Thursday, August 9, 2001 Edition: #2107
Today is sort of an anniversary for me. It’s the 5th year of my 3-month trial.
Most of North America has been experiencing a major heat wave over the past few weeks. In fact – it’s SOOOOOO hot that . . .
• You’ve learned that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
• You shave 10 minutes off the morning commute by cooking breakfast on your dashboard.
• At the mall, the best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance.
• Birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
• Hot water now comes out of both taps.
• Farmers are feeding chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
• You can only use 2 fingers to ride your bike.
• Cows are giving evaporated milk.
• Ice Cube has legally changed his name to ‘Wet Spot’.
• Kids are using asphalt instead of Play-doh.
• Fire hydrants are actually thanking dogs.
• You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow it.
• Death toll climbs each time some jerk asks, “Hot enough for ya?”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Seems Canadian jazz vocalist Diana Krall has a celebrity groupie — none other than Dustin Hoffman, who has been calling her regularly and sending flowers & gifts, but at her recent Hollywood Bowl concert, he was denied access backstage anyway . . . Limp Bizkit has recorded a cover version of Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s controversial gay anthem “Relax”, which will be featured in the upcoming Ben Stiller movie “Zoolander” . . . Madonna changes costumes 18 times during her “Drowned World Tour” concerts yet despite being the mother of two, she’s reportedly NEVER changed a diaper! . . . Word is Michael Douglas is so happy with wife Catherine Zeta-Jones he’s torn up the pre-nup agreement they signed when they wed last November, meaning a divorce could now cost him upwards of $75 million!
MOVIES IN THE WORKS:
“Fast and Furious” star Vin Diesel has a $10-million deal to star in “XXX”, described as an ‘extreme James Bond action film with a hip-hop flair’ . . . “Rush Hour 2″ star Jackie Chan is in talks to star in an update of comedian Jerry Lewis’s 1960 comedy “The Bellboy”, which will be set in the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas . . . Even though TV sitcom “That’s My Bush” has been canceled, “South Park” dudes Matt Stone and Trey Parker are planning to take it to the bigscreen, with a plot that involving a certain dim-witted prez foiling a Chinese invasion . . . Vince Vaughn (“The Cell”) and Ben Stiller are planning to co-star in a film version of the vintage TV detective show “Starsky & Hutch”, with Vaughn playing David Soul’s character ‘Hutch’ and Stiller in the role of ‘Starsky’, made famous by Paul Michael Glasser.
WHO KNOWS THE WORDS ANYWAY?
A new “Globe & Mail”/CTV poll finds an overwhelming 77% of English-speaking Canadians are against changing our national anthem’s lyrics from ‘in all thy sons command’ to ‘in all of us command’ or ‘in all of our command’, as suggested by a women’s group. But here’s the BS . . .
ALL-INCLUSIVE VERSION OF “O CANADA”:
O Canada, our adopted place of rest
Warm tender thoughts in all your folks suggest
With glowing hearts from our nuclear plants
We are north of U-S-A
And from there to here there’s a gap in beer
We won’t drink their swill, no way!
Please Father Jean make our lives more tax-free
I am Canadian, I can not run drug-free
We’re Canada, we keep the peace for a fee.
DENTAL DEVELOPMENTS:
• An enterprising dentist has developed a do-it-yourself dentistry kit for people who lose a filling or crown while away from home. ‘Dentanurse: First Aid for Teeth’ contains an adaptable mirror and two pastes which are mixed together to patch things up until the patient can get to a dentist. (I have my own kit — a bottle of 100-proof brandy, 3 feet of string and a doorknob.)
• Crest Toothpaste and Wrigley’s are teaming up to produce a chewing gum that will also clean teeth. While several brands of gum already claim dental benefits, none has received the seal of approval from the American Dental Association. (But then, why would an association of dentists be interested in PREVENTING dental problems?)
WHAT’S IN A FACE:
If you believe the ancient Eastern principles of ‘Siang Mien’ or face reading, you can find out the deepest truths about your mind and spirit just by looking in the mirror. For instance, a face that is slightly longer than wide is an indication that the person is strong-willed and has an aggressive nature. Large ears mean generosity. Having a narrow nose means you possess trail-blazing ability. And people with voluptuous lips have hedonistic tendencies. (Would any of this apply to Prince Charles?)
