Friday, September 4, 2015        Edition: #5531

Sheet For Brains!

★ This week viewers of “Celebrity Big Brother” in the UK watched veteran supermodel Janice Dickinson have a fit … literally. The 60-year-old former catwalk star collapsed during a ‘diary room’ segment of the reality TV show while she was asking to be brought medicine to treat an allergic reaction to a bee sting. She was taken to a local hospital for treatment and, after 3 hours of medical care, returned to the “Big Brother” house.
★ 4-time Super Bowl champ Tom Brady’s 6-year marriage to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen may be on the rocks due to the embattled New England Patriots QB’s tumultuous off-season. The so-called ‘Deflategate’ controversy has been consuming Brady’s attention and an insider says he’s become ‘nasty and irritable’. The marriage is said to have deteriorated to the point where Bundchen has contacted a divorce lawyer. It’s unclear if Brady will start the season after being suspended 4 games by the NFL. The case remains before the courts.
★ And 2-time Oscar-winning actress Cate Blanchett has reportedly been cast as 1950s TV sweetheart Lucille Ball in an upcoming biopic produced by the late comedian’s children, Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr. The screenplay is being written by Aaron Sorkin (“The Social Network”). The movie focuses on Ball’s 20-year marriage to Cuban bandleader Desi Arnaz  from 1940-1960 and the TV sitcom they created together, “I Love Lucy”. (An Australian playing Lucy? They got some ‘splainin’ to do!)

• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC/CityTV) – Tonight 11 acts perform for the judges. Rerun.
• Bumbershoot (Seattle WA) – Saturday the 45th annual 3-day Labor Day Weekend music & arts festival gets underway with a lineup that includes Chance the Rapper, Ellie Goulding, Faith No More, Hozier, The Weeknd, Zedd and dozens more.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Today Kanye West (“FourFiveSeconds”); Sam Smith (“In the Lonely Hour”). Rerun.
• “Good Morning America” (ABC) – Today Florida Georgia Line (“Anything Goes”) performs live.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tonight Andy Grammer (“Good to Be Alive”); “MTV Video Music Awards” host Miley Cyrus. Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight Tennis (“Ritual in Repeat”). Rerun.
• “Late Late Show With James Corden” (CBS/M3) – Tonight Elle King (“Love Stuff”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV) – Tonight MS MR (“How Does It Feel”). Rerun.
• Made In America Festival (Philadelphia PA) – Saturday-Sunday the annual Jay Z-curated  outdoor event on Benjamin Franklin Parkway features Beyoncé, Big Sean, Death Cab For Cutie, J Cole, Meek Mill, Modest Mouse, The Weeknd and lots more. A new ‘TIDAL Stage’ highlights up-and-coming artists.
• “Meredith Vieira Show” (syndicated) – Today Darius Rucker (“Southern Style”). Rerun.
• “Queen Latifah” (syndicated) – Today Jamie Foxx (“Hollywood: A Story Of a Dozen Roses”). Rerun.
• Sonic Boom (Edmonton AB) / X-Fest (Calgary AB) – Saturday-Sunday these 2 Alberta alternative music festivals share a lineup that features Brandon Flowers, Ellie Goulding, Hozier, Kongos, Tokyo Police Club, TV On the Radio and many others.
• “Today” (NBC): This morning Brad Paisley (“Moonshine In the Trunk”).
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Florida Georgia Line again.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Today R&B veteran Charlie Wilson (The Gap Band).
• “Wendy Williams” (syndicated) – Today Brandy Norwood (“Two Eleven”). Rerun.

• Against Me! – Today’s live album release from the Florida punk rockers is titled “23 Live Sex Acts”. The double-album features songs from across their entire career.
• Avril Lavigne – Her Instagram announcement that she’s split with 4-year husband Chad Kroeger of Nickelback comes just days after her previous husband Deryck Whibley tied the knot. The Sum 41 singer exchanged vows with fiancée Ariana Cooper last Sunday in LA.
• Black Keys – Today guitarist/vocalist Dan Auerbach and his side project, The Arcs, release an album called “Yours, Dreamily”. Auerbach says, “This project was about making music with some of my longest relationships in music.” A Fall tour begins September 9th in NYC.
• Brad Paisley – He’s headlining the Country Nation College Tour which welcomes students back to campus at some of America’s biggest schools. The trek starts Sunday at Virginia Tech University, with additional stops next week at Texas, Baylor, and Arkansas. Also on the bill: Eric Paslay, Pat Green, and Raging Idiots on select dates.
• The Faces – The 1970s band is reuniting for a one-off charity show on Saturday. Rod Stewart, Ronnie Wood, and Kenney Jones are headlining Rock ‘n Horsepower at Hurtwood Park Polo Club in Surrey, England. The event supports the organization Prostate Cancer UK.
• Five Finger Death Punch – The rockers’ new album “Got Your Six” is released today. Frontman Ivan Moody promises it’s their best one yet.
• Foo Fighters – They’re beginning a series of rescheduled European shows that were postponed by Dave Grohl’s stage accident. Saturday-Sunday they play England’s Milton Keynes National Bowl with special guest Iggy Pop. Tuesday they’re in Edinburgh, Scotland.
• Iron Maiden – Today “The Book Of Souls” is out, their first new release in 5 years and the first double album of their career. There are only 11 tracks but they are incredibly lengthy. The closing track “Empire Of the Clouds”, for instance, runs 18 minutes.
• Tanya Tucker – This weekend she joins a celebration of the 1970s as part of Labor Day weekend events at South Carolina’s Darlington Raceway. She’ll also perform the anthem for Sunday’s Bojangles’ Southern 500 NASCAR Sprint Cup stock car race (live on NBC-TV).
• U2 – Bono says his chances of playing guitar again are ”not looking good”.The U2 frontman suffered multiple fractures on his face, arm, shoulder, and left hand after falling off his bicycle last November, and 2 of his fingers remain numb.

