Monday, February 11, 2002        Edition: #2230
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier!

‘OLD’ IS WHEN . . .
• Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”
• Your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
• A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
• Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
• You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
• When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.
• “Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
• “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
• An “all nighter” means not getting up to pee.

BS TABLOID TIDBITS:
• “E! Online” notes that N Sync singer Chris Kirkpatrick’s ‘FuMan Skeeto’ spring and summer women’s sportswear line makes its debut TONIGHT at the “Girls Rule!” fashion show during “New York Fashion Week”. Although he’s already shown his duds on MTV’s “Total Request Live” and at Planet Hollywood in NYC, this will be the first time the line will be modeled at a major fashion event.
• “Entertainment Today” reports that Britney Spears and actors Taryn Manning, Zoe Saldana,
Anson Mount & Kim Cattrall are all expected to attend the world premiere of their new film “Crossroads” TONIGHT at Grauman’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood. Also expected to attend — Justin Timberlake, Jessica Simpson, and Nick Lachey of 98 Degrees. The movie–Britney’s motion picture debut–opens nationwide FRIDAY. (And will make Mariah Carey’s “Glitter” seem Oscar-worthy.)
• Meantime, Britney Spears is reportedly ‘devastated’ by shots of boyfriend Justin Timberlake passionately kissing a ‘gorgeous brunette’ for a video shoot, claims the “Mirror”. (Really? Girl or guy?)
• If you believe “Star” magazine, the sitcom “Friends” is getting ready to end with a stunning dramatic blockbuster in which pregnant Rachel will DIE while giving birth to her love child. A purported ‘show insider’ tells the tab, “It will be the most shocking scene ever played out on TV.” (Or at least, in your imagination, buddy.)
• “NY Post” reports that R&B star (and Olympics opening performer) R Kelly is battling new allegations he videotaped sex acts with a 14-year-old girl. For the record, he’s denounced the claim as ‘crap’ but stories continue to circulate about underage girls, including wild three-in-a-bed romps. (It IS a fact that he married Aaliyah when she was just 15. He may be the “The World’s Greatest” lech.)
• “Star” claims 5-foot-7 talk-show queen Oprah Winfrey has now ballooned up to a staggering all-time high of 257 pounds!
• UK’s “Sun” tabloid says The Who’s Roger Daltry has auditioned Canadian funny man and “Austin Powers” creator Mike Myers to play Keith Moon in a warts-and-all movie tribute to the band’s drummer. Moon died in 1978 at the age of 32 after a drug overdose, but his legend as the original wild man of rock lives on. Daltry told the “Sun” he thought Myers was a ‘genius’.
• “E! Online” reports that the Motion Picture Academy is suing a company that’s selling – ‘anatomically correct’ Oscar statues.
• And here’s the REAL news according to “Weekly World News” – “Talking On a Cell Phone Makes You a Better Driver!”, “First Annual Cannibal Cook-Off!”, and – our fave – “Three-Legged Skater Banned!”

CANINE SWEETHEARTS:
Because you have too much money, the Chomp’s company has developed Valentine dog candies. There’s ‘Yip Yap’, mini bone-shaped mints in an Altoid-type tin, and ‘Sniffers’, round and chewy meat and cheese bites in M&M-style candy packs. The treats aren’t real candy, but made from healthy pet treat ingredients. As Chomp’s says, “After all, you’re sharing the same house and bed (???), and planning to spend the rest of your lives together. On Valentine’s Day, wouldn’t a gift of pet candy be the perfect way to thank your pet for her never-ending devotion?” (Um, let me see. No.)
 
VALENTINES VOTE:
A new survey asked 340 men, ages 21-54, what they would like to receive for “Valentine’s Day”. The top 5 answers:
1. Dinner
2. A Card
3. Beer
4. Chocolates
5. A Tie (c’mon, really?)

VALENTINE’S VOTE 2:
A new poll commissioned by the American Heart Association asks “What’s the best way to show someone you care?” The top answers –
1. Spending time together.
2. Going out for dinner.
3. Romantic getaway.

