Friday, February 4, 2000 Edition: #1736
YOU MIGHT BE A SCHOOLTEACHER IF:
• You’ve ever accidently called adults “boys and girls.”
• You believe “extremely annoying” should have its own box on the report card.
• You know a hundred good reasons for being late.
• You don’t want children of your own because there isn’t a name you could hear that wouldn’t elevate your blood pressure.
• You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Steve Martin receives one of those ubiquitous ‘Lifetime Achievement Awards’ at the “American Comedy Awards” Sunday in Los Angeles . . . Mega-producer David E Kelley has another TV series cookin’, this one called “The Faculty”, slated to debut this fall (we’re betting this time it’s a group of madcap teachers who share the same washroom) . . . Regis Philbin still hasn’t signed a contract to host “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”, and his agent is reportedly holding out for $250-grand per episode (which would make Regis a millionaire 3 times a month!) . . . Madonna tells “Jane” magazine she wants another kid to give 3-year-old daughter Lourdes someone to play with (hey lady, heard of toys?).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Neve Campbell, David Arquette and his wife Courteney Cox are all back for “Scream 3″, the final chapter (they promise) in the mock-and-shock horror trilogy that has made $200 million-plus at the box office . . . An undercover DEA agent almost gets killed and to continue with his mission needs to attend group therapy in the comedy “Gun Shy”, starring Liam Neeson and Sandra Bullock . . . Jeff Bridges and Sharon Stone in “Simpatico”, the story of a horse breeder caught up in a racing scam.
A GOOD RADIO PROMOTION?
Tomorrow TWA is kicking off non-stop service from NYC’s JFK Airport to the Turks & Caicos Islands in the Caribbean with a “Fly For Free in Your Bathing Suit” contest. (This sounds pretty sexy until you find out it coincides with the airline’s special seniors tour package.)
QUICKIES:
• Thieves in Brazil have broken into a PRISON! After tying up guards, they proceeded to rob the inmates. (They scored a total of 13 soap carvings, 3 packs of smokes, a shiv made from a comb, and 36 love letters to a trustie named Julio.)
• Doctors in Tokyo operated on Keigo Takemura when he complained of severe abdominal pain. They found that he’d swallowed 2 WHOLE BASEBALLS to win a bet. Luckily surgeons say he’ll make a full recovery. (But the Japanese Baseball League suspended him after finding spit on the balls.)
• A Philadelphia woman has had a sex change — so that her son can have a FATHER! The 27-year-old widowed mom-turned-dad says ‘he’ will try to be more masculine and play ball games with the 12-year-old. (As soon as he got home from the hospital he said, “Hey Joey, pull my finger.”)
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THE BULL SHEET 02.04.00
TODAY’S CELEB BIRTHDAYS . . .
1962 [38] Clint Black, Long Branch NJ, country singer (Still Holdin’ On, Nothin’ But the Taillights)
1973 [27] Oscar de la Hoya, Whittier CA, lightweight boxing champion
1975 [25] Natalie Imbruglia, Sydney AUS, pop/rock singer (Torn)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1962 [38] Jennifer Jason Leigh, Hollywood CA, film actress (eXistenZ, Single White Female)
1969 [31] Bobby Brown, Roxbury MA, oft-arrested Mr Whitney Houston/R&B singer (Every Little Step)
SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1911 [89] Ronald Reagan, Tampico IL, oldest and 1st divorced US President (1981-89)
1940 [60] Tom Brokaw, Yankton SD, TV news anchor (NBC Nightly News, since 1982)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today marks the “Halfway Point of Winter”. 45 days of winter have passed and the equivalent remain before the beginning of spring. (Did we hear a giant sigh from the Eastern Seaboard?)
Today is the UN’s annual “Torture Abolition Day”. In observance, tonight’s episode of “Veronica’s Closet” has been cancelled.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1994 “Ace Ventura, Pet Detective” opens, making Jim Carrey a star
1997 “Spice” album by the Spice Girls released
1999 Wayne Gretzky reaches another hockey milestone, scoring his 1,071st goal as a pro tying him with Gordie Howe
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1824 [176] 1st ‘rubber galoshes’ (giving mothers something to remind you to wear as you leave the house)
1957 [43] 1st ‘portable electric typewriter’ weighs in at 19 lbs (you’ll have to explain what this is to your kid) NOTE: The longest English word that can be typed (or keyboarded) using only the top row of letters is ‘typewriter’ (ironic, ain’t it?)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] NFL Pro Bowl (Honolulu)
[Sun] US Figure Skating Champships begin (Cleveland)
[Sun] 50th NHL All-Star Game (Toronto)
[Tues] Fly a Kite Day
[Feb 14] Valentines Day
Muffin Mania Week
National Grapefruit Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Where in the world can you find the most plants?
A: Trick question — the answer is the ocean. 85% of all plant life is in the water.
THE LAST WORD:
If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
