Thursday, February 21, 2002 Edition: #2238
Sheet Happens!
THIS WEEK is “National Engineers Week”, so hurray for hard-hats and slide rules!
YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF . . .
• You’ve actually used every single function on your calculator.
• You consider ANY non-science course ‘easy’.
• Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
• You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.
• You use a CAD package to design your son’s soapbox derby car.
• You window shop at Radio Shack.
• You know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
• You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
• You did the sound system for your senior prom.
• Your 3-year-old asks why the sky is blue and you explain atmospheric absorption theory.
• You’ve already calculated how much you make per second.
• You have no life — and you can PROVE it mathematically.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT top eaters from around the world will meet in “The Glutton Bowl”, a 2-hour FOX-TV special with a $25,000 top prize (no BS – the event is sanctioned by the ‘International Federation of Competitive Eating’) . . . Britney Spears’ publicist is now denying Ms Spears will appear in an upcoming episode “Sex & The City”, saying the reports are simply ‘untrue’ (translated from Hollywoodese — the money wasn’t good enough) . . . Teen girls will swoon — “Dawson’s Creek” stars James Van Der Beek and Kerr Smith have both become engaged, Van Der Beek to actress Heather McComb (ex-“Party of Five”), and Smith (the show’s token gay character) to actress Ali Hillis (ex-“Felicity”).
MOVIES IN THE MAKIN’:
Don Cheadle (“Ocean’s Eleven”, “Traffic”) will make his directorial debut with “Tishomingo Blues”, a bigscreen adaptation of the just-released new Elmore Leonard novel (previous Leonard books on the bigscreen include “Out of Sight”, “Jackie Brown” and “Get Shorty”). . . Lest you fear there’s not enough kid movies coming, relax – Disney is preparing both “The Jungle Book II” and “Piglet’s Big Movie” for theatrical release NEXT YEAR . . . THIS WEEK shooting began on the comedy “Duplex”, with Danny DeVito directing Drew Barrymore and Ben Stiller, the first major film to shoot on location in NYC since 9/11 . . . Why anyone would want her after ”Glitter” is a mystery, but Mariah Carey will star in “Sweet Science” as a boxing manager who signs up an unknown female boxer in order to make a name for them both.
NEW OLYMPIC EVENT:
46-year-old Victoria Liljenquist of Phoenix AZ, who claims to have had numerous visits with space aliens, is predicting an alien delegation called ‘The Brotherhood of Light’ will make their presence known TODAY over Salt Lake City. She claims she ‘pinned them down’ to a time and the friendly fly-by of ‘a cigar shaped-craft with a scout fleet’ will occur between noon and 5pm. (NBC is trying to negotiate a postponement until prime-time.)
NET: www.victoriaslight.com
NOT A GIRL, BUT SOON A GAME:
A new Britney Spears computer game called ‘Britney’s Dance Beat’ hits the market NEXT MONTH. Players select from a choice of characters auditioning to be back-up dancers on her tour. The better you tap the beat on the controller, the better the character dances. The ultimate prize is dancing with digital Britney in a simulated concert. (Be still my heart!)
OOPS! BIG MONEY MISTAKE:
A mistake in an immunity challenge on “Survivor: Africa” has cost CBS-TV an extra $200-grand in prize money. The network has quietly awarded both tattoo man Lex and goat rancher Tom $100,000 2nd-place prizes on top of the $1 million that went to ultimate survivor Ethan and the 100-grand to runner-up Kim. The glitch occurred when the contestants were asked to recall personal details about their fellow survivors. Lex apparently had an answer correct but was ruled to be wrong. (If all of this makes any difference whatsoever in your life, you’ll be excited to know “Survivor: Marquesas” debuts a week from TONIGHT.)
WOMEN TRY HARDER:
A Stanford University study shows women underestimate the energy expended when they describe their daily activity. Seems women spend 17% of their day at a ‘mid-intensity’ energy level, while men average just 11%.
WOMAN’S WORK:
75% of adults say they like to cook, according to a “US News & World Report” poll. But when asked who is the principal cook in the household, 87% of women say they are, compared to just 35% of men. (“Sure I’ll cook — we got any pizza coupons?”)
SIZING UP:
The makers of a new gel called ‘Bust Booster’ claim it increases bust size by 3 inches. It purportedly works by increasing blood flow, thereby swelling breasts by one cup size. The good news is – it works in minutes. The bad news – it only lasts 5 hours. A company spokeswoman says the product seems to work on any part of the body. (And it works best if you slather it on 3-inches-thick.)
THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT:
British designer Louise Cain has developed ‘The G-Force Resistant Bra’ which uses SHOCK-ABSORBING SPRINGS and HYDRAULICS in its hi-tech cups to maintain shape at any angle — even upside down. Cain, who’s an avid skydiver, came up with the idea after seeing the effect extreme sports have on well-endowed girls’ assets, and says she’s had very positive feedback from those who’ve tried it. (Only problem with this marvel of engineering is you have to take it in for an oil change every 3 months.)
BUTT NEWS:
• It looks like new cigarettes with tobacco that’s genetically-altered to be low in nicotine will be available in the US by this spring. The smokes made by Vector Group would make the altered tobacco one of the first ‘biotech crops’ to be used by consumers. (At least, since those tomatoes that were genetically-altered to be hard, tasteless and pukey pink.)
