Tuesday, December 10, 2002        Edition: #2439
Jingle Bull … Jingle Bull …

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Elton John says Madonna’s “Die Another Day” is the worst ‘James Bond’ theme of all-time (well thank goodness she has her acting career to fall back on!) . . . Christina Aguilera intends to try acting NEXT YEAR and says she’s currently looking for the perfect role – something a bit ‘edgy’ (translated: involves nudity) . . . Yoko Ono is said to be furious that Paul McCartney has his name listed ahead of John Lennon’s in the credits for the Beatles hits that are included on his new live DVD “Back In The US” . . . Word has it Gwyneth Paltrow has split with Coldplay frontman Chris Martin and is now concentrating her attentions on Prince Nicholas of Greece (if you’re gonna be a ho, might as well pick royalty) . . . Toronto singer-songwriter Ron Sexsmith will open for Coldplay at 14 dates of the US leg of the band’s current tour . . . After her admission of drug use in her TV interview with Diane Sawyer, Whitney Houston faces a child welfare investigation to determine if her 9-year-old daughter Bobbi Kristine is adequately cared for (hey don’t worry folks, she’s safe at home with Bobby Brown … er, maybe you oughta check it out) . . . Pink bit her own security guard after he tried to restrain her from drunkenly dancing on a table in an Australian hotel (hope he had a tetanus shot!) . . . A sample of the fragrance ‘Glow by J-Lo’ has been included in 300,000 copies of Jennifer Lopez’ new CD “This Is Me … Then” in Canada (now you can say it and mean it – this album stinks!) . . . After PETA sent him a detailed description of how chinchillas are killed, Ben Affleck has pledged never to buy J-Lo a fur coat (well, unless her highness demands it) . . . And 65-year-old famous sex fiend Jack Nicholson tells “Newsweek” he’s losing his libido and now prefers to sleep alone, but he doesn’t regret the lack of sex – quote – “I have had a very expressive life in that area”.

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
In the family comedy “Like Mike”, pint-size rapper-turned-actor Lil’ Bow Wow plays a 14-year-old orphan who becomes an NBA superstar after trying on a pair of sneakers with the faded initials ‘MJ’ inside (as in ‘Michael Jordan’) . . . Michael J Fox returns to voice the lead role in the family fantasy sequel ”Stuart Little 2″, in which ‘Stuart’ and ‘Snowbell’ set out across town to rescue a friend . . . Jamie Lee Curtis stars in the horror film “Halloween: Resurrection”, the umpteenth in the “Halloween” series, this one involving a contest to spend a night in ‘Michael Myers’ childhood home during a live Internet broadcast . . . In the thriller “K-19: The Widowmaker”, Harrison Ford plays the captain of Russia’s first nuclear submarine who tries to prevent a nuclear disaster when ‘das boat’ malfunctions during its maiden voyage.

TECHNICOLOR YAWN:
A Norwegian cinema owner says he is fed up with kids being sick when they watch “Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets”. Young children are apparently finding the scene when ‘Ron Weasley’ begins vomiting up slugs a little too much to take. Gudrun Romsbotn says that, on average, one child in every screening ends up blowing chunks. “If the children have eaten popcorn or sweets when this scene is shown, they feel sick,” he says. “It is not a particularly fun task for our employees to have to wash away the sick.”

FIT TO BE TIED:
A professor at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia claims he has mathematical proof for the best way to lace a shoe. After over 30 pages of calculations, Burkard Polster says the ‘cris-cross’ and ‘straight-laced’ patterns are the strongest, but the ‘bow tie’ design used in most shoe store displays is the most efficient overall because it uses the least lace. (Alrighty then. Get a government grant for this one, Burk buddy?)

