Tuesday, December 16, 2003        Edition: #2688
Ahhhh, Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY at 99 selected theaters (all of them sold out) a “Lord of the Rings Marathon” is scheduled, featuring all 3 films in the trilogy (we’re talking 9 hours of warring hobbits, dwarves, elves and other assorted weirdos) . . . White Stripes frontman Jack  White has contributed 5 songs to the soundtrack of “Cold Mountain” which hits stores TODAY (the movie opens DECEMBER 25th) . . . MTV is denying reports it has footage of Ozzy Osbourne’s motorcycle accident (dammit, that’d be cool!) . . . Website ‘AwfulPlasticSurgery’ is smart enough not to accuse actress Catherine Zeta-Jones of going under the nip ‘n tuck knife (she’d likely sue), but photos they’ve posted show that she’s certainly changed her appearance since the early 1990s (http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com) . . . Cher says she was really looking forward to playing a ‘demanding diva’ in the movie “Stuck on You” – until she found out they wanted her to play herself . . . Word has leaked that 22-year-old Alicia Keys’ long-time secret boyfriend is 34-year-old R&B producer Kerry Brothers, aka ‘Krucial’, a guy she met while she was a struggling wannabe musician busking on NYC streets at age 14 (R Kelly must have overlooked her) . . . Picture this – former “Monty Python” comedy troupe member John Cleese is said to be considering running for mayor of Santa Barbara CA (‘His Honor the Mayor in Charge of Silly Walks’) . . . And word has it 50 Cent’s bodyguards routinely invite female fans to after-show parties on one condition – they have to agree to pleasure the crew, too – not just da boss.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Seabiscuit” (Drama – DVD): The story of a jockey (Tobey Maguire), a trainer (Chris Cooper), a businessman (Jeff Bridges), and the down-and-out thoroughbred racehorse that captured the public’s imagination during the Great Depression.
• “Freaky Friday” (Comedy – DVD/VHS): Jamie Lee Curtis & Lindsay Lohan play a mom and daughter who don’t see eye-to-eye until a mystical trick causes them to switch bodies and each is forced to adapt to the other’s life for a day. A Disney remake of the 1976 film that starred Jodie Foster.
• “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” (Action Fantasy – DVD/VHS): In 1899, legendary British explorer ‘Allan Quatermain’ (Sean Connery) is summoned by the British crown to assemble an exceptional team to defend the Western world from a mysterious villain. The ‘league’ unbelievably includes ‘Captain Nemo’, ‘The Invisible Man’, ‘Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde’, and … ‘Tom Sawyer’.
• “Rugrats Go Wild!” (Family Adventure – DVD/VHS): The boisterous ‘Rugrats’ are castaways on a forsaken Polynesian island known only as ‘Uninhabited’ where they run into kid TV’s favorite nature-documentary family, ‘The Wild Thornberrys’. Bruce Willis picks up some easy money as the voice of ‘Spike’.

A WORD TO THE WISE:
The editors of “The Oxford English Dictionary” are considering several new words and phrases for the next edition including …
• ‘Baby Momma’ – A young unwed mother. (“She’s having trouble finishing high school, her being a baby momma and all.”)
• ‘Fembot’ – An emotionless woman. (“No point asking the new manager for a day off when your kid’s home sick from school – she’s a real fembot!”)
• ‘Wand’ – To wave a hand-held metal detector over someone’s body. (“Please leave your baggage on the conveyor belt and allow the security guard to wand you.”)

GET THE HANDCART READY:
The global ski industry is in for a slide as climate change reduces average snowfall and melts glaciers, says a new study done for the UN Environmental Program. Snowfall at low-altitude ski resorts will become increasingly unreliable and unpredictable in coming years, according to by researchers at the University of Zurich in Switzerland. (Where there apparently will be excellent skiing for the entire foreseeable future.)

STYLE STATEMENT:
Upscale designers such as Dolce & Gabbana and Prada are now featuring French-cuff shirts for women, a trend that’s led to a rush on a new ladies’ fashion accessory – cuff links. But forget about passing along your old disused ones, guys. Cuff links for women are designed to be more stylish, more feminine and, of course, more costly – well over $100 a pair!

GETTING INTO THE SPIRIT:
Need some of the old Christmas spirit really quick? Simply light candles, sing carols and sip mulled wine. Scientists from Oxford University and research company Neurosense exposed volunteers to seasonal sight, sound and smell sensations and found that the 3 combined to trigger immediate and intense holiday feelings. (Listener poll: What’s the ultimate seasonal sight, sound and smell combo?)

MAYBE A GAME WILL BREAK OUT:
Brandon MB-based PROactive Sports Managment Group is putting together a pay-per-view hockey fighting tournament to be called “The Battle of the Hockey Gladiators”. That’s right – no nets, no face-offs, no goals, and no gloves – just fighting on arena ice. The brawls will last up to 2 minutes and a panel of judges will pick the winners. The overall ‘master enforcer’ will take home $40,000. Plans are underway to stage the first tournament next Labor Day weekend at the 11,500-seat Ralph Engelstad Arena in Grand Forks ND.
PHONER: 204.727.1674 (Darryl Wolski )/416.935.0333 (Chris Tidwell)
NET: http://www.hockeygladiators.com

BS THAT’S HARD TO BELIEVE:
• 49-year-old George Duncan of NYC has been fired from his job as a corrections officer. Why? He had taken a total of 744 sick days, about one sick day each and every week – for 15 years!
• Commuters on-the-go at a new train station in Edinburgh, Scotland can’t ‘go’, because the new $7-million facility was designed and built – without a single restroom.
• 3 German teenagers in the town of Limburg are being investigated for fraud after spending a whack of money they didn’t have during a 2-hour Internet shopping spree. $160 million-worth, in fact! They say they were ‘bored’.
• Shoppers in a Grimsby UK supermarket were stunned when odd sounds came over the PA system – a woman groaning “Oh yes! Oh yes!” just before yelling out “Ohhhhhh, God!”. The store’s management says no hidden mikes were found and the sounds may have come from an outside signal interfering with the store’s satellite Muzak station.

