Wednesday, September 21, 2011       Edition: #4591
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

Soccer star David Beckham is reportedly planning to bid on the famous jewelry collection that belonged to late screen star Elizabeth Taylor when it’s auctioned in December, seeking gifts for wife Victoria (among the rocks, some $4.5-million-worth of diamonds!) . . . To protect their home in France, Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie are said to have hired ex-members of Britain’s SAS (Special Air Service) and installed a $200-million, state-of-the-art security system (‘like something out of a James Bond movie’) after being warned that organized crime gangs are targeting rich foreigners in the area (the downside of being rich & famous) . . . His “Two-and-a-Half Men” character is now dead, but like some sort of incredibly rich zombie Charlie Sheen is still collecting money off the program, getting $100 million over the next 10 years to settle his dispute with Warner Bros (thus explaining his well-wishes for his old show on the Emmys) . . . After successfully pitching a movie script about a theft of hockey’s Stanley Cup, Emmy-winner Melissa McCarthy (“Mike & Molly”) has now sold a sitcom pilot to CBS-TV, about a woman battling ‘a spectacular midlife crisis’ (“Molly Without Mike”?) . . . After more than a year together, 25-year-old “Glee” star Lea Michele & Broadway actor Theo Stockman have called it quits, but her rep claims ‘they will always be friends’ (BS translation: Keep that no-name bit actor away!) . . . And while movie star John Travolta was checking out Jaguars at a car dealership in Santa Monica, California the other day, someone stole his vintage 1970 Mercedes-Benz 280 SL from the parking lot outside, and police apparently have no leads in the case (don’t worry, he won’t need to hitchhike – he also owns a Rolls-Royce, a Jaguar XJ6, and 3 classic Thunderbirds).

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Grouplove (“Grouplove”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Adam Levine (Maroon 5).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Pitbull (“Planet Pit”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Death Cab for Cutie (“Codes & Keys”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Elbow (“Build a Rocket Boys!”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Wilco (“The Whole Love”, out September 27th), who also perform on the “Live With Letterman” webcast after the show taping.
• Pop Montréal International Music Festival – The 10th annual through Sunday features more than 400 acts at more than 50 venues across the city, highlighted by a free Arcade Fire concert.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – The Kooks (“Inside In/Inside Out”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Tony Bennett w/kd lang (“Duets II”).
• “The X-Factor” (FOX/CTV) – Series debut of Simon Cowell’s imported-from-Britain singing competition, with a coaching/judging panel that includes Nicole Scherzinger and Paula Abdul. Tonight hopefuls perform at auditions in LA and Seattle WA.
• Other TV season debuts tonight include  “Criminal Minds” (CBS/CTV2); “CSI” (CBS/CTV); “Harry’s Law” (NBC/Global); “Law & Order: SVU” (NBC/CTV2); “The Middle” (ABC/CityTV); “Modern Family” (ABC/CityTV); and “Revenge” (ABC/CityTV).

• Alan Jackson – He’s headlining the “Capitol Street Party” this afternoon in Nashville TN, a free annual street party near ‘Music Row’ featuring an outdoor stage.
• Blake Shelton – He reveals that one of his least-fond memories of school was basketball games during gym class when teams were designated ‘shirts’ and ‘skins’ (no shirt). It was humiliating to be on the skins, he says, because he was ‘so white and chubby’.
• Brad Paisley – Describing his relationship with Carrie Underwood, he tells “People”: “She’s the Sonny to my Cher. She’s the Tennille to my Captain. She’s the Bert to my Ernie … in a strictly platonic way. She’s the Barbie to my Ken. She’s my gal.”
• John Mayer – He’s announced online that he’s canceling all upcoming live performances and putting work on his next album on hold as he has been diagnosed with granuloma, a throat condition caused by an inflamed nodule close to the vocal chords. His next album, “Born & Raised”, is now scheduled for 2012 rather than later this year.
• Rolling Stones – Guitarist Ronnie Wood is apparently set to collaborate with his old bandmate from The Faces, Rod Stewart, as the Stones’ 50th anniversary tour is now doubtful. Mick Jagger has warned fans not to ‘hold their breath’ for a tour next year, meaning Wood and Stewart may finally get a chance for a long-planned reunion.

