Wednesday, September 7, 2016 – Edition: #5813

Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

★ In the aftermath of Kelly Ripa’s epic meltdown over former co-host Michael Strahan’s sudden exit from her daytime talk show, the outspoken star has reportedly been promoted to the show’s executive producer. According to Page Six, ABC executives have given 45-year-old Ripa the new gig to make up for Strahan’s dramatic departure to join “Good Morning America” in April. Meantime, a permanent replacement for Strahan on “Live With Kelly” still hasn’t been announced months after the chaos erupted. (Does she really need one?)
★ Reggae singer Sean Paul has criticized Drake and Justin Bieber for appropriating the sound of Jamaican dancehall music. The Grammy-award winning recording artist, whose 2002 album “Dutty Rock” propelled the upbeat, digital reggae dancehall sound into the mainstream, is critical of artists who borrow the sound but don’t acknowledge where the music originated from. Paul singles out chart-topping artists Drake and Justin Bieber as some of the worst offenders, as both have had recent hits – “Controlla” and “Sorry” respectively – which borrow heavily from the musical genre. (Without appropriation everything would sound the same, no?)
★ And Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston are reportedly in ‘crisis mode’. Just 4 months after they got together, reports suggest ‘Hiddleswift’ are on the verge of breaking apart. A source says the A-list couple, who’ve gone on several vacations together and even done the meet-the-parents thing, are headed for doom, with 35-year-old Hiddleston issuing an ultimatum. Word is he’s sick of being treated like a glorified escort and detests being a public laughing stock. They’re scheduled to make their 1st red carpet debut as a couple later this month at the Emmy Awards. (Bets?)

• “American Gothic” (CBS/Global) – Season 1 finalé. A shocking discovery emerges as ‘Alison’ (Juliet Rylance) prepares for the election.
• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC/CityTV) – The results of viewer voting reveal which acts advance to the final.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Declan McKenna (“Paracetamol”). Rerun.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Britney Spears (“Glory”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Bastille (“Wild World”, out Friday).
• “Late Late Show With James Corden” (CBS/CTV) – Clipping (“Splendor & Misery”).
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Vince Staples (“Summertime ’06”).

• The Beatles – Today John Lennon’s classic 1956 Austin Princess car is being auctioned by Sotheby’s in London and is expected to fetch up to $350,000. He bought the vehicle in 1971 and used it in the film “Imagine”. Proceeds go to UNICEF and Make a Wish.
• Beyoncé – She’s postponing tonight’s “Formation World Tour” date in New Jersey so she can take a longer break from performing. Doctors have told her to rest up, so the MetLife Stadium gig is now scheduled to take place in October. Next gig: Saturday in St Louis MO.
• Florida Georgia Line – “HOLY” has now been atop the ‘Billboard Hot Country Songs’ chart for 17 weeks.
• Green Day – They’ve announced a brief North American club tour this Fall in support of the upcoming album “Revolution Radio”. They play a number of smaller venues throughout the US and Canada starting in St Louis MO on September 20th.
• Luke Bryan – His first-ever “Farm Tour” EP will feature 5 songs. “Farm Tour … Here’s To the Farmer” is out September 23rd in advance of his 8th annual “Farm Tour 2016”, running October 5-to-15.
• Robin Thicke – Over 200 recording artists have now thrown support behind the appeal of the controversial “Blurred Lines” court ruling. They’ve filed with a Court of Appeals in support of the bid by Thicke, Pharrell Williams, and TI to overturn the $5.3 million ruling.
• Rolling Stones – Keith Richards is taking over a BBC-TV channel later this month to curate an entire weekend of programming. He’ll hand-pick shows and appear in a new interview as part of “Keith Richards’ Lost Weekend” on BBC 4. Dates have yet to be confirmed.
• Zayn Malik – The former One Direction star pulled out of the Capital FM Summertime Ball in London UK in June due to anxiety over performing live solo, and he’s now axed a show scheduled for October in Dubai UAE for the same reason.

