Tuesday, February 12, 2002        Edition: #2231
Time once again to see if we can connect the mouth bone to the brain bone.

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why do supermarkets use the express checkout for on-the-job training of cashiers?
• Why do magazines spend so much time nagging you about what you should eat and how much you should weigh, then in the same issue publish the latest chocolate fudge cake recipe?
• Is that new Winter Games event called ‘Skeleton’ because that’s all they find of any fool who would choose to zoom down an ice course at 130 clicks on a rickety sled FACE-FIRST?
• On “The Brady Bunch”, if ‘Mike Brady’ was such a great architect why did they have SIX kids and only ONE bathroom?
• If the Winter Olympics has luge why can’t the Summer Olympics have a huge water slide?
• Should there be a warning label on booze stating “Excessive consumption can result in karaoke”?

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY at 5:30am PST the nominees for the “74th Academy Awards” are announced (http://www.oscar.com) . . . Not to be outdone, free-spirited “High Times” magazine has nominated “Blow”, “How High”, “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back”, “Brooklyn Babylon” and “The Wash” for its annual ‘Best Picture’ award, and will also hand out honors for ‘Best Psychedelic Scene’ and ‘Pot Scene of the Year’ . . . Nelly Furtado is on THIS WEEK’S cover of “Entertainment Weekly” alongside fellow Grammy nominees Alicia Keys and India.Arie . . . Super dad Mel Gibson spent quality time with his oldest kid Hannah on her 21st birthday during a 4-day stay at the exclusive Two Bunch Palms spa in Desert Hot Springs CA, where he treated her to deep-tissue massages and side-by-side mud baths . . . And Madonna will sing the theme song for the now-shooting, but still-untitled, 20th ‘James Bond’ film, a task performed on previous ‘Bond’ films by Tina Turner, Duran Duran and Shirley Bassey (the kiss of death to a singer’s career?).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
The lives of a widow and her son change when a mysterious stranger played by Anthony Hopkins enters their lives in the adventure drama “Hearts in Atlantis” (for once, the heart’s not in his mouth) . . . Ms Spears manages to cover most parts of her body at one time or another during the concert video “Britney Spears: Live from Las Vegas” . . . And Disney’s 1953 animated classic “Peter Pan” is re-released on a ‘Special Edition DVD’ (what makes it ‘special’ is you spending money on it again after 50 years).

VALENTINES BY THE NUMBERS:
• According to an online survey by online retailer amazon.com, 1 in 9 Valentine cards are sent by people to – themselves. Seems that’s one way to save face on the dreaded V-day!
• In a romance poll, 13% of women admit they have said “I love you” to a man in order to get him into the sack. Like that’s really necessary? (A related poll shows 80% of women have said “I love you” to a guy in order to get him to leave.)

NEW FROM THE PURPLE KETCHUP PEOPLE:
Beginning in MAY, Heinz will begin selling a new line called ‘Funky Fries’, 5 new shapes, colors and flavors of frozen potato products, including — french fries flavored with sour cream & chives, cinnamon-and-sugar potato rings, sky blue seasoned french fries, and brown, chocolate fries — for ‘kids with a sweet tooth’. (Testing shows that some of this stuff may actually qualify as food.)

ACCIDENTAL ZODIAC:
A new study by Australian financial services group Suncorp Metway ranks accident-prone drivers by astrology sign. It’s based on 160,000 car accident insurance claims from the past 3 years. The most accident-prone star signs [and their dates of birth] –
1. Gemini [May 21-June 21]
2. Taurus [Apr 20-May 20]
3. Pisces [Feb 19-Mar 20]
4. Virgo [Aug 23-Sept 22]
5. Cancer [June 22-July 22]
(What if you’re a Taurus and you DRIVE a Taurus?)

CAR LOVERS POLL:
Highlights of an online survey by Progressive Insurance Co —
• 78% of respondents admit to ‘loving’ their vehicles.
• 63% actually talk to them.
• 43% consider their vehicles to be ‘part of the family’.
• 12% value their vehicles more than anything else in their lives, including their children.
• Asked what they’d do if they had an extra $500 to blow, the #1 response from men was ‘buy something for my car’.

