Wednesday, December 6, 2000 Edition: #1948
BS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED:
• Schizophrenia – “Do you Hear What I Hear?”
• Dementia — “I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas”
• Narcissistic — “Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me”
• Paranoid — “Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me”
• Personality Disorder — “Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire”
• Depression – “I’ll Have a Blue Christmas for Certain”
• Multiple Personality Disorder — “We Three Queens Disoriented Are”
BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:
Shania Twain has been voted the ‘Sexiest Vegetarian Alive’ in a new poll by PETA (she hasn’t eaten meat since she got married – like most women) . . . Buzz is several Brit bigwigs are pushing for Bill Clinton to become the next chancellor of England’s prestigious Oxford University when his current gig is up (it’s his alma matter — he won a Rhodes scholarship in 1968) . . . Speculation that Ellen DeGeneres’ ex-, Anne Heche, is expecting a baby with cameraman BOYfriend Coley Laffoon has been fueled by new (looking fat) photos and an official denial (the first indication of truth in Hollywood).
DOES SHE HAVE SILICONE BREASTS?
TODAY Roslin Institute, the Scottish lab that cloned ‘Dolly’ the sheep, unveils its new genetically modified chicken, ‘Britney’ the hen, a ‘special purpose medical supply animal’ whose eggs and descendants will contain medical components used to treat cancer. (Hey, if they can replace the horrors of chemotherapy with an omelette, we’re all for it!)
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Nosing’ . . . A disgusting new fad in Rome where teenagers run into expensive restaurants and blow their noses in patron’s food and then run out. (Nosing — it’s not just for disgruntled chefs anymore.)
• ‘Pimp’ . . . According to the “Los Angeles Times”, it’s the trendy new synonym for ‘cool’, as in “Wow Jen, that new outfit is really pimp!” (But can your pimp be pimp?)
DOES WAIST SIZE MEASURE YOUR IQ?
A team of American and German researchers believe they’ve found a ‘second brain’ made up of a knot of nerves in the stomach that stores information on emotional reactions. If the theory proves true, it would explain why we tend to get ‘gut feelings’. (Most men do their thinking further south.)
BLUE’S ALL THE RAGE:
The Color Marketing Group, an association of North American designers who work with color, says our current ‘desire for serenity in the environment’ will not only make blue THE color of 2001, but the most popular color of the decade. ‘Support colors’ will include soft hues of taupe and grey. (Great, I can still wear jeans and my formerly white T-shirt.)
I WANNA BE IN JAMES EARL JONES’ WILL:
Doctors in Bristol ENG will soon attempt the first-ever ‘voice-box transplant’. If successful, the recipient will have the same voice as the deceased donor. (Ewww, imagine if it was your mother-in-law!)
THE BULL SHEET 12.06.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1955 [45] Steven Wright, NYC, droll comedian whose weird observations include . . .
• “If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”
• “Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.”
• “A wino asked me for change. I gave him my shirt.”
• “I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
1956 [44] Peter Buck, Athens GA, rock guitarist (REM-“Losing My Religion”)
1962 [38] Janine Turner, Lincoln NE, movie actress (“Dr T and the Women”, “Cliffhanger”)/ex-TV actress (“Northern Exposure”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Pawnbrokers Day”, celebrated on “St Nicholas Day”, the saint who, among other things, is the patron saint of pawnbroking. Many European kids wake on “St Nicholas Day” to find candy and oranges in their shoes, or if they’ve been bad, a piece of coal. According to Dutch tradition, naughty children are whisked away to Spain by St Nick’s helper ‘Black Pete’. (Is it an all-inclusive?)
TODAY is “National Gazpacho Day”, in celebration of the spicy but cold Spanish soup. (To look like a real moron, order some in a restaurant and then blow on it to cool it down.)
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999 NASA admits it may have lost its Mars Polar Lander (forgot to use ‘The Club’)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1768 [232] 1st edition of “Encyclopaedia Britannica”
1877 [123] 1st ‘sound recording’ demonstrated (Thomas Edison recites “Mary had a Little Lamb”)
1945 [55] 1st ‘microwave oven’ is patented
1960 [40] 1st ‘Domino’s Pizza’ opens
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1983 [17] World record set for continuous whistling (45 hours, 20 minutes)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Cotton Candy Day
[Fri] Take It In The Ear Day
Universal Human Rights Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
NUMBER MNEMONICS:
The free Website ‘PhoneSpell’ spits out all the names and words that your phone number spells. Try looking up radio station numbers or providing suggestions for listeners’ numbers.
NET: http://www.phonespell.org/
BS TRIVIA:
Q: What does the ‘X’ stand for in ‘Xmas’?
A: It’s the first letter of the Greek word for Christ, ‘Xristos’. So any right wing religious zealot who tries to tell you the abbreviation is an attempt to take the ‘Christ’ out of ‘Christmas’ is full of hooey. The short form ‘Xmas’ has been around since at least the 16th century.
BS TAG LINE: Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