• “Before We Go” ( PG-13 Romantic Dramedy ): Chris Evans (“Captain America”) makes his directorial debut with this story about a pair of strangers stuck in NYC who grow into trusted confidants as a night of unexpected adventure takes place. The events  forces them to confront their fears and take control of their lives. Co-stars Alice Eve, Scott Evans.
• “The Transporter Refueled” ( PG-13 Action Thriller ): In the south of France, a former special-ops mercenary enters into a game of lethal chess with a femme-fatale and her 3 sidekicks who are looking for revenge against a sinister Russian kingpin. Stars Ed Skrein (taking over the lead role from Jason Statham from 3 previous “Transporter” films 2002-08).

Making oneself presentable in the 1800s wasn’t always pretty. Some of the more questionable ingredients people turned to in an effort to look and/or smell better …
✗ Arsenic – Tablets were commonly used to treat acne in the 1890s. Fortunately, the recommended dosage wasn’t potent enough to do actual harm.
✗ Bear Grease – “The Toilette of Health, Beauty & Fashion” (1834) recommended it for ‘hair health’ and eliminating the dreaded ‘scalp scurf’. Alternatives: Beef Marrow, Fresh Butter.
✗ Horseradish – Homemade freckle-remover recipes were common. One from 1891 requires horseradish to stand in a cup of cold sour milk for 12 hours, then be applied 2 or 3 times a day.
✗ Mustache Retainer – Countless Victorian men strapped wood frames to their faces at night in order to keep their mustaches in shape.
✗ Spermaceti – This waxy substance found in the cranial cavity of the sperm whale was an essential ingredient in homemade cold creams and lip salves.
✗ Twigs & Table Salt – The choice of many for cleaning teeth before toothbrushes & toothpaste came along.
✗ Urine – Some working class families unable to afford soap used it to clean dirty clothes. (Uh, how’s this work on diapers?)
– Condensed from

How long does it take for the average person to understand a punchline? Believe it or not, researchers at Texas A&M University have actually tested that out by registering the reaction time taken by a cross-section of study participants. The average time taken to process a one-line joke (aka to ‘get it’) was 450 milliseconds … just under a half-second. (If you tell [traffic reporter] a joke, you need an egg timer.)
– PA News

The most memorable love scenes in the movies, according to a new poll of 2,000+ adults by VouchersCodePro …
5. Jamie Dornan & Dakota Johnson … “50 Shades of Grey” (2015).
4. Leonardo Di Caprio & Kate Winslet … “Titanic” (1997).
3. Jake Gyllenhaal & Heath Ledger … “Brokeback Mountain” (2005).
2. Ryan Gosling & Rachel McAdams … “The Notebook” (2004).
1. Natalie Portman & Mila Kunis … “Black Swan” (2010).
– Bang Showbiz

Cancer kills 50% of pets over the age of 10. (Thanks goodness your dog’s a non-smoker.)


1960 [55] Kim Thayil, Seattle WA, alt-rock guitarist (Soundgarden-“Been Away Too Long”, “Black Hole Sun”)

1975 [40] Mark Ronson, London UK, DJ/musician (w/Bruno Mars-“Uptown Funk”)/music producer (Adele, Amy Winehouse, Christina Aguilera, etc)

1980 [35] Max Greenfield, Dobbs Ferry NY, TV actor (‘Schmidt’ on “New Girl” since 2011)

1981 [34] Beyoncé (Knowles-Carter), Houston TX, pop singer (“7/11”, Destiny’s Child-“Lose My Breath”)/wed to rapper Jay Z since 2008

1981 [34] Tom Gossin, Utica NY, country singer-guitarist (Gloriana-“Kissed You Good Night”)

1982 [33] Whitney Cummings, Washington DC, stand-up comedian/TV screenwriter (co-creator of “2 Broke Girls”)/TV actress (“Whitney” 2011-13)

1986 [29] Neyla Pekarek, Denver CO, indie music multi-instrumentalist (The Lumineers-“Ho Hey”)

Movie actor Michael Keaton (“Birdman”) is 64; Rock drummer Brad Wilk (Rage Against the Machine/Audioslave) is 47; Movie actress Rose McGowan (“Machete”) is 42; TV actress Carice Van Houten (“Game of Thrones”) is 39; TV actress Kat Graham (“The Vampire Diaries”) is 26.