SWALLOW TALES:
• A Rottweiler named ‘Siren’ in Redkey, Indiana has died of copper sulphate poisoning after eating — 505 coins. A vet managed to remove a total of $23.28-worth of change weighing 5 lbs from the dog’s stomach shortly before she died. The poor pooch’s owner admits to squirrelling away spare change in a jar kept on the floor. (“How’s the patient?” “No change.”)
• In the UK, a Springer Spaniel named ‘Belle’ has had 427 patio pebbles, weighing a total of 3 lbs, removed from her stomach. Her owner says the dog vomited up another 200 before the operation. (But the good news is, she has a new contract to appear on “Fear Factor”.)

CAN WE SELL THEM AIR, TOO?
The Canadian Iceberg Corporation is about to start selling its product in the UK. The company takes chunks of icebergs from the Newfoundland coast, grinds and melts them on a barge, then bottles the water as an upmarket beverage. There’s no shortage of raw material — about 40,000 icebergs a year break off Greenland and drift toward Newfoundland. (But take a lesson from the ‘Titanic’, never christen your boat with a bottle of ‘Iceberg’.)

THE BULL SHEET 02.12.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1970 [32] Jim Creeggan, Toronto ON, rock musician (Barenaked Ladies-“Pinch Me”, “One Week”)

1972 [30] Owen Nolan, Belfast N IRE [raised Thorold ON], hockey forward (2002 Canadian Olympic Team, San Jose Sharks)

1980 [22] Christina Ricci, Santa Monica CA, movie actress (“Sleepy Hollow”, “The Ice Storm”) NEXT FILMS: Had 3 films premiere at this year’s “Sundance Film Festival” – the romantic comedy “Pumpkin”, about a sorority girl who’s drawn to a disabled man, “The Laramie Project”,  the true story of a US town in the wake of the murder, and “Miranda”, about a British librarian who has a passionate affair with a mysterious woman who walks into his library.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[The Hague NETH] Former Yugoslav president Slobodan Milosevic goes on trial for war crimes
[USA] Lincoln’s Birthday (1809)

TODAY is the beginning of the “Chinese New Year” celebration, the first day of year 4699 according to the Chinese calendar. ‘Happy New Year’ in Chinese is pronounced ‘Gung Hay Fat Choy’. For those interested in Chinese astrology, it is a ‘Year of the Horse’, and more specifically, a BLACK horse year. ‘Horse people’ are cheerful, popular and smart with money, but may be too talkative and showy. Look up your sign and find out about yourself here —
NET: http://www.chinese-astrology.com/yoursign.asp

TODAY, “Shrove Tuesday”, is the climax of “Mardi Gras” and “Carnival” celebrations around-the-world. It’s also observed as “Pancake Day”, the last feast before Lent. Since 1445, women in Olney, England have participated in a “Pancake Race”, running a 415-yard, ‘S’-shaped course carrying a pancake in a skillet. Since 1950, the women of Liberal KS have been competing against their Brit counterparts.
NET: http://www.pancakeday.com

TODAY is “Lost Penny Day”, set aside to collect all of those wasted pennies stashed in jars and drawers around the house and put them back into circulation. (Because a penny saved is — a waste of time.)

THIS WEEK is “International Flirting Week”. A “Matchmaker’s” poll finds that 73% of online respondents have used e-mail to flirt. 50% find it easier to flirt via e-mail than in person. And 36% admit to flirting on-line despite being in a committed relationship.

