Friday, August 10, 2001 Edition: #2108
I found a way to keep that new car smell. Every week I buy a new car!
BEDTIME PRAYER FOR WOMEN:
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep.
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One whose equipment is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call he won’t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Who knows the right answer to ‘How big’s my behind?’
One who’ll make love till my body’s atwitchin’,
In the hall, the bath, backyard and kitchen!
I pray that this man loves me to no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the shithead [jerk] you sent me instead!
(Thanks to Krista Brindal@Sea FM)
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
49-year-old Ottawa-born Dan Aykroyd is considering retiring telling the “Globe & Mail”, ‘I’d like to exit on a really high, graceful, substantial note in film’ (um, isn’t he signed up for that Britney Spears bio-trash film?) . . . Jennifer Lopez tells “Glamour” magazine she likes to eat breakfast in the nude saying, ‘The people around me are either girls or they’re gay, so it doesn’t matter’ . . . WWF champ Chyna (Joanie Laurer) has officially left wrestling for an acting career (wait a sec, isn’t wrestling an ‘acting career’?) . . . Ellen DeGeneres has a new sitcom coming THIS FALL and now her former partner Anne Heche has signed to star in her own sitcom beginning NEXT YEAR (they’ll be fighting again over who’s on top) . . . HBO has launched an online auction of fashions from its hit comedy series “Sex and the City”, including clothes worn on the show by Sarah Jessica Parker and co-stars (anytime I’ve watched, they weren’t wearing any!) . . . Aging funksters Earth Wind & Fire are kicking off a North American tour NEXT MONTH to be sponsored by – Viagra (hey when you’re older, touring is long and hard).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Jason Biggs, Shannon Elizabeth, Mena Suvari and Chris Klein offer up seconds to the summer of ‘99’s gross-out comedy hit in “American Pie 2″ . . . “Osmosis Jones”, a mixed live action-animation comedy about a duel between a white blood cell and a lethal virus inside Bill Murray’s body . . . Nicole Kidman stars in the thriller “The Others”, a ghost story with oodles of twists and turns (Tom Cruise was an executive producer, so now that the divorce is final he’ll be splitting his profits with her) . . . And the family adventure “Spy Kids” received such rave reviews when it came out in MARCH, it’s being re-released in ‘Special Edition’ form with some extra footage.
THE WEEKEND’S GREATEST GARAGE SALE:
In terms of variety, perhaps the biggest auction in history is being held THIS WEEKEND in Brunei as assets of Prince Jefri, estranged brother of the mega-rich Sultan of Brunei, go under the gavel. The prince’s failed business empire Amedeo Development Corp went bankrupt 3 years ago, leaving $16 BILLION in debt. Among the items up for grabs – hundreds of refrigerators, several unused fire engines, recording studios and – a whole mess of gold-plated toilet paper holders. Like all big-time movers and shakers who go bust, the prince is doing alright – he’s now shacked up in homes in London and Paris. (On the other end of the scale, our weekend garage sale will feature 3 lava lamps and a busted crutch.)
BEDTIME BARITONES:
When it comes to hearing bedtime stories, deep male tones are preferred by both children and adults, according to a new survey in the “London Observer”. Women’s voices are often perceived as less likely to aid restful sleep. (When it comes to singing lullabies, however, “I want Mommy!”)
BEATS A CAR TRIP:
Microsoft co-founder and billionaire Paul Allen has rented the entire luxury cruise ship ‘Seven Seas Navigator’ for a little vacation later THIS MONTH. Invited guests the likes of Paul McCartney and Dan Aykroyd will have the chance to join him for 4 days of fun in St Petersburg, Russia that will include helicopter rides, tall ship cruises and target practice with old KGB weapons like the AK-47 assault rifle. Estimated cost of this little jaunt — over $9 million! (In comparison, I spent $6.95 on my vacation this year – a 6-pack in the backyard.)
WHAT WOMEN WATCH:
What do women notice first when they look at a guy? According to one survey . . .
• His face (56%)
• His chest (21%)
• His eyes (12%)
• His tush (8%)
• His legs (3%)
(Liars! You know you check the size of his feet first.)
LOOSEN YOUR LEVIS:
Here’s yet another thing to worry about — tight jeans are dangerous! It might be stylish to squeeze into skin-tight jeans, but doctors say you could pay a painful price later. Wearing snug jeans puts pressure on the cutaneous nerve which runs from the lower spinal cord to the thigh. That can cause inflammation and extreme pain. (I once got ‘inflammation’ from skin-tight jeans – on Angelina Jolie.)
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• When zoo-keepers at Chessington World of Adventures Zoo in England recently showed video clips from “Planet of the Apes” to gorillas, it caused them to beat their chests in excitement. (I did the same thing while watching “Tomb Raider”.)
