Wednesday, September 26, 2012        Edition: #4838

Sheet Happens!

According to a new report, FX has closed a deal to turn the Coen Bros’ Oscar-winning 1996 film “Fargo” into an hour-long drama series (kudos, what took ya?) . . . Onetime “Dawson’s Creek” star Joshua Jackson is fanning the ‘Pacey-Joey’ flames by revealing that former castmate Katie Holmes called him after her divorce from Tom Cruise (looking for a relationship or a series reunion?) . . . “Modern Family’s” Eric Stonestreet (‘Cameron Tucker’) is denying reports he’s dating movie star Charlize Theron in a hilarious way, tweeting that the rumors have been ‘making Halle Berry jealous’ (you wish) . . . Sorta actor David Hasselhoff (“Baywatch” and, most recently, “Baywatch”) & his Welsh girlfriend Hayley Roberts have put an offer on a Cotswolds-area house in England, located in a village called Broadway (only way he’s ever going to get there) . . . Chevy Chase had found new ways to disparage his show “Community” (NBC), telling HuffingtonPost UK ‘the hours are hideous, and it’s still a sitcom on television, which is probably the lowest form of television’ (would somebody please fire this bitter old man?) . . . Hollywood seems determined to make Mandy Moore a sitcom star; she’s landed yet another pilot, “Miss Most Likely” for ABC-TV, about a 28-year-old who runs away from home to the big city so she can finally start the life she’s always wanted (she should apply this to her career) . . . And famous felon Lindsay Lohan is planning to sue her hit-and-run accuser for defamation of character (snort, she actually thinks she has a reputation worth protecting?).

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – No Doubt for a 2nd day (“Push & Shove”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Billy Corgan (Smashing Pumpkins).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Dispatch (“Circles Around the Sun”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Little Big Town (“Tornado”).
• “Modern Family” (ABC) – 4th season debut, followed by the series debut of the new sci-fi comedy “The Neighbors”.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Richie Sambora (“Aftermath Of the Lowdown”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Dwight Yoakam (“3 Pears”).
• “The X Factor” (FOX/CTV) – Auditions continue.

• Chris Brown – He’s tested positive for marijuana, leading an LA judge to set a November hearing to decide if he violated probation stemming from his 2009 assault on girlfriend Rihanna.
• Death Cab for Cutie – Ben Gibbard’s debut solo album, “Former Lives”, is coming out October 16th. In support of the album, he begins a solo tour tonight in Big Sur, California.
• Kanye West – He will not be returning to Paris Fashion Week to show his Dw by Kanye Spring/Summer 2013 collection, reports “Women’s Wear Daily”. The move follows 2 seasons of poorly-received shows. One reviewer described his 2011 collection as ‘rap with a capital C’.
• Linkin Park – They’ve become the first band to surpass 1 billion views on YouTube. The video for their single “New Divide” has over 131 million views alone. Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, and Rihanna are the only other musicians with over a billion views.
• PSY – The “Gangnam Style” video by the South Korean rapper has become the most ‘liked’ video in YouTube history with over 2-and-a-half million.
• Rihanna – Today her new song “Diamonds” is released via iTunes. It’s the lead single from her upcoming 7th album, expected out in November, as well as the name of her 2013 tour.
• Sean Kingston – He says his pal Justin Bieber has given him his $100,000 chrome-plated Fisker Karma sports car … because he was bored with it.
• Switchfoot – Tonight they kick off a new Fall tour in Baltimore, Maryland that runs through October 28th in Anaheim, California.
• Taylor Swift – She’s set to play folk music icon Joni Mitchell in a film adaptation of Sheila Weller’s 2008 book “Girls Like Us”, which chronicles the lives of Mitchell, Carole King, and Carly Simon and how they reshaped pop music. The roles of King and Simon have not yet been cast.
• 3OH!3 – Tonight they embark on a headlining tour at Western Carolina University in Cullowhee, North Carolina. Their new album “Omens” is due December 4th.

