Monday, September 20, 2010        Edition: #4346
Sheet, Featuring Bull

• 42-year-old one-hit-wonder Vanilla Ice (1990’s “Ice Ice Baby”) is getting his own reality TV show, “The Vanilla Ice Project”, which follows his efforts to renovate his 7,000-square-foot house in Palm Beach, Florida, which he’s already been working on … for 13 years. Explaining the venture, he says: “You know, it’s not ‘pimp this house’. I don’t do it that way. I do it with professionalism.” (BS translation: It’s ‘pimp this house’.)
• TV chef Jamie Oliver & wife Jools have increased their odds of winning the award for ‘Most Cruelly-Named Kids’ by dubbing their brand new son ‘Buddy Bear Maurice Oliver’. The poor always-to-beaten-in-the-schoolyard lad joins 3 sisters with equally malicious monikers: ‘Poppy Honey’, ‘Daisy Boo’, and – OMG – ‘Petal Blossom Rainbow’. (You can bet they’ll be calling their parents some really inventive names when they get older.)
• Oprah Winfrey and author Jonathan Franzen appear to be BFFs now. Friday she chose his new novel “Freedom” as her show’s final book club selection. She and Franzen had an extended feud starting in 2001 after she selected his book “The Corrections” for her book club but he refused to appear on the show as most other authors have over the years, citing ambivalence about her endorsement. (We’re guessing the 4 zillion percent increase in sales helped change his mind.)
• Actor Josh Duhamel (“Transformers”) says he only agreed to strip to his underwear on the promo poster for his new movie “Life as We Know It” (opening October 8th) if his right calf was computer-enhanced. It seems he ruptured his Achilles tendon 6 years ago and the leg muscle weakened during recovery. For some reason it never grew back, so his one calf is about half the size of the other. (Seems Fergie’s sleeping with a ‘chicken leg’.)
• The CGI team working on the sci-fi movie “TRON: Legacy”, sequel to the 1982 cult film “TRON”, has reportedly had to scrap some of the last 4 months’ of work. The December 17th release date now looks tentative. (Perhaps it’s all to do with re-editing 60-year old Jeff Bridges to look a little leaner … he was just 32 when he made the original.)
• And Kim Kardashian claims she’s been violated by an inflatable sex doll … one that looks suspiciously like her. It’s all about the new ‘Kinky Kim Filthy Love Doll’, described on the box as a ‘busty bubble-butt bimbo’. For some reason Kim thinks that might refer to her so she’s instructed her lawyer to fire off a strongly worded letter to distributor Pipedream Products, demanding they stop production before she opens up a big, fat can of lawsuit. (Lady Gaga’s reps have also threatened legal action over a similar Gaga-style doll.)

• ACM Honors (Nashville) – Lee Ann Womack hosts the 4th annual ceremony for ‘special honorees’ (the ones who don’t get on TV) at the Ryman Auditorium, including Keith Urban who receives the ‘Jim Reeves International Award’; and the movie “Crazy Heart”, which wins the ‘Tex Ritter Award’ for country music-related films.
• “Chase” (NBC) – Series premiere of new drama about a team that tracks down fugitive criminals.
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – 11th season debut. Celebs participating include singer Michael Bolton; comedian Margaret Cho; reality TV’s Audrina Patridge and Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino; has-been actors David Hasselhoff and Florence Henderson; retired athletes Kurt Warner and Rick Fox; and unwed mother Bristol Palin. Word has it Sarah Palin will be in the audience to cheer on her daughter. According to Vegas odds, pop singer Brandy is the early favorite at 3:1, followed by actress Jennifer Grey (“Dirty Dancing”) at 7:2.
• “The Event” (NBC) – Series debut of much-promoted new government conspiracy drama.
• “Hawaii Five-O” (CBS/Global) – Series premiere of the remake of the Honolulu cop series that originally ran 1968-80.
• “House” (FOX/Global) – 7th season premiere for the medical series starring Hugh Laurie.
• “Lone Star” (FOX/Global) – Series premiere of a new drama about a Texas oil man (newcomer James Wolk) who lives a double life.
• San Sebastian International Film Festival (San Sebastian, Spain) – Actress Julia Roberts is honored with the ‘Donostia Award’ for career achievement. (One way to get stars to show up at your fest – give ‘em a trophy).