• The USA’s 4th-largest cigarette maker Lorillard Tobacco is suing an anti-smoking group over a radio ad that implies the company adds DOG URINE to its cigarettes. (That’s not the urine, you fools!)
LESS STRESS THROUGH LIGHTING:
Recent studies show that people who work using incandescent desk lamps instead of fluorescent overheads are less tired, less stressed and less irritable by the end of the day.
MAY-DECEMBER LASTS A LONG TIME:
Contrary to what you might think, the greater the age split between older husbands and younger wives, the lower the chance they’ll divorce. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the divorce rate drops to 26% when the husband is at least 10 years older than the wife. (Hmm, maybe Michael Douglas is on to something!)
THE BULL SHEET 02.21.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [56] Alan Rickman, London ENG, movie actor (Professor Severus Snape-“Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone”, terrorist leader Hans Gruber-“Die Hard”) NEXT MOVIE: “Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets“
1953 [49] William Petersen, Evanston IL, TV actor (the boss Gil Grissom-“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation”)
1955 [47] Kelsey Grammar, St Thomas US Virgin Is, highest-paid TV actor (about $1.6 million per episode) who has won 3 Emmy Awards for “Frasier” since 1993/only actor nominated for the same character in 3 different TV shows (‘Frasier Crane’ in “Cheers”, “Frasier”, and a guest appearance on “Wings”)/Betty Ford Clinic alumnus
1958 [44] Mary Chapin Carpenter, Princeton NJ, country singer with 5 Grammy Awards (“He Thinks He’ll Keep Her”, “I Feel Lucky”)
1970 [32] Eric Heatherly, Chattanooga TN, country singer (“Flowers on the Wall”, “Swimming In Champagne”)/one-time back-up singer for Shania Twain
1976 [26] Ryan Smyth, Banff AB, hockey forward (2002 Canadian Olympic team, Edmonton Oilers)
1979 [23] Jennifer Love Hewitt, Waco TX, movie actress (“Heartbreakers”, “I [Still] Know What You Did Last Summer”) NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Jackie Chan in the action comedy “The Tuxedo”, opening JUNE 7 (shot in Toronto)
1986 [16] Charlotte Church, Llandaff WALES, classical vocal phenom (“Voice of an Angel”) who’ll perform at the Olympics closing ceremony QUOTE:”Me an angel? Just ask my mom about that!”
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Card Reading Day”, which either has something to do with tarot cards or getting around to reading all your Christmas cards so you can finally toss them out.
TODAY is “International Residence Hall Student Staff Recognition Day” (aka ‘Honor the Weasels Day’).
TODAY is UN “International Mother Language Day”. (As I remember my school days, Latin was a real mother language.)
THIS WEEKEND is “Second Honeymoon Weekend”, set aside for all couples to spend quality time together away from ‘the grind and routine of their daily lives’. (And to get everything right that they messed up the first time. Don’t forget to reserve early at ‘Motel 6-Bucks-An-Hour’.)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1878 [124] 1st ‘telephone book’, published in New Haven CT, contains no numbers, just a listing of the 50 people who have phones (users call the operator and ask for a name)
1931 [71] ‘Alka Seltzer’ 1st introduced (the original ‘morning after’ pill)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1979 [23] This has to be the record for basketball futility — an Iowa high school girls’ basketball game goes scoreless for 4 quarters, then finally ends 4-2 in the FOURTH overtime
1983 [19] Donald Davis runs mile in record time of 6 minutes, 7 seconds — BACKWARDS
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Be Humble Day
[Fri] Washington’s Birthday (USA)
[Sat] International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
[Sun] 2002 Olympic Winter Games close
Child Passenger Safety Awareness Week
International Twit Award Month
Black History Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SIGNS YOU’RE TIRED OF WATCHING THE OLYMPICS:
• All that’s left of your Olympic fever is a dry hacking cough.
• Last night you actually said, “Oh good, there’s a Seinfeld rerun on tonight.”
• You’ve given up searching the Web trying to find out how to say ‘screw you’ in Finnish.
• You’ve decided against naming your newborn daughter Jamie, Catriona or Picabo.
• You catch yourself mimicking the snarky, know-it-all ‘expert’ color commentators.
• Whenever the Olympic theme music ends you find you’ve put another fork into the back of your hand.
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What’s the one thing you learned in high school that you still use today?”
• “What is your spouse’s weird eating habit?”
BS ‘FIND THE FAKE’:
Two of the following are actual tabloid headlines, One is a total fake, but which?
GAME #1 –
• “One-Legged Tap Dancer Saves Money on Shoes!” [FAKE]
• “Boy Bands Are Making Our Kids Gay!”
• “Stinky Demons Terrorize Poland!”
GAME #2 –
• “Most Ghosts Are Nuns!”
• “New Hope For the Dead!”
• “Eating Donuts Makes You Slimmer!” [FAKE]
GAME #3 —
• “Researchers Discover Language That Only Women Understand!”
• “Cannibal Eats Mother-In-Law and She Still Disagrees With Him!” [FAKE]
• “Ice Skater Chokes on Flying Sequin!”
BS Q & A:
Q: How many times does the average person laugh in any given day — 5 times, 15 times, or 50 times?
A: The average person laughs 15 times a day.
(Source: “Weird Yet True”)
BS TAG LINE:
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.
