Friday, February 8, 2002 Edition: #2229
Sheeters ALWAYS Prosper!
TONIGHT is the opening ceremonies for the 19th Winter Olympic Games in fortress Salt Lake City. 1998 Canadian snowboarding gold medalist Ross Rebagliati won’t be attending the Salt Lake City games due to a US law that bars entry to foreign citizens who’ve admitted past drug use — even if they’ve never been arrested or convicted. The IOC has reversed its decision and will now allow the US team to carry in the tattered World Trade Center flag during the ceremony (oh please!). No post-Super Bowl letdown this year, we’ve got 2 full weeks of thrilling international competition coming up. Unfortunately, it won’t include these . . .
BS REJECTED WINTER GAMES EVENTS:
• Synchronized Hockey
• Really Drunk Downhill
• Endurance Squatting on a Frozen Lake
• Speed Skating with a Bad Rash
• Pantsless Ski Jump
• One-on-One Biathlon Shootout
• Four-Man Zamboni
• Bare-Assed Luge
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Sting, the Dixie Chicks, LeAnn Rimes and Robbie Robertson share the stage with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir at the opening ceremony of the “Salt Lake City Winter Olympics” (other artists performing in free concerts during the games include ‘N Sync, Sheryl Crow, Marc Anthony, Creed, Foo Fighters, Smash Mouth, Brooks & Dunn, Train, and Martina McBride) . . . SUNDAY in Philadelphia, Alicia Keys and Angie Stone will sing “America the Beautiful” during the “2002 NBA All-Star” pre-game show, just before Elton John performs his classic hit “Philadelphia Freedom” . . . Looks like Conan O’Brien is going to get $8 million a year for 4 more years of “Late Night” on NBC-TV . . . Ex-boyfriend P Diddy has been working on several tracks for Jennifer Lopez’s upcoming remix album “J To Tha L-O: The Remixes”, coming MARCH 18 (aww they’re still friends – isn’t that sweet?) . . . A sequel to the hit film ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ is in the works, which may not include Hugh Grant (won’t that put its official ‘chick flick’ status in jeopardy?) . . . And Tom Cruise’s Hollywood lawyer Bert Fields tells the
MARCH issue of “W” magazine that his client is — quote — “a very heterosexual guy” (what’s that old saying about he that protesteth too much?).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
In the kid comedy “Big Fat Liar”, Frankie Muniz plays a high schooler who travels to Hollywood seeking payment after his school essay is stolen and turned into a hit movie . . . The futuristic thriller “Rollerball” about a violent and deadly sport that becomes popular in 2005, a remake of Norman Jewison’s 1975 original, features LL Cool J, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, and Pink (as a dominatrix) . . . In the action thriller “Collateral Damage”, Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a firefighter (oh please!) whose family is killed in a bomb explosion and — surprise, surprise — he goes after the terrorists in Columbia seeking butt-kicking revenge . . . And the crime drama “Monster’s Ball” opens wide, starring Billy Bob Thornton & Halle Berry in the story of a racist prison warden who falls in love with the widow of a man he’s executed.
DIET SECRET:
The elders on the Japanese island of Okinawa are said to be the healthiest and slimmest people on Earth, thanks to a practice called ‘hara hachi bu’ which means — ‘stop eating when you’re 80% full’. As a result, they eat up to 40% fewer calories than the rest of us. The reason it works is simple – it takes your stomach 20 minutes to signal your brain that you’re full, so if you stop eating when you’re 80% full and wait 20 minutes, you’ll feel satisfied even though you’ve eaten less.
CANCER COLLECTORS:
Taking a page from Canada, Brazil is trying to discourage smoking by requiring explicit pictures of health problems caused by cigarettes to be printed on every pack. Problem is, it’s backfired and sales have actually INCREASED. Why? The picture packs have now become collectors’ items! (I’m collecting Rothman’s packs, in an attempt to put together an entire diseased body. Anyone got a black lung to trade? [See BS PHONE STARTERS])
INVISIBLE LOVE:
Just in time for “Valentines Day”, the new ‘UV Spy Pen’ is the perfect tool to keep an office romance secret. A love note written with the $5 gadget will appear to be blank, but your secret message will appear to your sweetheart using a companion gizmo — the ultraviolet ‘love lamp’ – for an extra $25.
ANY VOLUNTEERS?
An Australian sex trade exhibition is looking for volunteers to have sex in public. Viewers will hear and see couples have sex, but only as shadow images projected onto a screen. David Ross, founder of the upcoming “Brisbane Sexpo”, says, “People like to watch and be watched . . . as long as it’s done in a non-tacky way.”
