Friday, December 7, 2001 Edition: #2192
We’ve Got Mad Bull Disease!
HOW TO MAKE MARKS WITH A WOMAN:
• You stay by her side for the entire office Christmas party (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
With implants (-10)
• You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (-1)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-5)
• You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty (+1)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-5)
• You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-10)
• You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing (+2)
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something (+5)
You pummel it with a 6-iron (+10)
It’s her father (-20)
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Seems to be confusion over where exactly George Harrison died – press releases said it was in the home of a friend but the address on the death certificate apparently doesn’t even exist, and the new issue of “Us Weekly” claims he died in a rented villa in Studio City CA (this’ll get the conspiracy nuts speculating — he’s alive, he’s alive!!!!) . . . Meantime, EMI Records honchos have reportedly been attempting to contact Harrison’s family about re-releasing his biggest hit, “My Sweet Lord” . . . Pregnant actress Liz Hurley says she has an unnamed new boyfriend after splitting up with the reluctant father of her baby, Stephen Bing, whom she describes only as “ “an American I’m very fond of” (incidently, where’s Bill Clinton been lately?) . . . Soon-to-shoot “Terminator 3″ will be the most expensive film ever made, with a reported budget over $170 million (breaking “Pearl Harbor’s” $145-million record) . . . “Harry Potter” author JK Rowling says she was once told by a publisher that she would never make any money from writing children’s books (wow, did that ‘expert’ turn out to be a tad off the mark!) . . . Word is Mr & Mrs J-Lo couldn’t agree on who should get to drive the $350,000 Bentley they fell in love with while in London, so they ordered TWO – as his ‘n hers Christmas presents to themselves (can you say ‘excess’?) . . . And according to the new book “Camilla: Her True Story”, Prince Charles and horsey girlfriend Camilla Parker-Bowles used to have sex in the bushes near his house (oh man, after that mental picture I need to wash out my mind’s eye with soap).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENING:
The Las Vegas casino heist flick “Ocean’s 11″, with an all-star cast that includes George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, Matt Damon, Andy Garcia and Don Cheadle. The story: Gangster ‘Danny Ocean’ (George Clooney) rounds up a gang of associates to rob 3 major Las Vegas casinos (Bellagio, The Mirage, and Treasure Island) simultaneously during a big boxing event. It’s a remake of the 1960 original which starred the infamous ‘Rat Pack’ – Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr, Peter Lawford, and Joey Bishop.
EXTREMELY BAD SEX:
THIS WEEK ex-Mrs Jagger, Jerry Hall, presented author Christopher Hart with Britain’s 9th annual “Bad Sex in Fiction Award” for the worst description of the ‘two-backed beast’. Here’s the winning excerpt from his less-selling novel “Rescue Me” —
“Her hand is moving away from my knee and heading north. Heading unnervingly and with a
steely will toward the pole. Ever northward moves her hand, while she smiles languorously at
my right ear. And when she reaches the north pole, I think in wonder and terror — she will surely want to pitch her tent.” (Oh wow, is it getting hot in here or what?)
TIPS & GRATUITIES EXTRA:
27-year-old South African Internet millionaire Mark Shuttleworth is set to become the 2nd ‘space tourist’ when he flies to the International Space Station aboard a Russian Soyuz rocket next APRIL. The cost of his all-inclusive package has been kept secret but is likely comparable to the $20 million California tycoon Dennis Tito paid Russia for an 8-day trip earlier THIS YEAR. (If you add in the Blue Cross out-of-country travel insurance – $100 million.)
THE SANTA CLAUSE:
In Britain, where ‘Santa’ is known as ‘Father Christmas’, Woolworth stores has taken steps to avoid being charged under the European Union’s tough sex discrimination laws. As well as ‘Father Christmas’ costumes, the chain has stocked up on ‘Mother Christmas’ outfits to avoid being taken to court. (Oh please!)
