Wednesday, September 22, 2010        Edition: #4348
100% Grade A Bull!

Today “American Idol” reveals its new judging panel as Ryan Seacrest makes the announcement at a noontime press conference alongside the new line-up (we predict just 3 judges: Jennifer Lopez, Steven Tyler, and sole returnee Randy Jackson) . . . Meantime, J-Lo’s ex-husband, one-time waiter Ojani Noa, is planning to be in line for the show’s LA auditions today, hoping to sing in front of his ex-wife, even performing one of her songs (too juicy an opportunity for producers to pass up!) . . . 27-year-old NY Jets wide receiver Braylon Edwards has been busted for DUI, reportedly blowing a .16 – twice the legal limit (here’s what’s really, really stupid – he didn’t need to drive at all because the team provides a car service for all its players) . . . Kim Kardashian (“Keeping Up With the Kardashians”) has split up with NFL player Miles Austin (Dallas Cowboys), a friend suggesting that Kim needs to ‘date a businessman as athletes just aren’t a good long-term investment’ (how heart-warming, love as a commodity) . . . For years actor Keanu Reeves didn’t want to talk about his early “Bill & Ted” movies but it seems he’s now liking the idea of revisiting the series to make another instalment (it’s been a long time since he’s had a hit) . . . 42-year-old actress Julia Roberts is set to sign a $50-million deal to remain the face of beauty products giant Lancome for 5 more years (smile pretty in ads – easy money!) . . . And “Mad Men” actress Elisabeth Moss (‘Peggy Olson’) has filed for divorce from “Saturday Night Live” comic Fred Armisen after just 7 months of marriage amid reports he’s already moved on to his “SNL” castmate Abby Elliott (dude, never dip your pen in company ink!).

• “Better With You” (ABC) – Series premiere of new comedy about 2 sisters at different stages in their respective relationships.
• “Cougar Town” (ABC/CityTV) – Jennifer Aniston guest stars as Courteney Cox’s shrink on the show’s 2nd season premiere.
• “Criminal Minds” (CBS/CTV) – The crime drama’s 6th season debut.
• “The Defenders” (CBS/CTV) – Debut of new courtroom drama with James Belushi & Jerry O’Connell as flashy Vegas defense attorneys who go to the mat for their clients.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Joaquin Phoenix (“I’m Still Here”) returns a year after totally embarrassing himself on the show (an incident now being spun as a ‘hoax’ that Dave was in on); Tom Jones (“Praise & Blame”).
• “Law & Order: SVU” (NBC/CTV) – 2-hour 12th season debut.
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Santana w/India.Arie (“Guitar Heaven: The Greatest Guitar Classics of All Time”).
• “Modern Family” (ABC/CityTV) – The 6-Emmy-winning comedy returns for its 2nd season.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Tommy Lee (Motley Crue).
• “The Whole Truth: (ABC/CityTV) – Series debut starring Maura Tierney & Rob Morrow as a prosecutor and a defense attorney who are old friends but go head-to-head on high-profile cases.
• “Undercovers” (NBC/CityTV) – Premiere of new JJ Abrams series about a husband/wife team who are re-activated as CIA agents years after they’ve retired.

• Arcade Fire – Tonight they begin a new leg of North American touring in St Paul MN.
• Grateful Dead – The last home late leader Jerry Garcia lived in before he died is on the market for $4 million. The 11-acre estate near San Francisco CA boasts a solar-heated pool and an organic garden.
• Justin Bieber – TMZ has acquired photos of the teen pop star making out in the back seat of a Honda with 16-year-old Jasmine Villegas, who happens to be the opening act on his concert tour. (And now the target of about 2 billion groupies.)
• Kings of Leon – Frontman Caleb Followill has become engaged to model-girlfriend Lily Aldridge, whom he’s been dating since 2007. She reportedly accepted his proposal over the weekend but they are yet to set a date for the wedding.
• Muse – Tonight their North American Fall tour kicks off in San Diego CA.
• Radiohead – They’ve written a ‘group of songs’ and are currently deciding how to release them. The band pioneered a ‘Pay What You Want’ download method with their last album, “In Rainbows” in 2007, but Colin Greenwood says the landscape has changed again and they may look at something new for distribution.
• Slipknot –Tonight there are screenings of their UK “Download Festival” performance from the upcoming DVD “(sic)nesses” at select movie theaters around-the-world.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Bedlunch’ – A snack before bed.
• ‘Half-Sack’ – A 6-pack of beer.
• ‘Psychache’ – Extreme psychological pain.

