Monday, September 12, 2011        Edition: #4584
You Really Know Your Sheet!

WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Actress Gwyneth Paltrow won her first Emmy Award ever at the “2011 Primetime Creative Arts Emmy Awards” in Los Angeles on Saturday. She’s been named ‘Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series’ for her role on “Glee” as substitute teacher ‘Holly Holiday’. Meanwhile, Justin Timberlake earned his 4th Emmy for his latest stint hosting “Saturday Night Live”. The Creative Arts Emmys recognize guest stars and technical achievements behind-the-camera, and serve as a prelude to the “Primetime Emmy Awards”, coming up September 18th.
– HollywoodReporter.com
• Actor Charlie Sheen was left red-faced Saturday at a Comedy Central roast taping in Culver City, California as Seth MacFarlane (“Family Guy”), Kate Walsh (“Private Practice”), William Shatner (“S–t My Dad Says”), boxer Mike Tyson and others paid mocking tribute, poking fun at his career and rotating roster of girlfriends. A couple of sample stabs …
– “He’s a man with a big heart, because it’s been dangerously enlarged by cocaine use.”
– “It’s amazing, despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys and your liver, the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids.”
The show airs on Comedy Central September 19th … the same night Ashton Kutcher debuts as Sheen’s replacement on “Two-and-a-Half Men” (CBS).
• Newlywed Kim Kardashian has announced on her blog she’s giving one lucky fan the chance to relive her wedding day. The socialite and reality TV star, who wed NBA basketball player Kris Humphries last month, is offering up the design team behind her lavish bash and $10,000 in goods. The contest winner, who must be planning to wed next spring or summer, will get a Vera Wang gown and up to 4 bridesmaids dresses, a makeover by Kardashian’s stylists, plus a $5,000-dream kitchen. To enter, brides-to-be must tell their love story in 250 words or less and explain why they deserve to win. Meantime, Kardashian cleans up on all the product endorsements.
– ContactMusic.com
• In a new interview, “Mad Men” star Christina Hendricks, who’s famous for her curvy figure, says she refuses to diet to conform to the ‘ideal’ Hollywood look. That comes from her mother, who never once said she felt fat. When Hendricks was a model she gained 15 lbs but says she felt beautiful because she looked ‘like a woman’. While her ‘Joan Harris’ character most often appears in high heels and pencil skirt, Hendricks says that in real life she’s happiest when outdoors with nature and likes nothing better than … ‘milking a cow’.
– Cosmopolitan.com
• And 50-year-old movie actor George Clooney is among a plethora of stars who’ve shown up at the now-screening “2011 Toronto Film Festival”. He’s promoting “The Ides Of March”, a new film about a Democratic state governor with designs on the White House, which he directed and stars in alongside Canadian actor Ryan Gosling. Female Clooney fans may be disappointed to hear that he’s been joined in Toronto by his latest girlfriend du jour, 5’-11” former WWE wrestler Stacey Keibler. Remember Stacey … caveat emptor.
– CBC.ca

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Anderson” (syndicated) – CNN correspondent Anderson Cooper launches his own syndicated daytime talk show. Today the family of tragic Brit singer Amy Winehouse give their first major TV interview since her death in June.
• “Bachelor Pad” (ABC) – The season finalé picks the winning couple and re-introduces us to 28-year-old California businessman Ben Flajnik. Rejected by Ashley Hebert in the most recent season of “The Bachelorette”, he’ll get another shot at reality-TV love as “The Bachelor” when that show returns next January.
• “Canadian Country Music Awards” (CBC) – The annual accolades for Canadian country acts are handed out in Hamilton, Ontario. Johnny Reid leads nominations with 6; other multiple nominees include Carolyn Dawn Johnson, Dean Brody, George Canyon, and Terri Clark. Performers include Luke Bryan, Ronnie Dunn. A taped version airs tomorrow on CMT Canada.
NET: http://www.ccma.org/awards/index.cfm
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Alexander (“Alexander”).
• “Gaga By Gaultier” (CW) – Lady Gaga talks with fashion designer Jean Paul Gaultier about her life and career in this 1-hour special.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Sia (“We Are Born”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The Kills (“Midnight Boom”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Chris Young (“Neon”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – 1960s group The Zombies.
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/CTV2) – Corey Monteith (“Glee”).
• “Miss Universe Pageant” (NBC) – The 2011 edition features contestants from more than 80 countries. Natalie Morales & Andy Cohen host.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Glen Campbell (“Ghost On the Canvas”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Avril Lavigne – Today her latest Abbey Dawn clothing collection debuts at New York Fashion Week. Included are dresses, denim, skirts, footwear, handbags, wallets, purses, and eyewear. Among the models showing it off … Kim Kardashian’s youngest half-sister, Kylie Jenner.
• Carrie Underwood – She says that her new album is about ‘half done’, but it’s still too early to debut anything yet.
• Chris Brown – Tonight he kicks off the “FAME Tour” at Toronto’s Molson Amphitheatre. Also on the bill: Kelly Rowland, T-Pain, and Tyga.
• Jake Owen – His “Barefoot Blue Jean Night” tops this week’s Country Albums chart in “Billboard” magazine, while “Barefoot Blue Jean Night” the single is #1 on the Country Songs chart.
• Jimmy Buffett – His new Facebook game, “Margaritaville Online”, features 3-D virtual islands filled with music, mini-games and, of course, margaritas, all of which are likely to appeal to his 600,000+ Facebook ‘friends’.
• Lupe Fiasco – His “Generation LASER” North American tour begins tonight in Boston. Opening acts are Big Sean, Girl Talk, Sarah Green, Tinie Tempah, and Wale.
• Reba McEntire – She’s announced on her website she’ll shoot a pilot episode next April for a new ABC-TV sitcom entitled “Malibu Country”. Her previous sitcom, “Reba”, aired 2002-06.
• Rihanna – In a new black & white “Esquire” magazine video, she rubs dry dirt all over her face and naked body and pouts for the camera. It’s a promotional clip to accompany her first cover for the publication, due out later this year.
• Slash – He says Guns ‘n Roses refused permission for “Glee” (FOX) to do a GNR-themed episode.

