Monday, September 10, 2012         Edition: #4826

Sweet Sheet!

• “The Master” was the toast of the Venice Film Festival in Italy on Saturday night, scoring top prizes for acting (shared by Joaquin Phoenix & Philip Seymour Hoffman) and direction (Paul Thomas Anderson). However, the picture lost out on the festival’s highest honor, the coveted ‘Golden Lion Award’, to the South Korean drama “Pieta”. (Perhaps due to a quota on the number of awards a single pic can win.)
• In her first interview since her marriage meltdown, Heidi Klum tells syndicated talk show host Katie Couric that she never cheated on Seal while they were married. The German model separated from the “Kiss From a Rose” singer in January after 7 years of marriage and filed for divorce in April. Quote: “When we were together, I never looked at another man.” The interview is due to air on “Katie” this Wednesday. (Now they’re flaming each other on TV – it’s getting ugly!)
• An intruder was arrested at Miley Cyrus’ LA home in the early hours of Saturday morning after police responded to a 9-1-1 call from her house in Studio City and found a man in the bushes outside. The 40-year-old reportedly scaled a fence to get into the grounds and was arrested for ‘suspicion of trespassing’. He was reportedly armed with scissors. (Maybe he saw those recent photos and just wanted to give her a decent haircut?)
• Justin Timberlake may become a part-owner of the NBA’s Memphis Grizzlies. 34-year-old technology guru Robert Pera is set to make a takeover bid for the franchise and wants Memphis-native Timberlake on his team of minority partners. Current owner Michael Heisley, who bought the Grizzlies back in 2000 when they were based in Vancouver, is said to be ready to retire. (Hopefully Timberlake’s investment pays off better than his involvement in MySpace.)
• “American Idol” auditions begin in 2 weeks and so far only 1 judge has signed a deal. Enrique Iglesias is the latest to be offered a seat on the judging panel, according to “Entertainment Weekly”. The 37-year-old singer has reportedly been offered around $4 million-per-year. So far, neither the show’s producers not FOX-TV has made any comment on that. (What happened to last week’s rumors about Nicki Minaj and Keith Urban?)
• And Liberty Ross strutted the catwalk at an Alexander Wang fashion show Saturday during New York Fashion Week, her first public outing since revelations her director-husband Rupert Sanders cheated on her with actress Kristen Stewart. Her striking appearance in an all-white ensemble including a pencil skirt and strappy sandals got the biggest buzz of the day. (It may have just been a really bad makeup job but we gotta say … nice legs, shame about her face.)

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – The Head & The Heart (“The Head & The Heart”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – P!nk (“The Truth About Love”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Avett Bros (“The Carpenter”).
• “Katie” (syndicated) – Katie Couric’s debut show features Sheryl Crow (“Icon: Sheryl Crow”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Ting Tings (“Sounds From Nowheresville”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – David Byrne & St Vincent (“Love This Giant”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Josh Turner (“Punching Bag”). Rerun.
• “Live With Kelly & Michael” (syndicated/CTV) – Blake Shelton (“The Voice”).
• “MTV VMAs” (MTV) – Alicia Keys, Frank Ocean, Green Day, Lil Wayne, One Direction, P!nk, Rihanna, Taylor Swift, 2 Chainz and others. Rerun.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Dwight Yoakam (“3 Pears”). Rerun.
• “The Voice” (NBC) Season 3 debuts as coaches Adam Levine, Blake Shelton, Cee Lo Green, and Christina Aguilera return with new contestants and new mentors Mary J Blige, Michael Bublé, Rob Thomas (Matchbox 20), and Billie Joe Armstrong (Green Day).

