Monday, August 6, 2001 Edition: #2104
Zee Bull, He is Back!
What a great job! Where else can you clip your toenails at work?
THE BS REAL MAN’S CODE OF CONDUCT:
• Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
• It is only OK for a man to cry after wrecking the boss’s car, when a heroic dog dies saving its master, when Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse, or when your date is using her teeth.
• The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time — 6 minutes.
• No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. Even remembering a bud’s birthday is optional.
• A man can never fight naked, unless he’s in prison.
• On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops.
• Any man who brings a camera to a stag may be legally killed by fellow partygoers.
• When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
• Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
• If you complement a guy on his 6-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
• Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• UK’s “Sun” tabloid notes Nicole Kidman showed up in a see-through black outfit for the weekend premiere of her new film “The Others” in NYC and used the occasion to take a swipe at estranged hubby Tom Cruise’s diminutive height by saying, “I can wear high heels now.” (Meow!) By the way, their divorce becomes official this WEDNESDAY.
• PageSix.com reports Madonna is expected to be healthy enough to perform at TONIGHT’S scheduled concert in Boston after cancelling her sold-out Friday show in New Jersey due to laryngitis. (The first time she’s ever had trouble swallowing.)
• “E! Online” reveals Ben Affleck is being treated for alcohol abuse at the same Malibu rehab facility as Paula Poundstone. (Apparently his drinking binge lasted almost as long as “Pearl Harbor”.)
• London’s “Sunday People” tab says Brad Pitt has shelled out $175,000 to rent EVERY villa on a secluded island in the Seychelles for a week to make sure his vacation with wife Jennifer Aniston remains private. (In related news, Seychelles Helicopter Service is reporting record profits this month.)
• “National Enquirer” claims Mariah Carey has been dumped by boyfriend Luis Miguel for cheating — with Eminem! And if you believe “Star”, Mariah was so distraught over the split with her Latin lover she was hospitalized in a mental ward after running from a hotel room spattered with blood and screaming, “I can’t take it anymore!” (Ironically, the same thing I scream listening to her albums.)
• “NY Post” says Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in London is beefing up security around Aussie supermodel Elle Macpherson’s waxwork statue because visitors keep fondling the figurine! The $57,000 dummy was just added to the collection LAST WEEK and has already overtaken model Naomi Campbell as ‘most groped’. (The record for ‘most bags placed over a head’ is held by Camilla Parker Bowles.)
WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THIS?
UK insurer Goodfellows has now sold over 50,000 policies that compensate victims in the event they are abducted — by aliens. The $150-policies offer $1.5 million coverage against abduction or IMPREGNATION by aliens. But good luck making a claim! You’ll need to present photographic or visual evidence, pass a lie detector test, and have a reliable 3rd-party witness. So far they’ve raked in some $7.5 million and paid out — zip!
BUG OFF:
American Biophysics Corp is marketing a new ‘Mosquito Magnet’, an $800 device that uses platinum to lure mosquitoes to it, then sucks them inside with a vacuum. Meantime, US government entomologist Dan Kline has developed a much cheaper skitter catcher — a homemade gizmo that uses dirty socks to attract them and carbon dioxide to end their pesky little lives. ([Your co-host] can eradicate every living thing within a square mile simply by removing his Nikes.)
COLORFUL CONDIMENT:
After selling some 10 million bottles of its icky green ketchup, Heinz will begin selling a new purple-colored ketchup early NEXT MONTH. Why? Spokesperson Ananova.Casey Keller says thousands of consumers contacted the company asking for another innovative color, with the vast majority of kids asking for purple. (One good thing about it — it camouflages the veins in hot dogs.)
GET A HANGOVER & A BRAIN FREEZE AT THE SAME TIME:
A Connecticut company has come up with the first ‘beer flavored ice cream’. (For those who demand authenticity, the ‘morning after’ version comes interspersed with cigarette butts.)
A FAREWELL TO ARMS:
Italian designers have created a shirt made of fabric which contracts when the temperature rises. When the wearer gets hot, it automatically rolls up its sleeves! (Perfect for my lazy brother-in-law when there’s work to do on the cottage.)
SQUEALER PHONE:
A Taiwanese supplier says most inquiries about its new ‘spy phone’ have been made by wives wanting to keep track of husbands while they’re away on business. The hi-tech mobile phones use an imbedded computer chip to pick up sounds and voices when they’re contacted with a special code. Cost? About $1300. (Wives could keep tabs a lot cheaper — most husbands’ cheating would only require ‘short message service’.)
TAKE AWAY THEIR PARENTING LICENCE:
A New York couple is asking for $500,000 on two Internet auction sites for the rights to name their unborn child. Jason Black and Frances Schroeder are hoping to get an offer from a large corporation looking for a marketing gimmick. So far, thank god, no takers. (People just call me AOL for short.)
FOR THE RECORD:
• Dirk Auer of Leipzig, Germany is claiming a world record for high speed inline skating after clinging to the back of a high-powered motorcycle which reached 169 mph. The high-speed stunt at a race track in Klettwitz actually melted the wheels on his roller blades. (Which he pawned off at his weekend garage sale as scuba fins.)
