Wednesday, January 7, 2004 Edition: #2697
More From the Bovine Stool Dispenser!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Mr Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown, is due in Atlanta court for a preliminary hearing on those domestic violence charges for allegedly striking his wife (what are the odds he’ll show up?) . . . There’s another new reality show in Britain (where they all seem to be born) – “The 24-Hour Quiz” will lock competitors in a specially-built ‘Quiz House’ in which they’ll be constantly bombarded with trivia questions worth big bucks (“Big Brother” meets “Millionaire”) . . . Actress Gwyneth Paltrow tells “Vanity Fair” magazine that it was an acupuncturist who helped her find true love with Coldplay singer Chris Martin (always thought he was a real prick) . . . Longtime PETA activist Pink has fired off a fax to Vegas showmen Siegfried & Roy begging them to free their pet elephant ‘Gildah’ (Roy sent back a note that said, “Allrggh brannaorbha …”) . . . For wife Trudie Styler’s 50th birthday, Sting is taking her on a butt-bruising 5-day camel ride through the desert state of Rajasthan in southern India, but don’t worry about their comfort – they’re traveling with an entourage of guides, servants & a chef . . . Has-been singers Tina Turner & Bette Midler are reportedly battling over who gets to buy the exotic and remote Kistak Isle off the coast of Turkey – both apparently willing to pony up the $5 million asking price . . . 47-year-old “Sex & the City” star Kim Cattrall is considering a big-money offer to pose naked for “Playboy” magazine (it’d be the first centerfold that requires ironing) . . . In order to jumpstart a pop career in the US, Waffa Bin Laden, niece of the evil Osama, is considering changing her name to ‘Deborah’ (Deborah Bin Laden? Yeah, that’ll do it!) . . . Whatever happened to actor Vincent Pastore who played ‘Big Pussy’ on “The Sopranos”? He’s just taken a gig hosting a talk show on WVOX-AM in Westchester NY (listen or else!).
BS BUZZWORDS:
The latest lingo leaking into the language …
• ‘Vampire Creativity’ – A marketing term for an ad that is so creative and entertaining that people remember it, but not the product being sold. So it essentially bites itself.
• ‘Wetware’ – More important than hardware and software, there’s ‘wetware’ … the human brains behind them. Can be used to refer to programmers, operators, managers, etc.
• ‘Spam-O-Grams’ – Get any of these over the holidays? They’re the free e-mail greeting cards sent in bulk by your ‘friends’ who don’t think you’re worth the price of a stamp.
NEW WORLD RECORD?
A 39-year-old Bradford UK man has pleaded guilty to drunk driving after attempting to move his vehicle to a better parking space. In the process he hit 11 other vehicles, causing damage estimated at over $250,000. Total distance traveled – 30 feet. (I’m pretty sure I followed this guy in this morning!)
Source: “Ananova”
TAT AGONY:
While getting tattoos was the rage of the ‘90s, tattoo removal is quickly becoming the big trend of oughts. It’s estimated that about 10 million people in the US alone will have tattoos removed THIS YEAR. Even though the most common method is relatively painless laser surgery, experts recommend that patients are completely anesthetized. Why? Some say the pain of removal is 10 times worse than getting a tat. (So, are you still thrilled about having ‘Siouxie & the Banshees’ engraved on your left thigh?)
Source: “Commercial Appeal”
COMING SOON – LO-CAL LARD:
68-year-old health food exec Robert Ligon has received a 15-month sentence for buying up full-fat donuts from a Chicago bakery and repackaging them as ‘diet donuts’. His product label claimed each donut contained just 3 grams of fat and 135 calories when in fact they were loaded with 18 grams of fat and a whopping 530 calories. By the way, the American Bakers Association says a ‘low-fat donut’ is just not possible. (Because unless you deep-fry it in oil, it’s just a bagel.)
