Tuesday, September 13, 2011        Edition: #4585
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

31-year-old TV actress Minka Kelly (the new “Charlie’s Angels”, debuting September 22nd) tells “Cosmopolitan” her late mom was ‘5 ft-11 with legs up to her ears and gorgeous’ but she was also an irresponsible parent who made her livelihood as a stripper (she died in 2008) . . . Newly-single singer/actress Jennifer Lopez has been spotted enjoying dinner in NYC with actor Bradley Cooper (“The Hangover” films), but a rep tells People.com that they were just talking business (as in ‘nobody’s business’) . . . TMZ.com is reporting that George Stephanopoulos could soon lose his “Good Morning America” (ABC) anchor chair to news reader Josh Elliott because – at 5’, 6” – George is too short for TV (don’t they have a phone book around that he could sit on?) . . . 32-year-old Elisabetta Canalis, movie star George Clooney’s ex who’s prepping for “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC),  tells Italian magazine “Chi” she sees the end of her relationships as a personal failure because she has an ‘unhealthy taste in guys’, always picking ‘cold & controlled men’ (ouch, was that a slam?) . . . Surprise, surprise: “Us Weekly’s” recent report claiming Prince William’s new wife Kate Middleton is pregnant with twins is being vehemently denied by an official spokesperson, but there’s no denial regarding triplets (see … that’s how these rumors get started) . . . And an obsessed fan of famous person Jessica Simpson is now selling a book on Amazon.com ($29.95) about their alleged affair – despite the fact they’ve never met – with the catchy title “The True Story of Jessica Ann Simpson’s 22-Month-Long Attempt to Seduce a Married Man – Her Very Active Super Secret Sex Life: True Story Jessica Simpson Seduction Of a Married Man – Volume 1” (it’s only 30 pages long, but about 4-and-half-feet wide).

• “All For the Hall” (Los Angeles) – Tonight’s 3rd annual Country Music Hall of Fame fundraiser at Club Nokia features performances by Emmylou Harris, Sheryl Crow, Vince Gill, and Zac Brown in a ‘guitar pull’ format.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Givers (“In Light”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Grace Potter (“Grace Potter & The Nocturnals”); Lykke Li (“Wounded Rhymes”); School of Seven Bells (“Disconnect From Desire”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Girls (“Father, Son, Holy Ghost”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Lady Antebellum (“Own the Night”). Rerun.
• “90210” (CW) – In the season 4 premiere, the gang from Beverly Hills has graduated from high school.
• “Parenthood” (NBC) – In the season premiere, ‘Sarah’ celebrates her 40th and ‘Amber’ gets her first apartment.
• “Ringer” (CW) – Series premiere introduces ‘Bridget Kelly’ (Sarah Michelle Gellar), the sole witness to a murder, and her wealthy, pampered identical twin (also Sarah Michelle Gellar).
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Stevie Nicks (“In Your Dreams”).
• “Today Show” (NBC) – Lady Antebellum (“Own the Night, released today, on which they wrote 10 of the 12 songs).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Cobra Starship (“Night Shades”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Kristin Chenoweth (“Some Lessons Learned”).

• Blondie – Today’s the release date for “Panic Of Girls”, the legendary group’s 1st album since 2003. They’re currently touring in support of it, tonight playing NYC’s Highline Ballroom.
• Bush – Today Gavin Rossdale officially brings his former band back to life with the release of “The Sea of Memories”, their 1st album since 2002. In support of the album, they kick off a new leg of North American touring tonight in Billings, Montana.
• “Grey’s Anatomy Original Soundtrack Volume 4” – Cee Lo Green, Lykke Li, The National, Peter Bjorn & John, and Scars On 45 are among the acts on this 4th soundtrack, out today. “Grey’s” has consistently been one of TV’s leading shows for exposing new music.
• Jimi Hendrix – Today Experience Hendrix LLC is releasing 4 new titles representing the 4th wave of releases in the Jimi Hendrix catalogue project. The new material includes “Hendrix In the West” (out of issue since 1974), “Winterland” (4-disc box set), “Blue Wild Angel: Jimi Hendrix Live At the Isle Of Wight” (DVD), and “Jimi Hendrix: The Dick Cavett Show” (DVD).
• Kenny Chesney – He’s written the new song “Rise Up” as the theme for ESPN’s new reality TV series of the same name which debuts tonight. The show, which upgrades athletic facilities in needy high schools, first helps out a school in Wellston, Ohio.
• Pitbull – He’s settled a paternity lawsuit with former girlfriend Barbara Alba, agreeing to increase the $3,000-a-month he’s been paying in child support payments for their 9-year-old daughter. The unannounced new figure was reached out of court.
• Staind – Today their self-titled 7th album is released. A deluxe edition includes video footage of the entire recording process. Frontman Aaron Lewis says it’s not very flattering but it’s what really happened. Drummer Jon Wysocki left the group after the sessions.
• The Who – Frontman Roger Daltrey is taking their landmark rock opera “Tommy” on a 6-week North American tour beginning tonight in Hollywood, Florida. He’s performing the album in its entirety, using visuals to accompany the music. Guitarist Pete Townshend is not part of the tour, but has given the project his blessing.

