Thursday, September 20, 2012    Edition: #4834

Another Sheetload of Bull!

Famous felon Lindsay Lohan has been arrested yet again, this time for hit-and-run after clipping a pedestrian yesterday with her Porsche Cayenne in lower Manhattan then leaving the scene of the accident (why do the likes of her and Amanda Bynes insist on driving?) . . . Speaking of Bynes, her parents have now moved to California to ‘look after her’, and are reportedly considering selling their home in Cedar Park, Texas (kind of embarrassing when you’re 26, no?) . . . Author Stephen King has revealed “Doctor Sleep”, his long-awaited sequel to “The Shining”, will be published in September 2013 (the 1977 novel became a movie classic starring Jack Nicholson) . . . Newlyweds Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds may have pulled a fast one, staging a ‘wedding’ in South Carolina on September 9th just for show so they could actually wed last Friday when no one was looking (according to “Us Magazine”, their official marriage date is listed as September 14th) . . . Actor Dennis Quaid is being sued by a 70-year-old who claims he was given permission to ride his horse along a trail on the actor’s California estate, then was subsequently injured when the animal was spooked by a sprinkler system (your choice, dude, why blame the owner?) . . . After being unaware for 6 months, ailing actress Zsa Zsa Gabor was shocked to wake up to discover she’d lost a leg to amputation according to her husband (she’s 95, she should be more shocked to wake up alive!) . . . And take note, Brit royals – actor Chris Hemsworth’s actress-wife Elsa Pataky has been awarded $405,000 by Spain’s Supreme Court after topless photos published by a Spanish magazine were ruled an ‘invasion of privacy’ (ironically, the pics were snapped with a long-lens camera while she was posing for “Elle” magazine – topless).

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Slightly Stoopid (“Top Of the World”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Deadmau5 (“4×4=12”), Walk the Moon (“I want! I want!”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Danny! (“Payback”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – The Killers (“Battle Born”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Bonnie Raitt (“Slipstream”).
• “The X Factor” (FOX/CTV) – Auditions continue.

• Barbra Streisand – The 70-year-old singer has officially become ‘Most Expensive Touring Artist of All-time’, charging up to $1,500 a ticket for her newly-announced batch of concerts … plus a $75 service fee. The string of shows include 2 dates at Brooklyn NY’s new Barclays Center October 11th and 13th.
• Black Eyed Peas – is aiming to develop a new “American Idol”-type talent show … for nerds. The aim is to create a TV show celebrating innovators and inventors, which would ideally find the next Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg. He’s currently shopping the idea to TV execs.
• Katy Perry – She’s apparently taken inspiration from Elizabeth Gilbert’s post-divorce memoir “Eat, Pray, Love” by taking a spectacular trip that included climbing a volcano. She’s apparently been getting in touch with her spiritual side recently, meditating and cleansing her ‘chakras’.
• P!nk – The 33-year-old singer says she’d love to have another baby as a sibling for her 15-month-old daughter Willow, but knows now isn’t a good time because of touring commitments supporting her just-released album “The Truth About Love”.
• Radiohead – Tonight their rescheduled European concert dates get underway in St Triphon, Switzerland. The tour was postponed after a crew member was killed in a stage collapse in Toronto June 16th.