JERKY BEEF:
Jim Abbott, Canadian Alliance Party MP for Kootenay-Columbia is taking exception to an ‘exhibit’ at Alberta’s prestigious Banff Centre. The offending display? Mexican performance artist Israel Mora ejaculates into 7 glass vials, which he says represent the members of his family, and then exhibits them in a cooler at the arts center. (Wow, all these years I never knew I was an ‘artist’.)
NAUGHTY NAUGHTY:
A 55-year-old store Santa in Germany apparently lost his patience when a group of children tried to see what he was wearing under his Santa suit. Police are now deciding whether or not to charge him for slapping a 9-year-old boy and locking him in a broom closet. (In related news, the Association of World Store Santas has awarded the man its honorary ‘Getting Even With the Little Pikers Award’.)
GIMME 400 TO GO:
A pizzeria manager in Lakewood OH has been charged with theft in the amount of $38,326 from her employer, Donato’s Pizza. Among the accusations — trying to pad her store’s sales figures by ordering 400 large pizzas and then leaving them to rot in her garage. Why’d she do it? To get her name in the company newsletter. (Smart thinking, honey. Now you made ALL the papers.)
WACKY HEADLINES:
If we had our way, the ever inventive Einsteins at “Weekly World News” would drop all pretence of actually covering news stories and stick to creating eye-grabbing headlines. Witness these fine examples –
• “My New Hubby Rubs Lipstick On His Own Collar!”
• “Noah Had Dinosaurs on the Ark!”
• “World’s Fattest Twins Destroy Gym!”
• “America Is Running Out of Men!”
And this one that’s right up there with our all-time faves –
• “Severed Leg Hops to Hospital!”
THE BULL SHEET 12.07.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1958 [43] Edd Hall, Boston MA, TV announcer (“The Tonight Show With Jay Leno”, since 1992)
1974 [27] Nicole Appleton, Hamilton ON, pop singer (All Saints-“Never Ever”) who’s mother to Oasis singer Liam Gallagher’s baby
1978 [23] Shiri Appleby, LA CA, TV actress (Liz Parker -“Roswell”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1953 [48] Kim Basinger, Athens GA, movie actress (Oscar-“LA Confidential”)/ex-Mrs Alec Baldwin NEXT FILM: Plays Eminem’s mother in “The Untitled Detroit Project”
1964 [37] Teri Hatcher, Sunnyvale CA, movie actress (“Spy Kids”, “Tomorrow Never Dies”)/TV ad huckster for Radio Shack with ex-NFLer Howie Long
SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1916 [85] Kirk Douglas, Amsterdam NY, acting legend (“Spartacus”) who won honorary Academy Award in 1996/Michael Douglas’ father
1934 [67] (Dame) Judi Dench, York ENG, film actress (‘M’-“The World is Not Enough”, “Shakespeare in Love”) NEXT FILMS: Recently completed “The Shipping News” with Kevin Spacey, and soon begins the still-untitled 20th ‘James Bond’ film
1953 [48] John Malkovich, Christopher IL, movie actor (“Being John Malkovich”, ”Con Air”)
1968 [33] Kurt Angle, Pittsburgh PA, pro wrestler (2-time WWF champion) QUOTE: “It’s true. It’s true!”
1969 [32] Jakob Dylan, NYC, rock singer/one-hit wonder? (The Wallflowers-“One Headlight”)/Bob Dylan’s son
1970 [31] David Kersh, Houston TX, country singer (“If I Never Stop Loving You”, “”Goodnight Sweetheart”)
1972 [29] Tre Cool (Frank Edwin Wright III), CA, rock musician (Green Day-“Time of Your Life”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[UN] “International Civil Aviation Day”
[USA] “60th Anniversary Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day” (1941)
TODAY on the Caribbean island of Antigua is the annual “Burning of the Devil”. Thousands of locals watch as a large effigy of his nastiness is set ablaze at a convent, followed by smaller fires throughout the capital city. Here are some common and some not-so-common . . .
