Wednesday, December 5, 2001 Edition: #2190
If the Bull Fits, Buy It!
BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
• Whyzit we all know who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel but have no idea who did the floor?
• Whyzit hotels provide free shampoo, mouthwash, shower caps and shoe-polishing cloths, but never provide the one thing most travelers forget – toothpaste?
• Whyzit you have to inform 5 different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing?
• Whyzit the ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’ is so happy, considering he has no penis?
• Whyzit when you park under the telephone wires, birds crap on your car but you never see any on the street?
• Whyzit when you’re at a stoplight and the car in front of you moves 4 inches, you have to move ahead 4 inches too?
• Whyzit they need to nail down the lids on coffins?
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT’S the big premiere of the Vegas casino heist flick “Ocean’s Eleven”, starring George Clooney, Matt Damon, Andy Garcia, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts & Don Cheadle, who are all flying off to Turkey afterward to show the pic to troops stationed there . . . Nicole Kidman is said to be celebrating her divorce settlement with Tom Cruise by partying in Paris with handsome Italian filmmaker Fabrizio Mosca . . . According to reports on the divorce divvy, she got their Australia home and their Pacific Palisades mansion, while he got their Colorado estate, their yacht and their plane (it’s unclear who got the 89 pairs of high-heels) . . . Reports say “Oceans Eleven” star Matt Damon has quietly become engaged to buddy Ben Affleck’s former personal assistant, Odessa Whitmire, and they’re planning to wed in the spring . . . Word is Britney Spears celebrated her 20th birthday on the weekend with a private dance from a male stripper at an Italian restaurant in New Jersey . . . And buzz has it Justin Timberlake’s birthday gifts for Brit included chocolate-flavored edible underwear, a black leather bra & matching thong, massage oil, and a gold-framed portrait of himself sprawled on a rug wearing only a pair of leopard-print silk boxer shorts (hmm, guess it’s true — she’s not THAT innocent!).
NEW-CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘Ugly Lights’ — The lights they turn on in a nightclub at closing time in order to get everyone to go home. (“I was dancing with this guy all night that I thought was cute, then they turned the ugly lights on.”)
• ‘Looping’ — A new trend in education that’s gaining popularity, whereby elementary school teachers stay with the same pupils for 2 or 3 years as they advance grades. This eliminates time wasted on ‘getting to know each other’ at the beginning of the school year and allows the teacher to develop better understanding of students’ needs and strengths. (Great, unless you get stuck with ‘mean old Mrs Beasley’.)
• ‘Wizard Money’ — It was bound to happen: the UK mint that developed the unique money used in the ‘Harry Potter’ film is set to market it to the public. Forget about giving your niece 5 bucks for Christmas, she’ll want ‘galleons’, ‘sickles’ and ‘knuts’. (“Hey, you got 2 knuts for a sickle?”)
MAY THE G-FORCE BE WITH YOU:
Later THIS MONTH the world’s fastest roller coaster will debut at Japan’s Fujikyu Highland near Mt Fuji. The ‘Dodonpa’ will be able to reach 172 km/hr (106.8 mph) within 2 SECONDS, creating a force 3.5 times gravity. (Each admission ticket comes with a Depends.)
NAKED WRESTLER PICS:
Joanie Laurer, better known as the former female grappler ‘Chyna’ in the World Wrestling Federation, will be the cover girl on the JANUARY issue of “Playboy” magazine. Inside — a 10-page pictorial said to be heavy on leather. (This issue’s targeted at 14-year-old boys wanting to learn the ‘choke hold’.)
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• A new study from Italy finds that married Italian men prefer to conduct their love affairs at lunchtime because it doesn’t interfere with their home lives and gives them extra time to recover their — potency – before bedding down with the little woman in the evening. (Well how thoughtful! It also gives them time to serve out their penance of 8,402 Hail Marys.)
• A candidate won a seat in Taiwan’s parliamentary elections on the weekend even though he spent the entire political campaign — in the slammer. The new MP was previously convicted on various charges including — corruption. (Somehow this guy’s got it all backwards.)
• For the first time ever in Denmark, the word ‘porn’ has been knocked out of first place among Internet search terms. The first keyword to ever be entered in search engines more often than ‘porn’? ‘Christmas’. (At this time of year, it’s hard to get a Danish to go.)
THE BULL SHEET 12.05.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1902 [99] Strom Thurmond, Edgefield SC, US Senator from South Carolina since 1954 NOTE: He ran for the US presidency — in 1948!