• A chicken has been born on a farm in Belgium with 4 legs. The 2 extras, about half the size of normal legs, hang beside her tail. (Cool, EVERYBODY gets a drumstick.)
• The ‘Canine Communicator’, a new gadget to help dog owners understand their pooch’s emotions has been developed in Japan. It consists of a miniature microphone which is attached to the dog collar which transmits sounds to a palm-sized console that uses a 200-word vocabulary to explain a dog’s emotions, ie: “I feel lonely”, “Play with me more”. (And when it detects the rustling of a pant leg, “I’m horny!”)
BS AMAZING FACT:
There are over 325,000 Websites devoted to ‘teddy bears’, at least one selling teddies made from mink!
THE BULL SHEET 08.10.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1949 [52] Gene Johnson, Jamestown NY, country singer (Diamond Rio-“One More Day”)
1959 [42] Rosanna Arquette, NYC, movie actress (“Whole Nine Yards”, “Pulp Fiction”)/lived in Europe with Peter Gabriel from 1992-98/sister of actors David Arquette & Patricia Arquette
1960 [41] Antonio Banderas, Malaga SPA, movie actor (“Original Sin”, “Spy Kids”, “The Mask of Zorro”, “Philadelphia”)/Mr Melanie Griffith
1972 [29] Angie Harmon, Dallas TX, TV actress (Assistant DA Abbie Carmichael-“Law & Order”) who’s just left the show for a movie career/married NY Giant football player Jason Sehorn in JUNE
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAY . . .
1944 [57] Alexa McDonough, Ottawa ON, federal NDP leader
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National S’Mores Day” celebrating one of our favorite campfire treats. Here’s the complicated directions – toast marshmallows over campfire, then place them on graham cracker with piece of chocolate. Take second graham cracker and smush it on top. Inhale.
SUNDAY is “Middle Children’s Day”, to salute middle-born children whose childhood activities were limited by always being ‘too young’ or ‘too old’. (Hey, life’s tough.)
MONDAY is “International Lefthanders Day”, saluting all lefties, and recognizing their needs and frustrations. Ask about peculiar problems that southpaws encounter. (Lotsa lefty facts and trivia in Monday’s BS!)
PHONER: 785-234-2177 (Lefthanders International-Topeka KS)
PHONER: 800-818-9616 (Southpaw Enterprises-Nelson BC)
NET: http://www.southpaw.bc.ca
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1889 [112] 1st ‘screw cap’ (bad manners – you should always remove your hast)
1876 [125] 1st ‘long distance call’ (Alexander Graham Bell calls Paris ON from Brantford ON)
1985 [16] 1st solo album by female artist to sell 5 million copies (Madonna’s “Like a Virgin”)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Today] Lazy Day (“I am like a slug . . .”)
[Sat] National Kool-Aid Day (Don’t drink the purple.)
[Mon] National Relaxation Day (Much different from ‘Lazy Day’, isn’t it?)
[Tues] National Financial Awareness Day (Oh look! I’m broke again!)
National Pamper Yourself Week (Something to do with self-diapering?)
National Eye Exam Month (You know, those eye charts with the big ‘F’ on top? Oh, it’s an ‘E’?)
BULL’S BITS . . .
IT’S ‘FESS UP FRIDAY’:
“What have you done this week that’s left you ashamed, embarrassed or feeling guilty?”
BS CANADIAN LAWS STILL ON THE BOOKS:
• In British Columbia, it is illegal to kill a Sasquatch.
• According to the law, you may not swear in French in Montréal.
• In Beaconsfield QC, it’s an offense to have more than 2 colors of paint on your house.
• In Toronto, you can not drag a dead horse down Yonge Street . . . on a Sunday.
• The city of Guelph ON is officially designated a ‘no-pee zone’.
• An archaic law in New Brunswick decrees that driving on roads is not allowed. (Can you putt?)
WEB GOODIES:
• Pissed off by something somebody said? Curse them with a creative new curse from the ‘Random Curse Generator’ – http://www.certifiedbitches.com/curses.html
• If you’re looking for a truly goofy name to use for a character or a listing of actual weird place names, here’s the site — http://www.funnynames.com
BS TAG LINE:
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
BULLMAIL@THEBULLSHEET.COM:
• “I would just like to say that out of all the radio prep sites that I’ve sampled yours is without doubt the BEST! I will be subscribing if it’s this good all the time.”
— Rob.Charles @ Century FM, Manchester UK
[Hey Rob, get ready to ‘shed some pounds’.]
• “Enjoying and utilizing your stuff regularly. Thanks for helping us become #1 in adults, men AND women 25-54 in breakfast — and it’s Canadian.”
– Aaron Rand @ Q92 FM Montréal
[No probs, Aaron. Amazing what a buck-and-a-half-a-day can do, eh?]
