Monday, January 12, 2004
Thanks to You, This is “BS” Edition #2700!
Eat, Breath Sheet!
TACKY & TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• “Page 6″ says ditzy blonde Jessica Simpson certainly isn’t afraid to cash in on her 15 minutes of fame – she’s doing deals by the truckload! The most recent is with ‘Clean’ perfume founder Randi Shinder to create a line of – lickable fragrances. The new product will be called ‘Dessert’. (No word if it will be available in ‘Buffalo Wings’ or ‘Chicken of the Sea’.)
• “National Enquirer” claims prosecutors have a secret weapon in their case against Michael Jackson – two other alleged victims, including the one in 1993 to whom Jackson paid a reported $15-million settlement to sign a confidentiality agreement. Since then, California laws have changed and the now-23-year-old 1993 accuser could be forced to testify in court despite his big-buck deal. Meantime, “E! Online” reports Michael Jackson has abandoned Neverland for a $20 million Beverly Hills mansion that rents for $100,000 a month. Word has it he’s signed a 1-year lease with an option to buy. (Neverland is now under the care of a guy from Detroit named ‘Eddie the Torch’.)
• Just weeks after Ashton Kutcher junked his MTV show “Punk’d”, he has a new project called “My New Best Friend” that’s one of a couple dozen pilots MTV is looking at. Kutcher’s new show is described as ‘a hidden-camera comedy’. (Oh, that’s different then.)
• “Daily Dish” says Dido (real name Florian Cloud de Bounevialle Armstrong) has been spotted in Paris with a mystery man – reportedly a hunky blonde. The “White Flag” singer has recently ‘surrendered’ a couple of relationships – breaking up with record boss Ferdie Unger-Hamilton and then former fiancé Bob Page. (She seems to be going down with a lot of ships.)
• Like she needs the publicity – “Star” magazine reports that Gary Scott Thompson, producer of the NBC-TV series “Las Vegas”, is trying to woo Britney Spears for a cameo appearance on the show. (All that booze would explode the budget.)
• “Sun” says Sarah Jessica Parker and the rest of HBO’s “Sex & The City” cast is off to Europe TODAY for 2 weeks of filming before wrapping up production on the show for good on FEBRUARY 4th. Could this mean the storyline will have her following her latest boy-toy ‘Aleksandr’ (Mikhail Baryshnikov) back to Russia?
WACKED “WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “Human Race Must Shrink to Survive!”
• “Aliens Gave Face on Mars a Face-lift!”
• “Earth Shriveling like Prune!”
• “Gigantic Prehistoric Predator Preys on Sailors!”
• “Feed Your Dog Regularly or He’ll Eat You!”
• “Britney Spears Is a Musical Genius!”
SON OF 22 MINUTES:
TONIGHT at 8pm Rick Mercer (“This Hour Has 22 Minutes”, “Talking to Americans) debuts his new CBC-TV show cleverly called “Rick Mercer’s Monday Report”, Mercer will traverse the country looking for funny stuff, then return to Toronto to present the best of the week on tape. TONIGHT he heads to the Niagara border and tests the USA’s ‘orange’ security level by attempting to enter with a passport containing stamps from Afghanistan. Border guards apparently take no notice whatsoever. (But had he been carrying a steak, he’d be in deep BS!)
FEELING FAT THIS MORNING?
A new study suggests that we consume an average of 82 calories more on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays as compared to other weekdays. Researchers say that 19 to 50-year-olds are especially prone to overindulging, consuming an average of 115 extra calories per day on weekends.
Source: “Psychology Today”
VEHICULAR EQUIVALENT OF NO-TELL MOTEL:
‘Zip Cars’, vehicles that can be rented by the hour, are now available on several US college campuses including North Carolina, MIT, Princeton and Harvard. What’s perhaps even more innovative about the hourly rental system is that vehicles can be pre-booked up to a year in advance on the Internet, and students are issued electronic cards to open the doors on their rental.
TAKING A WEDGIE OUT OF CRIME:
A group of professional Sumo wrestlers has started a Neighborhood Watch program in a crime-ridden area of Tokyo. 15 wrestlers from the Isenoumi stable now pound the streets of Edogawa Ward in eastern Tokyo in pairs or groups of 3 each night from 11pm until dawn. They carry whistles, torches and wooden clappers to alert residents of prowlers. (“Stop or I’ll fling my diaper!”)
Source: “Kyodo News”
SUFFERING FROM ‘CS’:
Convinced your friends have more exciting jobs and better mates? This so-called ‘Comparison Syndrome’ (CS) is most common among women in their 20s who feel they should be charging ahead, reaching managerial level by age 25, a house by 26, married by 28 and children by 30. “If a friend beats us we feel like a failure,” says psychologist Joan Rubin-Deutsch. Men are far less likely than women to compare themselves unfavorably with peers. (So how do YOU gauge success?)