• “Hesher” ( R-Rated Dramedy ): Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Natalie Portman, and Rainn Wilson star in this dark fairytale about an eccentric, unhinged drifter who appears out of nowhere to help a struggling family deal with loss in the most unconventional ways.
• “Love, Wedding, Marriage” ( PG-13 Romantic Comedy ): Mandy Moore plays a marriage counselor who discovers her parents (James Brolin, Jane Seymour) are headed for divorce. Her plan to save their marriage just may ruin her own. Kellan Lutz (“Twilight Saga”) co-stars.
• “The Tempest” ( PG-13 Drama ): Director Julie Taymor’s version of Shakespeare’s play features Helen Mirren as ‘Prospera’, the Duchess of Milan who is exiled to a remote island where she encounters a new enemy, ‘Caliban’ (Djimon Hounsou), a rebellious slave.
• “Thor” ( PG-13 Action Adventure ): Based on the Marvel comic, Chris Hemsworth plays the Asgardian warrior who is exiled to Earth, where he learns heroism and humility. Co-stars Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins, Rene Russo. Directed by Kenneth Branagh (“Hamlet”, “Henry V”).
• Also released today: “Big Bang Theory: The Complete 4th Season” (TV); “Blue Bloods: The 1st Season” (TV); “Glee: The Complete 2nd Season” (TV); “The Good Wife: The 2nd Season” (TV); “Grey’s Anatomy: The Complete 7th Season” (TV); “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Season 6” (TV); “Never Back Down 2: The Beatdown” (MMA Action); “Private Practice: The Complete 4th Season” (TV); “Rescue Me: The 6th Season & Final Season” (TV); and “Supernatural: The Complete 6th Season” (TV).

He thunders around Buenos Aires on a Harley-Davidson and likes nothing better than strapping on a Fender Telecaster guitar to jam with famous musicians. Despite appearances, however, Amado Boudou is Argentina’s 47-year-old Economy Minister and looks set to be voted the country’s first rock & roll vice-president in the general election this October. Boudou says rock helps him to communicate directly with the people because rock doesn’t lie, and people are fed up with lying politicians. (Can we import this guy?)
– “The Guardian”

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 92% of people 12+ are aware of Twitter, but only 8% have ever used it.
• 80% of Facebook users disclose their gender, but less than 1% share their home address.
• 49% of us have hung up on someone in order to take another phone call.
• 43% of survey respondents say they’d opt for bacon over sex.
• 30% of couples argue about time spent on the Internet on a regular basis.
• 5% of school-age children really dislike school and avoid it whenever they can.

Yesterday’s news could be tomorrow’s fuel! Tulane University scientists have discovered a strain of bacteria, dubbed ‘TU-103’, that can devour old newspapers and produce butanol, a substitute for gasoline. Old editions of the “New Orleans Times-Picayune” have been successfully used by the researchers to produce butanol from the cellulose in the newspaper. TU-103 is the first bacterial strain found in nature (not genetically engineered) to produce butanol in this manner. (They were considering using London’s defunct “News Of the World” but it was too toxic.)
– “Discovery News”

• Going from an ‘A’ to an ‘F’ is bad in school but in this case … it’s pretty awesome! Now single after losing her husband to a long-term illness, 65-year-old great-grandmother Joan Lloyd of Abergele, North Wales has decided to up her ante on the dating scene by opting for a massive breast augmentation. (Another advantage of dating her … you save bucks thanks to her senior’s discount.)
• Here’s another reason kids are getting fatter. Some South Florida elementary schools are making students watch fitness videos every morning … but they aren’t required to do the exercises. If that seems dumb, consider this … other schools are now categorizing recess as ‘physical education’ even though kids don’t have to participate in any activities. (At lunchtime, they watch movies about healthy foods.)
– “Sun-Sentinel”
• They should have suspected something when he nailed his socks up! A British private security firm has sacked 2 of its personnel after it was discovered they attached an electronic security anklet onto an offender’s false leg. The 29-year-old apparently disguised his prosthetic limb in order to fool the guards. After being cuffed, he simply removed his leg – and the security tag – whenever he wanted to breach his court-imposed curfew. (‘Tippy’ has since been arrested and properly confined.)
– “The Telegraph”
• It’s another battle of bull run! A Pamplona, Spain-style running of the bulls is being considered for the Phoenix, Arizona suburb of Cave Creek. In order to avoid liability, the town has decided not to sanction the event, but that doesn’t prevent it from going ahead. The spectacle is slated for October and will use rodeo bulls instead of fighting bulls. (What could possible go wrong?)
– “Arizona Republic”