• Carrie Underwood – Her 4th studio album, “Blown Away”, has just been certified Platinum by the RIAA for sales of 1 million units.
• Eurythmics – Dave Stewart says no reunion with Annie Lennox is imminent but a stage musical is in his plans that would be based on music by the 1980s pop duo. He expects the theatrical piece to come together ‘in the not too distant future’.
• Lady Gaga – She used the first UK show of her “Born This Way Ball” world tour to debut a track written in honor of the late Princess of Wales. It’s titled “Princess D.I.E.”
• Little Big Town – They’ve grabbed top spot on the ‘Billboard Country Songs’ chart for this week with their single “Pontoon”.
• P!nk – She tells “People” magazine that wine is her obsession and she’s enrolled in a course studying various regions and grapes with an eye to starting her own vineyard.
• R Kelly – His tax troubles just got worse as the IRS is demanding another $1.4 million in back taxes. He was already facing a federal income tax bill of over $4.8 million dating back to 2005.
• Taylor Swift – She’s told fans that the rest of the songs on her upcoming “Red” album (out October 22nd) will not necessarily sound like the lead single, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”, but each of the 16 songs is about ‘some sort of intense emotion’ she felt.
• Weezer – Frontman Rivers Cuomo tells Australia’s “Herald Sun” the band is mulling the idea of starting their own Summer camp, but they’re just beginning to talk about it so he doesn’t have any details yet.

Real cases from hospital ERs …
• A 28-year old male suffering bruises about his head which he said were from ramming himself into a wall in an attempt to … make the nitroglycerin pills he had swallowed explode.
• A male adolescent admitted at 2 am with a complaint of … belly button lint.
• A 500-lb woman, dragged in on a tarp by 6 firefighters. While trying to undress her an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm; during a pelvic exam a TV remote was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch.
– Adapted from

The old adage that America is the land of unparalleled opportunity where those who work hard can climb the ladder to success may be a bit of a myth, according to a University of Michigan researcher. Sociologist Fabian Pfeffer says that, especially in America, people underestimate the extent to which your destiny is linked to your background. Research shows that ‘parental wealth’ plays an important role in where you end up on the socioeconomic ladder, even more so than ‘education’, ‘income’, or ‘occupation’. (For more information, Google ‘Mitt Romney’.)

A new study of classic film comedies rates them on the number of laughs they generate per minute. Results show that a 1980 Leslie Nielsen film tops all others, generating 3 belly laughs per minute. The top 10, according to their ‘Laugh-A-Minute’ scores …
10. “Life of Brian” (1.2 laughs per minute)
9. “Shaun Of the Dead” (1.3)
8. “Bridesmaids” (1.4)
7. “American Pie” (1.5)
6. “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy” (1.6)
5. “Borat” (1.7)
4. “Superbad” (1.9)
3. “The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!” (2.3)
2. “The Hangover” (2.4)
1. “Airplane!” (3)

Ingrid Dimock may be the world’s only chicken entrepreneur. The savvy Australian has grown her chicken-breeding business ‘City Chicks’ from a part-time gig to a thriving operation that ships ducks, turkeys, and bees as well. But her first love is chickens, and she’s long been advocating them as household pets. Dimock’s most famous invention, the ‘Chicken Nappy’, is a fashionable diaper for indoor hens. She also makes ‘Bling for Birds’, funky wristbands for identifying your chicken in a crowd; and ‘Chicken Chandeliers’, in case you want to give your old chicken coop a touch of class. (The only pet with a built-in alarm clock.)
– “Mental Floss Magazine”

A new Gallup poll shows that the number of people working for an employer full-time may be falling. Globally, only 27% of people older than age 15 are now working more than 30 hours-a-week for an employer. Percentages by region …
• North America … 41%
• European Union … 32%
• Middle East/North Africa … 18%
• Sub-Saharan Africa … 12%
The figures exclude those who are self-employed, working part-time, unemployed, or out of the workforce totally. (People who bitch about the boss are now in the minority.)
– “Los Angeles Times”

It’s been calculated that 43% of openly gay athletes won a medal at the London 2012 Olympic games.


