Monday, April 14, 2003 Edition: #2518
We always hit the nail right on the thumb!
TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• If you believe “National Enquirer”, Osama Bin Laden has targeted the star-studded “Cannes Film Festival” set to open MAY 14th. The tab says undisclosed ‘intelligence sources’ have confirmed that Al Qaeda plans to take revenge for the war in Iraq with an attack on the world’s most famous film festival. (Even if it’s a load of hooey, you can bet a lot of stars will now cancel their appearances.)
• According to “Star” magazine, Michael Jackson has instructed Neverland Ranch animal handlers to round up all the flamingos every morning and herd them together outside his bedroom window so they’re the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes. We’ll be subjected to even more of this moronic trash APRIL 24th when FOX-TV airs “Michael Jackson’s Private Home Movies”. (I was thinking today that Michael Jackson and I have a couple of things in common – we’re both in show biz and we both haven’t slept with Lisa Marie.)
• “Mirror” reports that Freddie Prinze Jr was so drunk before his wedding to Sarah Michelle Gellar LAST YEAR in Mexico that he almost didn’t make it to the ceremony. “I don’t remember the details,” he admits. He credits his best man for dressing him for the ceremony and then holding him up so he didn’t fall over. (Charming.)
• The war is won, now let’s make money! “Guardian” reports that Sony has patented the phrase ‘Shock and Awe’ for a new computer game. In fact, the company registered the term as a trademark a day after the war in Iraq began.
• “E! Online” reports that the negotiations for Apple Computers to buy Universal Music have secretly been going on for months. The world’s largest record company is expected to fetch upwards of $6 billion. (If it goes through, will we have Apple Records again?)
• Stick-women actresses Penelope Cruz & Charlize Theron apparently worked up a big appetite while shooting “Head in the Clouds” in Montréal. “PeopleNews” reports they were spotted in a local steakhouse ordering a 24-ounce T-bone – each. Voyeurs say nothing was left over but the bones and a side-salad.
• An on-line poll by “Hello!“ Magazine has picked Celine Dion & 26-years-older husband Rene Angelil as the world’s ‘most romantic couple’. Maybe practise makes perfect? He first met her when she was 12!
• And here’s the week’s ‘breaking news’ stories from “Weekly World News” – “Gas Prices Will Fall As Oil Found on Moon!!”, “New Scientific Study Shows Smoking Boosts Your Memory!”, “Teen Buys Nuke Off of The Internet!”, “Saddam Starred in Gay Porn Films!”, “Al Qaeda’s Latest Weapon Of Terror: Your Telephone!”, “Roswell Black Box Reveals Alien Saucer Didn’t Crash!”, and – oh no! – “First Interview With a Talking Fish … Miracle Carp Says the End Is Near!“
LIVING THROUGH A LAYOFF:
A personal finances study shows that about a quarter of us think we could maintain our lifestyles without a source of income for anywhere from 1-2 years. 40% could last for up to 6 months, but about 3% of us wouldn’t last out the week. (The average for radio people – 7 minutes.)
NAME YOUR OWN PRICE:
The Website Re-Code.com is a parody of the Priceline.com ‘name your own price’ shopping site. It invites shoppers to ‘recode your own price’ using the site’s barcode generator. They figure there’s only a 10-digit number standing between you and a better deal on anything that you want in a store. The site’s creators call it satire. Wal-Mart’s legal counsel calls it an incitement to theft and fraud. (We wondered what Winona Ryder was up to these days.)
NET: http://Re-Code.com
IT’S A FREE COUNTRY?
Even though Dixie Chick Natalie Maines has apologized for being disrespectful when saying she was ‘ashamed’ of President Bush, a just-released New Media Strategies poll of 1,200 country music fans shows that 58% are less likely to buy a Dixie Chicks CD now, and 75% of respondents from Texas say they’re embarrassed the group is from their home state. (How’d we ever get this PC? 60s activists must be laughing their butts off.)
KID POWER:
Who’s making the buying decisions in your house? A retail study finds that 45% of the sales of children’s items stem from kids successfully nagging their parents. (The other 55% sell due to children nagging their GRANDPARENTS.)
FOR THE RECORD:
SATURDAY 35-year-old bank executive Jonah Mungoshi of Harare, Zimbabwe set what may be confirmed as a new Guinness World Record for a long-lasting speech – a total of 36 hours, beating the previous 26-hour record set by South African John Trevor Walker. During his largely motivational speech, he was allowed only ‘natural pauses’ of less than 30 seconds and a 15-minute bathroom break every 8 hours. (Between which you cross your legs and hope to die.)
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• TV’s top home makeover show, “Trading Spaces”, receives 4,000 entries from people – daily! (Man, there must be a lot of tacky houses out there!)
• Tall political candidates with short names get elected twice as often as short candidates with long names. (So who should win TODAY in the Québec election – Bernard Landry, Jean Charest or Mario Dumont?)