A REAL 6-PACK:
Oregon’s Portland Brewing Company is marketing a new beer called ‘Governator’ as a tongue-in-cheek tribute to California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. The commemorative extra bitter ale comes in a 22-ounce bottle with a label featuring a body-builder. It’s only available in California. (Free ass grabber with every purchase!)
BABY LOVE:
As an experiment, Swiss researchers at the University of Basel played recordings of baby cries and laughter to adults, then measured their brain activity using MRI. Adults who were parents showed far more response to sobs than giggles. On the other hand, childless adults reacted more to baby laughter than cries. (Absolutely no surprise to any guy who’s wife has ‘heard’ the baby crying at home in its crib … from a restaurant … 10 miles away.)
THE WAY TO A WOMAN’S BOUDOIR:
Style experts say that if you want to spend more time in a lady’s bed, you should splurge on an up-market set of sheets. Be sure to pay attention to her bedroom color scheme, then select a set in Turkish or Egyptian cotton with a thread count of 300 or more. It seems few words are sexier to women than ‘high thread count’. (And if you really wanna make marks, make the bed afterward.)
Source: “Men’s Health“
ALWAYS ASK FOR A SECOND OPINION:
Belgian researchers in Tanzania are training giant pouched rats to detect tuberculosis in humans. A lab technician using a microscope can test about 20 saliva samples a day, while preliminary research show the rats are capable of testing as many as 150 samples – in just 30 minutes. (But where can you find a ready supply of teeny tiny little microscopes?)
Source: “New Scientist”
HONEST, IT’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU:
A company called iBIZ Technology Corp has announced plans to market its new ‘VKB’ (‘Virtual Keyboard’) in the first quarter of THIS YEAR. The gizmo attaches to a PDA and projects a laser image of a full-size computer keyboard onto any surface where the handheld is placed. This allows the user to input text without an actual physical keyboard. There are no mechanical moving parts whatsoever, just a projected image. (Are you gonna fork out heavy cash for a picture of a keyboard?)
Source: “OverClockers Club”
SMELLS LIKE OSAMA:
British government scientists are currently testing a new ‘biometric identity system’ that identifies people by their – body odor. The new technology may make it possible to trace terrorists and criminals by their own unique aroma within the next few years. (And that reminds me, there’s a lingering hint in the air that [next personality] will be here at …)
Source: “London Observer”
DID YOU SEE THIS “CSI” EPISODE?
A bullet fired straight up can reach an altitude of up to 2 miles. As it falls back to Earth, it can reach a speed of up to 700 feet-per-second. Any projectile traveling above 200 feet-per-second can penetrate the human skull. The danger zone of a falling bullet is anywhere within a radius of a mile-and-three-quarters. (In related news, the CIA has planted a new Al Queda Training Manual, instructing members on how to celebrate birthdays …)
Source: “The Oregonian”
BS AMAZING FACT:
Over the next year, the population of Earth will grow by about 72 million people. That’s equivalent to the population of Egypt or Turkey and more than all the people in Britain, France or Italy.
AND WE QUOTE:
“Computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps only weigh 1.5 tons.” – “Popular Mechanics” in 1949.
THE BULL SHEET 01.07.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [58] Jann Wenner, NYC, magazine publisher (“Rolling Stone”, “Us Weekly”)
1948 [56] Kenny Loggins, Everett WA, oldies singer (“Footloose”, “This is It”)
1956 [48] David Caruso, Forest Hills NY, TV actor (‘Lieutenant Horatio Caine’-“CSI: Miami” since 2002, “NYPD Blue” 1993-94)
1957 [47] Katie Couric, Arlington VA, perky TV host (“The Today Show” since 1991) who’s hauling down $14 million per year in her current deal with NBC-TV
1964 [40] Nicolas Cage (Coppola), Long Beach CA, movie actor (“Adaptation”, “Gone in 60 Seconds”, Oscar-“Leaving Las Vegas”)/ex-husband of Patricia Arquette, Lisa Marie Presley/movie director Francis Ford Coppola’s nephew
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• Full Moon known as the “Nursing Moon”, “Milk Moon”, or “Wolf Moon (owoooooooo!!!)
