December 4, 2000 Edition: #1946
We cut down ours on the weekend. Did you get yours? Here’s some BS . . .
SIGNS YOU’VE GOT A LOUSY CHRISTMAS TREE:
• Each branch has ‘Duraflame’ printed on it.
• You constructed it from a broom handle, a bunch of coat hangers and needles you found in the Dirt Devil.
• Sign at tree lot said ‘Charlie Brown approved dealer’.
• It’s very, very small and says ‘air freshener’ on it.
• It’s 2 feet tall, 40 feet wide.
• You haven’t taken it down from last year.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “E! Online” reports thieves broke into Madonna’s new Notting Hill digs in London FRIDAY and stole a number of items including her Range Rover while she and her Guy were asleep upstairs. Ironically, Madonna recently said she chose to live in London because she feels safer there. (She’s also a bigger fish over the pond.)
• “Entertainment Weekly” reports that Shania Twain has dumped plans for a Christmas album this year in order to continue writing songs for a new CD due in 2001. (Her holiday album was scheduled to include the festive tunes “Man I Feel Like an Egg Nog” and “Whose Bed Have Your Hoofs Been Under?”.)
• According to “National Enquirer”, Jim Carrey went gaga over Faith Hill while she was doing a video soundtrack for “The Grinch”, but when he sent her an expensive flower arrangement, her hubby Tim McGraw stepped in to demand the flirting be stopped. (Unconfirmed reports say Carrey fired back with his own rendition of “I Like It, I Love It, I Want Some of It”.)
• “Star” says Melanie Griffith is vowing revenge on the pharmaceutical companies she claims are responsible for getting her hooked on prescription drugs. (By sending blow-up photos of her hideously inflated collagen-injected lips?)
• “Enquirer” claims Calista Flockhart and Robert Downey Jr aren’t just acting when they steam up the camera with passionate kisses on “Ally McBeal”. While they haven’t gone public with the alleged affair, they’ve reportedly been spotted at private, late night dinners together. (Soon they’ll be kissing through the safety mesh on visitors’ day at the pen.)
• And our favorite trashy headlines of the week courtesy of “Weekly World News” – “Help! I’ve got a bomb in my nose!”, “Hapless bride bursts into flames on her wedding day!”, “Carve your Christmas turkey the OJ way!” and “Lightning strikes punk’s nose ring and blows his face off!”.
TOO SMART TO GET AHEAD:
Harvard psychologist Daniel Goleman says your IQ contributes only about 20% to your life’s success. The other 80%, he claims, is a result of ‘emotional intelligence’, the ability to make good personal decisions and get along with people. (In other words, kissing butt.)
GUESS IT’S TIME TO SELL THE 8-TRACK:
A new opinion poll finds 37% of young people now think CDs will be obsolete within 5 years, replaced by a totally ‘virtual record collection’ downloaded from the Web. (Aren’t you glad you just blew 3 grand on a 12-CD carousel player?)
SMOOCH SURVEY:
A “Family Life” magazine poll finds that 79% of people kiss their partner at least once a day. (The other 21% are married.)
THE BULL SHEET 12.04.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [60] Barbara Amiel, magazine columnist (“Maclean’s”)/Hollinger VP Editorial/Mrs Conrad Black
1949 [51] Jeff Bridges, LA CA, movie actor (“Arlington Road”, “The Mirror Has Two Faces”)
1955 [45] Brian Prout, Troy NY, country singer (Diamond Rio-“Meet in the Middle”)
1964 [36] Marisa Tomei, Brooklyn NY, film actress (Oscar-“My Cousin Vinny”) NEXT FILM Co-stars with Mel Gibson in “What Women Want” opening DECEMBER 15
1973 [27] Tyra Banks, LA CA, model/TV actress (Jane Scott-“Felicity”)/movie actress (“Coyote Ugly”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “St Barbara’s Day”, patron saint of firemen, architects, mathematicians, fireworks, miners, sailors, and against lightning, fire, explosions, and sudden death. Tradition has it that girls should place a cherry tree twig in a glass of water on this day. According to the old custom, if it blooms by Christmas Eve, they’ll marry in the next year.
Some idiot somewhere has decided TODAY is “Wear Brown Shoes Day”. To get the full effect, make sure you wear ‘em with something black.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1909 [91] 1st ‘Grey Cup’ game (University of Toronto 26, Toronto Parkdale Canoe Club 6)
1930 [70] Vatican 1st approves ‘rhythm method’ of birth control
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] 2000 Billboard Music Awards
[Tues] Bathtub Party Day
[Wed] St Nicholas Day
Tolerance Week
Safe Toys and Gifts Month (NET: http://www.preventblindness.org)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
• 34 years ago TODAY (1966) the “New York Times” predicted THIS would be only a passing fad. Was it — the mini-skirt, the Beatles, or the trendy word ‘groovy’? [The mini-skirt.]
• How long does it take to grow the average 6-foot Christmas tree — 2 years, 7 years, or 15 years? [National Christmas Tree Association says 7 years. And all the needles fall off in about 7 days.]
• According to a new study, how often do we use filler words, such as ‘um’, ‘well’, or ‘you know’ in normal conversation – once per minute, every 15 seconds, or every 8th word? [Every 7th or 8th word on, um, average.]
• In England, what does the slang term ‘bap’ refer to — sex, a real loser or a hamburger bun? [It’s a hamburger bun.]
• According to trend-watchers in “Time” magazine, how many women can actually claim to be a ‘supermodel’ – 3, 6, or 21? [Only 6, and they are Naomi Campbell, Kate Moss, Cindy Crawford, Linda Evangelista, Christy Turlington and Claudia Schiffer ]
• Where would you find a police force that apprehends criminals using paintballs – Japan, Newfoundland, or Whoville? [According to the “Washington Post”, when a policeman in Tokyo chases a suspect, he’s supposed to splatter him with an indelible red paintball that makes the suspect very visible under flourescent light for later apprehension. Paintballs have been standard issue to law officers in Japan for several years.]
BS TAG LINE: There are only two things a small child will share willingly — communicable diseases and their mother’s age.