1950 [62] Joe Perry, Lawrence MA, rock guitarist (Aerosmith-“I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”, “Dream On”)

1960 [52] Colin Firth, Grayshott UK, movie actor (“The King’s Speech”, “Mamma Mia!”)/Hollywood Walk of Fame (2011)  COMING UP: “Bridget Jones’ Baby” (2013)

1968 [44] Guy Ritchie, Hatfield UK, movie director (“Sherlock Holmes” films, “Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels”)/wed to Madonna 2000-08

1974 [38] Ryan Phillippe (FIL-uh-pee), New Castle DE, movie actor (“The Lincoln Lawyer”, “Crash”)/ex-Mr Reese Witherspoon (1999-2007)

1983 [29] Joey Votto, Etobicoke ON, MLB 1st baseman (Cincinnati Reds)/3-time MLB All-Star/2010 NL MVP/2010 Lou Marsh Trophy as Canada’s Athlete Of the Year

1984 [28] Matthew Followill, Oklahoma City OK, rock guitarist (Kings of Leon-“Use Somebody”, “Sex on Fire”)

1988 [24] Jordan Staal, Thunder Bay ON, NHL center (Carolina Hurricanes)

• “Boss/Employee Exchange Day”, to help employees and their bosses to appreciate each others’ point-of-view. (A good excuse to take the afternoon off and go golfing.)

• “Sewing Machine Day”, on the date that the sewing machine was patented in 1846. The first sewing machines were actually made in France in the 1830s. (What’s the ugliest thing mom ever whipped up on hers for you to wear?)

• “Swap Ideas Day”, set aside to encourage us to collaborate on creative thinking and new solutions to old problems. (So your co-workers can take all the credit.)

• “Teacher’s Day” in China, when students show their appreciation by presenting gifts such as cards and flowers.

• “World Suicide Prevention Day”, the 8th annual as declared by the International Association for Suicide Prevention. The idea is to raise awareness of one of our biggest killers.

2000 [12] NBC-TV’s “The West Wing” wins a record-setting 9 Emmy Awards, including ‘Best Drama Series’

1987 [25] Michael Jackson kicks off his “Bad” world tour at Korakuen Stadium in Tokyo, Japan

1991 [21] Nirvana’s landmark track “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is released as a single

1897 [115] 1st convicted ‘Drunk Driver’ rams a taxi-cab into a building (George Smith, London UK)

2008 [04] The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) particle accelerator, ‘Biggest Scientific Experiment in History’, is powered up beneath Geneva, Switzerland (leads to the ‘god particle’)

[Tues] 9/11 Remembrance Day
[Tues] Make Your Bed Day
[Tues] No News is Good News Day
[Wed] Chocolate Milkshake Day
[Thurs] Fortune Cookie Day
[Thurs] Kids Take Over the Kitchen Day

Assisted Living Week / Dating & Life Coach Recognition Week / Housekeepers Week / International Suicide Prevention Week / Line Dance Week


A highlight bit culled from 19 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
September is “Humor in Business Month”, so here are a few ways to lighten things up …
✓ Organize an Armpit Orchestra to play “Hail to the Chief” when the CEO arrives.
✓ Before anyone else shows up, connect each PC to a different monitor.
✓ Move the ‘Reserved’ sign on the boss’ parking space one space to the left … every day.
✓ Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
✓ When answering your phone, talk in a fake British accent.
✓ Take a picture of your boss, have it framed and display it prominently on your desk.
✓ Leave the photocopy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.
✓ Fill out phone message forms using only Roman numerals.
✓ Conduct a PowerPoint seminar on ‘what’ to kiss and ‘whose’.
✓ Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
– First published in “BS” 1997.

According to Disney, just what exactly is the relationship between ‘Mickey Mouse’ and ‘Minnie Mouse’?
a. Husband & wife.
b. Brother & sister.
c. Boyfriend & girlfriend. [CORRECT. They’re friends that have been ‘dating’ … for 84 years now.]

☎ What’s the oddest thing you’ve ever held together with a safety pin?

I have one nerve left … and you’re getting on it.

Question: 1-in-5 men do THIS when they’re having a bad day, according to a “Prevention” magazine poll.
Answer: Call mommy.

A blush on the face is better than a blot on the heart.

Randy Jones @ Hot Country 95.3 [KRTY] San Jose CA; Michael Benny @ 101.3 The River [CKKN] Prince George BC; Brian Prater @ Z-Rock 107.5 [WZLK] Pikeville KY; Nathan @, Onondaga Community College, Syracuse NY; Jodie Kramer @ Hot 98.9 [KRVC] Medford OR; and Tommy Little @ Rock 101 [KLOL] Houston TX.

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