Rock singer-musician Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) is 72; Comedian/TV host Jeff Foxworthy (“Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?”) is 57; TV personality/movie actress Rosie Perez (“The View”) is 51; Alt-rock vocalist-guitarist William DuVall (Alice in Chains) is 48; R&B singer Macy Gray (“I Try”) is 48; TV/movie actor Idris Elba (“Luther”) is 43; British socialite Pippa Middleton is 32; Pop singer Max George (The Wanted) is 27.

• “Bring Your Manners to Work Day”, an annual reminder that good etiquette eases relationships in the workplace. What does a co-worker do that drives you round the bend? Chew gum, yawn constantly, or just … show up for work?
• “Lazy Moms Day”, a day for hard-working moms to do whatever they want.
• “Macadamia Nut Day”, saluting the yummy nut first found in the rainforests of eastern Australia thousands of years ago by aboriginals. Though they can be toxic to dogs, they are super nutritious for humans.
• “Newspaper Carrier Day”, celebrating the anniversary of the 1st recorded ‘news boy’, 10 year-old Barney Flaherty, who began hawking the “New York Sun” 182 years ago in 1833.
• “World Championship Barbecue Goat Cook-Off” in Brady, Texas. It’s the 42nd annual, featuring some 125 teams trying to get your goat … to taste good.

• “Be Late For Something Day”, sponsored by the Procrastinators’ Club, a day to delay anything you can.
• “Cheese Pizza Day”, celebrating the favorite order of cheapskates everywhere.
• “International Bacon Day”, the 15th annual on the Saturday before Labor Day that involves creating dishes containing bacon, including breakfasts, lunches, dinners, desserts, and drinks. Participants are encouraged to chant ‘Bacon is a vegetable!’
• “National Buffalo Chicken Wing Festival” in Buffalo NY, an annual 2-day celebration of the local delicacy, highlighted by a series of Wing Eating Championships.

• “Fight Procrastination Day – Do It! Day”, a backlash to yesterday’s “Be Late For Something Day”.
• “Fathers Day” in Australia and New Zealand, celebrated on the 1st Sunday in September.
• “Read a Book Day”, one of the highlights of “International Literacy Week”.

2006 [08] Steve Irwin, wildlife expert and host of “The Crocodile Hunter” wildlife TV series, dies in Batt Reef, Australia of a stingray barb (“Crikey!”)

2014 [01] Comedian, actress, and TV host Joan Rivers dies in NYC at age 81 after complications from a minor throat procedure at an outpatient clinic (daughter Melissa Rivers has since filed a malpractice suit)

2002 [13] The debut “American Idol” competition on FOX-TV is won by Kelly Clarkson, a 20-year-old cocktail waitress from Texas

2009 [06] “American Idiot”, the stage musical version of Green Day’s 2004 concept album, debuts at the Berkeley Repertory Theatre in Berkeley, California (later hits Broadway in NYC)

1995 [20] Online auction site ‘eBay’ is founded in San Jose, California by French-born Iranian-American computer programmer Pierre Omidyar (site is originally called ‘AuctionWeb’)

1998 [17] Google Inc is founded as a privately held company by 2 students at Stanford University, Sergey Brin & Lawrence Page, whose headquarters are located in a friend’s garage in Menlo Park, California

2011 [04] Competitive eater Sonya Thomas (‘The Black Widow’) is declared winner of the US Chicken Wing Eating Championship in Buffalo NY after consuming 183 wings in 12 minutes

[Mon] Labor Day (Canada, USA)
[Mon] Salami Day
[Tues] “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” debuts (CBS/Global)
[Tues] “Ellen DeGeneres Show” season debut (syndicated)
[Wed] Queen Elizabeth II surpasses Queen Victoria
[Thurs] 40th Toronto International Film Festival opens (Toronto ON)
This Week Is … Nutrition Week
This Month Is … Children’s Good Manners Month


Bring in a helium balloon from a buck store and try this out …
“Does this look infected to you?”
“I put my jammies on all by myself, mommy!”
“President Donald Trump.”
“I can provide references from my last hospital job.”
“I love you, Mick!”
“Your eyeglasses will be ready in about an hour.”
“Johnny likes bunnies.”

☎ What does your kid absolutely have to have for back-to-school that you never did?

You’ve adopted a pet mosquito. What should you feed it as a regular diet?
a. Blood
b. Nectar [CORRECT. The main food of mosquitoes is actually nectar from flowers. Only female mosquitoes take human blood, and only when they need protein to help them lay their eggs.]
c. Purina Mosquito Chow

I once asked my dad if I was a gifted child, and he said he certainly wouldn’t have paid.

Question: 40% of people who have one of THESE very expensive items, never use it.
Answer: A law degree.

There is nothing more conspicuous than trying to act inconspicuous.

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