A human hair that may have belonged to famed painter Vincent van Gogh has been removed from a painting in an attempt to prove or disprove whether he painted the work of art. In a bid to settle one of the mysteries of the art world, the 3-inch-long (8-cm) red hair was lifted from “Still Life with Peonies” and DNA samples taken from it will be compared with those from van Gogh’s living descendants. If confirmed as a van Gogh, the painting could fetch over $60 million. (Won’t be the first time a curly red hair has been used as evidence.)

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Dadpreneur’ – A man who creates a business connected with fatherhood. (The 2003 movie “Daddy Daycare” is the story of a couple of stay-at-home dadpreneurs who decide to open their own daycare center.)
• ‘Food Baby’ – A bloated, distended stomach caused by overeating. (“Man, I should have quit after the 25th chicken wing … now I gots me a food baby.”)
• ‘Mansplaining’  – Explaining in a condescending, patronizing way, particularly when done by a man who combines arrogance with ignorance of the topic. (“So my hubby was mansplaining to me about how defensive holding was gonna cost our team 10 yards and an automatic first down. I had to tell him that’s the college rule … everybody knows it’s only 5 yards in the NFL.”)

Paris is instantly recognizable as long as you’re looking at a photo of the Eiffel Tower, but could you recognize it if the pic lacked a landmark? A new software program can identify various cities from a single photo of any old street. Carnegie Mellon University researchers discovered that almost any street has little details that give away its city, including distinctive signs, windows, and balconies. To develop the software, programers fed in thousands of Google Street View images containing hundreds-of-millions of unique visual elements. That huge database allows the software to pick out recurring details that are typical of specific cities. (What would that be for your hometown?)
– “Discover Magazine”

• The average male foot exudes a half-pint of sweat each day.
• A man weighing 200 lbs would provide enough meat to feed 100 cannibals in a sitting.
• The average human body contains enough fat to make 7 bars of soap.
• Your skeleton is worth up to $7,500 to a medical school; your skull alone is worth about $450.
• The average adult piece of turd weighs about 4 ounces, half of the bulk comprised of the dead bodies of bacteria that live inside your intestines.

Does a performer’s gender shape how we hear music? A couple of recent studies suggest it might. One study reports that knowledgeable listeners describe the same performance as more ‘precise’ when performed by a man and more ‘dramatic’ when performed by a woman. Another has found that people told they were listening to a symphony conducted by a woman judged the performance as ‘less powerful’ and ‘more delicate’ than those told the conductor was a man. (Let’s consider the Shania Twain tune “Man! I Feel Like a Woman” sung by Marilyn Manson.)
– “Pacific Standard Magazine”

✓Husbands need to feel needed. The ‘hero chip’ is hardwired into most men, so asking for their help can make your relationship closer.
✓Husbands show their feelings through actions rather than words. The more directly you tell him what you crave, the more likely you are to get it.
✓Husbands do best with clear, concise messages. Chances are that your husband will process what you’re saying better if you don’t bombard him with information.
✓Husbands get insecure too. Whether it’s a potbelly, bald spot, or back hair, husbands also have body hang-ups. Remember to let him know you think he’s sexy just the way he is.
✓Husbands need some alone time. Unlike girl-time, guy-time doesn’t involve a lot of gabbing. Instead, it’s about doing activities together, whether it’s hoop-shooting or guitar-playing.
✓Husbands may do more housework than you think. Studies show wives underestimate the amount of time their hubbies spend on housework and overestimate their own contribution.
✓Husbands have selective hearing. Women love to talk about people and relationships, while men are more apt to talk about things.
– Condensed from

An eye-opening new NYPD report shows that New Yorkers carrying Apple products are increasingly becoming targets while walking down the street, riding the subway, or just sitting at home. Whether thieves target iPhones, iPads, or computers, the crime spike is outpacing NYC’s overall crime rate. Since January 1st, 11,447 Apple products have been stolen. That’s an increase of 40% from a year ago. It’s likely because Apple products go for big bucks both inside the store and out on the street. Once they’re snatched, they’re often sold for hundreds-of-dollars on the Internet or shipped overseas. (What’s your secret to securing your iPhone/iPad?)
– CBS News

• King Louis XIV of France established in his court the position of ‘Royal Chocolate Maker to the King’.
• Napoleon reportedly carried chocolate on all his military campaigns.
• In 1875, after experimenting with adding milk to chocolate for 8 years, Daniel Peter of Switzerland sold his creation to his neighbor, Henri Nestlé.
• The chocolate chip cookie was invented by Ruth Wakefield in 1933.
• In 1973, Swedish confectionery salesman Roland Ohisson was buried in a coffin made entirely of chocolate.