• Jimi Hendrix – 40 years ago this past Saturday, he died at the Samarkand Hotel in London. To mark the event, the Cumberland Hotel has thought it tasteful to unveil a ‘Hendrix Suite’.
• Lady Antebellum – Tonight they kick off their fist-ever headlining tour in Orlando FL. David Nail is the opening act for the 35-city trek.
• TI – A federal judge has issued a summons for him to appear in court for parole violations. He & his wife were arrested earlier this month for felony possession of a controlled substance. As he’s still on probation for his 2009 weapons conviction that could mean more prison time.

A few odd ways that are used to measure some odd things …
• ‘Bortle Dark-Sky Scale’ – A 9-level numeric scale that measures the night sky’s darkness and therefore the ability to see stars. Class 1: The darkest skies on Earth; Class 9: Inner-city skies.
• ‘Hamilton-Norwood scale’ – Measures male pattern baldness ranging from ‘Stage I’ (starting to lose it) to ‘Stage VII’ (bald as a billiard ball).
• ‘Kinsey Scale’ – Attempts to describe a person’s sexual history using a scale from ‘0’, meaning exclusively heterosexual, to ‘6’, meaning exclusively homosexual. A ‘3’ would be bi.
• ‘Pyruvate Scale’ – Measures pungency in onions and garlic. A standard cooking onion has an ‘8’ rating; anything less than a ‘5’ is considered a ‘sweet’ onion.
• ‘Ulmer Scale’ – Created by entertainment journalist James Ulmer, it’s a 100-point scale measuring a star’s value to a movie, in terms of getting it financed and the cameras rolling.

It’s bound to happen, right? We’re all going to end up as crusty, irascible, cantankerous old people full of stubborn ideas. Wrong! The long-term Baltimore Longitudinal Study of Aging finds that growing old does not affect personality. Researchers have now scientifically shown that seniors who are cranky, depressed, or grouchy were pretty much jerks to begin with! (Oh yeah? Who’s ever heard of a 21-year-old curmudgeon?)
– “Social Studies”

Park officials in China have found a way to stop people from hogging their benches for too long – by fitting steel spikes on a coin-operated timer. If visitors at the Yantai Park in Shandong province, eastern China, linger too long without feeding the meter, dozens of sharp spikes shoot through the seat. The spikes are too short to cause any serious harm, but long enough to prevent people from sitting on them comfortably. Park bosses got the idea from an art installation in Germany where sculptor Fabian Brunsing created a similar bench as a protest against the commercialization of modern life. (What a pain in the butt!)
– Orange News

Useful tips to make everyday life easier …
• Put your clothes in the closet with the hangars reversed once a year. As you pull clothes out to wear, reverse the hangar again. Every year give away the clothes that you never wore (hangars in original position).
• If you want to turn a warm beer into an ice cold beer in 3 minutes flat, put it in a pot and cover with ice. Add 2 cups of salt and fill with water.
• Get a free phone charger by going to a large hotel and telling them you think you left yours there. As chargers are the #1 item left behind in hotels, they’re likely to have a large lost & found box loaded with just about any kind you could need.
• Get free air at some service stations by pressing the button on the side of the pump 3 times. No coins required!
• Cure ‘brain freeze’ (from ice cream, for instance) quickly by pushing your tongue against the roof of your mouth. It also makes the urge to sneeze go away.
• If your lock is frozen, squirt hand sanitizer into it. With its heavy alcohol content, it can break down ice.
• To go directly to your floor in an elevator, simply press the desired floor button and the ‘close door’ button at the same time. It should work even if other numbers have been pressed.

A 10-year study of sea life has revealed just what lives beneath the waves. The undersea inventory has found that the distribution and diversity of marine life varies greatly across regions. The richest waters for marine life are around Australia and Japan, each featuring almost 33,000 known species. On average, crustaceans (crabs, lobsters, shrimp, etc) are the biggest group populating the seas, making up around 20% of sea life; followed by mollusks (clams, mussels, squid, etc) at 17%; and fish (tuna, cod, salmon) at 12%. Algae & plant life and one-cell organisms make up about 10% each. (Plastic water bottles make up around 79%.)