ALL EARS:
British scientist Deborah Withington of Leeds University has developed a NOISE to help catch criminals. Due to its rich mixture of frequencies, it’s virtually impossible for someone who hears the sound not to turn and face it. Used in conjunction with a security camera, even the most disciplined criminal will be lured into giving a nice clear shot of his face. In tests, volunteers reacted without even knowing they were doing it. (And here is the sound – [clip from higfh-pitched chorus of Mariah Carey’s “Heartbreaker”].)
THE BULL SHEET 08.09.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [59] David Steinberg, Winnipeg MB, comedian/TV actor (currently appears in Global TV series “Big Sound”)/TV director (“Mad About You”, “Seinfeld”)
1957 [44] Melanie Griffith, NYC, movie actress (“Milk Money”, “Working Girl”)/Mrs Antonio Banderas/divorced Don Johnson – twice
1963 [38] Whitney Houston, East Orange NJ, pop singer (“It’s Not Right But It’s OK”, “Heartbreak Hotel”)/movie actress (“Waiting to Exhale”, “The Bodyguard”)/Mrs Bobby Brown
1968 [33] Gillian Anderson, Chicago IL, TV actress (Dr Dana Sculley-“The X Files”)
1970 [30] Arion Salazar, Oakland CA, rock musician (Third Eye Blind-“Jumper”, “How’s It Gnna Be”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the UN’s “International Day of Indigenous People”. But is there really such a thing? Weren’t all people originally wanderers?
SUNDAY is “Middle Children’s Day”, to salute middle-born children whose childhood activities were limited by always being ‘too young’ or ‘too old’. A good excuse to ask listeners who are middle children to call your recording line and tell their tales of woe. Pick the best whiners and lay some sadsack violin music in the background when you play them back Monday.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1944 [57] ‘Smokey Bear’ (not Smokey THE Bear) 1st introduced by US Forest Service (original name — ‘Hot Foot Teddy’) “Remember only YOU can prevent forest fires!”
1955 [46] 1st “Guinness Book of World Records” published
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1930 [71] Canadian sprinter Percy Williams sets world record in 100-meter dash at 10.33 seconds
1986 [15] David Childs sets ‘inside loop’ record for airplanes with 2,368 of them (hurl!!)
1988 [13] NHL’s Edmonton Oilers trade Wayne Gretzky to LA Kings for then-record $15 million, 2 players and 3 first-round draft picks
1999 [02] 5 grand slams are hit, most in a single day in 129 years of MLB
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Lazy Day
[Mon] International Lefthanders Day
[Aug 20] National Radio Day
National Smile Week
National Golf Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
COOLEST SEATS IN THE HOUSE:
Here’s a cool way to give away concert tickets during the heat of summer. A New Zealand radio station had contestants compete to see who could sit on a block of ice the longest. But take precautions to avoid their mistakes – while 6 out of 10 contestants were still sitting on ice after 4 hours, 3 suffered frozen butts and mild hypothermia. The winner gets ‘The Coolest Seats In The House’, backstage passes, a chance to sleep with the headliner, etc.
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “In what unusual way have you lost or destroyed your mobile phone?” (An insurance company study finds the most popular way of breaking a phone is dropping it in water. Other insurance claims: buried in concrete, grilled on BBQ, run over by vehicle, dropped from scaffolding, dropped down gutter, run over by train and flushed down toilet.)
• “If you’re car pooling, call in and tell us what weird stuff the driver has in the glove compartment. Any weird tapes or CDs in there?”
BS TRIVIA:
Q: When she first appeared on the movie screen 71 years ago TODAY (1930), many were scandalized by her risque attitude and her trademark mini-skirt and garter. Who was she?
A: It was the cartoon character ‘Betty Boop’, who made her debut in “Dizzy Dishes”. In later versions, her skirt became longer and the garter disappeared.
BS TAG LINE: Only by pressing the limits do you ever find them.
