Thursday, September 16, 2010        Edition: #4344
Sheet Happens!

Casey Affleck has quietly settled those 2 sexual harassment cases filed by female crew members on his Joaquin Phoenix documentary “I’m Still Here”, his legal team saying only ‘the disputes have been resolved to the mutual satisfaction of the parties’ (BS translation: We found the right figure and paid them off) . . . Turns out Oprah Winfrey isn’t paying for those all-inclusive vacations in Sydney, Australia she awarded 300 fans on her show’s season opener Monday – the state of New South Wales and Australia’s Tourism Department will be picking up the $2.7-million tab (this is how you get mega-rich – Other People’s Money) . . . Barack Obama will release a children’s book he wrote before taking office in January 2009 that was inspired by his daughters and pays tribute to 13 influential Americans (to be published 2 weeks after the mid-term elections in November) . . . $12-million judge Jennifer Lopez is apparently set to begin work on “American Idol” next week at the auditions (don’t worry , J-Lo haters – she’s only under contract for 1 season) . . . Everybody’s favorite trainwreck Lindsay Lohan is said to be in negotiations to host “Saturday Night Live” on December 4th (think she’ll actually show up?) . . . Actress Jennifer Grey has invited the widow her late “Dirty Dancing” co-star, Patrick Swayze, to sit in her cheering section on ABC-TV’s “Dancing With the Stars” (“Look at me, look at me – I’m still alive and I’m dancing!!!”) . . . 20-year-old “Twilight Saga” star Kristen Stewart tells “Daily Telegraph” she hasn’t changed much since kindergarten (then she unrolled her little blankie and laid it out for a nap) . . . And “Desperate Housewives” actress Eva Longoria and a bunch of other A-listers have teamed up for ‘TwitChange’ (NET:, a charity auction in which Twitter users can bid to be followed by their favorite celebrity on Twitter and ‘retweeted’ (now you can bore the crap out of THEM with your mindless drivel – payback!).

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Mike Posner (“31 Minutes to Takeoff”).
• “Jersey Shore” (MTV) – Vinny’s family visits. (“Quick! Everybody puts some clothes on!”)
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Usher (“Versus”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/Omni) – Actor-turned-rapper Joaquin Phoenix makes a complete ass of himself in this rerun from 2/11/09. (He’ll try to redeem himself next week.)
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Devo (“Something for Everybody”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Santana w/India.Arie (“Guitar Heaven: The Greatest Guitar Classics of All Time”).

• Alice In Chains – Tonight their “BlackDiamondSkye” tour, with Deftones and Mastodon, kicks off in Chicago IL.
• Bob Marley – His family has lost a legal battle over copyrights to 5 mid-’70s albums released by Island Records. A NYC judge has ruled in favor of Universal Music Group in the case.
• Kid Rock – Today the civil trial over fisticuffs between his entourage and a fellow diner at an Atlanta GA Waffle House back in 2007 is expected to wrap up. He already served 80 hours community service in 2008 after pleading guilty to misdemeanor battery. Now he’s facing financial repercussions from the civil suit filed by the man who claims he was beaten up.

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “Anchorman 2” – Christina Applegate says the entire cast of the 2004 comedy “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy” is up for a sequel but the problem is funding. Co-star Will Ferrell recently urged fans to join a write-in campaign, which Paramount Pictures has acknowledged.
• “Drive” – Shooting is just underway on this crime thriller based on the James Sallis novel. Ryan Gosling stars as a Hollywood stunt driver who moonlights as a getaway driver for bank robbers. Carey Mulligan (“Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps”) & Christina Hendricks (“Mad Men”) co-star.
• “Friends With Benefits” – Justin Timberlake is currently shooting this romantic comedy opposite Mila Kunis. Director Will Gluck says by the time the film’s released in 2011, Timberlake will have silenced all those who doubt his acting ability. Um, remember “The Love Guru”?
• “Rampart” – This upcoming crime drama follows a cop’s attempts to find redemption after he gets caught up in corruption within the LAPD. The cast includes Anne Heche, Cynthia Nixon, Ice Cube, Sigourney Weaver, Steve Buscemi, and Woody Harrelson. It’s due out next August.
• “The Reasonable Bunch” – Shooting is underway on this comedy about a group of warring exes and battling relatives at a family wedding. The ensemble comedy features Demi Moore, Ellen Burstyn, Kate Bosworth, Martin Landau, and Thomas Haden Church.