Source: “Cosmopolitan”, February edition.
PARTS DEPARTMENT:
Each year, Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeons Richard Fleming & Toby Mayer release a list of ‘Hollywood’s Hottest Looks’, piecing together the most requested celebrity parts. This past year, female and male patients have apparently been requesting –
Nose – Nicole Kidman, Ben Affleck
Eyes – Catherine Zeta-Jones, Ashton Kutcher
Lips – Angelina Jolie, Jude Law
Skin – Paris Hilton, Elijah Wood
Body – Britney Spears, Vin Diesel
SOMEBODY’S WATCHING YOU:
Truant students and secret teenage lovers beware! Parents will soon be able to track their kids 24/7 using secret bounce-back SMS messages. The new ‘Text Track’ technology will instantly reveal a mobile phone’s location while the user remains totally unaware. The child tracking service is about to be offered in the UK for a set-up cost under $100 with a per-check fee of about 55 cents. Previous kid tracking systems used GPS satellites and cost upwards of $1,000. (Or for free … you could maybe actually talk to your kids and learn to trust them?)
GRAND SHOT:
Prime restaurant in the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas has just taken delivery of one of only 255 bottles of 50-year-old Chivas Royal Salute blended Scotch whisky and one of only 10 bottles imported to the USA. It’s offering it by the shot glass for – $1,050 a pop. So far, nobody’s bellied up to the bar for a snort.
Source: “NY Post”
STAY HOME ‘TILL THEY GO TO COLLEGE:
Some of Britain’s largest corporations are now offering career women maternity leave for up to – 5 years. It seems employers have become so desperate to retain skilled staff that they’re resorting to long-term career breaks as an enticement to keep female executives with children. Stats show that, after years of steady growth, the number of working mothers with dependent children has reached a plateau at about 65%.
Source: ”Sunday Times of London”
WHY ‘COOL’ IS STILL COOL:
Jo Napoli, a linguistics professor at Pennsylvania’s Swarthmore College, says that ‘cool’ is an example of an ‘underspecified word’. The less specific a word, the more meanings it can have. By contrast, ‘assassinate’ is an example of a ‘highly determined’ word, one that can’t be used in very many contexts. Napoli claims the more unspecified a word is, the more staying power it has. The slang term ‘cool’ became fashionable in the early 1950s, but it was used in slangy expressions like ‘cool as a cucumber’ as far back as the 18th century.
Source: “Baltimore Sun”
LONERS AREN’T LOSERS:
30-year-old single Sasha Cagen of San Francisco has written the new book, “Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics”. She defines a ‘quirkyalone’ as someone who’s not opposed to being in a relationship, but who’s come to appreciate singledom as a natural state and a way to live a fulfilling life. ‘Quirkyalones’ would rather hang with best friends, she says, than spend time with someone they don’t really connect with. (And who would never ask them out anyway.)
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• “The Bourne Identity”, starring Matt Damon, was 2003’s most rented movie, earning nearly $80 million in rentals, beating out far bigger box office hits.
• Moose, wolf and polar bear are not susceptible to frostbite even while walking on snow or ice at -70 C.
Source: “2004 Canadian Weather Trivia Calendar”
• According to the Association of American Publishers, the audio-book market has grown an average of 11.5% annually since 1997, while consumer book sales grew just 2.7% annually during the same period.
THE BULL SHEET 01.12.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1951 [53] Rush Limbaugh, Cape Girardeau MO, pill-poppin’ syndicated right-wing radio host & part-time bigot
1954 [50] Howard Stern (‘King of All Media’), Queens NY, syndicated radio ‘shock jock’
1960 [44] Charles Gillingham, Torrance CA, rock musician (Counting Crows-“Big Yellow Taxi“, “Hangin’ Around”, “Mr Jones”)
1964 [40] Jeff Bezos, Miami FL, Internet billionaire (Amazon.com founder & CEO) whose personal fortune is estimated at over $9 billion
1974 [30] Melanie Chisholm (‘Sporty Spice’), Merseyside UK, has-been pop singer (Spice Girls-“Wannabe”, w/Bryan Adams-“When You’re Gone”) FACTOID: Reports from the UK say a Spice Girls greatest hits collection is now in the works.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Clean Off Your Desk Day”, to provide one day early each year for every desk worker to see the top of the desk and prepare for the following year’s paperwork. So what’s the weirdest thing you’ve found buried on yours?
TODAY is “Thank God It’s Monday Day”, obviously a creation of some sadist somewhere.