Some unusual but very real US college scholarships …
• Alice McArver Ratchford Scholarship: For single female undergraduates in financial need who live on campus, don’t have a car, and have no other scholarships.
• Billy Barty Foundation: Awarded to students who are under 4-ft-10 and have proof of dwarfism.
• Frederick & Mary F Beckley Scholarship: For students attending Juniata College in Pennsylvania. To qualify, they must be left-handed, have financial need, and a good GPA.
• Tall Clubs International Scholarship: For a male 6-ft-2 or taller or a female 5-ft-10 or taller. Must write an essay on “What being tall means to me.”
• Zolp Scholarship: For students at Loyola University who are Catholic and have the surname ‘Zolp’.

The first of those Compact Fluorescent Lights (CFLs) we all switched to as the perfect ‘green’ solution to save electricity are beginning to burn out (so much for the 5-to-10 year lifespan we were promised). The problem with trashing CFLs is they contain mercury, a toxic substance that requires careful disposal. It’s recommended they be recycled if a local CFL recycling center is available, but who’d want to bother locating one for a single bulb? Failing that option, it’s suggested you double bag your burnt out CFLs in zippered plastic bags and put them outside with your regular trash. You shouldn’t keep the bulb indoors in case of breakage. (Someone needs to come up with a brainwave before these things start blowing by the thousands.)

• 3.5 years … The average time spent eating in the course of a lifetime.
• 14 minutes … The time taken for an average man to make love, according to one study.
• 66% … The percentage of drivers who admit to eating while driving.
• 80 miles … The average distance an infant has crawled by age 2.
– “Men’s Health” / wire services

• They’re talking the walk! A new Aston University study in the UK finds that 1-in-10 people have been injured as a result of tripping, falling, colliding with a solid object, or failing to notice a car while using a mobile phone. The study also shows that, in London alone, 2 teenage pedestrians are injured or killed per day simply because they were distracted by their phones. (Seems we’re just dying to communicate with one another.)
– “The Independent”
• ‘Walter Mitty’ is alive! A Chicago IL resident has found the nerve to act upon one of his fantasies. Cops are looking for a man who stole a uniform and posed as a bus driver, driving around the city and picking up passengers … for 4 hours. Surveillance video shows the wannabe driver logging in and starting up the bus. (Passengers caught on to the ruse right away … he was too courteous.)
• Holy body art! Richard Ivey, minister of ‘The Church of Body Modification’ in rural North Carolina, describes the church as a non-theistic faith that draws people who see tattoos, piercings, and other physical alterations as ways of experiencing the divine. One of his followers, a 14-year-old, has just been suspended from school because her nose piercing violates the school board’s dress code. (Now it’s a religious issue.)
– AP

• Get Pregnant: Sure, guys contribute but they’ll never get as close (literally!) to their own babies.
• Fake It: Cue the famous scene from “When Harry Met Sally”. Enough said.
• Ask for Directions: Women have no problem pulling over and asking for help. Consulting the GPS doesn’t count, guys.
• Look Sexy Sipping Fruity Cocktails: What guy do you know who can look hot holding a pink drink with a little umbrella stuck in it?
• Multitask: Women can talk to their BFF on the phone, while watching “America’s Next Top Model” and doing lunges. No sweat.
• Get a New Last Name: Or just drop it all together, à la Fergie and Madonna.
• Wear Skirts: They’re so much cooler in hot weather, plus a hot mini can score free drinks at the bar.
• Get Out Of a Speeding Ticket: A little smile and a “Sorry, officer” is all it takes to get off scot-free.
– Condensed from

• Cancer patients typically make 53 visits to hospital during treatment.
• When people fall in love they lose on average of 2 close friends.
• The Pope’s aircraft is known as ‘Shepherd One’.
– Magazine Monitor


1958 [52] Andrea Bocelli, Lajatico, Italy, operatic singer (“The Prayer”)

1958 [52] Joan Jett (Larkin), Philadelphia PA, classic rock singer (“I Love Rock & Roll”)

1961 [49] Bonnie Hunt, Chicago IL, TV talk show host (“The Bonnie Hunt Show” 2008-10)/movie actress (“Cars”, “Cheaper By the Dozen” films)

1987 [23] Tom Felton, London UK, movie actor (‘Draco Malfoy’ in “Harry Potter” films)

• “Autumn” begins in the Northern Hemisphere as the Autumnal Equinox occurs at 11:09 pm EDT. Studies show we eat an average of 12.5% more during Autumn than in any other season.

