Monday, December 17, 2001        Edition: #2198
Help the Homeless this Holiday Season – Keep ‘Em Away from Ralph Klein

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why do they call it a ‘hot water heater’? Shouldn’t it be a ‘cold water heater’?
• How come no matter what color the soap is, the suds are always white?
• Why do they call it ‘lipstick’ if you can still move your lips?
• Why is the third hand on a watch called the ‘second hand’?
• How come the probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action?
• Why don’t they just cut the price of a product instead of offering a mail-in rebate?
• If we’re not supposed to drink and drive, how come bars have parking lots?
• What if the Hokey-Pokey really IS “what it’s all about”?

BS TABLOID TIDBITS:
• Britain’s “Sun” tabloid reports that Britney Spears has now pulled out of that deal to model in ads for animal rights campaigners PETA after the group wrongly announced she’d pose naked. (The ever-bright Brit mistakenly thought it was an ad for Middle Eastern flatbread.)
• If you believe Winona Ryder’s lawyer, the starlet’s arrest for shoplifting LAST WEEK at a Saks Fifth Avenue boutique is a ‘misunderstanding’. “Daily Dish” reports she’s now claiming she was merely carrying $4,760 worth of merchandise BETWEEN DEPARTMENTS and intended to pay all along. (It’s true! She went directly from the designer dress department to the Beverly Hills Police Department.)
• “National Enquirer” claims that when OJ Simpson was caught on a wiretap ordering the drug ecstasy from a dealer, he was so fried on dope that he openly confessed, “I killed Nicole!” (Unfortunately, even if it the story were true, it wouldn’t change the ‘not guilty’ verdict.)
• “Star” says that at the height of his party days, Charlie Sheen was smoking a pound-and-a-half of cocaine every month, and washing it down with 3 bottles of vodka per DAY. But thanks to his family’s intervention, he’s now clean and sober and his oh-so-hot new girlfriend Denise Richards helps him stay that way. (Proving you can’t snort when you’re smothered with love.)
• “Sun” says Elton John enjoyed shooting his guest appearance on “Ally McBeal” so much that he presented star Calista Flockhart with a piano worth £75,000 ($100,000). (She promptly fainted from fright at the mere mention of that many pounds.)
• According to “Enquirer”, Will Smith abstained from having sex for a year to get into the proper mind-set for his role in the film “Ali”. (Hey if that’s all it took, I shoulda got the role 5 times over!)
• And here’s some of our favorite headlines of the week, courtesy of “Weekly World News” – “Janitor Goes Ga-Ga and Marries Hula Doll!”, “Boy Has Ears the Size of Dinner Plates!”, “Leaping Turtles Invade USA!”, and “The Bible’s Four Horsemen Ask for Directions in Paris!”.

HIGHEST PAID SITCOM ACTORS:
• $1.6 million per episode – Kelsey Grammar (“Frasier”) who’s the highest-paid actor ever in a half-hour comedy at $75 million over the life of his current deal.
• $1 million per episode — reportedly the new deal for David Hyde Pierce (“Frasier”).
• $800,000 per episode — Ray Romano (”Everybody Loves Raymond”).
• $750,000 per episode — Drew Carey (“The Drew Carey Show”), all 6 stars of “Friends”.
(Source: “Daily Variety”)

STAR STATUS:
Robert De Niro has been named the ‘Greatest Star’ in a poll of film fans. De Niro topped the list compiled by FilmFour.com. Al Pacino was in 2nd place, followed by Kevin Spacey, Jack Nicholson and Sean Connery. The highest-ranked female star was Jodie Foster at number 23. Tom Cruise only just reached the top 50, at number 49. He was beaten by the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Travolta, and Ewan McGregor.

TOP ENTERTAINERS:
“E! Entertainment” has compiled its own list of ‘Top Entertainers of 2001′. Here’s their top 5 —
1. Nicole Kidman
2. Jennifer Lopez
3. ‘N Sync
4. Julia Roberts
5. James Gandolfini

PET PANTIES:
Victoria BC designer Trish Tacoma reports sales are great for her new panties emblazoned with the face of Pierre Trudeau. She says the image of the late PM is “handsome and playful”, the way she remembers him. (Her next creation will feature a pic of Jean Chrétien – and be marketed as the first ‘contraceptive underwear’.)

FLUFFY MUFFLER:
Entrepreneurial couple Jim & Sally Huza of Greenville NC are using a Website to market their ingenious new – gas-absorbing cushion. The $21 ‘GasBGon‘ incorporates sound-dampening material and a replaceable activated carbon filter with a surface area equal to that of a football field. The special flatulence filter purportedly lasts 6 months if used by a woman, but only 3 if used by a man. The husband-and-wife inventing team claim to have tested the cushion by sitting down to a dinner of sausage and beans. (Just in time for Christmas, that thoughtful little item for my wife that I was looking for!)
NET: http://www.gasbgon.com

FOR THE RECORD:
In Spain, 10 cooks have spent 4 days mixing a ton of almonds, chocolate and sugar to produce the world’s biggest nougat bar, a traditional Spanish Christmas treat. The 30-foot-long bar is big enough to serve 100,000 people. (Or 3 pregnant flamenco dancers.)

