Friday, April 11, 2003        Edition: #2517
Bully For You!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY the $255-million-grossing “Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets”, 2nd film in the ‘Potter’ series, is out on DVD in a 2-disc package that includes no less than 19 additional and extended scenes (do we really wanna see all the stuff that was so crappy they edited it out?) . . . TODAY a verdict is due in the $750,000 lawsuit launched by Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas against UK tabloid “Hello!” for publishing ‘illegal’ photos of their 2000 wedding (like these two need the money!) . . . TODAY is the 2nd “Urban Hip-Hop Summit”, organized by rap mogul Russell Simmons in Atlanta, to be followed by the “Hip-Hop Lives Concert” Saturday & Sunday (http://www.urbanhiphopmusicfest.com) . . . Now that Madonna’s anti-war video has been shelved, Warner Bros is refusing to pay the $600,000 production tab and word has it she’s so mad she may bolt the label . . . Newlyweds Russell Crowe & Danielle Spencer have spent circa $14 million on an ultra-modern waterfront apartment in Sydney, reportedly that town’s most expensive digs . . . “Us Weekly” reports that 36-year-old actor John Cusack & 41-year-old actress Meg Ryan have been an item for 5 months, first meeting while doing voices for the 1997 animated movie “Anastasia” (Meg, you cradle robber!) . . . Mariah Carey says she’s been celibate by choice since splitting up with Latin singer Luis Miguel almost 2 years ago, because – most guys don’t want to know her ‘as a person’ (or maybe avoid her because they do!) . . . And the MAY issue of “Details” magazine claims that Tobey Maguire, Matt Dillon, Colin Farrell & Johnny Depp are among actors who are notorious for the size of their … er, equipment (would that mean big or small?).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Only one wide release this week – Adam Sandler & Jack Nicholson star in the comedy “Anger Management” as a mild-mannered businessman sent to court-ordered anger therapy after a misunderstanding on an airplane and his wacked-out psychiatrist (look for oodles of cameos by celebrities, including former tennis madman John McEnroe & NY Yankee pitcher Roger Clemens) . . . In limited release – “Titanic” director James Cameron’s documentary “Ghosts of the Abyss” explores the real vessel and mixes in re-enactments of events that took place on the doomed ship . . . In the crime drama “Better Luck Tomorrow”, Parry Shen plays an overachieving high-school student who relieves the stress of trying to be perfect by committing random crimes with his pals . . . The horror film “House of 1000 Corpses”, written and directed by rock musician Rob Zombie, follows a group of teens who take refuge in an old, abandoned house after their car breaks down (thereby breaking rule #1 of how to survive a horror movie) and, not surprisingly, get sucked into a bizarre world of murder and mayhem.

PEANUTS, POPCORN, COLADAS!
THIS WEEKEND the Montréal Expos (now run by the National League) begin a series of baseball ‘home games’ in San Juan, Puerto Rico. They’ll play the NY Mets TONIGHT-Monday, Atlanta (April 15-17) and Cincinnati (April 18-20). Along with the warm weather (and a full stadium), there’s another difference ‘Spos fans will spot while watching the games – vendors will have 33,000 pina coladas available for each game in San Juan stadium. (Get ready for a drunken riot!)

GUILT TRIP:
Here’s another attempt by the recording industry to strike guilt into the hearts of dastardly digital downloaders around-the-world. According to new stats from the International Federation of the Phonographic Industry, worldwide music sales fell 7.2% LAST YEAR from the year before. But we don’t need to start a tag day or anything – total sales still topped $32 billion.

WORLDWIDE BS:
• A Serbian holiday spa is offering to settle bills in all manner of different ways, often taking payment in goods instead of cash. The 220-room complex south of Belgrade has accepted payment in eggs, lamb, fruits and vegetables, and recently – coffins! A casket company paid for employee vacations by sending the hotel 50 of them. (Man, those double beds sure got smaller didn’t they?)
• A Mannheim, Germany man on the make made a massive mistake. The object of his affection was surprised when she fished out what she thought was her suitor’s phone number dropped in her cleavage. Turned out it wasn’t a note after all – it was his dentures, a plate with 3 false teeth attached!
• In London ENG, a 12-week-old puppy named Jake is back to normal just 24 hours after an operation to remove – a kitchen knife nearly the length of its body! X-rays revealed the knife’s handle at the base of Jake’s pelvis and the point at the top of his throat. (Reminds me of that date I had … oh never mind.)
• In China, people are digging up skeletons to use in – soup. Police believe remains being stolen from graves in Hangzhou are being used to make a traditional remedy called ‘ghost soup’ which locals believe cures a range of ailments. (Like overeating, for instance.)
• In an unfortunate example of really bad timing as the SARS epidemic rages in the Orient, magazine ads booked long ago by the Hong Kong Tourism Board are now promoting it as a vacation destination that will – quote – ‘take your breath away’. The ads will be pulled as quickly as possible. Oops!
• Remember ‘Dolly the sheep’, the first cloned mammal back in 1996? Her stuffed carcass will be unveiled TODAY at the “Edinburgh International Science Festival”, which runs through April 22. Once a landmark scientific achievement, Dolly (who died in FEBRUARY) is now destined to be a tourist attraction at Edinburgh’s Royal Museum.

BS AMAZING FACT:
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning!