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “About Last Night” – Michael Ealy & Joy Bryant star in this remake of a 1986 romantic dramedy as a couple who move in together and then break up while fighting feelings of reconciliation. “Magic Mike” actor Adam Rodriguez has also joined the cast as the film begins shooting in Los Angeles. It’s thought the pic will eventually be re-titled.
• “All You Need Is Kill” – This graphic novel-based sci-fi action pic will star Tom Cruise as a soldier in a war against aliens who relives his last day over and over after being killed. But each time, the experience makes him a better soldier. Bill Paxton is in negotiations to join the cast as the tough leader of Cruise’s platoon. Filming begins this Fall in London.
• “Anna Nicole Smith Story” – Jenny McCarthy and “Mad Men’s” Christina Hendricks are said to be the front-runners to play the tragic star in a new Lifetime TV bio-film. Smith died at age 39 in 2007 after a drug overdose. James Cromwell (“The Artist”) is rumored to be playing Smith’s older husband, billionaire J Howard Marshall, who died at age 90 just 14 months after they wed.
• “Prisoners” – Hugh Jackman & Melissa Leo star in this upcoming thriller about a small-town carpenter whose young daughter and best friend are kidnapped. After the cops fail to find them, he takes the law into his own hands, but in the process runs up against the big-city detective assigned to the case. Production begins early next year with a Fall 2013 release targeted.
• “A Quiet Passion” – 46-year-old former “Sex & The City” actress Cynthia Nixon has signed up to play 19th-century poet Emily Dickinson in this new bio-pic. British director Terence Davies reveals he wrote the script with Nixon in mind. Dickinson died as a tortured recluse at age 55, having seen only 7 of more than 1,000 poems she had written published in her lifetime.

While it may seem absurd, a new Texas A&M University study suggests that we might have more success following a diet if … we eat dessert first. Researchers say a key aspect of dieting involves paying close attention to the amount of unhealthy foods we eat. Although self-control is typically viewed as a battle between willpower and desire, the study suggests we also need to create situations that will make us lose interest in food. One method would be taking away the anticipation of the favorite part of meals to many … dessert. By eating it first, you’ll no longer be thinking about it. (Does sweet & sour Chinese food work the same way?)

✓ Hurry! Today-through-Saturday only, D Geller & Son Jewelry in Atlanta, Georgia is offering anyone who buys $2,500-worth of diamonds … a free hunting rifle! The shop’s website tells hunting fans they don’t have to choose between a diamond ring and a rifle this hunting season. It’s thought the free long-gun valued at $430 will be a sure-fire way to get hunters to propose. (Talk about your shotgun weddings!)
✓ Police in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia have put a stop to an unusual car wash promotion that, after 9 visits, offers customers … free sex. The unusual reward program was born out of a partnership between a car wash and a local massage parlor. Investigators discovered the hookup after they raided the massage parlor and found several customers carrying car wash punch-cards. (What do you get for a wax job?)
– “Malay Mail”


• No, we don’t have a boyfriend in every city. And our median age these days is 44.
• The lavatory door is not rocket science. Just push, dummy.
• If you have a baby, bring diapers. If you’re diabetic, bring syringes. If you have high blood pressure, don’t forget your medication. We can’t possibly stock supplies for every emergency.
• Just in case you hadn’t noticed, there are other people on the airplane besides you. So don’t clip your toenails, snore with wild abandon, or do any type of personal business under a blanket.
• If you’re traveling overseas, bring a pen. You’ll need one to fill out immigration forms and I can’t carry 200 of them.
• You really expect me to take your soggy Kleenex? Or your kid’s fully loaded diaper? Really?
• I don’t care if you want to be in the ‘mile-high club’, keep your clothes on.
• Do you honestly have to go to the bathroom right now, while we’re wrestling a 250-lb food cart down the aisle? You can’t wait 90 seconds for us to pass?
• The only place you are allowed to pee on the airplane is in the lavatory. Period.
• Is it that difficult to say hello and goodbye? We say it 300 times on every flight and only about 40 people respond.
– Condensed from

An obesity clinic geared especially for our furry companions has opened its doors in Grafton, Massachusetts. The Tufts’ Veterinary Obesity Clinic was created by the Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine at Tufts University. Although dogs and cats are not prone to coronary artery disease – a common side effect of human obesity – being overweight can lead to complications such as diabetes, orthopedic problems, and respiratory complications as well as reduced quality of life and life expectancy. (A dog and its owner eventually resemble one another … even on the weigh scales.)

The Environmental Protection Agency estimates that there are 100 million exit signs in use across the USA, consuming 30-to-35 billion kilowatt-hours of electricity annually.


