Thursday, September 4, 2014        Edition: #5298

Sheet For Brains!

★ Get ready for a Brangelina stampede at your local newsstand. Wedding photos from the surprise August 23rd nuptials between Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie are in the September 15th issue of “People” magazine, which went on sale yesterday. According to the mag, Jolie’s dress was put together by Luigi Massi, master tailor at Versace. “Hello!” magazine also has access to wedding pics. It’s cover shows Brangelina smooching, presumably right after the ‘you may now kiss the bride’ moment. It’s not clear what, if anything, each mag paid for photo rights.
– “Page Six”
★ Jennifer Lawrence’s attorney is locked in a battle with a porn website over the copyright to those naked pics of the actress leaked online over the weekend. Since the leak, Lawrence’s lawyer has successfully managed to encourage several websites to remove the pictures under threat of legal action, but one site is refusing. Their argument: Not all the pictures were taken by Lawrence, so whoever snapped the shots owns the copyright. They’re demanding either proof of the actress’ rights or the name of the photographer.
★ 33-year-old workaholic Nick Cannon may be experiencing marital troubles with Mariah Carey, but that doesn’t seem to be slowing down the prolific entertainer. Scholastic has announced it will publish an illustrated poetry book for children written by Cannon in March. “Neon Aliens Ate My Homework and Other Poems” will include comedic and more serious poems as well as illustrations from street artists and by Cannon himself. His previously announced children’s book, “Roc & Roe’s Twelve Days of Christmas”, will hit bookshelves in November.
– “USA Today”
★ The Walt Disney Co is taking legal action against EDM DJ Deadmau5, claiming his signature headgear and logo bears a striking resemblance to its iconic cartoon character ‘Mickey Mouse’. Deadmau5 (real name Joel Zimmerman) applied for a US trademark last year to cover a wide range of products including electronic equipment, toys, and sporting goods. Disney claims approval of the application will damage the company’s business worldwide. If that’s true, you’d think they would have fought his previous trademarks … in 30 other countries.

• “Arsenio Hall” (syndicated) – Future (“Honest”). Rerun.
• Bestival (Isle of Wight UK) – The 10th annual 4-day music festival at Robin Hill Country Park features performances by Beck, Chic f/Nile Rodgers, Disclosure, Foals, London Grammar, OutKast, Sam Smith and oodles more. This year’s theme is ‘Desert Island Disco’.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – David Gray (“Mutineers”).
• “Daily Show With Jon Stewart” (Comedy Central/CTV) – Adam Levine (Maroon 5, who’ll tour the world in 2015 in support of their new album “V” starting February 16th in Dallas TX).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Hunter Hayes (“Storyline”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The Growlers (“Chinese Fountain”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/Omni1) – Alt-J (“This Is All Yours”, out September 22nd).
• “LeAnn & Eddie” (VH1) – Celeb couple LeAnn Rimes & Eddie Cibrian’s reality TV show wraps up … mercifully.
• “Live With Kelly & Michael” (syndicated/CTV) – Counting Crows (“Somewhere Under Wonderland”).
• “NFL Kickoff 2014” (NBC) – Super Bowl champs Seattle Seahawks host Green Bay Packers to start the new football season. Soundgarden headlines a free concert, part of which airs on NFL Network; Pharrell Williams performs outside of CenturyLink Field pre-game; Ariana Grande sings the anthem just ahead of kick-off.
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Jeezy f/Future (“Seen It All: The Autobiography”). Jeezy has pleaded not guilty to possessing an illegal assault weapon in that recent backstage shooting incident. He’s free on $1 million bail and due back in court tomorrow.
• Toronto International Film Festival (Toronto ON) – The 38th edition of TIFF, as its widely known, is screening 393 films from 79 countries during its 11-day run; and features a celeb-packed guest list, including Bill Murray, Denzel Washington, Kate Winslet, Kristen Wiig, Steve Carell, and Tina Fey, plus a world premiere of “Roger Waters’ The Wall”. David Dobkin’s legal drama “The Judge”, starring Robert Downey Jr & Robert Duvall, opens this year’s festival.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Nico & Vinz (“The Magic Soup & The Bittersweet Faces”). Rerun.

