Thursday, December 13, 2001 Edition: #2196
Sheeters Always Prosper!
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they’re jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs never laugh at how you throw a ball.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
Dogs understand what ‘no’ means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT CBS-TV airs the season finale of “The Amazing Race” right after “Survivor: Africa”, hoping to cash in with 2 full hours of reality (reality’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t wanna live there) . . . TONIGHT for the first time the 2 most popular dramas on TV, “ER” and “CSI”, go head-to-head in a one-night, take-no-prisoners, winner-take-all showdown to see who’s the champ, but “ER” may have the reach advantage because it’s Eriq La Salle’s last show (sorry, got carried away — they’re just TV programs) . . . Toni Braxton has named her new baby ‘Denim’ (what’s next, a sibling named ‘Corduroy’?) . . . THIS WEEK Anna Nicole Smith is back in court in her latest attempt to claim her late husband J Howard Marshall’s fortune (after legal fees for 3 trials, the $474-million inheritance is now estimated at $1.98) . . . “Today Show” co-host Katie Couric is close to signing a new 5-year, $65-million deal that would make her the highest-paid newsperson in TV history (even more than Mike Duffy?) . . . And Britney Spears will be stripping down for PETA as their new ‘I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur’ poster girl (don’t forget to shave).
FUTURE FLICKS:
Eminem’s movie will be called ”8 Mile”, named for the Detroit road that divides white and black neighborhoods . . . Reports out of Hollywood say Jim Carrey is set to portray Howard Hughes in an upcoming film about the late billionaire’s life (well yeah, who better to play the role of the world’s most famous recluse than the shy and introverted Jim Carrey?) . . . Springboarding off the success of “Shrek”, DreamWorks’ next big budget computer-animated comedy will be “Sharkslayer”, an ‘underwater mob film’ featuring the voices of Will Smith, Angelina Jolie & Renee Zellweger . . . A computer-animated feature film based on the classic kids’ book “Curious George” is in the works . . . J-Lo will have a sizzling lesbian love scene in her next film “Gigli”, a kidnap caper co-starring Ben Affleck, but the actress who’ll share the bedroom scene is yet to be picked (every guy’s fantasy casting job) . . . “West Wing” actress Alison Janney has signed on to play Meryl Streep’s ‘partner’ in “The Hours”, but says not to get too excited — there won’t be any love scenes . . . Keenen Ivory Wayans is looking to direct Eddie Murphy in “The Incredible Shrinking Man”, a remake of the 1957 sci-fi classic (story of a guy taking a cold shower).
ROUGE RAGE:
A coalition of groups in Québec is opposing the province’s proposed plan to allow right turns during red traffic signals, claiming it will cause more pedestrian accidents. Québec is the only province left in Canada that doesn’t allow drivers to turn right on red. (Currently, a red light in Montréal is the signal for ‘Go like hell!!!’.)
NEW LUNGS, NO LUNG POWER:
BC Supreme Court has overturned a woman’s provincial court conviction for failing to provide a
breath sample. The arresting officer testified that she just pretended to blow into the Breathalyzer, but Donna Pringle told the court she couldn’t blow any harder because of her recent breast implants. (Wait a sec, you can’t blow if you have fake boobs? Damn!)
WHEREFORE ART THOU?
New research shows that the most likely place for luggage lost on international flights to turn up is — Cairo. Other popular destinations for your baggage – Amsterdam and Bangkok. (Unfortunately they don’t get frequent flyer miles.)
HOW TO GET NAILED AT A WEDDING:
A bridegroom in Iran has died as the result of a local wedding custom. After licking honey from his bride’s finger during the ceremony, he choked to death on one of her false nails. (Just as well. Imagine what might have happened on the honeymoon!)
ELBOWING ALLOWED:
According to a panel of doctors, pharmacists and other experts consulted for the new edition of “Health Which?” magazine, the most effective remedy for a snoring partner is — DUH! — a nudge in the ribs. (For hiccups – a slap upside the head.)
IT’S ALL IN THE TIMING:
A report in the “Journal of Social Psychology” (got that one on your coffee table?) says there may be a relationship between time of birth and whether one becomes a day person or a night person. Results of 2 separate surveys show that someone born during daylight hours is more likely to become a ‘day person’, while ‘nighthawks’ tend to be born at night. ([Your co-host] must have been born during Happy Hour.)