• 30-year-old Seshu Babu has set a national record in India by standing still for 24 hours and 1 minute, earning him a place in the “Limca Book of Records”, Indian equivalent of the “Guinness Book of Records”. He apparently stood so still during the stunt that onlookers in New Delhi mistook him for a statue. (The international record is held by Kevin Costner in “Thirteen Days”.)
THE BULL SHEET 08.06.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1970 [31] M Night (Manoj Nelliyattu) Shyamalan, Pondicherry INDIA, red-hot movie director (“’Unbreakable”, “The Sixth Sense” which opened 2 years ago TODAY)/screenwriter (“Stuart Little”) NEXT FILM: Will write and direct “Signs”, the story of the sudden appearance of mysterious crop circles on a Pennsylvania farm, which will likely star Mel Gibson
1972 [29] Geri Halliwell, Watford ENG, pop singer (“Look At Me”)/ex-‘Ginger Spice’ (Spice Girls-“Wannabe”) who’s lost her international following but is still a major star in the UK
1973 [28] Asia Carrera, NYC, porn actress (“Hell on Heels”, “Interview with a Vamp”, “Bangkok Booberella”)
???? [138 in dog years] ‘Odie’, slobbering cartoon character who is ‘Garfield’ the cat’s dumb friend (IQ is so low you can’t test it; you have to dig for it. It took him 3 years just to learn how to breathe!)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Happy [your holiday here] day! TODAY, the 1st Monday in August, is “Civic Holiday” in MB, SK, NS, ON, and the NT (could it possibly have a duller name?). It’s “British Columbia Day” in BC, “New Brunswick Day” in NB, and “Heritage Day” in Alberta. In Toronto, it’s “Simcoe Day”. For everyone else it’s . . . Monday.
TODAY is “Wiggle Your Toes Day”, a celebration initiated by the ‘Society of People With Way Too Much Time on Their Hands’.
TODAY is “National Monosodium Glutamate Day”. Organizers are planning a tasteful celebration.
It’s been 20 years since clothing designer Frederick Mellinger began mass-marketing the original ‘thong underwear’. What were then known as ‘scanty panties’ were first sold back in August, 1981. Today, it’s a multibillion-dollar women’s under-apparel industry and a cultural phenomenon. A cheap pair can go for less than $15, while Calvin Klein or Tommy Hilfigger can get $200 or more for theirs. (It’s “Thong Song” time!)
TODAY is “Hiroshima Peace Lantern Day”, when thousands worldwide float lanterns on water to commemorate the first use of the nuclear bomb. The annual “Peace Festival” at Peace Memorial Park in Hiroshima, Japan also commemorates the dropping of the 1st atomic bomb on Hiroshima by the ‘Enola Gay’ in 1945.
“Psychic Week” starts TODAY, a week set aside to utilize ‘psychic power’ for beneficial causes. (But then, you probably already sensed that.)
PSYCHIC WEEK QUIZ:
• This famous singer was the front-woman for the well known and now defunct ‘Psychic Friends Network’. [Dionne Warwick]
• This Israeli psychic gained great TV fame by bending spoons with the power of his mind.
[Uri Geller]
• This 16th century physician and prophet predicted the rise of an anti-Christ and the end of the world. [Nostradamus]
• This US First Lady was said to have consulted astrologer Joyce Jillson on many occasions. [Nancy Reagan]
• This character on the TV show “Frasier” has been said to have psychic abilities. [‘Daphne’]
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1890 [111] Legendary pitcher Cy Young’s 1st MLB win on way to 511 in his career (baseball’s ‘Cy Young Award’ established in 1956 to honor MLB’s best pitchers) NOTE: ‘Cy’ was short for his nickname ‘Cyclone’ – his real given name was Denton!
1926 [75] 1st movie wired for sound (“Don Juan” has no dialogue, just music and SFX)
1961 [40] 1st case of ‘motion sickness’ in space (Russian Gherman Titov tosses his cookies)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1952 [49] 46-year-old Satchel Paige becomes oldest pitcher to complete MLB game
1999 [02] St Louis Cardinal Mark McGwire reaches 500 career home runs in fewest at-bats
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
[Sun] Middle Children’s Day (whiners!)
Anesthetist Week (world’s most unpronounceable job!)
Home Business Month (“There’s no business like home business . . .”)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS FUN FACTS:
• 66% of us actually speed up at a yellow traffic light. (Yellow isn’t for ‘Caution’, it’s for ‘Race’!)
• About 91% of us lie regularly. (Like every time someone asks, “How are you?”)
• 44% of us re-use aluminum foil. (The reason every kitchen has a ‘junk drawer’.)
• 2 out of 5 of us have married our first love. (Have you met my right hand?)
• 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. (So we stand?)
• 57% of us save pretty gift-wrap to recycle. (Then can’t remember where the hell we put it when we need it!)
MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTERS:
• What is the only word in English that begins and ends with the letters ‘u-n-d’. [‘Underground’]
• Only one word in the English language has a single letter repeated 6 times. What is it? [‘Indivisibility’]
• What word contains the vowels ‘A-E-I-O-U’ in that order? (‘Facetious’. And you can get the ‘sometimes Y’ in with ‘facetiously’.)
BS TAG LINE:
A hangover . . . the wrath of grapes.