I THINK I’LL SKIP BREAKFAST:
The man with the ‘world’s longest ear hair’ has now had his world record officially recognized. “The Guinness Book of World Records” has sent the official certificate to B D Tyagi of Bhopal, India. The hair sprouting from the center of his ears measures 10.2 cm (4 inches) at its longest point.
RARE WEAR:
You can’t buy a T-shirt emblazoned with ‘Super Bowl XXXVI Champion St Louis Rams’ but thousands of them exist. Official NFL Super Bowl victory shirts are printed up for BOTH teams before Super Bowls. So what happens to the loser shirts? Well, they lose them. Many of the Rams shirts are being given to homeless shelters outside of St Louis, but most of them will be destroyed and end up as rags.
THE BULL SHEET 02.08.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [62] Ted Koppel, Lancashire ENG, TV journalist with bad hair (“ABC Nightline”, since 1980)/winner of 25 Emmy Awards, 5 Peabody Awards, 8 duPont-Columbia Awards, 9 Overseas Press Club Awards, 2 George Polk Awards, and 2 Sigma Delta Chi Awards — the highest honor bestowed for public service by the Society of Professional Journalists (we don’t care — he’s still DULL)
1941 [61] Nick Nolte, Omaha NE, movie actor (“Affliction”, “Prince of Tides”, “48 Hours”) NEXT FILM: Plays ‘Dr Brian Banner’ in director Ang Lee’s sci-fi thriller “The Hulk”, coming in 2003
1955 [47] John Grisham, Jonesboro AR, lawyer-turned-novelist (“The Rainmaker”, “The Firm”, “The Client”) NOTE: After a long hiatus, he’s released another legal thriller, “The Summons”, THIS MONTH
1966 [36] Kirk Muller, Kingston ON, NHL winger (Dallas Stars)
1970 [32] Alonzo Mourning, Chesapeake VA, NBA center (Miami Heat)
1974 [28] Seth Green, Overbrooke Park PA, movie actor (Scott Evil-“Austin Powers I-III”)/TV actor (Jimmy Bender in the new TV comedy “Greg the Bunny”, ex-“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1936 [66] Stompin’ Tom Connors, Skinner’s Pond PEI, Canadian icon (“The Hockey Song”)
1943 [59] Joe Pesci, Newark NJ, movie actor (“Lethal Weapon” & “Home Alone” series, Academy Award-“Goodfellas”) NOTE: Hasn’t done a movie in 4 years – a victim of type-casting?
1945 [57] Mia Farrow, LA CA, movie actress (“Hannah & Her Sisters”, “Rosemary’s Baby”)/mother of 13/Woody Allen’s ex-, Frank Sinatra’s ex-
1963 [39] Travis Tritt, Marietta GA, country singer (“Best Of Intentions”, “Here’s A Quarter”)
1976 [26] Vladimir Guerrero, Nizao Bani DR, budding MLB superstar (Montréal Expos)
1979 [23] Mena Suvari, Newport RI, movie actress (“American Pie 1 & 2”, “American Beauty”, “American Virgin”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Laugh and Grow Rich Day”, when we’re reminded that people are more effective, tend to remember things better, and are more likely to stay in the same job where laughter abounds! (Like down at the funeral home, for instance.)
TODAY is “Boy Scout & Girl Scout Day”, celebrating the incorporation of the Boy Scouts of America by William D Boyce of Chicago on this day in 1910. He didn’t, however, conceptualize the scouting movement — the Boy Scouts were originated by the UK’s Sir Robert Baden-Powell.
IT’S CARNIVAL TIME!
• TODAY-February 17th is Winnipeg’s annual “Festival du Voyageur”, touted as ‘Western Canada’s largest winter festival’. It’s certainly Western Canada’s largest Francophone festival.
PHONER: 204-237-7692/204-233-2556
NET: http://www.festivalvoyageur.mb.ca
• THIS WEEKEND is the 2nd of 3 for Ottawa’s 23rd annual “Winterlude”, highlighted by the Moscow Circus on Ice, an Ice-Carving Competition, the Canadian Ski Marathon, and a new event – the Sparks Street Mall Mardi Gras.
NET: http://www.capcan.ca/winterlude/index_e.asp
• TOMORROW “Mardi Gras” begins to heat up in New Orleans’ French Quarter. There are some 23 parades scheduled THIS WEEKEND alone! Several Webcams have been set up so voyeurs can watch.
NET: http://www.mardigras.com
• TOMORROW is also the first big day for the annual “Carvaval” in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. One of the highlights is the annual ‘Samba Parade’ that began back in the 1930’s and has been staged in the gigantic ‘Sambodrome’ since 1984, where a good seat in a catered box costs as much as $1000.