LOVE THE BOSS YOU HAVE:
A 30-year-old businesswoman that “Der Spiegel” magazine calls Germany’s ‘toughest woman boss’ is leading a revolution against the modern-day trend to ‘soft management’. Judith Mair, who’s been running a Cologne ad agency for less than 4 years, has written the new book, “End the Fun”, in which she calls for the ban of ‘touchy-feely’ management gurus and employee-centered initiatives such as ‘flextime’, ‘brainstorming’, and ‘company get-togethers’ to develop ‘team spirit’. Mair champions a return to ‘traditional German values’ like discipline, hard work and rigid punctuality. She insists employees wear uniforms and does not allow private phone calls, gossiping on company time, nor distracting pictures, posters or calendars on office walls. (“Ya, ve must have discipline ut all times!”)

LOVE SONGS … LITERALLY:
Extremely weird electronic musician Aaron Funk, who records under the name Venetian Snares, is making an album using the noises he and his girlfriend make during sex. First he recorded lovemaking sessions on mini-disc and now he’s sampling the noises and turning them into music for his new album “Nymphomatriarch” to be released NEXT YEAR. Songs completed so far include “Hymen Tramp Choir”, “Pervs”, and “Blood on the Rope”. Funk claims many of the sampled sounds resemble traditional musical instruments. (Do you hear banging?)

HAS THE FLOW OF SPAM BEEN DAMMED?
A new Pew Research survey finds that we may be less inundated by e-mail spam than is commonly thought. The new poll shows that most people receiving e-mail at work find it manageable and helpful. The average office worker now spends about a half-hour handling e-mail on a typical day. The majority receive fewer than 10 messages and send 5 or less. (Could it be that the latest spam filters are succeeding in getting rid of most of the junk? And perhaps the excitement about e-mail is over and our friends and co-workers are sending fewer fluff messages?)

SAFETY INSPECTOR:
22-year-old Dave Chapman, a student at Britain’s Newcastle University, has himself a new dream job – condom tester! He was picked from some 10,000 applicants by the Condomi Corporation to receive $150 for each pack of contraceptives he and his girlfriend try out. It could prove lucrative – the company makes 30 different kinds. It’ll be Dave’s job to put them through their paces and evaluate them. He’s one of 10 lucky testers employed by the German
company throughout the UK. By the way, Dave works at Newcastle University’s radio station.

OUR PASSION FOR PETS:
Highlights from a pair of new polls of pet owners, one for the American Animal Hospital Association, the other for Pet Supplies Plus retail stores –
• 97% of pet owners plan to buy their pets a Christmas present. 75% will hang a Christmas stocking for their pets. 72% will give a wrapped gift. 12% have actually RETURNED a previous pet present because their pet didn’t like it. (“After chewing it for 7 hours, Killer didn’t like this rawhide bone anymore …”)
• 65% say their holiday season visitors tend to greet pets before anyone else (it’s difficult to ignore a Great Dane humping your leg). In fact, 53% say their pets are the ‘center of attention’ at holiday parties (how come pet owners don’t understand that having a muzzle in your crotch isn’t cute, endearing or funny at all – it’s just annoying?)
• 21% expect their pet will gain weight from overeating during the holiday season.
• A few other signs we tend to get a little nuts over pets – 39% have more pictures of their pet than their significant other, 9% say they plan ALL their free time around their furry little friend, and 7% admit they regularly read their dog’s or cat’s horoscope.

THE BULL SHEET 12.10.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1952 [50] Susan Dey, Pekin IL, former TV actress (Laurie Partridge-“The Partridge Family”, DA Grace Van Owen-“LA Law”)

1960 [42] Kenneth Branagh, Belfast N IRE, movie actor/director (Professor Gilderoy Lockhart-“Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets”, “Hamlet”)

1969 [33] Rob Blake, Simcoe ON, 6′-4″ 225-lb NHL defenceman (Colorado Avalanche)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Inuit] “Festival for the Souls of Dead Whales”
[UN] “International Human Rights Day” (1948)