Usually, people will do anything to get out of jail, but with prison tourism on the rise, folks are now paying to get in. Defunct prisons all over the world have found a second life by operating as tourist attractions, museums, and even hostels, offering everything from spooky evening tours by candlelight to the chance to stay overnight in a cell. And, of course, a gift shop. (Don’t forget that souvenir shiv for your grandma!)

• A judge has just ruled that a former Fort Madison, Iowa cop is entitled to unemployment benefits, even though he was fired for … sleeping with the police chief’s wife.
• A  26-year-old woman has been charged with committing an obscene act after a mother complained that the way she was applying suntan lotion was ‘troubling’ to her sons, aged 12 and 14. The alleged offense took place on a beach in Anzio, Italy … a nude beach.
– “Daily Mail”
• A Covington, Louisiana cab driver is in shock after a woman tried to entice him to drive her all the way home to Michigan … by stripping in the back seat. When he refused, she stole his cab.
• Cops responding to frantic reports of a man with a gun in a Portland, Oregon store managed to apprehend the suspect with no probs, but it turned out he was a sales clerk … in a gun store.

A company called ‘Marriage In The Sky’ says it’s been inundated with couples wanting to fling themselves off the end of the aisle … on a bungee cord. Participants, including guests and musicians, are lifted by crane to a platform 160 ft in the air for the ceremony. After the vows, the newlyweds make it official by bungee-jumping over the side. The nutty nuptials don’t have to end there. Guests can head skywards again for a floating reception where they are strapped into dining chairs for a 3-course meal. The cost for such a spectacular? Around $40,000.

You’ve likely heard inmates bang out vehicle licence plates in many prisons around-the-world. But did you know these products are also often produced by the incarcerated?
• Household & Office Furniture.
• Ladies’ Undergarments.
• Brooms & Brushes.
• Prescription Eyeglasses.
• Dentures.
• Kevlar Bulletproof Vests.
Oh, and next time you’re connected to a call center, you might be talking to a con … literally.

Remember the miners in Chile that were trapped underground on August 5th? They’re still down there. Rescue workers continue to dig toward them while sending essential supplies down a 3.19-inch hole. Among the many items that have been sent down and up this tiny access space: Food, water, an iPod, toothbrushes & toothpaste, razors, a tiny projector for entertainment, blood & urine samples, vitamins, and … football jerseys from Chile’s national team. (What would you ask to be transported to you through a 3-inch tube?)
– “Newsweek”

• You’re Not Sleeping Enough – People who are sleep-deprived tend to have more secretions of the hormone cortisol which, among other things, triggers fat storage.
• You Eat Out Too Often – People who dine out a lot tend to eat less-healthy food and to be heavier.
• You Overindulge on Weekends – Researchers have found we eat markedly more on weekends, particularly on Saturdays, when we tend to consume more fat and alcohol.
• Your Food Portions Are Too Large – It’s simple: Eat less and you’ll lose weight. Use a smaller plate for your meals. Less space on the plate means automatic portion control.
• You’re Drinking Extra Calories – Many recent studies indicate that consumption of sugary drinks is playing a key role in the obesity epidemic currently afflicting the population.
– Condensed from “Best Health Magazine”

Violent videogames like “Call of Duty” can help trigger-happy players make decisions faster in real life, according to a newly-released University of Rochester study. Researchers have found that first-person shooter games produce a heightened sensitivity and lead to more efficient use of sensory evidence. These benefits stem only from action games, they say, which almost always means shooter games. Strategy or role-playing games don’t have the same effect. (Meaning those 6 hours-a-day of onscreen solitaire aren’t doing squat for you.)
– Reuters

BBC-TV celebrity chef Martin Blunos has created what’s no doubt the ‘World’s Most Expensive Cheese Sandwich’. It’s made from sourdough bread, West Country Farmhouse Cheddar, and a special white truffle blend, which gives the sandwich its hefty price tag. That’s all dressed with 100-year-old balsamic vinegar and edible gold leaf. Sound good? It’ll set you back $178.
– MailOnline

