Monday, February 14, 2000 Edition: #1742
WAYS I’M SPENDING VALENTINE’S DAY:
• Wondering if the Asian mail order woman company really has a money-back guarantee.
• Calling all the women I’ve gone out with in the last year, and asking them if they enjoyed my wedding presents.
• Setting my pager to ‘vibrate’ and then calling myself.
• Waiting until tomorrow when I can buy all the really cheap chocolate, then eating like a pig.
• E-mailing the Pope some tips on celibacy.
• Eating out at KFC so I can actually see some thigh.
• Taking my significant other ‘Candy’ to be patched at the local bicycle repair shop.
• Being bitter about not owning stock in Hallmark.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “People Online” reports 77-year-old cartoonist Charles Schulz died Saturday on the eve of the publication of his last “Peanuts” strip. Ironically the final strip featured ‘Snoopy’ typing a farewell note.
• “National Enquirer” reports that “Any Given Sunday” director Oliver Stone has ballooned up to 300 lbs and just keeps on growing! (Interesting that his next film is called “Beyond Borders”.)
• “Extra Extra!” confirms David Letterman will NOT return to “Late Show” tonight as previously speculated, but will be replaced by another week of celebrity-hosted clip compilations. Meantime “Star” says Dave has different priorities after his recent heart surgery and is thinking about finally marrying longtime sweetheart Regina Lasko.
• “E! Online says Vancouver actor Gil Bellows, who plays ‘Billy’ on Ally McBeal, is leaving the show, appearing only in a recurring role next season. (By the look of his new white hair, he’s ready to retire.)
• “Globe” reports that Sarah Michelle Gellar has to stand on a pile of books when she’s next to co-star Marc Blucas on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” because she’s only 5 ft-3 ins tall. (Otherwise, she’d only be up to – there.)
• And because you really need to know, “Enquirer” claims Mariah Carey had liposuction done on her (usually bare) waist and TWO breast enlargements. (Well it would look pretty stupid with one.)
VALENTINE’S FAX:
• St. Valentine was a bishop in Rome in the 3rd century who married couples in defiance of a ban by Emperor Claudius II. He was beheaded for his impertinence on Feb 14, 270.
• After keeping his remains in a cardboard box for 6 years, Blessed John Duns Scotus Church in Glasgow, Scotland is putting the bones of St Valentine on display today. Other European churches are also claiming to have some of the relics. (They should get together and build a complete saint.)
• An new poll finds just 1% of women want sexy lingerie as a Valentine’s Day gift. Most say flowers, chocolate and diamonds are what they want. (I’m giving a ‘starter kit’ — a petunia seed, a cocoa plant and a lump of coal.)
• Maternity wards report an increase in births in mid-November because it’s 9 months after Valentine’s Day. (Or as the wife and I call it – ‘our annual sex obligation’.)
• Research shows that 3% of pet owners will actually give Valentine’s Day gifts to their animals. (What for? It’s not like you’re going to get lucky!)
THE BULL SHEET 02.14.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [66] Florence Henderson, Dale IN, TV host (Later Today)/former TV actress (Carol Brady-The Brady Bunch)
1946 [54] Gregory Hines, NYC, TV actor (Ben Doucette-Will & Grace)/dancer/Broadway star
1960 [40] Meg Tilly, Texada Island BC, movie actress (Agnes of God, The Big Chill)
1965 [35] Dave Lowry, Sudbury ON, NHL winger (San Jose Sharks)
1972 [28] Drew Bledsoe, Ellensburg WA, NFL QB (New England Patriots)
1973 [27] Steve McNair, Mount Olive MS, NFL QB (Tennessee Titans)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Int’l] World Marriage Day (400 people are getting married today in Niagara Falls ON)
[Int’l] Read to Your Child Day (my son and I are reading “The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy”)
Today is “Ferris Wheel Day”, celebrating the 1859 birth of George Washington Gale Ferris, the Galesburg IL engineer who invented the “Ferris Wheel” for the 1893 Chicago World’s Exposition. The original measured 250 feet in diameter and could carry an amazing 1,440 passengers.
ON THIS DATE IN THE ’90S . . .
1992 “Wayne’s World” opens in theaters, making Mike Myers a movie star
1996 “Mr Dress Up” Ernie Coombs tapes his last show for the CBC
1997 Alanis Morissette’s “Jagged Little Pill” album certified for 15 million sales
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1415 [585] 1st ‘Valentine card’, sent by Duke of Orleans who’s imprisoned in Tower of London
1919 [81] ‘UPS’ founded (stands for ‘Unfortunately Parcel Shattered’)
1924 [76] ‘IBM’ founded (stands for ‘Incredibly Boring Manuals’)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Flag of Canada Day (35th anniversary)
[Tues] Oscar Nominations announced
[Mar 12] Juno Awards
[Apr 10] Canadian Comedy Awards
Celebration of Love Week
International Flirting Week
Humpback Whale Awareness Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
MOST-PLAYED LOVE SONGS OF THE 90s:
1. “I Swear”
2. “How Do I Live”
3. “Because You Loved Me”
4. “Baby, Baby”
5. “Unbreak My Heart
(Source: ASCAP)
BS TRIVIA:
Q: In the language of roses, which color should you send if you ‘desire’ someone?
A: Coral. (‘Red’ is the color for ‘love’.)
THE LAST WORD: Teamwork is a lot of people doing what the boss says.