THIS WEEK is “International Thank You Days”, a week to thank someone from your past who did something nice for you. (For instance, your ex- … for leaving.)
THIS MONTH is “National Soup Month”. Ask listeners for the weirdest soup they’ve ever tried.
LEAST POPULAR BS SOUPS:
• Lipton Cream of Gristle
• Dogwater Bisque
• Old-Fashioned Grease & Weasel
• Campbell’s Sideburns ‘n Barley
• Sinktrap Surprise
• Tap Water & Lawn Trimmings
• Greg Gumbo
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1995 [09] Keanu Reeves stars in ‘Hamlet’ at Manitoba Theatre Centre in Winnipeg
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1985 [19] Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” tops album charts, knocking off Prince’s “Purple Rain” after 24 weeks
2003 [01] Maurice Gibb of the Bee Gees unexpectedly dies in Miami Beach FL of cardiac arrest at age 53
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1997 [07] 1st NFL Conference Championships to include 2 expansion teams (Carolina in NFC, Jacksonville in AFC)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] 3rd season of “American Idol” premieres on FOX-TV
[Tues] Make Your Dream Come True Day
[Wed] Dress Up Your Pet Day
[Thurs] 2004 Sundance Film Festival begins
[Fri] Hot & Spicy Food International Day
This Week Is . . . Someday We’ll Laugh About All This Week
This Month Is . . . Bald Eagle Watch Month (y’know … I like my Mickey Mouse watch better)
BULL’S BITS . . .
HOW SMART IS YOUR DOG?
Here’s a list of the ‘brightest dogs’ based on the following criteria – obeying the first command 95% of the time or better, and understanding new commands in less than 5 repetitions.
1. Border Collie
2. Poodle
3. German Shepherd
4. Golden Retriever
5. Doberman Pinscher
Among the dumbest – Shih Tzu, Pekingese, Bloodhound, Bulldog & Afghan.)
Source: http://www.petrix.com/dogint/intelligence.html
BS INTERVIEW:
California entrepreneur Keith Stapp is the creator of the “PMS Tracker”, a device that identifies warning signs of PMS and offers survival tips for both women … and their men. The idea is to add humor and understanding to your relationship by telling you exactly which day PMS is going to rear its neurotic head each month. As a publicity stunt, Stapp is now searching for the woman suffering from the ‘Worst PMS in the World’. The winner gets a cash prize and a lovely plaque. (Hey, now there’s a morning show contest!)
PHONER: 201.670.2929 (PMS Tracker, Thousand Oaks CA)
NET: http://pmstracker.com/
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Did more Canadian or American hockey teams win the Stanley Cup during the 20th century?
A: Canadian, of course.
Q: Late doughnut shop namesake Tim Horton would have turned 74 TODAY (born January 12, 1930 in Cochrane ON). Besides flogging ‘Tim Bits’, what did he do for living?
A: He was a hockey player, elected to the Hockey Hall of Fame in 1977.
Source for both: “All Canadian Trivia Game”
Q: At any given moment, over 60,000 Americans are doing THIS.
A: Flying.
Q: If you were to write out numbers as words, how far would you have to count up to until you got to a number containing the letter ‘a’?
A: One thousand.
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Word is Michael Jackson just got a new Gameboy. I believe his name is Billy.
• It’s hard to believe it’s 2004. As a kid I always imagined that by now life would be like on “Star Trek” – phaser guns, transporter beams, making love to green women. Instead, we’ve all just become like ‘Captain Kirk’ … fat and balding.
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• Two 7th grade girls in Montréal have been expelled from school for re-enacting the infamous Britney-Madonna kiss. What would a more appropriate punishment be? Detentions? Apologies? Force them to sell tickets as a fundraiser?
• The Canadian Food Inspection Agency has ruled out a ban on feeding slaughterhouse waste to cattle and other animals, saying a ban would be impossible to enforce and wouldn’t have any basis in science. If we keep forcing animals to be cannibals, don’t we deserve what we get?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Research shows that men who have THIS physical characteristic are usually more intelligent.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A hairy chest.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other’s funeral.
WELCOME NEW BS-ERS:
Hal Anderson @ POWER 97 Winnipeg MB just signed up for a one-year subscription and these samplers are downloading this week’s “BS” – Larry Bennett @ CFSX Stephenville NL, Doug Spurgeon @ CKBA Athabasca AB, Ryan Johnson @ WNKS Charlotte NC (go Panthers!), Albert Wagers @ WHZZ Lansing MI, Randy Hudnall @ KINE Honolulu HI, and Nikki Woods @ Ellusions Radio Network, New Haven IN. Welcome to the pasture, all!
