Monday, April 17, 2000                                               Edition:  #1787

Today is officially “Law Day” in Canada, a day set aside by the Canadian Bar Association to commemorate our Charter of Rights & Freedoms.
• The average Canadian lawyer earns $75,200. That’s 146% more than the average Canadian earns, but lawyers work significantly longer hours for their pay, according to “Law Times”. (Aww!)
• There are some 57,680 lawyers in Canada according to the most recent census, 30% of them women.
YOU KNOW YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER WHEN . . .
• He tells you that his last good case was Labatt’s Blue.
• The prosecutors see who your lawyer is and high-five each other.
• Begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said . . .”
• Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?”
• Whenever her objection is overruled, she tells the judge, “Whatever”.

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “E! Online” notes that the first issue of Oprah Winfrey’s new magazine for women called “O” (what close friends call her) hits newsstands today. It’s described as a “personal growth guide inspired by Oprah’s approach to life”. (Which is world media domination.)
• Even though they’ve separated, Tommy Lee still calls Pamela Anderson for phone sex, claims “National Enquirer”. (Like they know.)
• “Globe” says “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” host Regis Philbin wears magnetic insoles in his shoes to get rid of foot pain, believing the so-called ‘magnet therapy’ draws all the ill out of your body. (By repelling Kathie Lee.)
• “Star” claims “Oscar-winner Kevin Spacey is HAPPY about persistent rumors that he’s gay because it actually helps his sex life Seems women think they can ‘cure’ him and he’s pleased to let them try. (Note to self – start rumor . . .)
• “Playbill Online” says Kevin Costner wants to play the lead in a Broadway musical he’s producing called “My Cuba”. (Costner singing? Is he still trying to find a role that’ll make “Waterworld” seem good by comparison?)

MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!
Hey guys, if you want to get a raise at work, act more like a woman! Employment experts say modern bosses are looking for more ‘gentle, feminine qualities’ in employees, not the aggressive, dog-eat-dog approach that has traditionally been synonymous with climbing the corporate ladder. (However, the experts also advise anyone named ‘Gus’ to stop short of showing up for work in a little black shift accessorized with pearls.)

WOULDN’T THE FLOWERS WILTING GIVE YOU A CLUE?
A Japanese company is marketing a new gadget called the ‘Iki-Iki’ sensor, commonly called ‘The Stinky Breath Detector’. You just blow into a tube attached to the $150 Breathalyzer and it beeps loudly if yours stinks.

RESTROOM RESEARCH:
A new University of Arizona study of public washrooms finds that, when it comes to bacteria, women’s are twice as bad as men’s, perhaps because they bring children along (including little ‘Bad Aim Johnny’).

THE BULL SHEET 04.17.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1937    [63] Daffy Duck, Hollywood CA, wacky cartoon duck (debuts in “Porky’s Duck Hunt”) FACTOID: Walt Disney’s first cartoon creation was a character called ‘Oswald the Rabbit’.
1937    [63] Elmer Fudd, Hollywood CA, speech-challenged cartoon character (debuts in “Egghead”) “Why you wascally wabbit!”
    1961     [39] Norman Julius “Boomer” Esiason Jr, West Islip NY, unemployed TV sportscaster (ex-ABC Monday Night Football/ex-NFL QB (NY Jets, Cincinnati Bengals)
1964    [36] Ken Daneyko, Windsor ON, NHL defenceman (NJ Devils)
1966    [34] Lela Rochon, LA CA, movie actress (Any Given Sunday, Waiting to Exhale) NOTE: Word is she’s about to replace “Ally McBeal” cast member Lisa Nicole Carson who’s reportedly suffering from mental illness
1972    [28] Keith Lyle, Washington DC, NFL safety (Super Bowl champ St Louis Rams)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
It’s “National Cheeseball Day” (in honor of [your co-host]).

In today’s 104th “Boston Marathon”, Danalyn Adams Scharf of Dover NH is hoping to become the first woman heart transplant patient to complete a marathon.

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1996    Britain’s Prince Andrew and Sarah “Fergie” Ferguson divorce
1996    Brian Mulroney’s $50-million libel suit vs federal government over Airbus kickback allegations settled out-of-court
1997    New Jersey Devil Martin Brodeur becomes 2nd goalie in NHL history to score a playoff goal (joining Philadelphia’s Ron Hextall)
1998    Linda McCartney dies of breast cancer at 56 (Santa Barbara CA)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1869     [131] 1st ‘pro’ baseball game (Cincinnati Reds 24, Cincinnati Amateurs 15)
1970     [30] Paul McCartney’s 1st solo LP, “McCartney”, is released
1994    [06] 1st NHLer with 2,500 points (who else? Wayne Gretzky)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] International Jugglers Day
[Tues] Pet Owners Independence Day
[Wed] NBA regular season ends
[Wed] Garlic Day
National Organize Your Files Week
International Work Life Enrichment Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
SERIAL KILLER COMPLAINTS ABOUT “AMERICAN PSYCHO”:
• Having killer wear “I’m with next victim” T-shirts removed all suspense.
• Actor’s portrayal of a psycho was worse than Sandra Bullock’s portrayal of someone in rehab.
• Leaves out the just-as-good Canadian and Finnish psychos.
• Never matched the correct wine with the victim.
• Watched movie 6 times — still can’t spot Hitchcock.

THE LAST WORD:
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a ‘brief’.