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• Police in Grand Chute WI have arrested a 25-year-old man for disorderly conduct after he handcuffed himself to a railing at the local Fox River Mall — wearing only leg warmers, a wig, slippers and a tiger-striped hat with ears. He gave no explanation for his actions. (But likely won the bet!)
• Irish genealogists say they have discovered proof that boxing legend Muhammad Ali has family roots in Ireland. (Should he change his name to Muhammad O’Li?)
• The Peaceful Happiness Restaurant in Taiwan serves rats — stir-fried, stewed or mixed with noodles. The restaurant is one of several serving the rodents, whose flesh has a chewy texture and tastes like dark turkey meat. (Rat – the OTHER white rodent.)
• Police in New Zealand have determined that a woman who was robbed and bashed in the head was probably saved from serious brain injury by her — dreadlocks. The victim had her locks tied up in a bun. (Is that why motorcycle helmets aren’t mandatory in Jamaica?)
• Iran’s government newspaper reports that a 10-year-old girl has filed for divorce from her 15-year-old husband after just 8 days. The problem? She says her spouse wouldn’t let her play with her dolls. (Cradle robber!)

BS FASCINATING FACT:
On a scale of 1-10, most of us rate ourselves a ‘7’ when it comes to kissing.

THE BULL SHEET 02.11.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [76] Leslie Nielsen, Regina SK, movie actor (“Naked Gun” series, “Airplane”) who’s STILL working  NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Paul Gross in the curling comedy “Men With Brooms”, opening across Canada MARCH 8

1934 [68] Tina Louise (Blacker), NYC, former TV actress (Ginger Grant-“Gilligan’s Island” [1964-67])  NOTE: The only guys asking “Ginger or Mary Ann?” these days are in seniors’ homes

1936 [66] Burt Reynolds [as in ‘Whatever happened to . . .’], Waycross GA, movie actor (“Boogie Nights”, “Striptease”)

1962 [40] Sheryl Crow, Kennett MO, rock/pop singer (“My Favorite Mistake”, “All I Wanna Do”)

1969 [33] Jennifer Aniston, Sherman Oaks CA, TV actress (Rachel Green-“Friends”) who, along with the rest of the cast, is currently negotiating a new contract — because a million bucks an episode just ain’t enough/Mrs Brad Pitt

1973 [29] Jamie Pushor, Lethbridge AB, 6′-4″ NHL defenceman (Columbus Blue Jackets)

1979 [23] Brandy (Norwood), Macomb MS, pop singer (“The Boy Is Mine”, “Have You Ever?”)/former TV actress (“Moesha”)/movie actress (“I Still Know What You Did Last Summer”) who announced LAST WEEK that she secretly wed music producer Robert Smith last year  NOTE: Due to release her 3rd album ”Full Moon” NEXT MONTH, after a 4-year hiatus

1981 [21] Kelly (Kelendria) Rowland, Atlanta GA, pop singer (Destiny’s Child-“Survivor”, “Say My Name”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Japan] “National Foundation Day” (celebrating the nation’s founding in 660 BC)
[Vatican City] “Independence Day” (1929)

TODAY is “National Inventor’s Day”. What’s the worst invention of the past decade — the pager?, cell phone?, SUV?, leaf blower? car alarm?

TODAY is “National Satisfied Staying Single Day”. What’s the best thing about being single? (You have control of the remote all the time, you don’t have to shave your legs, and — best of all — you can’t get dumped!)

TODAY “Mothers Against Drunk Driving” kicks off its 22nd year of raising awareness about the dangers of drunk driving. (For awhile there was also a father’s group, but it was just a ‘FADD’.)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1997 [05] At age 14, country phenom LeAnn Rimes releases 2nd album — “The Early Years”

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1922 [80] Discovery of ‘insulin’ (Banting & Best-Toronto)

1948 [54] ‘La-Z-Boy’ chair invented (men’s guts immediately get bigger)

1964 [38] Beatles 1st concert in North America (Washington DC)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1977 [25] 20.2-kg (44.5-lb) lobster caught off Nova Scotia, the heaviest known crustacean (took 13 lbs of butter)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Mardi Gras/Pancake Day
[Tues] Academy Award nominations announced
[Tues] Chinese New Year (Year of the Horse)
[Wed] Get A Different Name Day
[Thurs] Valentine’s Day (or, as men like to call it, ‘Extortion Day’)
[Sun] Daytona 500
Homes for Birds Week
National Flirting Week
Library Lovers Month (won’t you get arrested if you’re caught?)
National Children’s Dental Health Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“Wouldn’t the Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony have been far better to watch if it had been telecast WITHOUT blabbering announcers?”