THIS MONTH is “Creative Romance Month”, when couples are encouraged to put the sizzle back into their relationships by adding some ‘intrigue’. Greg JP Godek wrote the book “1001 Ways to be Romantic” and his Website is full of ideas for “Valentines Day”, including the ‘100 Best Love Songs of the 20th Century’.
NET: http://www.1001waystoberomantic.com

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2001 US Court of Appeals orders Napster to stop offering copyrighted music for free (party poopers!)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1878 [124] 1st-ever ‘baseball catcher’s mask’ (Frederick Thayer-Harvard University Baseball Club)

1879 [123] 1st ‘artificial ice’ rink in North America (Madison Square Garden-NYC)

1898 [104] 1st ‘auto accident fatality’ (later that day, 1st lawyer bangs on the door of auto accident victim’s family)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1949 [53] Canada beats Denmark 47-0 in international hockey (what, no mercy rule?)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Ash Wednesday
[Wed] Get A Different Name Day
[Fri] National Flag of Canada Day
[Mar 20] 1st Day of Spring
[Mar 24] 74th Academy Awards
[Mar 31] Easter
National Condom Week/Contraceptive Awareness Week
Kraut & Frankfurter Week
National Crime Prevention Month
International Twit Award Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONERS:
The ‘International Belt Sander Drag Race Association’ is a group of woodworking fanatics who like to soup up their tools for better performance. The ‘modified’ category allows substitution of more powerful motors. A winning ‘drag race sander’ typically zips along the 75-foot track in under 3 seconds. They even have an annual World Championship. OK, how did this lunacy get started?
PHONER: 250-362-7300 (Rossland Pro Hardware, Rossland BC)/604-277-1191 (Rod’s Building Supplies, Richmond BC)
406-446-3388 (Rock Creek Do it Best, Red Lodge MT [home of the 2001 championship])
NET: http://www.beltsander-races.com

ALL-TIME CHEESIEST LOVE SONGS:
“(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” – Bryan Adams
“Have I Told You Lately that I Love You?” – Rod Stewart
“Can You Feel the Love Tonight” – Elton John
“Glory of Love” – Peter Cetera
“Just the Way You Are” – Billy Joel
“Keep on Loving You” – REO Speedwagon
“I Just Called To Say I Love You” – Stevie Wonder
“My Heart Will Go On” – Celine Dion
“Wind Beneath My Wings” – Bette Midler
“Lady in Red” – Chris De Burgh
(Source: “Ottawa Sun”)

BS POLL:
Survey kids 12 and under on your Website or voicemail on who they’d most like to marry. You’re sure to get some bizarre answers. (A Premier Christian Radio poll of more than 200 pre-teens found boys picking Madonna and ‘Lara Croft’, and girls selecting Britain’s Prince William and ‘Harry Potter’.)

BS ‘FIND THE FAKE’:
Two of the following are ACTUAL recent tabloid headlines. The other one is a fake, but which one?
GAME #1 –
• “Raise Well-Behaved Children Without EVER Having to Beat Them!”
• “How the Cook’s Panties Wound Up in the Soup!”
• “Olympic Ski Jumper Passes Out From Altitude” [FAKE]

GAME #2 —
• “Sentimental Ex-Con Sends Former Cell-Mate Real Human Heart For Valentines” [FAKE]
• “Amazing Crab Plays Chess!”
• “Your Car is Twice As Likely to Burst Into Flames as You!”

BS SNOW JOB:
Q: Is it true the Inuit have 100 different words for snow?
A: That’s a well-circulated but totally untrue urban myth. In the Inuktitut language there are just 2 root words for snow — ‘qanik’ for falling snow, and ‘aput’ for snow on the ground. In reality, the Inuit have about the same number of words for snow as English-speaking Canadians.

Q: What’s the difference between a ‘winter storm watch’ and a ‘winter storm warning’?
A: A ‘watch’ alerts you to the fact that severe weather is possible. A ‘warning’ means
severe weather is about to begin.

Q: What’s the difference between freezing rain and sleet?
A: Freezing rain is rain that freezes when it hits the ground. Sleet is rain that turns to ice pellets before hitting the ground.

Q: What percentage of US rivers, lakes, and estuaries are too polluted for safe swimming?
A: It’s estimated that more than 40% of American rivers and lakes are unsafe for swimming. (Things are pretty bad when you have to give your worm a tetanus shot before going fishing.)
(Source: Clean Water Network)

BS TAG LINE:
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.