THE BULL SHEET 04.14.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1935 [68] Loretta Lynn (Webb), Butcher Hollow KY, country legend (“Coal Miner’s Daughter”)/1st woman to earn CMA’s ‘Entertainer of the Year’ award/Country Music Hall of Fame (1988)
1941 [62] Pete Rose, Cincinnati OH, MLB legend who was banned for life in 1989 for gambling (Reds, Phillies, Expos)/MLB record 4,256 career hits/NL record 44-game hitting streak/only player to play in MLB All-Star Game at 5 different positions (1st, 2nd & 3rd bases, right & left fields)
1960 [43] Brad Garrett (Gerstenfeld), Woodland Hills CA, 6-ft, 8.5-in TV actor (2002 Emmy Award as Robert Barone-“Everybody Loves Raymond” [since 1996])/1st “Star Search” $100,000 grand champion winner in the comedy category (1984)
1966 [37] Greg Maddux, San Angelo TX, Cy Young-winning MLB pitcher (Atlanta Braves)
1967 [36] Jeff Finley, Edmonton AB, NHL defenceman (St Louis Blues)
1977 [26] Sarah Michelle Gellar, NYC, former TV actress (Buffy Summers-“Buffy the Vampire Slayer” 1997-2003)/movie actress (“Scooby-Doo”, “Cruel Intentions”, “Scream 2″)/Mrs Freddie Prinze Jr UP NEXT: The sequel “Scooby 2″, coming in 2004.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Québec] Election Day
TODAY is “Titanic Disaster Anniversary”. Shortly before midnight on April 14, 1912 the ship collided with an iceberg causing it to sink at 2:20am on April 15th. (A tragedy, true. But for director James Cameron, who’s just released his SECOND movie about it, “Ghosts of the Abyss”, it’s a reason to celebrate several-hundred million in the bank!)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1828 [175] 1st edition of “Webster’s Dictionary” (If Webster wrote the 1st dictionary, where did he find the words?)
1910 [93] 1st US President to throw out ceremonial first pitch of MLB season (William Howard Taft) FACTOID: Also during the 1910 season, the 300-lb Taft started another tradition by standing up in the middle of the 7th inning of a game in Pittsburgh because he was uncomfortable. The crowd thought he was leaving and also stood out of respect. Then the big guy sat down and so did the fans. Thus was born the ‘7th-Inning Stretch’!
1969 [34] 29,184 fans watch the Montréal Expos play their 1st home game at Jarry Park and beat the Cardinals 8-7
1974 [29] Cult game “Dungeons & Dragons” is invented
1980 [23] 1st music video marketed to public (Gary Numan-“The Touring Principle”)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1924 [79] World record snowfall in 24 hours falls in Silver Lake, Colorado – 6-ft, 4-ins!
1996 [07] Detroit Red Wings complete winningest season in NHL history with 62 victories
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Tax Day USA
[Wed] Stress Awareness Day
[Thurs] Canadian Equality Day
[Fri] Good Friday
[Sat] Garlic Day
[Sun] Easter
[Apr 30] Canadian Income Tax deadline
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Infant Immunization Week
Reading is Fun Week
Families Laughing Through Stories Week
National Credit Union Week
Consumer Awareness Week
National Explore Your Career Options Week
Organ Tissue Donor Awareness Week
Bike Safety Week
Crime Victims Rights Week
Lefty Awareness Week
Bubblegum Week
National Coin Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
WHAT YOUR FAVORITE RESTAURANT TYPE SAYS ABOUT YOU:
• Italian – You are the ‘Superman’ or ‘Superwoman’ of your household: housekeeper, chauffeur, cook and psychologist. So while you take care of everyone else, you forget to take care of yourself. Eating is how you sooth your soul and Italian food is especially comforting to you.
• Roadhouse/Bar & Grill – Your evening isn’t complete unless you’re lounging on your couch, watching TV and snacking at the same time. It’s no wonder that weight keeps creeping on. You’re also likely to have a job where you are chained to your desk all day or in front of a computer.
• Oriental (Chinese/Japanese/Thai/Asian) – You usually skip breakfast and nibble on salads for lunch. Then the minute you get home from work, your stomach goes into overdrive and you’re ready to raid the refrigerator all night.
• Fast Food – Food is everywhere for you: samples at the supermarket, donuts by the office coffee machine, brownies at the PTA meeting. As an impulsive eater, it’s almost impossible to resist another handful of your co-worker’s jellybeans.
• Seafood – It seems like you’ve been on a diet your whole life, but it hasn’t gotten you anywhere. As you begin each new quick fix, you can hardly wait for the diet to end. But this on-again, off-again mentality actually keeps the weight on, because you don’t end up changing any of your bad eating habits after your diet ends.
• Pizza – You like pizza so much it should be your astrological sign. You have never been a fan of serious vegetables like broccoli. You tell yourself pizza is the perfect food since it has vegetables … sort of. If a pizza place is your favorite restaurant, you’re also a sucker for sweets, but you eat them in secret. Chocolate is hard to say no to.
• Expensive & Fancy – When you eat out with other people, it’s easy to exercise self-control. But when you’re home alone, you’re prone to eat everything in sight. Pretending to be a food saint in front of others isn’t easy, so it’s no wonder you go crazy when no one else is around.
• Hole-in-the-Wall Diner/24-Hour Truck Stop – Your life is over-scheduled to the max, so you end up quickly gulping down something because you’re always on the run. You take your coffee with sugar and cream, and your afternoon pick-me-up comes from a vending machine.
BS TRIVIA:
Q: How long does the average shower last?
A: Most people guess about 10 minutes. Teenage girls figure they take at least 15. But the actual average shower lasts – just 4 minutes!
Source: “Ladies’ Home Journal”
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Which old cartoon or TV show would you like to see return?”
• “What’s the stupidest thing you and your spouse have argued about?”
• “What’s the weirdest thing you’ve had stolen from your home, work or car?”
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• I’ve accumulated all the money I’ll ever need … if I die by 4 o’clock this afternoon.
• I had some great stuff prepared for this morning, but then Iraqis looted all my jokes.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: In a recent survey, 14% of men admit that they have never, ever done THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Changed the toilet paper roll.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
Welcome to our newest “BS” subscriber, Margie Olivarez @ MAGIC 93.7 Lubbock TX, and this week’s samplers that include Susan McLachlan @ KFCC Houston TX, Lowell Takles @ WMGR Bainbridge GA, and Larry Cann @ CQFM Bundaberg, Australia. Remember, we bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each and every new BS subscriber you refer!