THE BULL SHEET 12.16.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1941 [62] Lesley Stahl, Lynn MA, well-preserved TV journalist (“48 Hours” host since 2002, “60 Minutes” correspondent since 1991)

1946 [57] Benny Andersson, Stockholm SWE, oldies singer (ABBA-“Dancing Queen”, “Mama Mia”)

1949 [54] Billy Gibbons, Houston TX, classic rock guitarist/singer (ZZ Top-“Legs”, “Tush”)

1963 [40] Benjamin Bratt, San Francisco CA, movie actor (“Traffic”, “Miss Congeniality”)/former TV actor (“Law & Order”)/Julia Roberts’ ex-roommate  COMING UP: Plays ‘Detective Tom Lone’ in “Catwoman”, starring Halle Berry.

1963 [40] Jeff Carson, Tulsa OK, country singer (“Not On Your Love”, “The Car”)

1971 [32] Michael McCary, Philadelphia PA, R&B/pop singer (Boyz II Men-“I’ll Make Love to You”, “End of the Road”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Chocolate Covered Anything Day”, so fill up the tub and invite that special someone over!

TODAY “Nine Days of Posadas” begins, the traditional Mexican Christmas celebration that includes breaking open a pinata. Similarly, “Simbang Gabi” or “Christmas Observance” in the Philippines runs TODAY through January 6th, said to be the world’s longest Christmas celebration.

TODAY is “Eat What You Want Day”, a day to actually enjoy what you eat without worrying about quotas and content. (Go ahead, porko – have another donut!)

THIS WEEK is “International Language Week” to promote the international language ‘Esperanto’, invented by Dr LL Zamenhof in 1887 to solve the world’s language barrier … but it never really caught on. Ask how to speak a few words in Esperantese.
PHONER: 800.377.3726/510.653.0998 (Esperanto League for North America)

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1997 [06] Hundreds of young Japanese TV viewers suffer nausea and epilepsy-like spasms while watching a “Pokemon” cartoon that features bright, flashing colors

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1949 [54] A Swedish fighter plane manufacturer begins producing autos that eventually carry the name ‘Saab’

1972 [31] Miami Dolphins become 1st undefeated team for an entire NFL regular season, and go on to win the Super Bowl (players from that team still gather to celebrate when the last undefeated team loses each season)  FACTOID: The color commentator on Dolphin radio broadcasts during the 1972 season was none other than … Larry King.

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1973 [30] 1st NFLer to rush 2,000 yards in a season (OJ Simpson)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] “The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King” opens in movie theaters
[Wed] Wright Brothers’ Day (100th anniversary of first flight)
[Fri] Chanukah begins (First Night)
[Fri] Underdog Day
[Sun] Humbug Day
[Mon] First Day of Winter
This Week Is . . . International Language Week
This Month Is . . . National Healthy Skin Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HORRIBLESCOPE:
If today is your birthday, you’re a Sagittarius and here’s your reading in the stars … This morning you will discover a lot of money under your pillow. Unfortunately, it won’t begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you’ll also discover a sudden need for. People around you are starting to look a bit complacent, so today is a good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.

TOP 10 FILMS OF 2003:
According to the “AFI Awards 2003″, which aren’t ranked but listed in alphabetical order …
“American Splendor”
“Finding Nemo”
“In America”
“Lost in Translation”
“Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World”
“Monster”
“Mystic River”
“The Human Stain”
“The Last Samurai”
“The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King”

BS TRIVIA:
Q: Which string would a violin have on if it were only wearing its G-string?
A: The lowest.
Source: “You Don’t Know Jack, Volume 2″

Q: Which has more brains … a starfish or Pam Anderson?
A: Pammy wins, barely. Starfish have no brains at all.
Source: “Land O’ Useless Facts”

BS FIND THE FAKE:
Which one of the following is NOT an actual article from a women’s magazine?
GAME #1 –
• “Is Your Dude a Dud?”
• “10 Things You Don’t Know About Sex But Should!”
• “How to Find Out Where He’s REALLY Been” [FAKE]

GAME #2 –
• “The Holiday Scents That Turn Men On” [FAKE]
• “Are Half-Size Bras For You?”
• “16 Ways to Smile”

GAME #3 –
• “Hot Flashes: The Truth”
• “Text Messages That Will Have Him Knocking at Your Door in 10 Minutes!” [FAKE]
• “Shake Your Booties!”
Sources: “Cosmo”. “Ladies’ Home Journal”, “Woman’s Day”, “Chatelaine”

BS PHONE STARTER:
“What’s the most important activity to you during the holidays?” (In one poll, fully 74% picked ‘spending time with loved ones’.)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 15% of mothers say that THIS was true of at least one of their child’s births.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: They drove themselves to the hospital.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If it’s stupid but works … it isn’t stupid.