BS FILL IN THE BLANKS:
Phone contestant supplies the following which you write down. Then, during a commercial break or music, fill in the blanks to complete the story.
1. Your favorite cartoon character.
2. Any unit of time.
3. Your least-favorite household chore.
4. A country in the Southern Hemisphere.
5. Your favorite local bar.
6. An affectionate name your partner calls you.
7. How far do you think it is from Calgary to Edmonton?
8. What the prison time should be for armed robbery.
9. Your most favourite activity.
10. Any unit of time.
11. A school playground game.
12. Any game played in a casino.
13. Something your mother always told you to do.

Today’s story is “Report from Salt Lake City” . . .
This is [1] with up-to-the-[2] coverage of the Winter Olympics. Today in the new Olympic sport of [3], there was a major upset as [4] won the gold. Meantime, in an event that began at [5], it was [6] who led the Canadian team by finishing the [7] event with a time of [8]. [6] celebrated the win by hooting and hollering during a [9] party in the Olympic Village. Later today, we’ll have [10]-by-[10] coverage of [11] and of course, [12], so stay tuned! This is [1] saying so long from Salt Lake, and remember [13]!

BS ‘WHAT’S IT’S’?
Here are some names of things you never knew had names. Have a contestant try to pick what each is –
• SAM BROWNE
a) A leather belt for a dress uniform supported by a light strap that passes over the right shoulder. [CORRECT. The RCMP wear them.]
b) An ornamental strap that go from the belt on the front of a dress over the shoulders to the belt in the back.
c) What Sam looked like after his two-week Caribbean cruise.
• AGLET
a) The small metal hoop that supports a lampshade.
b) The covering on the end of a shoelace. [CORRECT]
c) The scientific term for an accumulation of navel fluff.
• DUFF
a) An identifying mark such as a birthmark.
b) The decaying organic matter found on a forest floor. [CORRECT]
c) A description of the way (your co-host) golfs.
• PIGGIN
a) A pig at the intermediate stage of growth, between piglet and full-fledged hog.
b) A small wooden pail with one long stave used as a handle. [CORRECT]
c) What your daughter’s boyfriend asks when he calls.
• BIBCOCK
a) A faucet with a bent-down nozzle. [CORRECT]
b) A cloth band worn around the upper arm.
c) An apron worn about the waist.
• SOLIDUS
a) The oblique stroke used between words or in fractions, also called a ‘diagonal’ or ‘slash’. [CORRECT]
b) A holder for a handleless coffee cup.
c) How my spouse describes our marriage.
• QUARREL
a) The projecting prong on a tool or instrument.
b) The part of a ponytail-style hairdo that’s beneath the retaining clasp.
c) A small, diamond shaped pane in the glass. [CORRECT]

BS WHO DAT?
The following mushy lines about love come from movies and songs. Contestant must identify the title and who said it or sang it —
• “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” [Billy Crystal in “When Harry Met Sally”.]
• “All you need is love.” [John Lennon, in The Beatles hit.]
• “Do I make you horny, baby?” [Mike Myers in “Austin Powers”.]
• “You had me at hello.” [Renee Zellweger in “Jerry Maguire”.]
• “We’ll always have Paris.” [Humphrey Bogart in “Casablanca”.]
• “Let’s get it on.” [The chorus of the Marvin Gaye hit of the same name.]

BS Q & A:
Q: Was there really a ‘Saint Valentine’?
A: Yes Virginia, there were actually TWO Saint Valentines, both martyred in the 3rd century AD, one beheaded by Roman Emperor Claudius II for having the nerve to marry young couples when forbidden.
(Source: “Grolier’s Encyclopedia”)

BS TAG LINE:
A consultant is a man who knows 99 ways to make love, but doesn’t know any women.

LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
Welcome aboard to these BS subscribers — Sharon Stewart @ WMKX Brookville PA, Sean McClain @ WZKL Alliance OH, Pat Nicholson @ CIBH Parksville BC. And we welcome BS samplers this week that include JJ McKay @ KXYQ Portland OR, Fabienne Middleton @ CKNW Vancouver BC, and Rob Alpert @ WRBB Boston MA.