HOLIDAY HUNTING:
Contrary to what you might believe, the holiday season may be the best time of year to look for a job, according to consulting firm the Erdlen Bograd Group. Why? There’s far less competition because most people postpone their job searches until the new year. (And the odds are better the interviewer will be too sauced on egg nog to read your pitiful résumé.)

TIGER TALE:
Chinese zookeepers are giving endangered tigers Viagra to increase their sex drive. Zookeepers in Chongqing want a pair of South China tigers to mate and they think the drug may help. There are only 49 of the tigers in Chinese zoos and fewer in the wild. (The good news for the lucky keeper that gets to administer the drug — the tigers won’t be thinking about eating him. Then there’s the bad news.)

THIS LEAVE REALLY IS SICK:
An Indonesian civil servant who is employed by the National Land Agency has called in sick from work for the last — 6 years. Shocked government officials are now investigating why he has been allowed to stay off work for such a long time. (That IS shocking. I can’t believe the word ‘work’ appeared in the same sentence as ‘civil servant’!)

THE BULL SHEET 12.17.01

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1930 [71] Bob Guccione, Brooklyn NY, magazine publisher (“Penthouse”)

1933 [68] Dalai Lama (Ling-Ergh La-Mu-Tan-Chu), TIBET, spiritual leader of lamastic Buddhists

1946 [55] Eugene Levy, Hamilton ON, movie actor (“American Pie 1 & 2″, “Best in Show”, “Father of the Bride”)/former TV actor (Shmenge Bros’ Stan and other characters-“SCTV”)

1958 [43] Mike Mills, Athens GA, rock bassist (REM-“Losing My religion”, “It’s the End of the World as We Know It”)

1967 [34] Vince Damphousse, Montréal QC, NHL center (San Jose Sharks)

1975 [26] Milla Jovovich, Kiev UKR, movie actress (“Zoolander”, “The 5th Element”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Maple Syrup Day”, honoring the great Canadian taste treat that requires a second mortgage on your house to purchase. There are over 12,000 maple syrup producers in Canada, accounting for more than 85% of world production. The province of Québec is the world’s top-ranking maple syrup producer, accounting for more than 70% of all production.

[USA] “Pan American Aviation Day”

TODAY the “First Flight Anniversary Celebration” will be held at Kill Devil Hills NC. A tradition since 1928, it honors the Wright Brothers’ flight at Kitty Hawk NC December 17th, 1903. 98 years ago at 10:35 am EST, the first sustained motorized aircraft flight traveled a total of 850 ft. Orville Wright was the pilot, winning the honors in a coin toss. Wilbur got to run alongside.

TODAY-January 3rd over 40,000 North American bird watchers will conduct the annual “Audubon Christmas Bird Count”. (“1,502 [bang] . . . 1, 501 . . “)

ON THIS DAY . . .
1994 [07] Actress Heather Locklear marries rocker Richie Sambora

1994 [07] Pop diva Céline Dion marries her manager Rene Angelil

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1791 [210] A traffic regulation in New York City established the 1st ‘one way street’

1843 [158] “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens 1st published in London and immediately sells out (he wrote the story in just 2 months, beginning in October)

1933 [68] 1st-ever NFL ‘Championship Game’ (Chicago Bears 23, NY Giants 21)

1959 [42] 1st movie to open simultaneously in major cities worldwide (“On The Beach” opens in 17 cities – a pittance compared to this WEDNESDAY’S opening of “Lord of the Rings”)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1970 [31] St Bernard named ‘Benedictine Schwarzold Hof’ born which becomes ‘heaviest known dog’ at 137 kg (301 lbs)

1965 [36] ‘Largest-ever newspaper’, a Sunday edition of the “New York Times”, runs 946 pages but is modestly priced at just 50 cents (or 5 cents a pound)

2000 [01] WR Terrell Owens of San Francisco 49ers catches NFL-record 20 passes for 283 yards and a TD vs Chicago Bears, eclipsing previous record of 18 catches set by Tom Fears of LA Rams in 1950

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Today] Eid ul Fitr (Ramadan ends)
[Wed] ”Lord of the Rings” movie opens
[Fri] 1st day of Winter
Tell Someone They’re Doing a Good Job Week
National Stress Free Family Holidays Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
SANTA SURVEY:
Ask a kid, any kid . . .
• “How does Santa’s huge body fit through those tiny chimneys?”
• “What does Santa do at a house with no chimney?”
• “What exactly are ‘reindeer games’?”
• “Who brings Santa his Christmas gifts?”
• “Why does Santa only work one night a year?”
• “What does Santa do when he’s not delivering presents?”

BS TRIVIA:
Q: What’s the 8th and final ‘tie-breaker’ used by the NFL to decide who makes the playoffs when teams are tied?
A: Believe it or not — it’s a coin toss!

BS TAG LINE:
We first make our habits, and then our habits make us.