Monday, September 5, 2016 – Edition: #5811

Sheet Happens!

We’re taking a (long overdue) late Summer break September 9th-25th inclusive. All accounts are being reimbursed for missed service. “The Bull Sheet” will return September 26th.

★ A new report suggests Sony Pictures is throwing cash at Daniel Craig to return as ‘James Bond’ in 2 more films. It’s said he’s being offered a whopping $150 million. Up to 7 different actors are rumored to be in the running for ‘007’ role, including Idris Elba, Michael Fassbender, and Taylor Swift’s Brit boyfriend, Tom Hiddleston. But 48-year-old Craig is apparently seen as the key for a seamless, safe transition to a new ‘Bond’. And time is of the essence. According to the source, Sony should be announcing any day that the studio is re-upping the distribution rights for the ‘Bond’ series, meaning billions-of-dollars in revenue.
★ It’s not news to tell you that, for decades now, celebrities and paparazzi have worked in close association. Some photo agencies’ entire business models are based on taking ‘candid’ shots of stars which have been entirely set up by the celebs themselves (who then take a cut of the profits the paps make from selling to the media). But paps are said to be irked by the entitled behavior of the new Hollywood set. Not only do modern celebs expect them to pay for their own airfare and hotels, they are demanding ever higher percentages of photo licensing fees. Then, to top it off, the celebs totally trash the snappers in the media, complaining about how they just can’t get any privacy. Their least favorite right now for this? Blake Lively.
★ And a leading music label is set to release a new album created specifically … for cats. “Music for Cats” is being released by Universal Music in October. It’s the first time a major label is releasing an album NOT designed for human listening. It contains 5 combinations of sounds and classical music aimed at calming even the most distressed felines (including “Katey Moss Catwalk” and “Tigerlili & Mimi’s Mewsical”). The album has been composed by David Teie, a scientist and cellist with the National Symphony Orchestra, and has independently already sold more than 10,000 copies through a Kickstarter campaign. Teie claims that formerly abused or feral cats tend to respond best, while some cats enjoy it so much that they wrap themselves around the speaker.
– “The Telegraph”

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Justin Bieber (“Purpose”). Rerun.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Glass Animals (“How to Be a Human Being”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Summer Cannibals (“Full of It”).
• “Late Show With Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global) – Tony Bennett (“The Silver Lining”). Rerun.
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – DJ Khaled (“Major Key”).
• Roast of Rob Lowe (Comedy Central) – In this pre-recorded special, Peyton Manning zings Tom Brady, Jewel goes after Ann Coulter, and everybody piles onto Rob Lowe.
• “So You Think You Can Dance” (FOX/CTV) – The final 4 hopefuls perform for the judges.
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Charlie Puth (“Nine Track Mind”). Rerun.
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Usher (“Hard II Love”). Rerun.
• TV Choice Awards (London UK) – The annual honors from the Brit TV magazine are handed out at The Dorchester Hotel. Tom Hiddleston (“The Night Manager”) leads nominations, followed by Peter Capaldi (“Doctor Who”).
• “Wendy Williams” (syndicated) – Desiigner (“Panda”). Rerun.

• Drake / Kanye West – They keep teasing some sort of new collaboration. Over the weekend, a billboard appeared in Los Angeles CA with the phrase “Calabasas is the new Abu Dhabi” with the logos of Drake’s OVO Sound and West’s GOOD Music at the bottom.
• Eddie Vedder was previously announced as one of the many, many celebrities involved in the revival of “Twin Peaks” set for 2017. Now reports say that he will contribute a solo tune to its soundtrack. “Out of Sand” is a song the Pearl Jam frontman recorded for the group’s Third Man Records special collection. The song made its live debut as part of Vedder’s performance at the recent Ohana Music Festival.
• ELO – The classic rockers’ “Best Of Collection” was #1 in Britain last week with sales under 8,000 units, making it the lowest-selling chart-topper in UK history.

How stupid are the exceedingly rich? Well, they’re now paying upmarket NYC retailer Barney’s $650-a-pair for sneakers that have been pre-dirtied, frayed-laced, banged-up, some even … duct-taped. That must cost extra, since those seem to be sold out. This, even as “Newsweek” reports that charities can’t get rid of the used clothes that are donated and the sheer tonnage of unwanted secondhand apparel is creating an environmental hazard. Since the uber rich want to look chic while looking homeless, they won’t buy authentically banged-up thrift-shop-donated $5 sneakers, preferring to spend hundreds on shoes deliberately demolished by designers. The pre-soiled sneaks are made by Golden Goose, an appropriate company name since the term is defined as ‘something that will continue to make someone very rich’. (One thing for sure: someone’s getting stinking rich off the clean feet of the filthy rich.)