• “I’m Not Going to Take It Anymore Day” (aka Winona Ryder Remembrance Day)
• “Old Rock Day” (don’t just take it for granite!)
• “Organize Your Home Day” (even better, have some TLC show do it for you)
TODAY is “Orthodox Christmas” or “Julian Calendar Christmas” in many countries worldwide, including Ukraine, Russia, Yugoslavia, Ethiopia, Eritrea, Belarus, Georgia, and Lebanon. (A cool tradition that takes advantage of all those January sales!)
TOMORROW is “Show & Tell Day at Work”, a chance for adults to partake in the old kindergarten ritual with co-workers. (Have morning crew members each bring in something to show & tell … that makes a unique sound.)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1927 [77] 1st game for ‘Harlem Globetrotters’ exhibition basketball team (formed by entrepreneur Abe Saperstein in Hinckley IL)
1954 [50] 1st ‘Duoscopic TV’ receiver is unveiled, allowing viewers to watch 2 different shows at the same time (a primitive version of today’s ‘picture-in-picture’)
1958 [46] 1st ‘ant farm’ is sold (how do they teach them to ride those little wee tractors?)
1958 [46] Gibson patents the famous ‘Flying V’ guitar
1992 [12] 1st ‘video-telephone’ goes on sale ($1,499)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1964 [40] Pro bowler Dick Weber rolls the highest bowling game ever – aboard a Boeing 707
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Man Watcher’s Day
[Thurs] Elvis Presley’s Birthday
[Fri] Step-Father’s Day
[Fri] Rape Survivor Day
[Sat] Peculiar People Day
[Sun] Volunteer Fireman’s Day
This Week Is . . . Women’s Self-Empowerment Week
This Month Is . . . Bread Machine Baking Month (http://www.breadmachine.org/)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS RULES TO LIVE BY:
• Never accept a drink from a urologist.
• Don’t live in the past. By living life one day at a time, you live ALL the days of your life. Unless your life sucks – then live in the past.
• If you’re applying for a job at UPS, don’t send your résumé by FedEx.
• Be tolerant of those who disagree with you. After all, they have a right to their dumb opinions.
• Learn to recognize the inconsequential from the consequential, then ignore them both.
• Every husband should memorize this useful excuse: ‘How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?’
BS TRIVIA:
Q: You’re in a snooty restaurant where the sommelier opens the wine you ordered and hands you the cork. What are you supposed to do with it?
A: Check the logo on it to verify that someone didn’t refill the bottle with plonk after it left the winery.
Source: “Rocky Mountain News”
QUICKIE MARRIAGES:
Britney Spears & childhood pal Jason Alexander may have had one of the shortest celebrity marriages at just 2 days, but she certainly isn’t the first superstar to enjoy a quickie. A few of Hollywood’s briefest unions …
• Actress Shannen Doherty & actor Ashley Hamilton (1993 – 5 months)
• Drew Barrymore & Tom Green (2001 – 5 months)
• Charlie Sheen & model Donna Peele (1995 –4 months)
• Janet Jackson & singer James DeBarge (1984 – 4 months)
• Colin Farrell & actress Amelia Warner (2001 – 4 months)
• Nicolas Cage & Lisa Marie Presley (2002 – 3.5 months)
• Drew Barrymore & bar owner Jeremy Thomas (1994 – 19 days)
• Actress Carmen Electra & basketball star Dennis Rodman (1998 – 9 days)
• Cher & rocker Gregg Allman (1975 – 9 days)
• Aging actress Zsa Zsa Gabor & playboy Felipe De Alba (1982 – 1 night)
• Actress Robin Givens & tennis coach Svetozar Marinkovic (1997 – separated the same day)
Source: Condensed & augmented from “NY Daily News”.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: In a recent survey of moms, THIS was the number one service they would want if they could afford it.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A driver.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Money can’t buy you happiness … but neither can poverty.
