon (horrifically oversized head, including a massive forehead worthy of Frankenstein’s monster); Scarlett Johansson (overbite; weak chin; flabby thighs & butt); Tobey Maguire (could be Elijah Wood’s amphibian brother – is this what a superhero looks like?).

BS RANDOM JOKE:
The box said ”Requires Microsoft Windows XP, or better” … so I bought a Macintosh.

BS WEB GOODIE:
Here’s a real time-saver! This website features a list of shortcuts to get you past a corporate phone system’s unending menu and through to an actual live human. (There’s no guarantee they’ll speak your language, however.)
NET: http://gethuman.com/

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Late August-early September is the busiest time of year for THESE professionals.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Divorce lawyers.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.


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