STANDUP JOB:
The Silicon Valley’s newest status symbol is a humble piece of furniture. A growing number of workers at Google, Facebook, and other employers are trading in their sit-down desks for standing ones, saying they feel more comfortable and energized. They are also motivated by medical reports saying that sitting for too long leads to increased health risks. A so-called ‘standing desk’ sits high off the floor so a worker can either stand at it or sit on a high stool to use it. (If you haven’t tried standing to do your show, give it a go! Better breathing … less announcer ass.)
– “ Wall Street Journal”

RUBY RING VS PETER POINTER:
When it comes to finding a mate, it seems size does matter … the size of the ring finger, that is. University of Florida researchers have now linked the length of a man’s 4th finger to his sex drive. That’s because the more testosterone – the male sex hormone – that a male baby is exposed to in the womb, the longer his ring finger is likely to be. The study explains why men’s 4th fingers are usually longer than their index fingers, while for women it’s the other way around. Ring finger length has previously been linked to sperm count, aggressive behavior, sexual orientation, and sports prowess. (A new stat to consider for your football pool picks!)
– DailyMail.co.uk

THE SKY IS FALLING!
NASA’s Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, or UARS, ran out of fuel in 2005 and could land on any of 6 continents some time this month. It weighs 6 tons, it’s spinning out of control, and it’s about to return to Earth. NASA estimates there’s a 1-in-3,200 chance that pieces of the defunct satellite could hit someone when it plunges from orbit. It would be the first time in history anyone has been injured by space debris. The good news … most of the satellite will burn up during re-entry. The bad news … a hefty half-ton of metal will still plummet to the Earth’s surface. (So …. have a nice day.)
– “Daily Mail”

PRICEY PARKING:
In many city’s downtown areas, a scarcity of parking is driving demand into the stratosphere, even in cities where home prices are declining. In some buildings, parking costs are nearly on par – on a per-square-foot basis – with the apartments themselves. As prices continue to rise, some savvy luxury-condo owners are purchasing parking spots as investments. In extreme cases, out-of-the-ordinary parking facilities are actually driving up condo prices. A building in NYC’s Chelsea neighborhood, for instance, features an ‘En Suite Sky Garage’ … an elevator that brings your car right to your apartment. (Do you qualify for disabled parking if it’s costing you an arm and a leg?)
– “Globe & Mail”

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Annie Hawkins-Turner, aka ‘Norma Stitz’ (careful!), has the largest natural breasts in the world, measuring 102 ZZZ. She has 3.5 feet of cleavage, with each breast weighing in at 56 lbs.
– TheToiletPaper.com
• There are now more than 1 million security guards in the USA, patrolling shopping malls, power plants, public spaces, etc. That’s double the number who were doing that job pre-9/11.
– “Washington Post”

BS CHRONOMETER 09.12.11

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [80] George Jones, Saratoga TX, country music legend (“He Stopped Lovin’ Her Today”) with over 150 charted singles during his half-century career/Grammy Hall of Fame Award (1998)/Country Music Hall of Fame (1992)

1952 [59] Neil Peart, Hamilton ON, rock drummer (Rush-“One Little Victory”, “Test for Echo”)

1972 [39] Jason Statham, Chesterfield UK, movie actor (“The Expendables” movies, “The Transporter” films)

1973 [38] Paul Walker, Glendale CA, movie actor (“Fast & Furious” movies, “Flags of Our Fathers”)

1974 [37] Jennifer Nettles, Douglas GA, country singer (Sugarland-“It Happens”, “All I Want to Do”)

1980 [31] Yao Ming, Shanghai, China, retired basketball player (Houston Rockets 2002-11, Chinese Olympic team)/NBA’s tallest at 7’-6”/8-time NBA All-Star

1981 [30] Jennifer Hudson, Chicago IL, movie actress (“Sex & the City: The Movie”, Oscar-“Dreamgirls”)/pop singer (“American Idol 3” finalist)  COMING UP: Plays Winnie Mandela (former Mrs Nelson Mandela) in the upcoming biographical film “Winnie”, opening in December; serves as a celebrity guest judge on the UK version of “The X Factor”.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Boss/Employee Exchange Day”, to help employees and their bosses to appreciate each others’ point-of-view. (A good excuse to take the afternoon off and go golfing.)

