Wednesday, February 23, 2000 Edition: #1749
In a new poll, 70% of respondents say genetically-altered foods should be subject to further study before winding up on the dinner table. But here’s some BS . . .
GOOD THINGS ABOUT ‘FRANKENFOOD’:
• Imagine your favorite pizza. Okay, now imagine your favorite pizza shovelling your driveway!
• Ripens in minutes using an ordinary blow dryer.
• It tastes biological-icious!
• Actually shouts at you, “Hey! I’m getting overripe, you idiot!”
• Has a nice, firm handshake.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Charlie Sheen has signed a $2.75 million deal to replace Michael J Fox on the ABC-TV sitcom “Spin City” (does his parole officer get a role too?) . . . Word is Michael Douglas is dead set against marrying fiancé Catherine Zeta-Jones in her native Wales because the country does not recognize pre-nuptial agreements (who’s welshing on whom?) . . . Retired basketball great Magic Johnson admits he doesn’t know much about the music business but he’s launching his own record label anyway, to be called ‘Magic Johnson Music’ (in related news, Mariah Carey’s ex-, record exec Tommy Mottola, just signed with the Lakers).
42ND GRAMMY AWARDS FAX:
• Tonight on CTV hosted by Rosie O’Donnell.
• Performers include Dixie Chicks, Faith Hill, Whitney Houston, Britney Spears, Santana, Backstreet Boys, TLC and Ricky Martin.
• Elton John receives the Grammy ‘Legend Award’. He’s sold more than 62 million albums in 30 years.
• Santana leads nominations with 11, TLC has 6, Backstreet Boys, Dixie Chicks, Whitney Houston & Lauryn Hill each have 4.
NET: http://www.grammy.com/
MAKE THAT MOVE:
In a new poll, an unbelievable 47% of college and university women say they have dumped previous boyfriends because they were “too shy about sex”. (Coincidently, the same 47% describe themselves as “coyote ugly”.)
BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• A German businessman is selling copper rings that he claims will cure the common cold when placed in each nostril. (And if you believe that, he also has nipple rings that cure chapped lips.)
• A leading French journal on paranormal research reports that Rene Dechesmare is the world’s SLOWEST psychic. He reads minds, but doesn’t hear people’s thoughts until 2 years after they think them. (Well that’s really useful. He just sent a note to Princess Di telling her not to get into the car.)
• A British farmer whose prize cow lost its tail in an accident tried to cheat judges in a livestock show by buying a dead cow’s tail and gluing it on. Officials at the Great Yorkshire Show spotted the fraud and disqualified the bogus bovine. (Unconfirmed reports say the cheat also tried to pin the tail on a donkey.)
• Professional ‘smoking counselors’ are at work in Bulgaria teaching people who choke the first time they light up a cigarette how to pick up the habit. The new smoking-education program is being promoted by local tobacco interests. (And includes tips on how to cough up tarballs.)
THE BULL SHEET 02.23.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1939 [61] Peter Fonda, NYC, film actor (Ulee’s Gold, Easy Rider)/father of Bridget Fonda
1949 [51] Marc Garneau, Québec City PQ, Canada’s first astronaut (Space Shuttle Mission 13)
1967 [33] Gord Murphy, Willowdale ON, NHL defenceman (Atlanta Thrashers)
1976 [24] Jeff O’Neill, Richmond Hill ON, NHL center (Carolina Hurricanes)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
The annual “Yukon Sourdough Rendezvous” tomorrow-Sunday in Whitehorse includes beard-growing and flour-packing contests, plus the unique ‘Mad Trapper Competition’.
PHONER: 800-FUN-N-SNO
NET: http://www.rendezvous.yukon.net
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1997 Re-releases of “The Empire Strikes Back” and “Star Wars” top movie box office
1997 Scientists in Scotland announce first successful cloning of an adult mammal, “Dolly” the sheep (“Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey, It didn’t have a father, just some borrowed DNA”)
1999 TLC releases “Fanmail” album, featuring hits “No Scrubs” and “Unpretty”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1894 [106] 1st ‘Stanley Cup’ (Ottawa refuses to travel to Toronto to play, so the Cup is eventually awarded to Montréal AAA)
1896 [104] 1st ‘Tootsie Roll’ (Leo Hirshfield names it after his girlfriend [‘Roll’?])
1993 [07] 1st American-based team admitted to CFL (Sacramento Gold Miners)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Mon] Federal Budget Day
[Mar 12] Juno Awards
[Mar 20] Spring arrives
International Friendship Week
National Weddings Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
WHO WANTS TO BE ON-THE-AIR? (The radio rip-off of TV’s #1 game show)
Q: The first traces of human activity in Canada were found in the Yukon. What were they?
a) Ancient sourdough bread. b) Empty beer bottles. c) Butcher marks on a mammoth bone.
A: c) And what’s the proper wine to serve with mammoth steaks?
Q: A ‘Harlequin Romance’ poll says Canadians are among the least likely to experience THIS.
a) First date sex. b) Love at first sight. c) Wealth.
A: b) Just 35% of us have experienced it, compared to 71% of Mexicans. (Must be the tequila.)
Q: In a new employee poll, 37% of women say they have never done THIS at work.
a) Used the toilet. b) Flirted with the boss. c) Gossiped about a co-worker.
A: a) Due to lack of privacy or unsanitary conditions, many say they wait until lunchtime to go somewhere else.
Q: Teen magazine “Twist” claims the perfect antidote to frizzy hair is to rub THIS all over your head.
a) Mayonnaise. b) Fabric softener sheets. c) Varnish.
A: b) It gives your ‘do more ‘Bounce’.
THE LAST WORD:
Always remember the ‘Golden Rule’ — he who has the gold makes the rules.