A new UN World Tourism Organization ranking, based on annual visits …
5. Italy – 48.6 million.
4. China – 55.6 million.
3. Spain – 65 million.
2. USA – 74.8 million.
1. France – 83.7 million.
– Condensed from

Before alarm clocks, people were employed to wake up workers … with a long stick. Called a ‘knocker-up’ (or ‘knocker-upper’), they used to be a common sight on the streets of Britain and Ireland in the early 1900s, particularly in the northern mill towns and London, where people worked early shifts. Knocker-uppers tended to use a long, thin pole to rap on upper windows, although soft hammers, rattles, and even pea shooters were also tools of the trade. And there was no snoozing allowed. The knocker-upper wouldn’t move on until the worker appeared at the window to confirm being up and out of bed. The trade largely died out by the 1940s. (Who knocked up the knocker-upper?)

A statistical look at who we are and the things we do …
• 90% of households have a ‘junk drawer’ somewhere.
• 70% of newlyweds say what they miss most about being single is having their own bathroom.
• 56% of kids eat mac & cheese at least twice a month.
• 26% of people say their significant other regularly laughs in their sleep.
• 25% of women admit they often read a book while on vacation, but rarely do at home.
• 13% of people have eaten a dog biscuit … just to try it out.

Cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Grip-Lit’ – A genre of novel that has an exciting psychological storyline. “The Girl On the Train”, for instance.
• ‘Sad Rap’ – A form of slow rap music with emotionally intense lyrics, ie: Immortal Technique’s “Dance With the Devil”.
• ‘Uberization’ – The conversion of existing jobs and services into discrete tasks that can be requested on-demand; the emulation of the Uber taxi service, or the adoption of its business model.

• Bite a lemon.
• Plug your ears while drinking water through a straw.
• Stick out your tongue.
• Bite a pencil and drink water.
(And what’s your secret remedy?)
– “Counsel & Heal Physical Wellness”

You’ve heard of a “New York minute” and a “stone’s throw” but you may not be familiar with these strange units of measurement …
• ‘Sheppey’ – The shortest distance from which sheep can appear picturesque, about ⅞ of a mile. Invented by Douglas Adams, author of the “Hitchhiker’s Guide To the Galaxy” series.
• ‘Garn’ – A measure of space sickness, with 1 garn being the highest level possible. Named after US senator Jake Garn, the first sitting member of US Congress in space.
• ‘Sagan – A measure of quantity equal to ‘billions and billions’ of something. A humorous tribute to famed astronomer and writer Carl Sagan who became famous for the expression.
• ‘Barn’ – A unit of area used in nuclear physics equal to 10−28 square meters. Invented as a code name by physicists working on the WW2 Manhattan Project, and still being used.

✗ “So, when are you going to move out?”
✗ “Have you got a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?”
✗ “You know, when I was your age I had already been married for 2 years.”
✗ “So, what are your future plans?”
✗ “When are you going to buy a house?”
✗ “You’re old enough to do that yourself now.”
✗ “You’re always on your phone.”
✗ “Are you enjoying your job?”
✗ “Are you earning good money?”
✗ “You’re not getting any younger you know.
– “Metro”

• Elephants can’t stand chilli powder.
– “Washington Post”
• Elephant numbers in Africa will halve in 9 years at the current rate of decline.


1951 [65] Julie Kavner, LA CA, really rich TV voice actress (‘Marge Simpson’ on “The Simpsons” since 1989)

1967 [49] Leslie Jones, Memphis TN, TV comic (“Saturday Night Live” since 2014)/movie actress (“Ghostbusters”, “Trainwreck”)/recent victim of racist Twitter attacks

1976 [40] Oliver Hudson, LA CA, TV actor (‘Wes’ on “Scream Queens” since 2015, “Nashville” 2013-15)/son of actress Goldie Hawn/brother of actress Kate Hudson

1987 [29] Evan Rachel Wood, Raleigh NC, TV actress (“True Blood” 2009-11)/movie actress (“Ides of March”, “The Wrestler”) COMING UP: TV series “Westworld”, debuting October 2nd.