THE BULL SHEET 04.11.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1957 [46] John Castellanos, La Mesa CA, TV soap actor (John Silva-“The Young & the Restless”, since 1989)

1964 [39] Steve Azar, Greenville MS, country singer (“Waitin’ On Joe”, “Damn The Money”, “I Don’t Have To Be Me [‘Til Monday]”)

1970 [33] Trevor Linden, Medicine Hat AB, 6’-4″ 220-lb NHL center (Vancouver Canucks)

1976 [27] Kelvim Escobar, La Guaria VEN, MLB closer (Toronto Blue Jays)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [57] Ed O’Neill, Youngstown OH, TV actor (Sgt Joe Friday-“Dragnet”, Al Bundy-“Married … With Children” 1987-97)

1947 [56] David Letterman, Indianapolis IN, TV host (“Late Show with David Letterman” since 1993, “Late Night with David Letterman” 1982-1993)/shingles survivor/TV producer (his Worldwide Pants TV production company also produces “The Late, Late Show”, “Everybody Loves Raymond” and “Ed”)

1947 [56] Tom Clancy, Baltimore MD, top-selling author whose books are turned into movies (“Sum of All Fears”, “Clear & Present Danger”, “Patriot Games”)/reportedly worth circa $200 million/co-owner of Baltimore Orioles MLB team

1956 [47] Andy Garcia (Andrés Arturo García Menéndez), Havana CUB, movie actor (“Basic”, “Ocean’s Eleven”, “The Untouchables”)

1957 [46] Vince Gill, Norman OK, country star (“Let’s Make Sure We Kiss Goodbye”, “Go Rest High on That Mountain”)/5 Grammy Awards/Mr Amy Grant since 2000

1978 [25] Guy Berryman, Fife SCOT, rock bassist (Coldplay-“Clocks”, “In My Place”)/3 Grammy Awards

1979 [24] Claire Danes, NYC, movie actress (“The Hours”, “The Rainmaker”, “Romeo & Juliet”)/Yale University grad  UP NEXT: “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines”, opening JULY 2nd.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY more than 12,000 players on over 500 teams will compete to answer 8 questions every hour for 54 hours straight at the annual “World’s Largest Trivia Contest” in Stevens Point WI.

TODAY is “8-Track Tape Day”, a time for nostalgic memories of the old cartridge tape format. Get listeners to flip through their dusty tapes and call in some of the weirder titles.

TODAY is “Barbershop Quartet Day”, honoring the 1938 founding of SPEBSQSA (“Society for the Preservation and Encouragement of Barber Shop Quartet Singing in America”, in Tulsa OK. So altogether now – hummmm.

THIS WEEKEND is the 15th annual “Roll in the Grits” contest in St George SC, ‘Grits Capital of the World’. Participants roll around in a swimming pool full of grits, trying to collect as much as possible on their body. Last year’s winner won the $250 prize for somehow accumulating 57 lbs of the stuff!

THIS MONTH is “Knuckles Down Month”, honoring the great old game of ‘marbles’. The earliest marbles ever found was a set of rounded, semi-precious stones buried with an Egyptian child in 3000 BC. The use of marbles developed independently in virtually every ancient culture – they’ve been found in North American earthen mounds and the Zulus played a form of marbles golf. Japan developed the ‘cat’s-eye’ marble (with crossed color bands inside a clear globe) in the early 1950s – and dominated the market until US manufacturers were able to copy the process.

SUNDAY is “Scrabble Day”, honoring one of the world’s most popular games on the birthday of its inventor, Alfred Butts, a jobless architect who came up with the idea during the Depression. For many years, Butts received a royalty of 3 cents per set. “One-third went to taxes. I gave one-third away, and the other third enabled me to have an enjoyable life,” he once said. By the way, there are 100 letter tiles and 225 squares on a standard game board.

SUNDAY through Tuesday is the 3-day Thai New Year festival called “Songkran”. The celebrations start with people chasing each other down the street with buckets of water, a symbolic call for good rains ahead of the rice-planting season. But the custom has evolved into boisterous water fights including vicious water pistol attacks, so high-powered water guns have been banned throughout Thailand ahead of this year’s festivities.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1882 [121] 1st ‘Block Clock’, an alarm clock mounted over the bed that, at a set time, drops 2 dozen wood blocks on the sleeper (funny, it never catches on)

1989 [14] 1st NHL playoff goal by a goalie (Ron Hextall-Philadelphia Flyers)

1997 [06] Actor Tony Randall becomes a father for the 1st time at age 77

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1996 [07] Greg Norman shoots 63 at Masters Golf Championship to tie lowest-ever round in a major tournament

AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] Good Friday
[Sat] Teens Against Zits Day
[Sat] “Soap Opera Digest Awards”
[Sat] 16th “Kids Choice Awards”
[Sun] Palm Sunday
[Mon] Québec election
[Wed] Passover begins at sundown
[Thurs] Canadian Equality Day
This Week Is . . . Building Safety Week (watch out for that falling – agghhhhh!) / Garden Week (unless you’ve got a brown thumb)
This Month Is . . . Holy Humor Month (now there’s an idea – religion with a sense of humor) / Pet First Aid Awareness Month (“I don’t wanna give Stinky CPR. YOU give Stinky CPR!”)

BULL’S BITS . . .
IT WASN’T ME:
Actual statements found on insurance forms in which drivers attempt to summarize details of an accident in the fewest possible words –
• “The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it’s intention.”
• “A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
• “A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.”
• “I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.”
• ”To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.”
• “My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”
• “An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.”
• “I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.”
• ”I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”
• “The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.”
• “I saw a slow moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.”
• “The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• My dog is almost human, but I sure wish he wouldn’t howl in the shower.
• [Local government] has announced that this morning’s ‘Pothole Alert Level’ is orange.
• Last night on TV I watched a bunch of men in uniform waving white flags and surrendering. No it wasn’t war coverage, just [losing hockey team].

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: We know that SARS has become one of the most contagious, but THIS is the most common NON-contagious disease in the world.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Tooth decay.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Alimony is the screwing you get for the screwing you got.