Lack of sleep leads to sugar cravings.
– CNN.com


1964 [47] Tavis Smiley, Gulfport MS, TV personality (“Tavis Smiley” on PBS since 2004, “BET Tonight with Tavis Smiley” 1996-2001)/radio personality (“Tavis Smiley Show” on PRI)

1967 [44] Stephen Perkins, LA CA, alt-rock drummer (Jane’s Addiction-“Irresistible Force”, “Been Caught Stealing”)

1969 [42] Tyler Perry, New Orleans LA, movie actor/director (“Why Did I Get Married?” films, “Madea” movies)/TV producer (“Meet the Browns”, “Tyler Perry’s House of Payne”)

1971 [40] Stella McCartney, London UK, fashion designer (Gucci, Chloe, CARE)/Paul & Linda McCartney’s daughter/PETA advocate

1975 [36] Joe Don Rooney, Baxter Springs KS, country guitarist (Rascal Flatts-“Why Wait”, “Bless the Broken Road”)

1977 [34] Fiona Apple (McAfee), NYC, one-hit-wonder pop singer (“Criminal”)

• “Fortune Cookie Day”, celebrating the creation of the tasty little treats with a slip of paper inside that brings you good luck, a whimsical saying, or a philosophical thought. It’s fairly clear that the fortune cookie did not originate in China. It was likely invented in San Francisco, California around 1914.

• “International Chocolate Day”, celebrating ‘the greatest substance known to humanity’! It’s a day for indulgence that should be free of guilt (until you get on the scales tomorrow morning).

• “Peanut Day”. Peanuts are not really nuts at all but legumes (edible seeds enclosed in pods). As a group, legumes provide the best source of concentrated protein in the plant kingdom.

• “Positive Thinking Day”. It’s all about attitude … a positive attitude.

1976 [35] Jim Henson’s “The Muppet Show” debuts on ABC-TV, hosted by ‘Kermit the Frog’ of “Sesame Street” (show lasts 5 seasons and airs in 100 countries)

2004 [07] TV talk-show host Oprah Winfrey gives a brand-new Pontiac G-6 sedan, worth $28,500, to everyone in her studio audience (a total of 276 cars)

2008 [03] Writer/performer Tina Fey returns to “Saturday Night Live” (NBC) to portray Sarah Palin opposite Amy Poehler’s Hillary Clinton (leads to a series of Palin portrayals)

1996 [15] Rapper Tupac Shakur dies at age 25 in a Las Vegas hospital, 6 days after a drive-by shooting

2001 [10] 1st time most of us hear the name ‘Osama Bin Laden’ as he’s fingered by the US government as mastermind behind the 9/11 terrorist attacks

1922 [89] Maximum outdoor shade temperature ever recorded (58 C/136 F at Al’azizyah, Libya)

[Wed] Season debuts of “Survivor” (CBS); “Up All Night” (NBC); “Free Agents” (NBC); “America’s Next Top Model” (CW)
[Thurs] Greenpeace Day
[Thurs] International Day of Democracy
[Fri] International Day For the Preservation Of the Ozone Layer
[Fri] POW/MIA Recognition Day
[Fri] Stepfamily Day
[Fri] “Star Wars: the Complete Saga” released on Blu-ray
This Week Is … Balance Awareness Week
This Month Is … Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Month


The new TV season is underway with a slew of new (and increasingly lame) reality shows making their debut. These didn’t quite make the cut …
• “The 7/11 Security Camera Show”
• “At Home in Proctor & Gamble’s Animal Labs”
• “Survivor: Rikers Island”
• “America’s Funniest Amateur Amputations”
• “This Old Mobile House”
• “Wildest Shopping Cart Accidents”
• “The Kardashians Actually Do Something!”
• “Fishing for Tires”
• “The All You Can Eat Buffet Family Challenge”
• “Geriatric Jackass” (BS FACTOID: A show with oldsters pulling pranks actually exists in Belgium. It’s called “Benidorm Bastards”.)
– Adapted from Chickenhead.com

Just hired an Eastern European maid. It took her 5 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she’s a Slovak.

‘Fess up! Do you kiss up to your child’s teacher? What is it you hope for … better marks, more attentiveness, a chance to get lucky?

Question: THIS can harbor up to 516,000 bacteria per square inch.
Answer: Your armpit.

It’s true, money talks! Mine keeps saying goodbye.

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