1948 [64] Olivia Newton-John, Cambridge UK (raised Melbourne, Australia), oldies singer (“I Honestly Love You”)/movie actress (“Grease”)

1968 [44] Jim Caviezel, Mount Vernon WA, movie actor (“The Count of Monte Cristo”, “The Passion Of the Christ”)

1972 [40] Shawn Stockman, Philadelphia PA, R&B-pop singer (Boyz II Men-“The End Of the Road”) who had 6 #1 hits in the ‘90s, including some of the longest-charted singles of all-time

1981 [31] Serena Williams, Saginaw MI, 5-time #1-ranked women’s tennis player considered  one of the greatest of all-time/15 Grand Slam singles championships/only female player to win more than $40 million in prize money

1981 [31] Christina Milian, Jersey City NJ, pop singer (“Say I”, “Dip It Low”)/sometime movie actress (“Be Cool”, “American Pie”)

• “International Tool Day”. So who do you think qualifies? Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad? Simon Cowell?

• “Search For Your Baseball Cards Again Day”, that collection that you had as a kid that may be worth a fortune today. (Your mom didn’t throw it out … did she? Oh no!)

• “Women’s Health & Fitness Day”, observed on the last Wednesday of September to focus attention on the importance of regular physical activity and health awareness for women.

1975 [37] “Rocky Horror Picture Show” premieres in Westwood, California and rapidly becomes an interactive cult movie classic

2008 [04] Screen legend Paul Newman dies from cancer at age 83 at his home in Westport, Connecticut

2003 [09] British rock singer Robert Palmer (“Addicted to Love”, “Simply Irresistible”) dies from a heart attack at age 54 in Paris, France

1892 [120] 1st ‘Matchbook’ (Diamond Match Co)

1926 [86] Shortest MLB double-header ever played in as NY Yankees lose 6-1 in 72 minutes and lose again 6-2 in 55 minutes to St Louis Browns (Yanks had already clinched the pennant)

1983 [29] ‘Longest Winning Streak in Sports’ (132 years) comes to an end as challenger “Australia II” defeats the USA in “America’s Cup” yacht racing

[Thurs] “Two-And-a-Half Men” season debut (CBS)
[Thurs] JK Rowling publishes “The Casual Vacancy”
[Thurs] Ancestor Appreciation Day
[Fri] “Hotel Transylvania”; “Looper”; “Won’t Back Down” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Hug a Vegetarian Day
[Sat] Full ‘Harvest’ Moon
This Week Is … Fall Astronomy Week
This Month Is … Happy Cat Month


• Prairie dogs who change tires.
• Squids that sit around all day waiting for the cable guy.
• Super-intelligent dogs that really can play poker so you can just photograph them instead of buying one of those fancy novelty paintings.
• Angry, growling, hissing marigolds.
• Mexican marital-counseling beans.
• Skunks that give off a lemon-fresh scent after being flattened by a semi.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

• If you hear thunder 10 seconds after you see lightning, how far away was the lightning?
a. 1 mile away.
b. 2 miles away. [CORRECT. Sound travels at about a mile in 5 seconds.]
c. What’s that tingling in my leg?

• ‘Ostraconophobia’ is the fear of what?
a. Shellfish. [CORRECT]
b. Stairways.
c. Being on stage.

• How many pounds of potatoes would you have to eat to put on 1 pound of weight?
a. 1 lb.
b. 11 lbs. [CORRECT. Provided you laid off the butter, sour cream, and bacon bits.]
c. 111 lbs.

☎ Finish this sentence: “Time and money aside, I would rather be …”

Question: According to “Parenting Magazine”, Dad is way quicker than Mom when it comes to THIS.
Answer: Changing a diaper.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re about normal.

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