• Peanut Butter & Jelly – You are artistic and adventurous, and you like bringing different people and ideas together. That’s especially true if you prefer the crunchy style of peanut butter. You don’t mind when things get a little messy sometimes.
• Tuna Salad – Your calm, serene outlook has many people looking to you for guidance. You’re a problem solver who doesn’t waste time assigning blame when things go wrong. Just don’t take all those problems on your own narrow shoulders. It’s not always your responsibility.
• Ham & Cheese – You are quiet and reserved, very private and have only a small number of friends but are extremely close to them. You’re fiercely loyal and supportive, but can also be stubborn and have trouble letting go of old ideas.
• Turkey – You’re somewhat shy and rarely volunteer, but once asked, you pitch right in and get the job done. You hate conflict, and tend to back away when things get rough. You’re not much of a risk-taker, but you’re a good parent and provider.
• Club – Generous and big-hearted, you never do anything halfway for yourself or others. You’re creative, innovative and mechanically inclined. But you sometimes make things too complicated. You need to try to relax a little.
• Sub or Hero – Strong-willed and brash, you’re a hard-charging achiever who likes to take risks. You’re a strong leader, but you sometimes forget to check if anyone’s following. You need to learn to listen a little more to the advice of friends and colleagues.
• Bologna – You’re a traditionalist whose tastes are simple and plain. You’re straightforward and direct. You value honesty above all other values. You’re also a little naive, and can sometimes be too trusting.
– “Weekly World News”

Julian De Silva from London’s Centre for Advanced Facial Cosmetic & Plastic Surgery contends these famous facial parts put together would make for the ideal female face …
✓ Eyes … Keira Knightley.
✓ Nose … Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge.
✓ Lips … Penelope Cruz.
✓ Forehead … Miley Cyrus.
✓ Eyebrows … Jennifer Lopez.
✓ Skin … Reese Witherspoon.
✓ Cheeks … Angelina Jolie.
✓ Chin … Selena Gomez.
(What about Amy Schumer’s cheek and Lena Dunham’s lip?)
– “New Zealand Herald”

Steve Jobs’s black turtlenecks were a major part of his personal brand and now fans of the late tech entrepreneur can purchase one. The garment’s front is emblazoned with “NeXT”, the name of the computer company Jobs founded in 1985 after he resigned from Apple Computer. On the back, it reads: “1980s: Personal Computing/ 1990s: Interpersonal Computing”. Julien’s Live, an LA-based celebrity auction house, is selling the turtleneck along with a variety of Jobs’s other possessions, including his keys, watch, wallet, documents, and a leather jacket … with a starting bid of $4,000. The online auction ends September 22nd. (Who needs this stuff? Most of us are already carrying one of his toys around.)

According to a new biography, Donald Trump has filed more than 1,900 lawsuits in the last 30 years. Trump’s wife, Melania, has now joined the ‘family business’ by filing a $150-million suit against “The Daily Mail” and a blogger for saying that she may have been an escort and an illegal alien back in the day.
– “Washington Post” / “Daily News”


1951 [65] Michael Keaton (Douglas), Coraopolis PA, movie actor (“Birdman”, “Minions”) COMING UP: “Spider-Man: Homecoming”, “Beetlejuice 2”.

1968 [48] Brad Wilk, Portland OR, rock drummer (Rage Against the Machine-“Renegades of Funk”, Audioslave-“Be Yourself”)

1973 [43] Rose McGowan, Certaldo, Italy, movie actress (“Machete”, “The Black Dahlia”)/TV actress (‘Josie Acosta’ on “Chosen” since 2014, “Charmed” 2001-06)

1976 [40] Carice Van Houten, Leiderdorp, The Netherlands, TV actress (‘Melisandre of Asshai’ on “Game of Thrones” since 2012)

1989 [27] Kat Graham, Geneva, Switzerland, TV actress (‘Bonnie Bennett’ on “The Vampire Diaries” since 2009)

• “Be Late For Something Day”, sponsored by the Procrastinators’ Club, a day to delay anything you can. So maybe celebrate this tomorrow?

