Wednesday, February 27, 2002        Edition: #2242
Just another infomaniac speeding on the Infobahn.

IF ONLY LIFE WAS LIKE A COMPUTER:
• Whenever you messed up, you could press ALT, CONTROL, DELETE and start all over!
• To get your daily exercise, you’d just click on RUN!
• If you needed a break from life, you’d simply press ESCAPE.
• To improve your appearance, you’d only need to adjust PREFERENCES.
• When you lost your car keys, you could click on FIND.
• Auto insurance wouldn’t be necessary. You could use your diskette to recover from a crash.

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• If something isn’t ‘out of whack’, is it IN whack?
• Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
• Why is it that night ‘falls’ but day ‘breaks’?
• Where does the white go when snow melts?
• If you eat pasta and then antipasto would you still be hungry?
• How come there aren’t ‘B’ batteries?
• When Mom said “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been” was she referring to singles bars?

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
The music career comeback ain’t clicking so Michael Jackson is now looking to become a film mogul, investing over $15 million in Montréal-based filmmaker MDP Worldwide Entertainment, which will now go under the banner of Neverland Pictures (its first film will be “The United States of Leland” which began production THIS MONTH) . . . Word is NBC-TV’s Winter Olympics host Bob Costas is in talks to jump to ABC, enticed by the network’s coverage of the NFL, NCAA basketball and Major League Baseball – and likely a boost to his current $3 million a year salary . . . In his upcoming autobiography “Lucky Man: A Memoir” actor Michael J Fox admits he ‘went ballistic’ a decade ago when he first learned he had Parkinson’s disease and used booze in a desperate attempt to cope . . . “Survivor” creator Mark Burnett is now developing a martial arts reality TV show that will pit contestants against each other in an “Enter the Dragon”-style competition . . . “Malcolm in the Middle” mom Jane Kaczmarek walked off the show’s set 2 weeks ago complaining of migraine headaches, but the real reason for the exit may be — more money — a demand producers are refusing to give in to, scrapping the seasons’s final few episodes . . . As a wedding gift on the weekend, LeAnn Rimes gave new hubby Dean Sheremet — a snowboard with her picture on it.

44TH ANNUAL GRAMMY AWARDS:
• TONIGHT on Global/CBS-TV at 8pm from LA’s Staples Center, hosted by ”The Daily Show’s” Jon Stewart for the 2nd consecutive year.
• U2 leads all nominees with 8 nominations, followed by rising star India.Arie with 7, and Alicia Keys with 6. Canada’s Nelly Furtado is nominated in 4 categories.
• Performances include U2, Alicia Keys, Dave Matthews Band, ‘N Sync with Nelly, and a tribute to the “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” soundtrack.
• Special events include Billy Joel & Tony Bennett in a duet of “New York State of Mind”, nominated for best pop collaboration, and Patti LaBelle, who had a #1 hit with “Lady Marmalade” 25 years ago, sharing the stage with Christina Aguilera, Pink, Lil’ Kim, Missy Elliott & Mya for the updated version.
• After that tussle earlier this year between Dick Clark’s “American Music Awards” and the Grammys over Michael Jackson appearances — it turns out he won’t perform at all.
• ‘Lifetime Achievement’ awards go to R&B singer Al Green and Canadian folky Joni Mitchell.

NEW-CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘High Altitude Flatus Expulsion’ — A newly-identified condition experienced by mountain climbers. It seems that at heights above 11,000 feet, air pressure is so low there is less resistance to the release of body gases and uncontrollable, ‘pneumatic flatulence’ occurs.
• ‘Vacuums’ — Slang term for something that ‘sucks’ — slightly. (“That new Julia Louis Dreyfuss show is alright, but it kinda vacuums.”)
• ‘Kreteks’ (KREE-tex) – Indonesian clove-flavored cigarettes that have become popular, perhaps due to the misconception that they don’t contain tobacco. They not only do, but also have 2 to 3 times more nicotine and tar than domestic brands.

SNOW JOB:
A giant revolving ski slope could be built in Wales within a few years, if a UK company is granted planning permission. Enclosed within a huge dome, the 13-story-high ‘Ski-Trac’ slope would resemble a CD player on an incline. Skiers travel down the side of the revolving slope at the same time as it spins upwards. New snow would be made constantly on the ‘up’ side of the disc, so that it would be fresh when it comes around to the skiers. Another slope based on this design is planned for construction near Sydney, Australia.

BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• German police recently pulled over a suspected drunk driver who was zig-zagging all over the road in Goettingen, but found out booze wasn’t the problem – he had a snake in his pants! The 21-year-old was on his way to the vet when his 5-ft pet adder escaped from its cage and crawled up his pant leg. German daily “Bild” reports the man was released without being charged — after the cops helped free his snake.
• A 40-year-old theater patron attending the “Lord of the Rings” in Terrace, British Columbia trashed the theater’s snack bar, cash register and a plant in the lobby because he was upset with what he considered — excessive violence in the film.
• British medical journal “The Practitioner” has determined that bird-watching may be hazardous to your health. The magazine, in fact, has officially designated bird-watching a ‘hazardous hobby’, after documenting the death of a weekend bird-watcher who became so immersed in his subject that he grew oblivious to his surroundings and was eaten by a crocodile.
• In Bangor, Maine two female ‘streakers’ have been acquitted on a charge of indecent conduct for running around naked. According to the judge in the case, they cannot be found guilty because state law stipulates it requires ‘exposure of the genitals’, which would be difficult for females since their organs are mostly internal.

DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO:
Richard A Moran’s book “Never Confuse a Memo With Reality” offers advice for the business person. Among the tips for better communication is this –
    “Reduce all analysis to 3 bullet points. No one will take time to understand, pay attention or remember anymore.”
Interestingly, this is Tip #181 in the book!

UNDER PRESSURE:
Don’t have the stamina to stay on a diet? According to acupuncturists, there is a point on the head that you can press to control your appetite. It is located in the hollow just in front of the flap of the ear. (Try it!)

SMOOCH STATS:
“When was your first real kiss?”
• Age 15-17 (37.8%)
• Age 12-14 (31.6%)
• Can’t remember (10.5%)
• Under age 12 (9.6%)
• Age 18-21 (9.4%)
• Still waiting (1.1%)
(Source: Zogby poll)

THE BULL SHEET 02.27.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1930 [72] Joanne Woodward, Thomasville GA, movie actress (Oscar-“Three Faces of Eve”)/Mrs Paul Newman since 1958

1932 [70] Dame Elizabeth Taylor, London ENG, film actress (Oscars-“Butterfield 8″, “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf”)/AIDS activist (AMFAR)/wed 8 times

1934 [68] Ralph Nader, Winsted CT, 2000 US presidential candidate (Green Party)/consumer advocate

    1971 [31] Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas, Atlanta GA, pop/R&B singer (TLC-“Unpretty”, “No Scrubs”)

1980 [22] Chelsea Clinton, Little Rock AR, only child of Bill & Hillary Clinton/Oxford University student

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TONIGHT “Canadian Music Week” (the annual festival of schmooze & booze) kicks off in Toronto with the ‘Independent Music Awards’ and continues through Sunday with some 175 music acts playing 20 downtown clubs. The music industry conference and exhibition runs simultaneously at the Westin Harbour Castle Hotel.

TODAY is “International Polar Bear Day”, to heighten awareness of the declining population of the big white guys. (Where can you find the greatest concentration of polar bears? At the ‘toonie’ mint!)

TODAY is “No Brainer Day”, when we’re encouraged to slack off. Any activity attempted should be something done without serious thought — a ‘no brainer’ activity. (Like this show, for instance.)

TODAY is the 8th annual “Spay Day USA” when each of us is encouraged to have at least one cat or dog spayed or neutered to help resolve the problem of pet overpopulation (do NOT attempt this in your home). Almost a half-million animals have been ‘altered’ on this day since the Doris Day Animal Foundation began the campaign in 1995.
PHONER: 1-888-PETS 911
NET: http://www.ddaf.org/SpayDay

TODAY-Sunday the 8th annual “US Comedy Arts Festival” is on in Aspen CO. This year’s ‘Celebration of Free Speech’ theme honors comedians Lily Tomlin, the Smothers Bros, “Politically Incorrect” host Bill Maher, and “South Park” creators Matt Stone & Trey Parker.
Whoopi Goldberg will receive the ‘2002 AFI Star Award.
NET: http://www.hbo.com/comedy/uscaf/index.html

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1827 [175] 1st ‘Mardi Gras’ celebration in New Orleans (1st co-ed flashes to get a cheap string of beads)

1974 [28] 1st issue of “People” magazine (Mia Farrow on the cover)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] “Survivor: Marquesas” debuts
[Fri] Lions vs Lambs as March comes in
[Fri] 2001 RRSP deadline
Telecommuter Appreciation Week (try a telecommuter traffic report!)
National Embroidery Month (celebrating what you do to the truth)

BULL’S BITS . . .
GREAT PICK-UP LINES:
(according to Eric Weber’s book “How to Pick Up Girls!”)
• “Don’t ever cut your hair.”
• “Do you mind if I join you so that I don’t have to eat my lunch all alone?”
• “I’ll bet your name is Lisa.”
• “Are you Swedish?”
• “Is my tie straight?”
• “Do you have an aspirin?”
• “What color are your eyes? They’re beautiful.”
• “Didn’t I meet you in Istanbul?”

LOUSY PICKUP LINES:
(according to a “Washington Post” readers’ poll)
• “Can I buy you a drink? My wife has been in labor for 12 hours and I’m really stressed out.”
• “Hi. You’ve never been here before. I know because I’ve been here every night for the past 8 years.”
• “Greetings to you. I am wanting very much to be mating with your body.”
• “I may not bet the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.”
• “Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?”
• “Look at you with all those curves and me with no brakes!”
• “Are you going to drink the rest of that?”

ROADIE FOR A DAY:
Here’s a little contest to tie in with a record store, record company or concert promoter. Listeners call in or register to qualify to be a stage hand/gopher when a hot act comes to town. Have the winner do hourly updates on-air. Make sure they get CDs, autographs, tour shirts, etc.

WEB GOODIE:
Find out what your co-workers call you behind your back at the ‘Work Nickname Generator’.
NET: http://users.snip.net/~cbravo/v2/funn.htm

BS BRAIN BUSTER:
Two sisters were born on the same year, month, day, and minute. They were born in the same hospital, same delivery room and have the same 2 parents. But they are NOT twins – how can that be? [They also have another sister, making them triplets.]

BS Q & A:
Q: In what kind of booze are juniper berries used for flavor?
A: Gin.

Q: Which popular fruit ripens AFTER it’s picked?
A: The banana.

BS TAG LINE:
Life is sexually transmitted.