Monday, February 21, 2000 Edition: #1747
According to a new Stanford University study, the Internet is causing us to spend so much time at computers that we’re losing personal touch with our world. A quarter of study participants admit to spending over 5 hours a week on the ‘Net, more than they spend with friends or relatives (tough choice – surfing for Jennifer Love Hewitt pictures, or listening to gross Uncle Ralph play the anthem on his armpit). So here’s some BS . . .
SIGNS YOU’RE A ‘NET ADDICT:
• Someone at work tells you a joke and you say ‘L-O-L’.
• You now watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
• During sex, you call out someone else`s screen name.
• When someone says “What did you say?” you reply “Scroll up!”
• Your kids are standing at your side pleading “Mommy, puh-lease come cook dinner?”
• You keep a bag lunch and a cooler by the PC.
• You now ‘double-click’ your TV remote.
• To eat dinner, you have to be pryed from your PC with the Jaws-of-Life.
• You have to inject No-Doze into your butt to keep it awake.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “E! Online” reports David Letterman’s return to the “Late Show” tonight will feature Robin Williams and Jerry Seinfeld. At Friday’s taping, he handed out white T-shirts with scars down the front and the date of his heart surgery.
• “Extra Extra!” says the piano on which John Lennon composed “Imagine” will be auctioned online in July and is expected to fetch in the area of $2 million.
• “Star” reports the Earth-shattering news that Elizabeth Taylor is having all her dogs’ teeth capped. (Uneven bite marks are SO unsightly.)
• “National Enquirer” claims the neighbors of 77-year-old comedian Rodney Dangerfield are griping because he and his wife parade around naked. (No wonder he gets ‘no respect’.)
• We thought she quit singing after that infamous rendition of the anthem at a baseball game, but “People Online” says Roseanne and her band DIXXX will be signing autographs today at a Hollywood record store to promote her new CD. (The first CD for masochists only.)
HAD TO HAPPEN:
The March issue of “Wired” magazine reports the ‘world’s first dog cloning company’ is about to be launched. Yup that’s right, for as little as $1,000 you’ll be able to keep your pooch alive forever, or at least a carbon copy of it. The canine DNA storage bank will be overseen by scientists at Texas A&M University. A cloned puppy has not yet been born, but hey, they’re cloning everything else, so how long can it be?
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Smart Bells’ — Weight-lifting dumbbells made out of quartz crystals that are all the rage in Hollywood. Users claim they promote inner peace while you exercise.
• ‘Gutter Television’ — What women’s groups are calling last week’s FOX-TV special “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?”. Meantime, insiders say there will likely be more episodes of the stunt show.
• ‘Encore Brides’ — The gentle new term for women who are getting married, but not for the first time. It’s the matrimonial equivalent of calling used cars ‘pre-owned vehicles’.
THE BULL SHEET 02.21.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1955  Kelsey Grammar, St Thomas US Virgin Is, TV actor (Frasier Crane-Frasier) NOTE: His movie career continues to be less than stellar as his latest film, a basketball comedy called “New Jersey Turnpikes” has been shelved by the studio and put up for sale (likely at your local video store)
1958  Mary Chapin Carpenter, Princeton NJ, country singer (Almost Home, I Feel Lucky)
1976  Ryan Smyth, Banff AB, NHL winger (Edmonton Oilers)
1979  Jennifer Love Hewitt, Waco TX, TV actress (Sarah Reeves Merrin-Time of Your Life)/movie actress (I Still Know What You Did Last Summer) NOTE: She and new boyfriend Freddie Prinze Jr have been spotted hugging and exchanging saliva for everyone to see!
1986  Charlotte Church, Llandaff WALES, classical vocal phenomenon (Voice of an Angel) who’s already performed for the Pope, Britain’s Queen and the US President
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] Presidents’ Day (USA)
Today is “Heritage Day” in Canada (except for Alberta, where Heritage Day is August 1st so today is Family Day. Huh?). The NDP’s Stanley Knowles lobbied the federal government for years to establish a holiday on the 3rd Monday in February as a celebration of Canada’s roots. ‘Heritage Canada’, led by author Pierre Berton, succeeded in getting national recognition for “Heritage Day” in 1979, but it’s still not an actual holiday. Best reason for a stat holiday in February – there are 110 long, chilly nights this year between “New Year’s Day” and “Good Friday”.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1996 Frasier’s “Eddie” has paws immortalized in cement on Hollywood’s “Pawprint Walk of Fame”
1997 Spice Girls’ “Wannabe” hits #1, the first debut single by a British group to top North American charts since the Beatles
1999 Kevin Costner’s “Message in a Bottle” tops the box office a 2nd consecutive week
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1878  1st ‘telephone book’, in New Haven CT, contains 50 names but no numbers (users call operator and ask for name)
1931  ‘Alka Seltzer’ 1st introduced
1947  1st ‘Polaroid camera’ demonstrated (the next day, the first guy tells his girlfriend, “Don’t worry about posing for nude shots honey, no one else will ever see them.”
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Grammy Awards
[Thurs] National Tortilla Chip Day
National Engineers Week
Canadian Music Month
National Snack Food Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
Q: How many times does the average person laugh in any given day — twice, 5 times or 15 times?
A: The average person laughs 15 times a day. (Except on this show.)
(Source: “Weird Yet True”)
THE LAST WORD: If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.