THE BULL SHEET 12.13.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [76] Dick Van Dyke, West Plains MO, ex-TV actor (Dr Mark Sloan-“Diagnosis Murder” [1993-2001])/movie actor (“Mary Poppins”)
1929 [72] Christopher Plummer, Toronto ON, movie actor (“The Insider”, “The Sound of Music”)/TV actor (“Counterstrike”)/stage actor (“Barrymore”) NEXT FILM: The Russell Crowe film “A Beautiful Mind”, opening DECEMBER 21
1943 [58] Ferguson Jenkins, Chatham ON, Canada’s first Hall of Fame MLB player (pitcher with 3,192 career Ks, 1971 Cy Young Award with Chicago Cubs, 20-game winner 7 times, only MLB pitcher to strike out over 3,000 while walking less than 1,000)
1949 [52] Randy Owen, Ft Payne AL, country singer (Alabama-“Say I”, “Close Enough to Perfect”)
1950 [51] Wendie Malick, Buffalo NY, TV actress (Nina Van Horn-“Just Shoot Me”)
1957 [44] Steve Buscemi, Brooklyn NY, movie actor (“Monsters Inc”, “Domestic Disturbance”, “Fargo”) NEXT FILM: Plays ‘Crazy Eyes’ in the Adam Sandler comedy “Deeds”, coming in 2002
1967 [34] Jamie Foxx, Terrell TX, comedian/movie actor (“Any Given Sunday”, ”Booty Call”) NEXT FILM: Plays ‘Bundini Brown’ in “Ali”, opening Christmas Day
1969 [32] Sergei Fedorov, Pskov RUS, NHL winger (Detroit Red Wings)/1st Russian to win NHL MVP
1975 [26] Tom DeLonge, Poway CA, rock singer (Blink 182-“All the Small Things”, “Boring”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY the “2001 World Scrabble Championship” gets underway at the Venetian
Hotel in Las Vegas. At the end of a 24-game preliminary, the 2 players with the best records face each other in a best-of-5 final on Monday morning to determine the new world champ. (Will this be on TSN?)
NET: http://www.scrabble-assoc.com/tourneys/2001/wsc
SCRABBLE FACTS:
• Invented by out-of-work architect Alfred Butts of Poughkeepsie NY in 1931.
• Originally called ‘Criss-Crosswords’.
• Over 100 million sets have sold since it became marketed as ‘Scrabble’ in 1948.
• There are over 33 million casual players, 10,000 tournament players and 200 sanctioned clubs in the US and Canada.
• Highest-scoring word in a tournament — 302 points for ‘methodize’.
SCRABBLE QUIZ:
• How many tiles and how many squares on the board? [100 letter tiles, 225 squares.]
• Which letter occurs most frequently? [‘E’ appears on 12 tiles.]
• Which letter is worth the most points? [Both ‘Z’ and ‘Q’ are valued at 10 points.]
(Source: “US News & World Report”)
TODAY for some unknown reason is “Violins Day”. (So no matter what you’re doing, don’t forget your G-string!)
TODAY is “St Lucy’s Day”, honoring her 304 AD birth. Legend has it that, in order to follow a life of religious devotion, she cut out her eyes and sent them on a plate to a persistent lover who was haunted by them (especially afterward). Today hotels in Sweden each feature their own ‘Lucia’, a young blond girl in white gown who serves guests coffee and lussekatter (saffron buns) to celebrate.
ON THIS DAY . . .
1998 [03] Shuttle “Endeavour” astronauts set 7-story “International Space Station” loose in space
2000 [01] Al Gore finally concedes 2000 Presidential election to George W Bush
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1928 [73] 1st ‘clip-on tie’ (1st person says, “Wow, that almost looks real!”)
1982 [19] Vanna White turns over her 1st letter on “Wheel of Fortune” — it’s a ‘T’ (man, what an easy way to make a living!)
1985 [16] 1st movie with different endings (murder mystery “Clue” features 3 different finishes)
1992 [09] 1st woman in a regular-season pro hockey game (Manon Rheaume-IHL’s Atlanta Knights)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1983 [18] Detroit Pistons beat Denver Nuggets 186-184 in triple OT after 3 hrs, 11 mins to set NBA records for most points by a team and most total points in a game (and most numb-bums in the stands)
1988 [13] 3 men end 29-hour, all-466-station subway ride in NYC (and live to tell about it!)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] International Shareware Day (wanna swap pants?)
[Fri] National Bouillabaisse Day (a little shellfish, a little wine, a little celery, a little wine, a little onion, a little wine . . .)
[Sun] National Chocolate Covered Anything Day (betcha it’s a fun day at Billy Bob Thornton & Angelina Jolie’s house!)
[Dec 21] 1st day of Winter
Human Rights Week
Read A New Book Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What’s this year’s ‘must-have’ toy?” (Retailers report big demand for ‘Bratz’ dolls and Xbox video games.)
• “What’s the naughtiest thing you did all year? Come clean and maybe the big guy will bring you something for Christmas!”
BS HOLIDAY MOVIE QUIZ:
• Who narrated the original “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”? [Boris Karloff]
• What’s the angel’s name in “It’s a Wonderful Life”? [‘Clarence’]
• What happens when a bell rings in “It’s a Wonderful Life”? [An angel gets its wings.]
• What is Rudolph’s father’s name? [Donner]
• Who played the little girl in “Miracle on 34th Street”? [Natalie Wood]
• In what movie did we first hear the song “White Christmas”? [“Holiday Inn”]
• Where did ‘Frosty’ melt? [In a greenhouse.]
BS TAG LINE: It is the test of a good religion if you can joke about it.