• A 35-year-old man in southern Mississippi is accused of trying to shoplift food items from a grocery store by stuffing them into his cargo shorts. The contraband included 2 bags of jumbo shrimp, a pork loin, and … 2 live lobsters. After trying to escape by throwing the pork loin at employees, he was arrested at the scene. (This lobster thief was … er, pinched.)
– AP
• Wildlife authorities have seized an orangutan named ‘Shirley’ from a state-run zoo in Malaysia’s southern Johor state because … she has a smoking problem. The 20-year-old ape is now being forced to kick the habit, apparently started by sucking on butts tossed into her cage by zoo visitors. (On the upside, she now does a really good Humphrey Bogart impression.)
– PA News
• A 64-year-old obese man is suing the White Castle fast-food chain, claiming … its seats are too small for fat people. The 294-lb New Yorker contends the restaurants’ uncomfortable booths violate the Americans with Disabilities Act, and he just wants to ‘sit down like a normal person’. (Or perhaps 2-and-a-half normal persons.)
– “The Sun”
• A Montana restaurant-owner is suing the publisher of a local phone book, claiming his brand name and reputation have gone down the tubes and business has dropped off at his Bar 3 Bar-B-Q restaurant since the eatery was erroneously listed under … ‘Animal Carcass Removal’. (Technically, that’s kind of correct.)

Airport security may soon have a new way to check your ID … watching the way you walk. It seems footsteps are as unique as fingerprints, and can identify people with 99.8% accuracy.  All people ‘load’ their feet differently, even if they have the same foot size and shape, and they do it consistently. Now researchers at Shinshu University in Nagano, Japan have developed a way to record a person’s walking pattern using pressure sensors that detect changes in weight distribution. It’s thought similar sensors could be used in airports to identify passengers as they walk barefoot through security. (Wait a second here … barefoot? Are we going to be subjected to even more humiliation?)
– “New Scientist”

New terms leaking into our lingo …
• ‘Butler Lie’ – Based on the old accusation ‘the butler did it’, this is a white lie used to politely avoid or end an email, text message, or phone conversation. For example, next time your friend texts that he has to end the conversation with you because ‘the waiter has arrived’, just maybe your friend isn’t even at a restaurant.
• ‘Gummy Bear Implants’ – Nickname given to an experimental type of breast implants filled with cohesive silicone gel. This viscous filler has the consistency of gummy bear candies, so if the implant ruptures, the gel won’t migrate. (Does it come in cool pastel colors?)
• ‘Paperphilia’ – A deep appreciation for the aesthetic qualities of paper. Similarly, a preference for reading items printed on paper rather than displayed on a screen. (You can’t beat lying on the coach reading the newspaper, right?)

Each incoming freshman at Virginia’s Randolph-Macon College this year was eligible to take part in a brief signing ceremony. The new student, along with a parent and the college president, could sign a special agreement that’s becoming popular at higher education institutions … as long as the student keeps up with academic work and meets regularly with advisers, the college guarantees that earning a degree will take no more than 4 years. These guarantees serve as a marketing tool, giving colleges a way to ease parents’ fears that their kids might enjoy college enough to stick around for extra (costly) years. And they also help to focus students’ attention on the task at hand … getting the work done. (Party poopers!)
– “New York Times”

The 2012 edition of the “Guinness Book of World Records” has just been released and the record for ‘Longest Beard – Living Male’ now belongs to Sarwan Singh of Surrey, British Columbia, with a floor-tickler that measures 2.37 m (almost 8 ft). In truth, he locked down the record back in 2010 on an Italian TV show but the new printing of the Guinness book is the first official listing of the feat. (We want to know about ‘Longest Beard – Living Female’.)

• 40% of active Twitter users do not tweet at all, they just follow other people.
– “Newsbeat”
• The number of tattooed Americans soared to 16% in 2003 but fell back to 14% in 2008. Since then, the number of tattoo parlors has fallen by 10% and laser removal treatments are booming.
– Harris Poll


1934 [77] Leonard Cohen, Montréal QC, Canadian icon/singer/songwriter/poet (“Hallelujah”, “Bird On a Wire”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2008)/Order of Canada (2003)/Canadian Music Hall of Fame (1991)

1947 [64] Stephen King, Portland ME, scary author (“Cell”, “The Shining”)/first major author to release books online

1950 [61] Bill Murray, Wilmette IL, movie actor (“Lost in Translation”, “Caddyshack”)