EUPHEMISMS FOR THE DEVIL:
• ‘Satan’
• ‘Beelzebub’
• ‘Sam Hill’
• ‘Lucifer’
• ‘Mephistopheles’
• ‘Toast’
• ‘The Prince of Darkness’, ‘The Black Spy’, ‘The Ragman’, ‘The Deuce’, ‘The Dickens’, ‘The Foul Fiend’, and ‘The Noseless One’ (huh?).
• ‘Old Scratch’, ‘Old Dad’, ‘Old Gooseberry’, ‘Old Bendy’, ‘Old Nick’, ‘Old Ned’, ‘Old Poker’, ‘Old Horny’, ‘Old Harry’, or ‘The Old Gentleman’.
(And we’d like to add: ‘Us’.)
TOMORROW marks the 21st anniversary (1980) of the assassination of John Lennon by Mark David Chapman on the sidewalk outside NYC’s Dakota apartment building. There’ll be candlelight vigils worldwide, many to coincide with the 11:23pm time of his death.
1 YEAR AGO . . .
2000 Brian Long of Spring Hill FL agrees to take down his Christmas display of MATING REINDEER — but only during the week when kids on school buses might catch a peak (adds whole new meaning to “On Comet, On Cupid!”)
5 YEARS AGO . . .
1996 Toni Braxton’s “Unbreak My Heart” hits #1 on “Billboard” ‘Hot 100′ and stays half-way through February
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1784 [217] 1st ‘screw’ (really? — where’d everybody come from before then?)
1926 [75] 1st ‘refrigerator’ (using gas) patented by Electrolux, the vacuum cleaner people
1935 [66] 1st ‘western’ team to win the Grey Cup (Winnipeg Blue Bombers vs Hamilton 18-12)
1963 [38] 1st use of ‘instant replay’, in Army-Navy football game on CBS-TV (nowadays we get replay after replay from a half-dozen angles — above, opposite-side, underneath . . .)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Take It In The Ear Day
[Sun] National Pastry Day
[Sun] Personal Passion Day (aka ‘Pee-wee Herman Day’)
[Mon] Finance Minister Paul Martin announces Federal Budget
[Mon] World premiere of ”Lord of the Rings” movie (London)
[Mon-Dec 17] Hanukkah
Canadian Safe Driving Week
Cookie Cutter Week
International Calendar Awareness Month (“Oh look! There’s one over there on the wall!”)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What did you really want for Christmas when you were a kid but never got?”
WHAT BANDS CHARGE:
3 Doors Down — $60k+
Barebacked Ladies – $100k+
Blink 182 — $100k
Bob Dylan — $75k
Cranberries — $35k – 50k
Creed — $200k+
Eminem – $100k
Goo Goo Dolls — $65k – $70k
Hootie & The Blowfish — $50k – $60k
Lifehouse – $25k – $30k
Macy Gray — $40k
Sheryl Crow — $50k +
Staind – $25k
Sugar Ray — $50k – $60k
Third Eye Blind — $40k – $50k
Tom Petty — $100k – $150k
Train — $25k
Vanilla Ice — $6k – $10k
Village People — $30k + travel expenses
Vonda Shepherd (from Ally McBeal) – $20k – $25k
(Source: ElectricFactory.com)
BS TRIVIA:
Q: What’s the most common ethnic origin of Canadians?
A: According to StatsCan, more of us say we’re ‘Canadian’ (8.8 million of us) than any other ethnic group. ‘English’, ‘French, ‘Scottish’, and Irish’ are next in line.
SAY ‘SUP TO A SOLDIER:
Your listeners can send a special holiday message to American men and women in the military worldwide. Any e-mail sent will be read aloud to groups in barracks or printed and passed out at random to members of the military.
NET: http://anyservicemember.Navy.mil
Q: Interstate freeway #99 opens up near your home. Which direction does it go?
A: Under the US Interstate System, an odd-numbered highway runs north-south. Even-numbered Interstates run east-west. A 3-digit number beginning with an even number is a beltway, while a 3-digit number beginning with an odd number is a bypass or spur.
BS TAG LINE: Hors d’oeuvres — a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
