Thursday, February 3, 2000 Edition: #1735
WHY BASKETBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX:
• If you need a break, you can call a 20-second timeout.
• Being double-teamed is common.
• Ball movement is key.
• You can pass it off so your buddy can score.
• You know you’re done when the horn sounds.
• There’s always someone with a towel to clean up any wet spots.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Looks like Diana Ross, Mary Wilson and Cindy Birdsong will get together for a Supremes reunion tour this summer (“Someday we’ll be together”) . . . “NY Post claims Kellie Martin will be killed off on “ER” as she and Noah Wyle’s character are shot by a lunatic and she dies in his arms (what, there wasn’t a doctor around?) . . . ABBA has turned down a $1-billion-offer to reunite after 17 years of retirement (group spokesman Benny Andersson says even he would throw chunkies hearing “Dancing Queen” again).
FUTURE FILMS:
Julia Roberts is in negotiations to star in “The Mexican”, a romantic comedy recently dropped by Brad Pitt (she was holding out for a co-star without BO) . . . Meantime Brad is in talks to join George Clooney in an updated, “hip remake” of the Frank Sinatra-Dean Martin caper comedy “Ocean’s Eleven” (anything that’s touted as ‘hip’ ain’t) . . . Disney has given the green light to the WW2 epic “Pearl Harbor”, with a reported budget of $130 million (it costs a lot to get actors to portray kamikaze pilots).
NASAL PASSAGES:
US researchers report that the risk of heart disease and stroke is twice as high in women who regularly snore. (However, the stats are skewed by the inordinate number of husbands who’ve caused a heart attack at 3am by shaking their wives and yelling, “Hey stop that!”)
NO ‘ROAD MAP LEGS’ ALLOWED:
A law that’s just been passed in Sweden bans women over age 45 from wearing sexy clothes. That’s right, no more mature women wearing skimpy outfits in public, and that includes see-through blouses, mini-skirts, and those oh-so-unforgiving stretch pants. (The law is being touted as a big step toward enhancing the Swedish environment.)
YOU HAVE TO HOLD IT UP TO A LIGHT:
A Swiss company is manufacturing the new ‘Enhance’ condom which features embossed holograms that can add, they claim, an extra 5 inches to the appearance of a male’s member measurement. (Same company’s working on a bra with convex mirrors.)
SHE HAS A CHAPPED BODY:
German stripper Helen Wolff has just set a new world record for getting dressed and undressed — 692 times in 11 hours, or just under once a minute! (The previous record of 562 times was set by my wife while choosing an outfit for the station Christmas party.)
DOUBTFUL DENTISTRY:
An orthodontist in Spain has been charged with assault after he wired the jaws shut of several patients who hadn’t paid their bills. (Although stripped of his licence, he’s looking forward to a new career as a marriage counsellor.)
THE BULL SHEET 02.03.00
TODAY’S CELEB BIRTHDAYS . . .
1920 [80] Dr Henry Heimlich, physician who invented ‘Heimlich Maneuver’ anti-choking procedure
1943 [57] Blythe Danner, Philadelphia PA, film/stage actress (X-Files movie, Prince of Tides)/ Gwyneth Paltrow’s mom
1956 [44] Nathan Lane, Jersey City NJ, film/stage actor (Stuart Little, Birdcage, Lion King)
1965 [35] Maura Tierney, Boston MA, TV actress (Nurse Abby Lockhart-ER)
1977 [23] Maitland Ward, Long Beach CA, TV actress (Rachel McGuire-Boy Meets World)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
In Japan, today is “Setsubun” (or “Bean Throwing Festival”) when Japanese celebrate the end of the lunar calendar winter by gleefully throwing beans at one another to drive away imaginary devils. (Rude Uncle Harold used to drive EVERYBODY away after EATING beans.)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1997 Late Show kicks off month-long celebration of David Letterman’s 15 years of late night TV
1998 British Post Office releases Princess Diana commemorative stamp series (millions of Brits begin licking the back of her head)
1998 ‘N Sync releases hit single “I Want You Back”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1881 [119] 1st use of the word ‘Jumbo’ (PT Barnum names his new 6-ton elephant)
1984 [16] World’s 1st baby conceived by ‘embryo transplant’, in Long Beach CA
1994 [06] 1st Russian cosmonaut aboard US spacecraft, as Sergei Krikalev lifts off in “Discovery”
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1947 [53] North America’s coldest temperature, recorded at Snag, in Canada’s far-north Yukon Territory, is -63 C or -81 F (definitely time to bring the brass monkeys in off the porch!)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Halfway Point of Winter
[Sun] American Comedy Awards
Canned Food Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTER:
“What food item has been gathering dust in your kitchen cupboard for more than a year?” (In a poll by University of Illinois researcher Brian Wansink, Tabasco sauce was the most common brand-name item that had been tucked away and forgotten. (Um, did he get a grant for this research?)
BS TRIVIA:
Q: What’s the worst hour of the day for car accidents – 7am, 4pm or 2am?
A: According to “The Top 10 of Everything 2000″, 4-5pm is worst. 3-4pm is 2nd-worst. Surprisingly, the morning rush ranks fifth.
Q: Which are bigger, snow flakes or rain drops?
A: Flakes. Most raindrops are small because the big ones usually break apart as they fall. The world’s largest snow flake on record measured 38 cm in diameter — bigger than a dinner plate!
(Source: “FAQ Weather”)
THE LAST WORD: Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