Contrary to popular belief, the ups and downs of romantic relationships have a greater effect on young men than women, according to a Wake Forest University study. Even though guys try to put on a tough face, unhappy romances take a greater emotional toll on them. It’s thought that may be because romantic partners are often the primary source of intimacy for young men, whereas young women are more likely to have close relationships with family and friends as well. The genders also differ in how they handle the emotional distress of a break-up. Women tend to react with depression, while men express emotional distress with substance abuse. (“There’s a tear in my beer ‘cause I’m cryin’ for you dear …”)

• Each ‘star’ on “Dancing With the Stars” makes $125,000 for agreeing to be on the show and dancing in the first 2 episodes. They then earn money on a per-episode basis, ranging from $10,000 for weeks 3 and 4 to $50,000 for the final 2 episodes.
• “Playboy” magazine’s original name was ‘Stag Party’ and instead of a rabbit, its mascot was a buck. Hugh Hefner changed the name after the name was challenged in a trademark infringement case.


1934 [76] Sophia Loren (Scicolone), Rome, Italy, movie star (“Nine”, 1962 Academy Award-“Two Women”, 1991 Honorary Career Achievement Oscar)

1978 [32] Jason Bay, Trail BC, MLB baseball player (NY Mets outfielder out for the season on IR)

1979 [31] Rick Woolstenhulme, Gilbert AZ, rock drummer (Lifehouse-“You & Me”, “Hanging By a Moment”)

• “International Student Day”, honoring the ‘diligence & hard work’ of students everywhere (snort!). And so we offer the following public service to the dedicated students of the world:
– Your guidance counselor gives you a list of career choices … on a matchbook.
– Grandma starts affectionately calling you ‘Li’l Flunky’.
– You miss a lot of classes to appear in police lineups.
– Your rebuttal in the first round of the debate tournament is “You’ve convinced me!”.
– They’re giving you an ‘incomplete’ in shop until you find the teacher’s favorite thumb.
– Instead of a cap & gown, they’re fitting you for a McDonald’s hairnet.
– It’s nearly October and you still haven’t found your home room.

1946 [64] “Cannes Film Festival” debuts on the French Riviera (world’s top-ranked, ahead of Toronto)

2006 [04] A memorial for late “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin is held at the Australia Zoo in Brisbane (3,000 tickets are snapped up in 15 minutes)

2005 [05] JD Fortune is named the new lead singer for INXS on “Rock Star: INXS” (CBS), likely in part due to his penning of their subsequent hit, “Pretty Vegas”

1921 [89] First ‘Radio Newscast’ airs (KDKA Pittsburgh PA)

1998 [12] In a surgical first, doctors in Lyon, France sew a donor’s hand onto a man whose own had been amputated in an accident 14 years previously (“Mon dieu, I can clap again!”)

[Tues] International Day of Peace
[Tues] World’s Alzheimer’s Day
[Tues] “Glee” season debut (FOX/Global)
[Wed] “American Idol” judging panel revealed
[Wed] Business Women’s Day
[Thurs] 1st Day of Fall

Adult Immunization Awareness Week / Build A Better Image Week / Child Passenger Safety Week / Clean Hands Week / Deaf Awareness Week / Farm & Ranch Safety Week / Food Service Workers Week / Pollution Prevention Week / Prostate Cancer Awareness Week / Rehabilitation Awareness Celebration / Religious Freedom Week / Roller Skating Week / Singles Week / Tolkien Week


A highlight bit culled from 17 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you’ve had enough.
• If what you want is buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

What do imprisoned pop singer George Michael and the trapped Chilean miners have in common? Both will be free after 8 weeks of heavy drilling.

Is it better to be overdressed or underdressed at work? At a party? At a wedding?

• Which was the screwdriver first used for?
a. Surgical Probe.
b. Gardening Tool.
c. Installing medieval knights’ armor. [CORRECT]

• You really need more fiber. Which is the best source?
a. Figs. [CORRECT. Figs have the highest dietary fiber content of any common fruit, nut, or vegetable.]
b. Apples.
c. Bark & twigs.

Today’s Question: People who do THIS when they walk into a store tend to spend more money.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Walk around the store counter-clockwise. No one knows why. (“Psychology Today”).

An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh.

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