• Carrie Underwood – Just days after announcing she’s expecting her 1st child, she’s found out she’s nominated for ‘Female Vocalist Of the Year’ at the CMA Awards, along with Kacey Musgraves, Martina McBride, Miranda Lambert, and Taylor Swift. Underwood & Brad Paisley co-host the awards gala in Nashville TN on November 5th.
• Garth Brooks – His new release, “People Loving People”, is his first single since “More Than a Memory” in 2007.
• Jason Aldean – He’s releasing his 6th studio album, “Old Boots, New Dirt”, on October 7th.
• Luke Bryan – For the 3rd time in a year, he’s taken a tumble off stage, this time during a “That’s My Kinda Night” show in Noblesville IN. The problem? The stage is configured a bit differently according to each venue’s requirements. Quote: “Hell, I gotta just pay more attention.”
• Michael Jackson – Today a petition is scheduled to be heard in court on behalf of 36-year-old James Safechuck, who’s claiming he was abused by Jackson nearly 100 times over a 4-year period while he was a pre-teen. The Jackson estate insists the claim should be dismissed as it’s been more than 20 years since the incidents supposedly happened.
• Taylor Swift – She’s joining NBC-TV’s “The Voice” as an advisor for all 4 teams during the upcoming 7th season, similar to the mentoring role that Chris Martin had last season. “The Voice” premieres on September 22nd.
• Twenty One Pilots – Tonight their “Quiet Is Violent” North American headlining tour gets underway with the 1st of a pair of outdoor homecoming shows in Columbus OH. The trek runs through October 19th in Houston TX.
• Usher – It’s been announced his “UR Experience” North American tour will hit 27 cities, beginning November 1st in Montréal QC.

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “By the Sea” – Brad Pitt is in Malta to shoot this WWII film with new wife Angelina Jolie, who writes & directs what will be their first collaboration since 2005’s “Mr & Mrs Smith”, where their off-screen romance began. Brangelina have rented out villas for everyone working on the film, setting them back a reported $230,000.
• “Freeheld” – Julianne Moore & Ellen Page co-star in the true-life story of a terminally ill New Jersey police detective who wants to leave pension benefits to her life partner so she can afford to keep their house. When the plan is turned down, they fight for a Domestic Partnership Act, to allow pension benefits for domestic partners of all public employees. Steve Carell co-stars.
• “Inferno” – 58-year-old Tom Hanks is set to return in the much-anticipated new film based on the 3rd book in author Dan Brown’s ‘Robert Langdon’ series, following “The Da Vinci Code” and “Angels & Demons”. Filmmaker Ron Howard is scheduled to begin principal photography on location in Italy in April of next year.
• “Knights Of The Roundtable: King Arthur” – “Sons of Anarchy” star Charlie Hunnam is in final negotiations to play the titular role in director Guy Ritchie’s upcoming medieval movie. The role will reunite Hunnam with his “Pacific Rim” co-star “Idris Elba”, who has already been tapped to play a knight named ‘Bedivere’, who trains ‘Arthur’ for battle.
• “Zoolander 2” – 22-year-old model Cara Delevingne is in talks to co-star opposite Ben Stiller in this upcoming comedy that’s set to go into production within a few months. However, Cara isn’t the only model being considered; her close friend Suki Waterhouse is also said to have a shot at a role. So far, the sequel to the 2001 film is still in development.

This may seem hard to believe, but drinking coffee before a 20-minute nap could make you more alert. That’s because caffeine takes 20 minutes to kick in, so a power nap just after drinking coffee can help boost your energy level afterward. Studies in both Japan and at UK’s Loughborough University say that so-called ‘coffee naps’ can also improve memory. This is because coffee binds to receptors normally filled by a similarly-shaped molecule called adenosine, which is responsible for tiredness and slows nerve cell activity. But when caffeine locks to the receptors instead, it speeds up the nerve cells. (Coffee before bedtime however is still a dumb idea.)

• Could your next car run on gut bacteria? Researchers at Imperial College London have found a way to use the bacteria E coli, often the cause of diarrhea in humans, to help generate propane gas. By adding 3 enzymes to the bacteria, butyric acid can be extracted, a foul-smelling compound essential for propane production. Although they have only produced tiny amounts so far, they have proven ready for use in an engine straight away. The scientists claim larger scale production is possible in 5-to-10 years. Don’t get too excited yet … in order to be feasible, the process needs to be made 1,000% more efficient.
• A new experimental sports car called the ‘Quant e-Sportlimousine’ has been designed to reach 217 mph (350 km/hr) using nothing but … saltwater. The 920 HP car uses a saltwater flow cell system to power 4 electric motors. The water passes through a membrane in its tanks to create an electric charge. The two 200-liter water tanks can provide a range of 373 miles (600 km). The vehicle, which can accelerate from 0-to-60 mph in just 2.8 seconds, has just been approved for EU roads. The downside … each vehicle may cost more than $1.5 million.
– @MailOnline

Banded mongooses try less hard at motherhood after bringing up their first-born. (Don’t we all.)
– “Smithsonian”


1960 [54] Kim Thayil, Seattle WA, alt-rock guitarist (Soundgarden-“Been Away Too Long”, “Black Hole Sun”)