1934 [78] Sophia Loren (Scicolone), Rome, Italy, movie star (1962 Academy Award-“Two Women”, 1991 Honorary Career Achievement Oscar)

1968 [44] Ben Shepherd, Okinawa, Japan, rock bass player-vocalist (Soundgarden-“Black Rain”, “Black Hole Sun”)  BS FACTOID: Soundgarden has confirmed a November 13th release date for “King Animal”, the reunited rockers’ 1st new studio album in over 15 years.

1979 [33] Rick Woolstenhulme, Gilbert AZ, rock drummer (Lifehouse-“You & Me”, “Hanging By a Moment”)

• “Gibberish Day”, highlighting the uselessness of the convoluted terminology and gobbledy-gook spouted by those who are masking their lack of knowledge and expertise or who are just too spineless to make a clear statement. Try this ‘Gibberish Generator’ …

• “Make Your Own Junk Food at Home Day”. So what’s your specialty? World’s best burger? Double-dipped homemade fries? Microwaved wieners? How to make some popular fast-food faves here …

1946 [66] “Cannes Film Festival” debuts on the French Riviera (world’s top-ranked)

2006 [06] A memorial for late “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin is held at the Australia Zoo in Brisbane (3,000 tickets are snapped up in 15 minutes)

1997 [15] Elton John’s rewritten version of “Candle In the Wind”, performed at Princess Diana’s funeral, is released and quickly becomes the biggest-selling single in history

2004 [08] In an interview with “The Sun” tabloid, Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones claims to have finally given up illegal drugs, in part because ‘the quality’s gone down’

1921 [91] 1st ‘Radio Newscast’ airs, on KDKA Pittsburgh PA

1933 [79] NFL’s Pittsburgh Steelers 1st game [as Pittsburgh Pirates], a 23-2 loss to the NY Giants (Steelers are now in their 80th season)

1998 [14] In a surgical 1st, doctors in Lyon, France sew a donor’s hand & arm on a man whose own arm had been amputated in an accident 14 years earlier (afterward, the patient applauds … because he can)

2011 [01] USA ends its ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy, allowing gay men & women to openly serve in the military openly for the 1st time

1998 [14] After playing in a Major League Baseball-record 2,632 consecutive games over 16 seasons, Cal Ripken of the Baltimore Orioles finally sits out a game vs NY Yankees

[Fri] UN International Day of Peace
[Fri] Miniature Golf Day
[Fri] World Gratitude Day
[Sat] Elephant Appreciation Day
[Sat] Centenarians Day
[Sat] Hunting & Fishing Day
[Sat] 1st day of Autumn
This Week Is … Adult Immunization Awareness Week
This Month Is … Library Card Sign-up Month


• “They’re out of paper towels. Do you mind if I use your shirt?”
• “Welcome to my one-man production of ‘Urinetown’.”
• “Do you have a pen? I’d like to let people know who they can call for a good time.”
• “Wow, that burns.”
• “I just ate Mexican, so now would be a good time to evacuate.”
• “I’ve never seen something that small … or purple.”
• “Dude, you need to work on your aim.”
• “Can you spot me?”
– Adapted from

My wife complains that she doesn’t have a thing to wear … and also that there isn’t enough closet space for her clothes.

• How many times per day does the average adult in the Western world break wind?
a. 5.
b. 15. [CORRECT on average, releasing enough gas to inflate a party balloon.]
c. 50.

• Your British husband has just been made an ‘Earl’, so what’s your title?
a. Lady.
b. Countess. [CORRECT. ‘Earl’ was the Anglo-Saxon version of the French-based title ‘Count’.]
c. Earlette.

• If an older woman marries a younger man she’s ‘robbing the cradle’. So if a younger woman marries an older man is she ‘robbing the casket’?
• Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
• If your spouse doesn’t disagree with you, how can you tell if you’re right?
• How are you supposed to save money when your neighbors keep buying things you can’t afford?
• Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

☎ If you were the opposite sex, what job would you like to have?

What’s the only word in English with 3 consecutive double letters? [Bookkeeper.]

Question: According to a recent survey, THIS is the ‘sexiest talent a guy can have’.
Answer: Playing the piano.

The trouble with reality is there’s no background music.

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