1925 [76] Dave Broadfoot, North Vancouver BC, TV actor/comedian (ex-“Royal Canadian Air Farce”)
1935 [66] Little Richard (Penniman), Macon GA, rock n’ roll pioneer (“Tutti Frutti”, “Good Golly Miss Molly”)
1946 [55] Jose Carreras, Barcelona SPA, opera singer (The Three Tenors)
1965 [36] John Rzeznik, Buffalo NY, rock musician (Goo Goo Dolls-“Iris”)
1967 [34] Gary Allan, Montebello CA, country singer (“Man of Me”, “It Would Be You”)
1985 [16] Frankie Muniz, Ridgewood NJ, TV actor (Malcolm Wilkerson-“Malcolm in the Middle”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Tinsel Day”, in honor of your cat’s favorite gagging toy, your 2-year-old’s favorite poisonous snack, your vacuum cleaner’s favorite clogging device, and your home’s greatest holiday fire hazard. Looks festive though, don’t it?
TODAY is “Bathtub Party Day”, as designated by the wacky ‘Wellness Permission League’, a day to avoid a quick shower and relax in a luxurious long, hot bath to develop inner peace. You’re also encouraged to invite a friend or two!
TODAY is the “100th Anniversary of Walt Disney’s Birth”. In celebration, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences in Hollywood is presenting a special program on his life and work, hosted by film historian Leonard Maltin. Walter Elias Disney was born in Chicago in 1901 and died December 15, 1966. Among his accomplishments – a record 32 Academy Awards (including honorary and lifetime achievement awards), the 1st synchronized-sound cartoon (“Steamboat Willie”-1928), the 1st color cartoon (“Flowers and Trees”-1932), the 1st feature-length animated film (“Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs”-1937), and the opening of Disneyland theme park (1955). Contrary to urban legend, he was NOT frozen and stored away in some cryology lab after his death, but cremated and buried at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale CA. Wonder what Walt would think of the ‘Mouse House’ these days?
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1854 [147] 1st ‘folding theater chair’ (Aaron Allen-Boston MA, who needed a place to put his gum)
1908 [93] 1st football ‘uniform numbers’ (University of Pittsburgh)
1929 [72] 1st ‘nudist organization’ (‘American League For Physical Culture’-NYC)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1996 [05] Youngest player to play in an NBA game (18 year-old Jermaine O’Neal-Portland)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Gazpacho Day
[Thurs] Mitten Tree Day
[Thurs] Pawnbrokers Day
[Thurs] St Nicholas Day
[Fri] Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day
Traveler’s with Disabilities Awareness Week
Bingo’s Birthday Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS MULTILINGUALISM:
• What does the word ‘Bolshoi’ mean in Russian — ‘big’, ‘bold’, or ‘BS’? [Big]
• What does the word ‘pizza’ mean in Italian – ‘pie’, ‘piece’, or ‘leftovers’? [Pie]
• What does the word ‘khaki’ mean in Hindi — ‘dusty’, ‘pokey’, or ‘well-endowed’? [Dusty]
• What does the word ‘ukulele’ mean in Hawaiian — ‘small guitar’, ‘jumping flea’, or ‘life of the party’? [Jumping flea ]
(Source: “10,000 Answers: The Ultimate Trivia Encyclopedia”)
BS TONGUE TWASTERS:
Have contestants attempt the following sentences 3 times . . .
• Unique New York.
• She sold 6 Swiss wristwatches.
• A big black bug spat big black blood on a big barn floor.
• Tots toying with toxic toys get totalled.
• If 3 witches were watching 3 watches, which witch was watching which watch?
• The 6th sick shiek’s 6th sheep’s sick.
And this one’s guaranteed to get you fired . . .
• I’m not the fig plucker nor the fig plucker’s son, but I’ll pluck the figs till the fig plucker comes.
BS ANIMAL QUICK PICKS:
• What animal has the largest eyes – an elephant, a giant squid, or a cat on fire? [The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.]
• If you travel at a ‘snails pace’, how far would you travel in an hour — an inch, a foot, or 25 feet? [About 25 feet.]
• If ‘bovine’ means cow-like and ‘porcine’ means pig-like, what does ‘murine’ mean — horse-like, mouse-like, or sore eyes? [Mouse-like.]
• If a ‘cygnet’ is a baby swan and a ‘cob’ is a male swan, what’s a female swan called — a ‘hen’, a ‘pen’, or a ‘swanette’? [A pen.]
(Source: “Triviaville”)
BS TAG LINE:
Deductive reasoning: I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