Australian scientists have discovered that bats develop different dialects, depending on where they live. (“I say, seen any skitters, mate?”)
– “Globe & Mail”


1925 [85] (Riley) BB King, Itta Bena MS, blues legend (“The Thrill is Gone”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1987)

1948 [62] Ron Blair, San Diego CA, classic rock bassist (Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers-“Learning to Fly”, “Runnin’ Down a Dream”)

1956 [54] Mickey Rourke, Schenectady NY, movie actor (“The Expendables”, “The Wrestler”)  UP NEXT: “Passion Play”, recently premiered at the Toronto International Film Festival.

1968 [42] Marc Anthony (Marco Antonio Muniz), NYC, pop singer (“I Need to Know”)/Mr J-Lo since 2004

1971 [39] Amy Poehler, Burlington MA, TV comic (“Parks & Recreation” since 2009, “Saturday Night Live” 2001-08)/movie actress (“Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel”, “Baby Mama”)

1981 [29] Alexis Bledel, Houston TX, movie actress (“Sisterhood Of the Traveling Pants” movies)/TV actress (“Gilmore Girls” 2000-07)

1992 [18] Nick Jonas, Dallas TX, teen idol pop singer (Jonas Bros-“Burnin’ Up”)/TV actor (“Camp Rock” films)/younger sibling of Kevin & Joe

• “Collect Rocks Day”, a celebration of the hobby of gem & mineral collecting.

• “Independence Day” in Mexico (“El Grito de Independencia”), celebrating the declaration of independence from Spain in 1810. Today marks the country’s bicentennial. Fiesta!

• “International Day for Preservation Of the Ozone Layer”, as first declared by the UN in 1994.

• “Malaysia Day”, commemorating the establishment of the Malaysian Federation on this date in 1963. This year, for the first time, it’s a federal public holiday.

• “Stepfamily Day, celebrated annually on September 16th. It’s estimated that 1-in-3 of us is in a stepfamily at some point. Some now like to refer to these as ‘blended’ families.

• “Working Parents Day”. Isn’t parenting work in itself?

2009 [01] Reports say President Barack Obama has called Kanye West a ‘jackass’ in an off-the-record comment (referring to Kanye’s infamous interruption of Taylor Swift at the “MTV Video Music Awards”)

1979 [31] Sugar Hill Gang’s “Rapper’s Delight” is released, cited by many as the 1st rap recording

1955 [55] Modeling clay ‘Play-Doh’ is 1st introduced

1994 [16] ‘World’s Largest Burrito’ is made in Montebello CA, measuring 3,055-feet-long & weighing 3,960 lbs (later causes ‘World’s Largest Epidemic of Heartburn’)

[Fri] POW-MIA Recognition Day
[Fri] Yom Kippur (Jewish)
[Fri] “Alpha & Omega”; “Devil”; “Easy A”; “The Town” open in movie theaters
[Sat] Responsible Dog Ownership Day
[Sun] Talk Like a Pirate Day
[Sun] Wife Appreciation Day
This Week Is … Farm Animal Awareness Week (take a whiff!)
This Month Is … Organic Harvest Month (hey, stay away from my kidneys!)


• Only park beside really expensive, unlocked cars.
• Personalized license plate that reads: ‘BAIT-CAR’.
• Leave partially inflated Amy Winehouse doll hunched over steering wheel.
• Steal your neighbor’s ‘Property Protected by ADT Security’ sign; duct-tape it to your bumper.
• Whenever car is hot-wired, sound system begins blasting Michael Bolton tunes.
• Drive a Kia.

What little everyday annoyance really gets you steamed? (A recent poll is topped by ‘hidden fees’, second only to ‘waiting on hold for a customer representative’.)

• Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean morality comes from morons?
• How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
• What’s the ‘shelf life’ of a shelf?
• How come when married couples separate, they blame the very qualities that attracted them to each other in the first place?

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

Today’s Question: If you never do THIS you will spend about $380,000 extra over your lifetime on the basics of life.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Get married. (

Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.

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