1957 [54] Filmmaker Ethan Coen, St Louis Park MN (Coen Bros-“True Grit”, “No Country For Old Men”)

1967 [44] Faith Hill, Ridgeland MS, country singer (“NBC Sunday Night Football Theme”, “This Kiss”)/Mrs Tim McGraw since 1996

1968 [43] Ricki Lake, Hastings-on-Hudson NY, TV personality (“Dancing With the Stars” 2011)/movie actress (“Hairspray”)/former talk show host (“Ricki Lake” 1993-2004)

1971 [40] Luke Wilson, Dallas TX, movie actor (“Blades of Glory”, “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy”)/brother of actor Owen Wilson

1972 [39] Liam Gallagher, Manchester UK, outspoken rock singer (Beady Eye-“The Roller”, ex-Oasis-“Wonderwall”, “Don’t Look Back in Anger”)

1981 [30] Nicole Richie (Escovedo), Berkeley CA, socialite/fashion designer/former reality TV star (“The Simple Life”)/adopted daughter of pop singer Lionel Richie/double mom via partner Joel Madden (Good Charlotte)

1989 [22] Jason Derulo, Miami FL, R&B/pop singer-songwriter-producer (“In My Head”, “Whatcha Say”)

• “International Day of Peace”, the 29th annual observance highlighting the work of the UN and its humanitarian agencies, as well as organizations and individuals dedicated to creating a more peaceful, just, and sustainable world.

• “Miniature Golf Day”. The first mini-golf was the ‘Tom Thumb Golf Course’ built in 1929 in Chattanooga TN by John Garnet Carter. Nowadays there’s a ‘Professional Miniature Golf Association’ that holds the ‘PMGA Championship’ each year.

• “Throw Away Something Day”, a day to reduce the clutter in your life. Easiest way to throw something away … put it on the curb with a ‘Free’ sign on it.

• “World Alzheimer’s Day”, an annual observance when Alzheimer’s organizations try to raise awareness about Alzheimer’s disease and dementia.

“World Gratitude Day”, started in 1977 by the United Nations Meditation Group, a time to focus on things you really value and appreciate, and to express gratitude to those who help facilitate them.

1996 [15] 35-year-old John F Kennedy Jr (once known as world’s most eligible bachelor) & 30-year-old Carolyn Bessette are wed on Cumberland Island, Georgia (both die in a plane crash July 16, 1999)

2001 [10] 27 TV networks air “America: A Tribute to Heroes”, a star-studded benefit for families of 9/11 victims that’s broadcast live from NYC & LA

1986 [25] “National Enquirer” publishes a photo of Michael Jackson lying in an oxygen chamber with the headline: “Michael Jackson’s Bizarre Plan to Live to 150”

1985 [26] Little-known 24-year-old actor George Clooney makes his 1st appearance as a handyman on the popular TV sitcom “The Facts of Life” (goes on to appear in 17 episodes)

1991 [20] Rock act Status Quo sets a world record by playing 4 separate British arena venues within 11 hours

[Thurs] Last Day of Summer
[Thurs] Business Women’s Day
[Thurs] Car-Free Day
[Thurs] Dear Diary Day
[Thurs] Elephant  Appreciation Day
[Thurs] White Chocolate Day
This Week Is … Pollution Prevention Week
This Month Is … Apple Month


• Lead story always has something to do with goats.
• Sometimes spend entire broadcast straightening papers.
• Anchorman often giggles and says “Whoa boy! Here comes another Japanese name!”
• During interview, police chief asks reporter, “What are you, some kind of moron?”
• Coming back from commercials you can see them spinning in their chairs.
• Co-anchors wear matching T-shirts that say ‘I’m With Stupid’.
• Last 20 minutes of newscast devoted to corrections.
• Official nightly sign-off is ‘Bye-bye,  Mr Camera!’

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Where did the ‘blazer’ jacket get its name from?
a. A shooting star.
b. A ship. [CORRECT. HMS Blazer, who’s captain ordered blue jackets for all crew members.]
c. A fire department mascot.

Today is “Observe the Speed Limit Day”, a day to slow down and see if you can drive legally for 24 hours. But we wonder, under what conditions should speeding be legal?

Question: We are now dealing with THIS person a third less than we were 5 years ago.
Answer: Bank teller.

The first half of your life you know it all, and the second half of your life you forget it all.

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