• “Salami Day”, started in 2006 by the Salami Appreciation Society to honor the cured Italian sausage that is fermented and air-dried.

• “World ADHD Day”, begun in 2012 to increase awareness that Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder can affect people of every age, gender, IQ, and socioeconomic background. (There are those, however, who claim it’s not a disorder at all … merely undisciplined behavior.)

1986 [30] TV’s “Oprah Winfrey Show” debuts (the beginning of a billionaire)

1996 [20] Tupac Shakur is shot 5 times in Las Vegas while riding in a BMW with Death Row Records founder Marion ‘Suge’ Knight (dies of complications from gunshot wounds 6 days later)

2001 [15] Michael Jackson plays the 1st of 2 concerts at NYC’s Madison Square Garden as part of a 30th anniversary tribute to air on CBS-TV (performers include Britney Spears, ‘N Sync, Slash)

2008 [08] While performing “Morning Glory” at the V Festival in Toronto ON, Noel Gallagher of Oasis suffers a fractured rib when attacked by a concert-goer who rushes the stage and pushes him into his monitor

2010 [06] Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” is named ‘Greatest Lighter-in-the-Air Song of All-Time’ by lighter company Zippo

2007 [09] A new study reveals that rock stars are twice as likely to die early as the rest of us

2013 [03] International Olympic Committee announces Tokyo, Japan has won the bid for the 2020 Summer Olympics

2014 [02] Serena Williams beats Caroline Wozniacki at the US Open, thereby joining Martina Navratilova and Chris Evert with a record 18 Grand Slam singles victories (Serena now has 22 … and counting)

[Thurs] 2016 NFL Kickoff (Denver CO)
[Thurs] Toronto Film Festival begins (Toronto ON)
[Fri] “The Disappointments Room”; “Shut In”; “Sully” open in movie theaters
[Fri] “ACM Honors” (CBS)
[Fri] International Buy a Priest a Beer Day
[Fri] “Stand Up to Cancer Live” (ABC/CBC/CBS/CTV/FOX/Global/NBC)
[Sat] Lollapalooza Berlin begins (Berlin, Germany)
This Week Is … Substitute Teacher Appreciation Week
This Month Is … Backpack Safety Month


• “My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry!”
• “Happy Birthday, Honey! I’m ready to begrudgingly give you your semi-annual opportunity for sex tonight!”
• “Congratulations on what would be your 2nd anniversary had you not married a jackass.”
• “You had your bladder removed and you’re on the mend. Here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.”
• “Happy Daylight Saving Time to my boss! I hope you enjoy the only forward thinking activity you’ll do this year.”
• “During this tough time, I want you to know I’m here for you day or night. Or at least when I’m logged onto Facebook.”
• “Instead of flowers, a phone call, or hospital visit … please enjoy this Post-It note.”
• “This is the last cutesy reminder you’ll get that you owe us money. Next time we shatter your knees.”
• “Congrats, graduate! Here’s hoping your expensive degree gives you an extra edge for the jobs that don’t exist.”
• “To a dear friend … that I can’t make any clearer I don’t want to sleep with.”
• “Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don’t fret about it, she moved in with me!”
• [Discretion] “Honey, when we make love it still gives me a special tingly feeling. And more than just a normal herpes flare up.”

☎ Real life is no “High School Musical”. Which grade in high school was absolutely the worst?

My uncle got a job as a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at [local ballpark].

Which personal problem do about half of all men experience on a daily basis?
a. Shy bladder syndrome.
b. Letting loose a ‘silent-but-deadly’.
c. Suffering a ‘wedgie’. [CORRECT]

Question: Hard to believe, but the average person eats 2,000 of THESE a month.
Answer: French fries.

Life may have no meaning or, even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.

We’re taking a late Summer hiatus September 9th-25th inclusive. All accounts are being credited for missed service. “The Bull Sheet” returns September 26th.

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