Monday, December 18, 2000 Edition: #1956
BS TWISTED TITLES:
Have listeners try to identify the seasonal song represented by the twisted title. For example, “Bleached Yule” would be “White Christmas”.
• “Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors” (“All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth”)
• “Arrival Time 2400 Hours, Weather Cloudless” (“It Came Upon a Midnight Clear”)
• “Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers” (“God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”)
• “Frozen Precipitation Commence!” (“Let It Snow!)
• “The Quadruped With the Vermillion Proboscis” (“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”)
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• Calista Flockhart is apparently back to normal after collapsing on the “Ally McBeal” set LAST WEEK, says “Entertainment Tonight”. She was reportedly taken to hospital suffering from stress and dehydration, then released 6 hours later. (After they pumped some actual food into her through an IV.)
• Britain’s “Sun” tab claims bride-to-be Madonna has just plunked down $8.8 million for ANOTHER mansion in London, just a week or so after her last home was broken into. (Seems her business manager became confused when she said, “The security system in this house sucks. Replace it!”)
• “Q Online” reports that Eminem and wife Kim Mathers have now agreed to reconcile, even though he’s filed divorce papers. (Apparently he was running out of material to write angry lyrics about.)
• “Sun” claims Jennifer Lopez notched up the craziest demands in the long history of the Brit music show “Top Of The Pops”. To make a 7-minute appearance lip-syncing 2 songs LAST WEEK, she reportedly demanded 10 dressing rooms decorated with white muslin and ruffled lace, and 3 personal chefs flown in to feed her entourage of — get this — 60 people!
• According to “Star”, there was a big make-out competition at a Tinseltown car wash recently. Reportedly when Pam Anderson spotted her ex-, Tommy Lee, across the parking lot smooching with a hot new blonde companion, Pam laid a ‘tongue lashing’ on her new guy, male model Marcus Schenkenberg. (The juvenile antics continued as Tommy began chanting “Mine’s bigger than yours”.)
• According to “National Enquirer”, a female fan spotted Oprah Winfrey shopping and asked, “Where can I get gorgeous eyelashes like yours?” In the blink of an eye, Oprah ripped off her fake lashes, handed them over and said, “Here, take these!” (OK in that case, where can I get a bank account like yours?)
MORE FROM THE BS GOOFY GIFT GUIDE:
• A husband and wife romance writing team is offering couples the chance to star in their very own romance novel. Using responses to an online questionnaire, they generate a 150-page romance book, personalized with the lovers’ names. You can order the romance in two strengths — ‘mild’ and ‘wild’. (Just for a laugh, have one written with your name and your neighbor’s spouse.)
NET: http://www.yournovel.com
• ‘Underoos’, the maker of superhero underwear for kids, has just come out with a new line for adults — ‘Superman’ or ‘Batman’ for him and ‘Wonder Woman’ or ‘Supergirl’ for her. (Guaranteed to give the entire hospital a big laugh next time you’re in an accident.)
THE BULL SHEET 12.18.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [57] Keith Richards, Dartford ENG, Rolling Stones guitarist who now takes his “Brown Sugar” with lots of bran
1946 [54] Steven Spielberg, Cincinnati OH, film director/producer (“Saving Private Ryan”, “Jurassic Park”)/movie mogul (DreamWorks) NEXT FILM: Directs Haley Joel Osment in the sci-fi/drama “AI: Artificial Intelligence”, opening NEXT JUNE
1950 [50] Leonard Maltin, NYC, movie critic (“Entertainment Tonight”)/author (“Malton’s Guide”)
1963 [37] Brad Pitt, Shawnee OK, movie actor (“Fight Club”, “The Devil’s Own”)/Mr Jennifer Aniston NEXT FILMS: The Brit comedy “Snatch”, opening in JANUARY, and “The Mexican”, co-starring Julia Roberts, opening NEXT SPRING
1978 [22] Katie Holmes, Toledo OH, TV actress (Joey Potter-“Dawson’s Creek”)
1980 [20] Christina Aguilera, Staten Island NY, pop singer (“Come on Over”, “Genie in a Bottle”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
In ancient Rome, THIS WEEK was “Saturnalia”, the festival honoring Saturn the planter god, which was marked with these lasting traditions — the exchange of gifts, the illumination of lights, and the closing of businesses. Early Christian church leaders scheduled “Christmas” at this time of year partly to counteract this popular but disapproved pagan celebration.
TODAY is the 157th (1843) anniversary of Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol”. It only took him 6 weeks to write what was originally titled “A Christmas Carol in Prose, Being a Ghost Story of Christmas” (snappy huh?).
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1999 After living atop an ancient redwood in Humboldt County CA for 2 years, environmental activist Julia “Butterfly” Hill comes down, ending her anti-logging protest
1999 Christina Aguilera releases “What A Girl Wants” single on her 19th birthday
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1892 [108] 1st performance of Tchaikovsky’s holiday season favorite “Nutcracker Suite” (St Petersburg RUS)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1993 [07] World’s largest hotel opens (5000-room MGM Grand in Las Vegas)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Look At The Bright Side Day
[Thurs] 1st day of Winter
International Language Week
Safe Toys and Gifts Month (http://www.preventblindness.org)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Which is the only body secretion NOT considered disgusting by most people?
A: According to “New Woman” magazine, that would be tears.
BS TAG LINE: They say that kids brighten any home. That’s because they always leave the lights on.