TODAY is “Nobel Prize Awards Day”. The awards were established by the will of Swedish chemist and dynamite inventor Alfred Nobel and have been held on this date since 1901. The current value of each award is about $1 million. The Peace Prize is presented in Oslo, Norway, and the other 5 prizes in Stockholm, Sweden. The Nobel Committee has decided to award the “2002 Nobel Peace Prize” to former US president Jimmy Carter for his ‘decades of untiring effort to find peaceful solutions to international conflicts, to advance democracy and human rights, and to promote economic and social development’. TOMORROW actors Jessica Lange & Anthony Hopkins host the “Nobel Peace Prize Concert” in Oslo, which will feature performances by Santana, Michelle Branch and Willie Nelson.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1984 [18] African famine relief song “Do They Know It’s Christmas” by Band Aid is released

1990 [12] 1st “Billboard Music Awards” (Janet Jackson picks up 8 trophies)

1994 [08] Kenny G’s “Miracles: The Holiday Album” hits #1 on album charts and becomes best-selling Christmas album in history, selling over 8 million units

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1953 [49] With an investment of $7600, Hugh Hefner publishes 1st “Playboy” magazine which includes a nude calendar photo of Marilyn Monroe (no date is printed on the 1st issue because Hef’ doubts anyone will expect a 2nd to be printed)

1962 [40] All-time classic movie “Lawrence of Arabia” starring Peter O’Toole premieres in London

1998 [04] Team of 6 astronauts becomes 1st to occupy the International Space Station

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1972 [30] ‘Longest non-scoring pass’ in NFL history as St Louis Cardinals QB Jim Hart passes from his own 1-yard-line to Bobby Moore (now known as Ahmad Rashad) who’s tackled at LA Rams’ 1-yard-line – a total of 98 yards with no score!

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Dewey Decimal Day
[Thurs] Poinsettia Day
[Fri] Friday the 13th
[Sat] Halcyon Days (7 days before & after Winter Solstice)
[Sun] Christmas in Washington Concert
[Sun] US Bill of Rights Day
This Week Is . . . Human Rights Week
This Month Is . . . Write to a Friend Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?
Are the following statements about Christmas true or just a pile o’ crap?
• The pair of Santa’s reindeer we know as ‘Donner’ and ‘Blitzen’ were originally called ‘Dun’ and ‘Bradstreet’. [BS, however in the original 1823 publication of “A Visit from Saint Nicholas” they were called ‘Dunder’ and ‘Blixem’, the Dutch words for ‘thunder and lightning’. In 1837, several alterations to the story were made, including changing ‘Blixem’ to ‘Blixen’ (to make it rhyme with ‘Vixen’) and ‘Dunder’ to ‘Donder’ (for reasons unknown).]

• The suicide rate increases significantly during the holiday season. [BS. Several studies have concluded that if holiday depression does descend every December, its effects are too minor or it involves too few people to show up in official statistics. It is true that some people in northern climes seem to suffer SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) in winter months due to the lack of sunlight.]

• ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ was originally called ‘Rollo the Red-Nosed Reindeer’. [TRUE. The story was written by Robert May, a copywriter in the ad department of Montgomery Ward stores. He originally named the reindeer ‘Rollo’, but store execs didn’t like it – or ‘Reginald’ either. Eventually, it was May’s 4-year-old daughter who picked the name ‘Rudolph’ from a list of ‘R’ names.]

• ‘Boxing Day’ originated due to the need to rid the house of empty boxes after Christmas. [BS. As well as in Canada, ‘Boxing Day’ is celebrated in Australia, Britain & New Zealand but it’s not likely many know why they get December 26th off. The holiday’s roots can be traced back to England, where ‘Boxing Day’ is also known as ‘St Stephen’s Day’, a day when the longtime custom was to give BOXES of food and fruit to tradespeople and servants.

• The leaves of the poinsettia plant are poisonous to humans. [BS. They are apparently extremely bitter but not very harmful. The poinsettia poison myth apparently had its origin in 1919 when a 2-year-old child of an army officer stationed in Hawaii died of poisoning and the cause was incorrectly assumed to be a poinsettia leaf.]

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: On average, men pay $58 more for this than women.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Christmas gifts for their spouses.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Kindness consists of loving people more than they deserve.