• “Cheese Pizza Day”, saluting the favorite order of cheapskates everywhere.

• “Ganesh Chaturthi”, the annual Indian festival that celebrates the Hindu elephant god ‘Ganesh’. Traditionally, idols decorated with tinsel, paint, and garlands are carried to a large body of water and sunk. Environmentalists are encouraging adherents to move from plaster-of-Paris statuary to biodegradable clay … a suggestion that doesn’t sit well with many.

• “International Day of Charity”, observed annually on September 5th and first declared by the United Nations General Assembly in 2012.

• “Labor Day” in the USA & Canada, a tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our nations. It was inaugurated September 5, 1882 with a NYC parade by the Knights of Labor and became a legal holiday in 1894. In Australia, Labor Day is the 1st Monday in October. In dozens of other countries, May 1st is “International Workers’ Day”, the day of celebration for labor.

2014 [02] Apple Inc announces new security measures after hackers gain access to celebrity iCloud accounts, ie: Jennifer Lawrence’s (Apple denies iCloud security compromises, claiming hackers used ‘other methods’ to gain entry)

2006 [10] Arctic Monkeys win UK’s Mercury Prize for best album of the past year, “Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not”

2008 [08] A Heriot Watt University study of tens-of-thousands of people worldwide concludes that musical taste is closely related to personality type (classical fans are shy; indie fans have low self-esteem; rap fans have high self-esteem and are outgoing; while heavy metal fans are gentle and at ease with themselves)

2014 [02] Country music couple Miranda Lambert & Blake Shelton open a bed & breakfast called The Ladysmith in Tishomingo, Oklahoma (seen in Shelton’s video for “Sangria”)

2006 [10] Katie Couric debuts on the “CBS Evening News”, becoming the 1st female solo anchor of a major evening network TV newscast (Couric earns $15 million per year through 2011, a salary that makes her the highest paid journalist in the world)

[Tues] “Ellen” season premiere (syndicated)
[Tues] Another Look Day
[Wed] Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day
[Wed] Salami Day
[Thurs] 2016 NFL Kickoff (Denver CO)
[Thurs] Toronto Film Festival begins (Toronto ON)

Payroll Week / Self-University Week / Substitute Teacher Appreciation Week / Suicide Prevention Week / Waffle Week


Highlight bits culled from 23 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• No matter how tempting it is, never try to vacuum a sleeping grandparent.
• Do not attempt to change a light bulb while standing on the dog.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words ‘Uh-oh’, it’s already too late.
• No matter how much he enjoys it, never let the gerbil ride the ceiling fan.
• Always wear protective goggles when operating a weed whacker, working with power tools, or teasing your wife.
– First published in “BS” 2002.

• “Recalling Bad Jokes”
• “Guilt Without Sex”
• “Skate Yourself to Regularity”
• “Self-Actualization Through Macrame”
• “Sinus Drainage at Home”
• “The Underachiever’s Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities”
• “Creative Tooth Decay”
• “Gambling Your Way to Prosperity”
• “Molding Your Child’s Behavior Through Guilt & Fear”
• “Creative Suffering”
– First published in “BS” 2001 .

☎ For back to school, can kids have too much tech?

School is where you always try to do your best … except when your friends are watching.

Question: More than half of us would not be willing to do THIS if our partners requested it.
Answer: Become a vegetarian.

Which do ¾ of women say they enjoy about their man, while others think it’s totally disgusting?
a. Chest hair. [CORRECT]
b. Nipple ring.
c. Pot belly.

The better the weather, the less you are required to be out in it. And vice versa.

Lonnie Scott @ Z104 [WMZK] Wausau-Stevens Point WI; Andras Dittmann @ FM7 Network, Eger, Hungary; Kayla Derkach @ 103.9 Juice FM [CJUI] Kelowna BC; Tyler Cooper @ 95.7 The Spin [University of Southern Indiana] Evansville IN; Tonya Cherry @ GX94 [CJGX] Yorkton SK; Terry @ Hot 96 Nairobi, Kenya; Grace @, Newark NJ; George Otu Ayeh @ Ahotor FM Accra, Ghana; and Richard Stratton @ Remix 92 Dubai UAE.

Printer Friendly Version