1980 [34] Max Greenfield, Dobbs Ferry NY, TV actor (‘Schmidt’ on “New Girl” since 2011)

1981 [33] Beyoncé (Knowles-Carter), Houston TX, pop singer (“Single Ladies”, Destiny’s Child-“Lose My Breath”)/wed to rapper Jay Z since 2008

1981 [33] Tom Gossin, Utica NY, country singer-guitarist (Gloriana-“Can’t Shake You”, “Kissed You Good Night”)

1982 [32] Whitney Cummings, Washington DC, stand-up comedian/TV screenwriter (co-creator of “2 Broke Girls”)/TV actress (“Whitney” 2011-13)

1986 [28] Neyla Pekarek, Denver CO, indie music multi-instrumentalist (The Lumineers-“Stubborn Love”, “Ho Hey”)

• “Google Commemoration Day”, honoring the 1998 founding of Google Inc by 2 students at Stanford University, Sergey Brin & Lawrence Page, whose headquarters were located in a friend’s garage in Menlo Park, California.

• “Macadamia Nut Day”, saluting the yummy nut first found in the rainforests of eastern Australia thousands of years ago by aboriginals. Though they can be toxic to dogs, they are super nutritious for humans.

• “Newspaper Carrier Day”, celebrating the anniversary of the 1st recorded ‘news boy’, 10 year-old Barney Flaherty, who began hawking the “New York Sun” 181 years ago in 1833.

2009 [05] “American Idiot”, the stage musical version of Green Day’s 2004 concept album, debuts at the Berkeley Repertory Theatre in Berkeley, California (later hits Broadway in NYC)

2002 [12] The 1st “American Idol” competition on FOX-TV is won by Kelly Clarkson, a 20-year-old cocktail waitress from Texas

2011 [03] For the 1st time in more than 45 years, the Labor Day weekend Muscular Dystrophy Association Telethon airs without host Jerry Lewis (the 6-hour telecast raises over $61 million anyway)

1982 [32] 8,659 dancers form the world record ‘Longest Conga Line’ in London UK

[Fri] “The Identical” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] Boston Calling begins (Boston MA)
[Sat] Riot Fest begins (Toronto ON)
[Sat] LouFest begins (St Louis MO)
[Sun] “Boardwalk Empire” final season debut (HBO)
[Sun] “Canadian Country Music Association Awards” (CBC)
This Week Is … Waffle Week
This Month Is … Children’s Good Manners Month


• “The New Meryl Streep Movie That Will Get Her Nominated”
• “That Preview You Saw Where That Guy From That Show Cries and Tries to Act”
• “The One No One on Earth But the Studio Marketing Team Thinks Will Get Nominated”
• “The Cancer/AIDS/Slavery One”
• “Another One Not Directed By a Deserving Female Director”
• “That Book Your Wife Read”
• “Supposed to Be Good But You Know You’ll Never See It”
• “That Foreign Guy With the Unpronounceable Name Everyone Loves Directed This”
• “Everyone Says This is Great But No One Can Tell You What It’s Actually About”
• “Great Inspiring True Story About Someone Who Was Way Uglier Than the Actor Playing Him”
– Thanks to Scott Rothman

☎ What is the most interesting interaction you have ever had with a homeless person?

✗ You’re blocking my view! (Um, I am the view.)
✗ “You’re so tall!” (No. Way. Are you serious?)
✗ “How tall ARE you?!?” (How short are you?)
✗ “How’s the weather up there?” (OMG, you are so funny!)
✗ “Do you play basketball?” (You clearly have never seen me play sports.)
✗ “How do you find pants long enough?” (Actually it’s a real damn struggle.)
✗ “Are you a model?” (Yeah, a model citizen.)
✗ “Your legs are so long!” (Wait, really? I’d never noticed.)
✗ “Must be hard to wear heels!” (No, but apparently it’s hard to display manners.)
✗ “You make me feel short!” (That’s because you are, peewee.)
✗ “You should stand in the back for this picture.” (OK, it’s better than making me kneel in front like some insensitive photographers do.)
✗ “Do you have to shop at Long Tall Sally?” (Don’t. Ever. Bring. That. Up. Again.)
– Adapted from

A person who illegally exports sheep is called which?
a. A ‘wooler’.
b. A ‘ewer’.
c. An ‘owler’. [CORRECT. But makes zero sense.]
– “Quite Interesting”

My wife is mad at me. I told her she had a run in her nylons … she wasn’t wearing any.

Question: The average length of THESE is 50% shorter than 10 years ago.
Answer: Phone calls.

Life is like a doughnut. You’re either in the dough or in the hole.

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