• “Business Women’s Day”, celebrating the important contribution of working women and women business owners.

• “Centenarians Day”, honoring those who’ve lived 100 years or more … which will soon be most of us!

• “Dear Diary Day”, a day to ‘put it on paper because it’ll make you feel better’. (Until someone sneaky finds your diary and reads all your deepest, darkest secrets.)

• “Elephant Appreciation Day”, to celebrate the world’s most interesting and noble endangered land animal.

• “Good Neighbor Day”, dedicated to developing positive relationships with those next door.

• “Hobbit Day”, commemorating JRR Tolkein and the birthdays of his characters ‘Frodo’ & ‘Bilbo Baggins’. On this date in the year 3001 of the 3rd Age, Shire Reckoning, the 2 characters celebrated their shared birthday. ‘Bilbo’ was 111 and ‘Frodo’ was 33.

• “OneWebDay”, the 4th annual global celebration of online life. The goal is to create and make visible a global constituency that cares about the future of the Internet.

• “White Chocolate Day”, honoring the tasty confection of sugar, cocoa butter, and milk solids. It first appeared in Switzerland in the 1930s when Nestlé invented it to use up excess cocoa butter. To qualify as real ‘white chocolate’, the product must be at least 20% cocoa butter by weight.

• “World Carfree Day”. Wow, free cars? No silly, it’s an annual effort to help create permanent change to benefit pedestrians, cyclists, and other people who do not drive cars.

1989 [21] “Baywatch” debuts on NBC-TV (is later cancelled but returns in syndication to become world’s most-watched TV show for a time)

1994 [16] The sitcom “Friends” debuts (NBC) and begins a frenzy for the ‘Rachel’ hairstyle worn by star Jennifer Aniston

1954 [56] 1st ‘Pina Colada’ is concocted (rum, coconut cream & unsweetened pineapple juice) by Ramon ‘Monchito’ Marrero, a bartender at the Caribe Hilton Hotel in San Juan who wanted to capture all the flavors of Puerto Rico in a single drink

1986 [24] ‘The Wave’ (originally called the ‘Mexican Wave’) first achieves widespread popularity in stadiums during the World Cup soccer finals in Mexico City

[Thurs] 1st Full Day of Fall
[Thurs] Celebrate Bisexuality Day
[Thurs] Full Moon
[Thurs] “Grey’s Anatomy”/“Private Practice” season debut (ABC)
[Thurs] “CSI” season debut (CBS)
[Fri] Hug a Vegetarian Day
This Week Is … Adult Immunization Awareness Week
This Month Is … Update Your Résumé Month


Like Jay Leno’s ‘Headlines’, only funny …
• ‘Guardsman Who Is Openly Gay Drilled With Unit’
• ‘Scientist Blames Germs For Illnesses’
• ‘Colleagues Finger Billionaire’
• ‘Crack Found in Man’s Buttocks’
• ‘Condom Truck Tips, Spills Load’
• ‘For Colonoscopy, Location Matters’
• ‘Cash Is the Key to Ending Financial Woes’
• ‘Driver Bribes Cop With Sweet Potato’
• ‘One-Armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers’
• ‘Hooker Named Layperson Of the Year’
– Edited from

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

Your dilator naris posterior is itching. Will you be scratching near …
a. Your nose. [CORRECT. It’s the muscle that dilates the apertures of your nostrils.]
b. Your belly button.
c. Your butt.

Guys, what female expressions have you heard that you have no clue as to the meaning of? How about …
• “Oh, they’re going out? Are they cute together?”
• “She finally got a date? Just goes to show you there’s someone for everyone.”
• “I don’t like the room decorated like this; I wanna make it pretty.”

Today’s Question: On average you consume anywhere from 2-to-10 of THESE a day.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Pesticides. (“Men’s Health”)

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don’t.

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