NET: http://www.ipanema.com/carnival/home.htm
TOMORROW is “St Apollonia’s Day”, honoring the patron saint of dentists and those suffering toothaches. It’s also known as “Toothache Day”.
TOMORROW is “National DAV Day”, which stands for ‘Develop Alternative Vices’, a day to change your habits and improve yourself.
ON THIS DAY . . .
1999 [03] Televangelist Rev Jerry Falwell tries to ‘out’ “Tinky Winky”, suggesting the purple, purse-toting “Teletubbies” character is gay
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1992 [10] Tongue-in-cheek hit “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred reaches #1 on pop charts
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1816 [186] 1st ‘police dog’ used to make an arrest (a Bull Terrier in Britain)
1926 [76] Walt Disney Studios formed (“The Mouse House”)
1998 [04] 1st Olympic women’s hockey game (giant sweaty Finnish women beat big and strong Swedish girls)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] NFL Pro Bowl (Honolulu)
[Sun] NBA All-Star Game (Philadelphia)
[Mon] National Inventor’s Day
[Mon] National Satisfied Staying Single Day
[Tues] Mardi Gras/Pancake Day
[Tues] Academy Award nominations announced
[Tues] Chinese New Year (Year of the Horse)
[Thurs] Valentine’s Day
[Feb 24] 2002 Olympic Winter Games close
Pride in Food Service Week
Return Carts to the Supermarket Month
Creative Romance Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Should the government supply nicotine patches free, or least make them tax deductible? Wouldn’t it be cheaper than the health care costs smoking causes?”
• “The divorce is on hold – for now – but should Michael Jordan’s wife take him back?”
• “What’s the absolute WORST Valentine gift you ever received?” (An online poll suggests the worst “Valentine’s Day” gifts for a woman would be — roses with a card addressed to someone else, any kind of fitness machine, or a how-to book on making love.)
WHEN WILL IT END?
How long before your painful, unexpected divorce? Find out right now! Start with 10 years, then add or deduct years according to the following –
• For every ex-spouse your mate has (-10)
• If you were married in Vegas (-1)
• If you were married in rehab (-3)
• If you were married in prison (-5)
• If you are a young, virile millionaire [or married one] (+25)
• For every infidelity bust (-3)
• For each year older the husband is than the wife (-1)
• For each year over 30 the wife is (+2)
• If you exchanged tattoos instead of rings (-1)
• For each set of happily married parents (+15)
• If the wife’s a bottle blonde (-2)
• If you lost your virginity to each other at a prom (-5)
• If the in-laws call you the son/daughter they never had (+8)
• For each marital spat that’s been featured on “Cops” (-6)
Now calculate the total to get the estimated length of the marriage.
(Source: “Maxim”)
BS ‘FINISH LINES’:
Get a phone contestant on the line and have them try to finish the following famous quotations about love. Give ‘em, say 5 each. They win if they get 3 out of 5?
• “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than . . . [never to have loved at all” — Alfred, Lord Tennyson]
• “Where there is love there is . . . [life.” — Mahatma Gandhi]
• “A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you . . . [are loved by others.” — ‘The Wizard’ in “The Wizard of Oz”]
• “Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can’t help . . . [falling in love with you.” – George Weiss, Hugo Peretti & Luigi Creatore]
• “If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don’t . . . [their love was never yours to begin with.” — Unknown]
• “All mankind loves a . . . [lover.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson]
• “In the spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to . . . [“thoughts of love.” – Alfred, Lord Tennyson]
• “”Love comforteth like . . . [sunshine after rain.” – William Shakespeare]
• “All is fair in love and . . . [war.” – Francais Edward Smedley]
• “It is better to have loved and lost than never to . . . [have loved at all.” – Alfred, Lord Tennyson]
TRUTH OR BS?
Are the following statements TRUTH or just a load of BS?
• The first Winter Olympics were played in 1896. [BS. They began January 25, 1924.]
• The first Winter Olympics were hosted by St Moritz, Switzerland. [BS. Chamonix (sha-mo-NEE), France.]
• Norway has won more total medals at the Winter Olympics than any other nation. [TRUTH]
• In ancient Rome during the pagan fertility festival “Lupercalia”, the predecessor to “Valentine’s Day”, it was common to sacrifice a virgin. [BS. They couldn’t find one either so they settled for sacrificing goats and dogs.]
• Abraham Lincoln was the first US president to visit Canada. [BS. It was not until Warren G Harding stopped in Vancouver while on his way to Alaska in the 1920s.]
BS TAG LINE:
Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers.