• “Chocolate Milkshake Day”. The original recipe, which appeared in a British newspaper in 1885, called for a shot of whiskey.
NET: http://www.punchbowl.com/holidays/national-chocolate-milkshake-day

• “Day of Conception” (aka “Procreation Day”) in Ulyanovsk, a Russian region 900 km (540 mi) east of Moscow. It’s the 7th annual holiday that gives couples a half-day off work in order to go home and … make babies. The hope is for a slew of newborns exactly 9 months later on Russia’s National Day (June 12th). Couples who ‘give birth to a patriot’ can win prizes.

• “Harvest Moon” (peaks 5:27 am EDT), the full Moon that occurs closest to the autumn equinox. It gets its name because, at the peak of harvest, farmers can work late into the night by the light of this Moon.

• “Videogames Day”, a day for kids who love ‘em to celebrate and thank the parents who fork out the cash for an Xbox, PlayStation, or Wii.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1966 [45] “The Monkees” debuts on NBC-TV, featuring a hand-picked-for-TV group that lasts until 1969 and continues in re-runs for many years (selling 65 million records along the way)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
2003 [08] Music icon Johnny Cash dies at age 71 at Nashville’s Baptist Hospital, of heart failure due to complications from diabetes

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1994 [17] Mosaic Communications introduces ‘Netscape’, the 1st Internet browser (now evolved into Mosaic’s ‘Firefox’)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1983 [28] Albert Rizzo of Malta sets ‘World Treading Water Record’ at 108 hours, 9 minutes in
the ocean (that’s 4.5 days!)

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] International Chocolate Day
[Tues] Season debuts of “90210” (CW); “Parenthood” (NBC/Global); “Ringer” (CW/Global)
[Wed] Season debuts of “Survivor” (CBS); “Up All Night” (NBC); “Free Agents” (NBC); “America’s Next Top Model” (CW)
[Thurs] Greenpeace Day
[Thurs] International Day of Democracy

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Assisted Living Week / Balance Awareness Week / Habitat for Humanity Week / International Housekeepers Week / Line Dance Week / Popeye Week

BULL’S BITS

BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 18 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
MURPHY’S LAWS OF DRIVING:
• Trucks that overturn on the highway are always filled with something sticky.
• When you move to the next lane because it’s going faster, it becomes the slowest lane.
• The guy with a bumper sticker that says “If you can read this, you’re too close” always tailgates.
• No matter where you park your car, the sun will be radiating on the driver’s seat when you return.
• When you can fit in anywhere else, there will always room to merge behind a diesel bus.
• Your car horn will only get stuck when you drive behind a group of Hell’s Angels.
• If you try to change lanes to get off the ramp, the car in the lane to your right will speed up.
• The first bug to land on your windshield will splatter right in front of your eyes.
• When you leave the proper distance between you and the car ahead, someone will try to move into it.
• Your car will never malfunction in the presence of a mechanic.
– First published in “BS” 2002
NET: http://www.FreeRadioPrep.com

BS RANDOM JOKE:
You know school wasn’t your forté if the 5th grade is referred to as your ‘senior year’.

BS PHONE STARTER:
What’s in your self-storage unit? Row-upon-row of garage-sized storage units are springing up across the country by the thousands. What the heck do we need them for?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question: About half of women polled say they allow their men to do THIS on the weekend.
Answer: Watch 3 complete football games.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If you think you have no faults, that makes one.

SHEETERS WHO WILL PROSPER:
“BS” salutes returning subscribers Russell Mackenzie @ 105.3 The Giant [CKTG] Thunder Bay, Ontario (15 years); Les Askelson @ 104.7 The Viking [KVIK] Decorah, Iowa (17 years); Flex @ 97.9 The X [WXEF] Effingham, Illinois (17 years); Dan Brookens @ Real Classic Rock KFMC Fairmont, Minnesota (17 years); Rene Ross @ The Drive [CHDR] Cranbrook, British Columbia (19 years); and this week’s samplers who include Lenny Firth @ Life FM 107.9 Adelaide, South Australia; Kriya Gangiah @ Higveld Stereo, Gauteng, South Africa; Joe Haffner @ Joe Haffner LIVE, Kirksville, Missouri; Kylie @ D-Rock LIVE!, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania; Samantha Freese @ 91.9 Rock FM Johannesburg, South Africa; Matt Goiter @ All Hits K101 [KZMK] Sierra Vista, Arizona; Whitney Hooper @ K-Rock 105.5 [CKQK] Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island; and Ken Hesely @ Radio Free 102.3 [KJLH] Compton, California. Welcome all!


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